Day 2 of my second No Contact attempt.
Let me tell you quickly about my story.
My ex and I have been together for almost 5 years. Our story hasn’t been the easiest, because we have had horrible experiences with previous relationships (psychological abuse and in her case physical too) which scarred both of us inside. Our trust level toward other people was really low but since we have met and been together it has started to increase again, thinking we finally have found the right person to trust and rely on.
Despite the age difference, (I am 9 years older than she is) the relationship has been simply perfect for a long time, we have supported each others, we believed we were just meant for each others and we would have stayed together no matter how hard life would have tested us. Yes it sounds extremely romantic but you could say everybody we know would agree with that.
In the distance though, problems have started to arise, mostly because my psychological issues began to show. First, I did not realize I had them, and she did not imagine either. My behavior has lead me to make many mistakes along the way and even if she has been understanding and has faith in me that I would have changed, all this affected the stability of our relationship until she couldn’t go on anymore.
She has left me and taken me back already two times before this last break-up. The first time, she just moved to another country to study and she wasn’t sure about the long distance, also she wanted to have new experiences she said. After almost 2 months, she came back to me but during the break-up she had a fling with a guy, which obviously didn’t work. She said he was not me.
When she left me, I was devastated but I told myself to respect her decision and move on, I started to improve my appearance by going to the gym and this made me gain so much more confidence in myself because I was accomplishing a goal I had always wanted to reach.
We got back together again and everything seemed to be fine until last August. We were fighting a lot, again, mostly I am more to blame because my psychological issues got worse and pretty clear and I ended up hurting her and hurting her more.
After two months of uncertainty and struggling, she opted to dump me in October. She was resolute she was absolutely done with me and did not want to see me again, stopping any source of communication too, she was extremely angry and resentful.
I did beg for a few to take me back and all, but didn’t work. She just ignored me and continued her life. The following month I discovered she was with another guy again, a friend she had mentioned before.
I was heartbroken and I gave up, didn’t try to contact her. I was a mess in that period, I got myself in dangerous situations until I shook myself and decided it was time to stop and take control of my life.
I started to see a therapist and did some volunteer work at the shelter, I was gradually feeling better and wanted to face and fix my issues and improve.
I was ready to accept she would not come back and let her go, in fact on our anniversary date I sent her a handwritten note, thanking her for the memories, that was my goodbye.
Surprisingly she replied after two months of complete silence, she said she would have liked to see me again if I was going to visit her. So we started to talk again, she did notice my improvements and was very optimistic about our future.
Our relationship settled back and we were happy to be together. Months passed quickly and she graduated from university, which meant she had to come back home.
She did and was really stressed about finding a job quickly to repay the university loan as soon as she could, and she wanted a good position, she’s very ambitious.
Unfortunately I did not recover yet completely from my issues, I warned her that it would take time for me to be ok and she had to be patient, it’s a long process.
On June I left my workplace and found another one immediately. She found hers too, she was relieved. But then she started to have these swinging moods, telling me she was tired of my behavior and she needed to see more efforts from my part, more improvements, accusing me I couldn’t keep up her pace. She decided to take a break, she wanted her space.
My birthday was on July and we were still on break, I was expecting her at least to send me wishes. I waited big part of the day, while I was outta town at the beach to celebrate with my friends, but she didn’t write. So I got mad and texted her asking if she remembered what day was, she answered yes and said happy birthday. I replied more, questioning if she was going to forget and she said with she was not. Then no more texts for the day.
She kept her distance through all July, repeating she needed to clear her mind out, she needed peace and time to concentrate on herself. The rare occasions we had exchanged, her tone switched from normal to angry from one to the next one. Totally unstable. And she changed her mind all the mind: she wants me to take charge and show her proof I have changed, saying she will wait, then she says she is clearing her mind and wanna be left alone, no relationship with other guys either, the next week she seems utterly pissed and bitter, giving me caustic remarks, bringing up all the mistakes I had made, saying she is finding her stability. Did I mention she ignored me all the time and she talked only after I sorta pressured her? I know it was wrong but I was very confused of what she wanted.
I asked her if we could meet and discuss about this face to face, whatever we decided, I would have accepted but I really wanted her to show her I’m doing better and better.
Then she admitted she’s seeing someone (duh?)but it’s not official, he’s a colleague, they had hung out for a few weeks. Chronologically speaking, the date doesn’t sound right, the time before she said she wasn’t dating anyone! I asked her if she likes him, she said he treats her well and that’s what matters. I was ??? but did not say.
This news really let me down. I suspected she was probably hanging with another guy, because every time she had left me, she found someone new, she is a needy person and she needs to have a partner. I don’t know if she is into this guy, time will tell if it’s serious or just a rebound. It hurts either way.
Friday 5th, I totally lost it. I was frustrated at work, plus I had my mind occupied by her words, I just wanted to cave in and part from her for good. So I asked her (begged) if we could meet and say goodbye, even a call from her live voice would be fine, I was desperate for the pain to stop. She was mean and cruel, ignoring or telling she had to time. I became ridiculous with my persistence, she asked me to stop and end the relationship with dignity. That’s what I wanted! To end it in a civil way, I needed her to grant me closure but she was purposely indulging, enjoying my suffering.
Then, it happened. I went ballistic and sent her a harsh text: “Why aren’t you seeing him tonight?Oh you are f*****g him tomorrow, k.”. I know it was immature and insensitive, but hey I was not lucid. I apologized, I tried to call but she wiped me off instantly, blocking me on every account. Of course nothing worked and the situation hasn’t changed.
I am on NC now and I am determined to go all the way. Her birthday is coming in two weeks, I don’t know what to do. Should I send a note or not? I am leaving her alone, I am cooling myself down as well. I still have some hope we can work it out.
She wants to erase me and move on with her life, is this for good I wonder.
If I see no signals of reconciliation in two months, I am going to close this chapter.
I just want her to be happy, if she’s happy like this, I will put myself aside.
I will always love her.
