My Long Distant Boyfriend Needs Space

reconciliation
1

ISSUE: My boyfriend of almost a year (11 months) asks for space. He said he want to be alone right now because of distance, job, and my neediness.

We know each other for about a year but become officially couple for 4 months before he moves to another city because of the job. He is a doctor and he has a very uncommon schedule. I understand his schedule and we did not have any problem about seeing each other when we live in the same city. We didn’t see each other much because of his schedule but mostly 3-4 days a week.

((I used to think that I don’t want any boyfriend before I go to grad school in US but I met him and we share similar goal. Then I fall in love with hime. He also accept the fact that I’m not a fully woman as I have incomplete uterus. I am really appreciate it - may be because he’s a doctor))

PROBLEM:
The problem starts to attack me when he has to go to work at another city for a year. He told me before he went there 2 weeks which I pretty much shocked. I know his goal though as he wants to continue studying med in US so he needs a good resume. My heart is broken for the first time because I am not believe in long distance relationship. He knows what I think but he told me to wait for him only a year then we will have a live together in States.(I also have plan to go to M.Arch in US next year as well and I have very high hope on it.) I was sure that he’s into me because he talked/dreamed a lot about our future.

He has been working in another city (8 hrs away) since April 2014. I cried a lot almost every week since he went to another city before he became distant. Since he is no longer around, I have a lot of weaknesses;
1)boyfriends is no longer around and schedule becomes more crazy (168 hr/week) - I can’t handle the day gone by without any text or call very well. So I get moody and display a bad attitude now and then ;( I start to ask him to call me more often but it doesn’t work. I think the most positive thing I could get from him during he’s away is he calls me every couple days and much less text (compare to when we were together)
2)I am very stress because of TOEFL and GRE exam - I didn’t satisfy with my score at my first attempts so I asked for his help which rarely happened because of his job and tireness+lazyness after work. I then feel neglected and often ask him to pay attention to me more often. I also cut off all my social (stop hanging out with friends) while I prepare for exam (6-7 months now). I dedicated tons of time for exam as I prepare my exam every day after working and on weekend. Without any social except him and family, my emotion always depends on him. (I used to be a party girl too so my feeling is crash very easily during this period)
3)My job became unstable - my freelance job didn’t do well so I decided to have a full-time. Actually, I didn’t want to have a serious job right now because of exam but I did it because of my parents. They don’t want me to only sit and read books which I understand them though. It makes everything worse for me. I worked at the new place for 2 months and decided to leave (October) as I didn’t happy with it. Now I feel a little bit better but this is when he becomes very distant.

I basically pressured him wayyyyy too much when I don’t satisfy with something. I start ask things too much from him which I know I shouldn’t do but at that time I feel like I am super superrrr depressed. I call him and text him like crazy when I need him. I don’t behave like this when we live in the same city because he used to tell me that I often ignore him.

1st warning sign is when he didn’t want me to visit him when he has no break from work. (Lately, it is hard to meet him during weekend because of political issue in the country and doctors have to do charity work on weekend.) From April-June, I visited him 2 times a months. (We talked before he went there that it has to be me to go see him due to the job responsibility. I am totally fine with it and I enjoy to go there. Until now, November, he’s able to come back to visit me only 2 times) I cried and begged him so he allowed me to visit. We had an argument before I am about to return to my city. It is a usual thing that I frequently ask from him to give me moreeee time. He said he will try his best but also need more space. We still talk to each other on the phone almost every day though. Sometimes I feel it is not enough and I try to coup with it for a weeks then I act needy again. He responded me every time I reached him but he rarely contact me first. Since then our communication has been decreased because I can be a lovely girl for a week then a moody girl for the next. The pattern has been repeated for 3 months (July-October).

2nd warning sign is when I try to focus on my exam in October so I didn’t chase him during that time. I was doing fine before the exam but become depressed after the exam. It is because I thought I would hear from him after the exam and there’s a big silent! I reached to him and he said he’s sorry for forgetting my exam date. Then I asked about relationship, he said he just realized that his feeling towards me is not the same. I convince him to believe that our relationship will be alright again when he finished this doctor job. He agreed to do so but the situation is no better as he barely msg me or call me. He didn’t call me if I didn’t ask for it. I visited him about 1 time a month during July-October 2014.

By the end of October, we talked about our relationship once again. This time is very serious and I can feel it. He said he cannot do what I ask anymore. He said I have to give him a space. He doubts his feeling towards me when I ask whether he’s still in love with me or not. He surprisingly took a lot of time to reply to this question. It hurts me so bad even though he said he still love me. He said he needs to be aloneeee because he’s stress and confused about everything but we are still boyfriend-girlfriend. He also warned me that he is not sure how much he can give me, how much he can call me during one week, and so on. Nevertheless, I try to persuade him all the thing he said to me that it’s only 6 months away then we are back together. Then we exchanged light conversation before ending the call. Next morning I receive his msg and we send msg back and forth during the day. I started to reply to text slower so I could get more strength from myself. Msg conversation stops on day 6 after the last time I talked to him. We had no conversation on the next day and I started msg him first on the next day. That day he called me — I’m so happy. He called after that 4 days, on 6 Nov (no txt on these 4 days). Then silent afterward.

