My No Contact Story

Hi there, EBP Forums. I’d like to share my story, partially because I want to know if there’s any hope left, and partially because I feel that my situation may be able to help others in their own journey.

My relationship was long distance with quite a large distance between us. I live in the United States, and she lives in Germany. We met in August and had somewhat of an instant connection, and we got together around the end of the month. We did the best we could with what time we had. On days in which I had class, we only had two hours together. When I wasn’t in class, we’d spend all the time we could together.

Things were going great until around November. In early November, she suddenly stops talking to me. By late November, her social media had all been deleted. I sent her emails over the next few weeks, as I was extremely worried about her. By late December, she returned. She had told me that she deleted her social media because she was using it way too much and it was taking over her life, and that during her time away from me she had began to lose feelings for me as well as hope for our relationship.

I took it hard, as I still felt and still do feel deeply for her. Over Christmas of 2018, she grew close to an acquaintance of mine who lives in Austria. We all played video games together, but it began to feel as if they were third wheeling me. After Christmas I discovered this website, and began No Contact.

I did it rather suddenly, which caused her to send me friend requests like crazy. The moment I deleted one, another came. I felt guilty, so I messaged her and let her know I needed some time and space. No Contact helped me significantly. I felt like I was getting control of my life back, I stopped worrying so much. I was confident. Halfway through No Contact, she even sent me an e-mail telling me she missed me, and while she saw no future for us as a couple, she wanted to be friends.

Now comes the trouble. During No Contact, my ex’s crush (my acquaintance) began to get a crush on me as well. I somewhat crushed on her, and we flirted a bit, but agreed that we weren’t going to begin a relationship. My ex found out that her crush had another in her eyes, and exploded at her. Foolishly, I broke No Contact to try and help my ex. I told her that if this sort of friction is going to be happening, she shouldn’t be getting into a relationship like this. I said the same to her crush. My ex then accused me of manipulating the situation in order to keep them apart, but I was only trying to keep them both calm and give them advice. Her crush said to me that I had no hand in her decision to not get with my ex, but my ex still believes I destroyed their potential relationship out of jealousy or payback.

Is there anything I can do to salvage this? I feel as if I blew any chance I had over a miscommunication.

If you want to be friends with your ex, continue contact and just be friendly and upbeat. Sounds like a lesbian type thing here with your ex having a crush on a female. Better for you to date others near you in the US. Long distant relationships have a poor track record.

Figured I’d give an update. My ex made up with her crush, and are now dating. Maybe it’s a rebound? Not sure. I’m friends with her current girlfriend and talk to her often still, but I’ve been doing my best to recover. One month wasn’t enough, so I think I’m going to extend my no contact to a few months in before I try and talk to my ex again. I gotta say though, my life is slowly getting back to normal, even if there’s a bit of a hole in my heart. So for all those struggling through no contact, it does get better.

I’m definitely going to seek therapy before I even try to contact my ex. Good luck, everyone!

First of all, are you a female?

During therapy, try to figure out why you would want a woman who is attracted to other women! Seems you’re a second choice and maybe you have very low self esteem. Maybe you think you can’t find someone who would be faithful to you…

Good luck with no contact and with therapy. Hope it all helps you.

I’m a male, bisexual. All people involved are bisexual. Also, realized I forgot to put our ages in there like most other people on the forums tend to. I’m 21, my ex is 18, and her current girlfriend is 19. Thank you for your replies, Patricia. You do good work on these forums!

I haven’t really seen any advice on this, but I figure I should ask. Since I’m still in contact with my ex’s girlfriend, would it be wise to talk to her about my old relationship with my ex? I feel that it would be manipulative on my part, and it makes me sick to think about. Assuming it’s a rebound, it’ll fall apart in a month or two, won’t it? Or should I try to contact my ex while the relationship is still new? I figure they’re in the honeymoon phase right now.

No, don’t talk to her friend about your old relationship!

Let her new relationship fail or succeed on it’s own without your interference…

I’m starting to wonder if I’m trying to get her back for the right reasons. At this point, I’m over her for the most part. I just feel that the girl she’s dating now is a horrible influence on her. She’s eroding my ex’s sense of responsibility, encouraging poor habits in life, and from the looks of things is more than likely going to end up codependent and unhealthy. What breaks my heart isn’t that she left me. By now it breaks my heart to feel that she’s going down a dangerous path with this girl, and I want to get her off of it before it’s too late. Despite all of these negative traits, my ex really likes this girl and has enjoyed their time as a couple, though I have a sinking feeling that things are going to painfully fall apart when one of them realizes how unhealthy they are.

You could voice your concerns, but after that go no contact. You can’t fix her and you can’t dictate how she should live her life!

Just curious as to why you’re worried. Are drugs involved or too much drinking or what?

While there are no drugs involved with the girl my ex is dating, it’s mostly a set of bad habits from her that display extreme irresponsibility and immaturity. Lack of hygiene (such as showering two or three times a week, brushing teeth about as often as well), a caffeine addiction, no goals in life, depression severe enough to the point of regular suicidal thoughts and seemingly little intention to treat it. In other words, while she’s nice to be around, she has an absolute plethora of mental problems to take care of before she has any right to get into a relationship, the way I see it. But despite all of these, they’re both very happy with each other at this time. I feel as if I’m the crazy one here, thinking it won’t work out while it seems to be working fine so far. I really don’t know what to think in this situation, and I’m starting to feel that I’m in the wrong for wanting her back.

Wow, she has some serious problems! She has to have the desire to ‘help herself’ and apparently she doesn’t. You’ve only known her a very short time and sorry to say, but you would be better off without her… You deserve better, don’t you?

I say you can be much happier with someone close who doesn’t have these issues!

I should clarify, this isn’t my ex with these issues. This is the girl she’s dating. I want my ex back because she very clearly can do better, and had better, like me. I want her back because I can tell that this girl will be trouble for her later on.

Okay, I read your other post wrong. Very odd your ex would be attracted to a person with so many issues. Anyway, I see you’re determined to get the ex back (in spite of the distance and problems) and I wish you the best…

Progress has been made! The girl dating my ex decided to break up with my ex. It looks like there was some blocking done as well. I’m thinking of breaking No Contact, but I’m not sure. If I break it now, I feel I’ll look desperate. Would it be wise to wait a few days before getting back in contact? Maybe a week or two?

Yes, wait a few days so she can process the breakup with the other girl.

Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. I think I’ll send my elephant in the room letter through email on Tuesday or Thursday. Should I post it here for feedback?

Okay, if you like…

Apologies for the silence, EBP Forums, but I return rather frustrated. So, I sent the letter in and broke NC. Ex and I talked pretty much all night, it was as if we went right back to being together again. She didn’t ever want to stop talking. Her and her girlfriend broke up over the weekend, and she seemed to take it quite amicably. They got back together the following Monday, but despite this, she kept flirting with me. I went with it, assuming their relationship would end. As I thought, it did end, and for the past two weeks she gave me nothing but silence. Just an hour ago, I saw her Discord account was deleted. That explains why she was so silent. Looks like I’m forced right back into NC, and after all this trouble, I’m really not sure she’s worth chasing after any more. It’s just too much stress.

Anyway, I probably won’t post here again until some new developments come, should they ever come. Have a good one EBP, and good luck.