Okay, so it’s been nearly 3 weeks since my ex actually dumped me. However, it’s only been about 2 since I last spoke to her, and I’m feeling like I might have done the wrong thing in asking for more space and no contact.
The situation is this: We are both college students and met in college two years ago. We met in a common area on campus when she came up and introduced herself to me and my best friend. She disappeared for about a week and then came back around and gave us her Instagram tag to follow. She then tried flirting with both me and another friend at the same time, but I was the one who really took interest and sparked her interest. After giving her my number and texting a little for a whole day, I decided to take a leap and call her on a walk to my dorm. We then proceeded to talk for 4 hours, and she really got me to open up and be myself. I felt so comfortable talking to her. It felt like I’d known her forever.
Fast forward through the past two years, and we’ve shared several experiences, even that of living together for two weeks before getting financially screwed by our roommate and going back to living with family. Things, I thought, were still going great. We tried to have a break back in March of this year that really didn’t go so well. I acted needy and kind of desperate, but still got her back and things went well because we communicated effectively about what was hurting us, what we wanted from each other, and what needed to end. I thought that we were on a great track, and the summer was even better because we chose one day a week to get together. I even treated her to something special on her birthday, and rented a room for us for the night and paid for a movie. During the relationship, we really did balance things as much as we could to be equal and not have either one of us making more effort than the other. We also helped each other a lot with different things. She helped me to get my license by helping me practice driving, and I helped her as best as I could with schoolwork and giving advice on how to succeed in college since I’ve been doing it for four years now.
Fast forward to now, and the same problem she had in school persisted. As she has been struggling to balance both working full-time and going to school part-time, she would ask me for help with schoolwork at the last minute. Although she promised that it would change this time, it didn’t. She also gets very easily distracted with other things in life that make it harder for her to focus, and she has some self-esteem issues that she deals with due to family judgements.
Well… During the last two weeks of our relationship, I could feel that something wasn’t right between us. I could feel that she was opening up to me less and talking to me less. If I wanted to talk to her, I came across as needy. She started acting a little cold towards me, and I could not figure out why. On the day that she actually ended things with me, things had escalated at home between her and her parents who were telling her that she needs to make some big changes and start being more responsible. While I agree with them, the fact that it seems as though I was her biggest distraction from what she said to me- things like “I don’t want to disrespect my parents,” “I can’t love you and love myself,” “I need to learn how to love myself, and so do you,” etc.- make me feel like she left because she cannot think for herself. But, I digress, as I don’t want to come across as hating her or her parents. I don’t, and I didn’t want them to hate me.
We talked about things, and initially agreed to try to be friends straight out of the relationship. While I have accepted the breakup and all reasons for it, and I have started to look inside myself and work on my own insecurities, I feel as though she hasn’t, really. The thing that worries me is that she and I have the same friends, on social media and in real life. Some of our friends seem, in a way, annoyed by me talking about my feelings for her that are still strong. Again, we did just stop contact only two weeks ago, even though she broke up with me nearly three weeks ago. I was also the one who, on the premise of wanting to be mature about this and look at it from her perspective as well as mine, asked for more space from her knowing that trying to be friends after dating for two years and her ending things would not be any more conducive to us needing space or working on ourselves than staying in a relationship in which one of us lost attraction, connection, and trust with the other (which is exactly what it seems like happened). I was needy at the beginning in not wanting to lose her, and I even kissed her goodbye the night after she broke up with me. But, I took time away from her for a weekend and realized that we really do need the distance and space and time. I need to give it to her as she asked for a breakup, and I need to give it to myself so I can work on me. She also needs to give herself the space and time to work on herself if that is what she truly needs to do.
However, I’m seeing things that maybe tell me that I need to stay away from Instagram specifically (as that is the only social media platform she uses), and I am getting suspicions that our mutual friends know that she is doing things that will hurt her.
A mutual friend posted a picture of themselves drinking, and my ex commented “Same” on the picture. It makes me feel as if she’s just really not happy right now, and I feel like I should stop no contact and reach out and send her the elephant in the room text and try to get back in touch and spark a new connection with a new foundation. However, I did tell her that I wanted a month apart, and from the day we spoke and I told her I want more distance, it’s only been about two weeks. Should I break the ice and try, or should I stick to my plan and stay strong and contact her when I’M ready, not just on the premise that I’m worried for her? I’m open to the fact that even if I play my cards right, I may not get her back, and I may have to move on from her specifically. I’m also open to loving others, and I know that I have the capacity to find happiness in whatever I feel like doing for myself. I’m a very spiritual person, and I know that I cannot put my happiness in someone else’s hands. I need to want to be happy whether or not I’m with her, and I genuinely do. However, I see so much potential for a good relationship between us that I still want to pursue her.
What should I do? I’m torn.