I wrote him a letter on Monday and hopefully he will receive it today. “It’s about I respect his need for space and I honor him time as much as he wants. I will think about him until he can make up his mind.” I think after today I should do No Contact for 3 weeks. If I don’t hear from him, I may have to reach him again because of my sis’s wedding. But I am afraid that I will cross his alone time again. >.< If anything does not improve before my sis’s wedding, I think I have to seriously use No Contact Rule until next April (when he’ll be back).

Please give me some suggestions if you have a better idea to deal with this issue.

Thanks,
Paris

2

This is a heart-shaking story. Be strong and apply No Contact, I wish your doctor would return to you and everything would be sorted out! After all, he only said he needs some space… he didn’t actually break up with you, and maybe he won’t even do it in the future. Keep us up-to-date!

Sorry that I can’t give you more specific advice, but I’m letting you know, I read everything you wrote.

I never understand when people punish their partners for needing them, instead of getting to their help. Relationship is (besides all the happiness) about companionship, helping your partner in need, sharing struggles. I wish I’ve been needed by my ex as much as you need yours – I’d surely run for her help.

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thanks for reading all of it Torma! I wrote it way too long! haha

I tell myself to be strong and I cannot act like I am weak again. It is not normal me too. To be honest, he doesn’t change at all except he has a crazier job before he acts so distant. It is me who makes everything worse as I depend on him too much due to my own pressure and ignore the fact that he’s on ER 36/48 hr shift sometimes. I didn’t realize the consequence at that time when I reached him every time I feel depressed and lonely. (Without pressure on the exam and job, I think I’d handle our relationship just fine.) He even pointed it out that I am not an independent and cheerful girl like he used to know :confused:

May be I am the one who need to be alone so that I’d become a strong and happy woman once again. Nevertheless, I don’t want to lose him because of this tiny issue which I created… I really hope he only needs a time off not a break up. >.<

4

I still don’t understand human nature, why they find weekness and dependence as a turnoff in a relationship. A partner is there to strenghten you when you have struggles, as you would also do the same for them, when they needed it. A relationship is not only about happy moments, but also about sharing difficulties, to go through rough times together. But I see, instead of working like this, many people reject and break up with their partner when they are in the greatest need for them.

My ex also left me during a temporary low point, when I was a little depressed by some actual life circumstances. I would have gotten better quite soon if she showed some support, but instead she broke up with me, increasing my pain to the extreme. I wouldn’t have done the same to her. If she would have been down, I would have gotten to comfort her.

It’s understandable, however, that sometimes one of the couple just doesn’t have enough capacity to fulfill all the communication needs of the other person, and yes, when this is the case, the other should step back by a few steps, leaving more space to their partner. But in that case, the partner should properly communicate it: probably this has happened to you. You’ve just been told to leave him some more space, but it’s not that he wants to end the relationship, and that he’s not willing to support you.

I was thinking much about how would I handle a needy partner in times when I don’t have capacity to be available for them at all times. I’d just tell her: „I understand that you are down and in need for me more than usual. But honestly, I can’t be available for you all the times of the day. But even when I’m not with you, and can’t talk to you, I love you, and my spirit is always there with you to support you, even when myself can’t be there. But don’t be sad – we talk on a regular basis, and then you’ll get the chance to talk through everything, and our meetings will be special celebrations.”.

I hope you don’t mind my rant. I still wish you great strength and the best of luck, @parisithi!

5

Thanks for the wish @Torma!

So sorry to hear about your bad experience… I agree with you that a partner should be more attentive when his/her partner faces with some difficulties in life. I know I expect a lot of supports from him and I feel bad that it turns out like this. :frowning: I basically turn from his soulmate to no one currently. haha. I miss those time that he always tells me that I am his soulmate for every month until this July. >.<

As a woman, I sometimes find needy issue a little ridiculous that men partners usually perceive neediness as a negative thing. It happens to me with many of my dates including my long distant boyfriend. While when my boyfriend or other old dates approach me with their neediness, I find it is so adorable and I can feel that they are like me/love me so muchhhhh. For example; they constantly check on me, either call or text, every couple hours if i am not reply to them. However, when I start acting the same, the relationship always come to an end. :confused: <<<My shame funny story. Thus, from my own assumption, I think women should not ever show any fear or react like men when their partners cannot be reached.

My little update: he received my letter! He said he likes my letter and he think it is super cute. He read all of it and all my msg in the letter are delivered to him. I will leave it to him to make decision. My letter summary; “I respect your need for space and I honor your request as long as you want. I will think about you until you can make up your mind.” I hope it turns out great. My positive instinct tells me that he would come back. ((cross my fingers)) haha XD

6

I totally forgot about his Facebook!!! Back in the day he was really into me, he set up my Facebook as his favorite. So every time I update my Facebook, it will notify him as well on his iPhone display screen. I believe he hasn’t unfavorite me…

What should I do? Does it consider as breaking NC?

7

#NCday5
I still woke up with a heartache and his face is the first thing that popped up. Thanks God I have an event today so I meet a lot of people which can help my mind unfocused at him. Hope today I won’t cry…

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I know its tough but keep going strong! The first week is the hardest but NC will get you results if you continue it. As you begin to focus on yourself you`ll feel better and your ex will begin to wonder about you. Keep busy and things will get better I promise!