Keep this as short as possible. 10yrs, children together, split 5 months ago. The guide has really helped me personally and I’ve followed it as much as possible - no contact was done to a degree but due to children couldn’t be fully done. So 5months later living apart. I’ve made changes that have improved myself for sure, and I really did accept it was over. When we split I let her know my feelings about wanting to make it work, was met kinda coldly so didn’t go down that line again. I’ve been total respectful to her, she has of me in fairness, working together especially for the children. She’s a good mum and really is a good woman. I made mistakes that I didn’t realise or truly consider at the time.
For about a month she was spending time with an old “friend”, I just acted cool about this even though it was killing me inside. Last week she said she wanted to talk to me, told me that they had spent the night together. Killer. But I acted calm said it hurts but we’re not together and so haven’t really done anything wrong. She told me it was a big big mistake and that since that night she spent with him she has put an end to even hanging out as friends. She also said that it made her realise that she misses me, isn’t over me and still loves me. I’ve taken the line of what’s the point in making any of this worse - whatever the outcome and so I’ve been decent for sure. She has been talking and txting me this week saying she misses the family life and misses me but is dubious of considering giving it another try just yet but said she wouldn’t rule it out for the future.
So here I am, I feel I came far just being me because I believed and accepted it was all done for good really. Now my mind is racing again, I’ve kept things in check still, been positive respectful and continue to improve myself. We get on chat laugh, would even say we flirt at times - and it all just feels so good.
So do I just keep what I’m doing and just see what happens or is there something you think i might be missing and should be doing???
Many thanks for your time reading this and replying if you do - all the best to all of you!
The best case scenario would be to get back together as a family. But she’s reluctant most likely because of things you’ve said or done in the past. Ask her if she would be willing to attend marriage counseling sessions with you. Continue to make the necessary improvements. Continue to be kind and respectful… Only time will show what the future might be. Try not to stress out in the meantime.
Thanks for your post Patricia. We have been spending some time together, she has been coming round to my place with the children and even stayed - not in the same room. I feel I have to tread carefully and very very slowly. Although I also feel I can’t hold onto too much hope and need to carry on as I don’t think waiting for something that may never happen will be constructive for myself in honesty. I’ve had offers off other women but I’m really not interested - it would only make things worse and there’s only one woman I love. Maybe in time that will be a possibility but certainly not for me right now. I’ll just carry on and be decent as possibly towards her - I’m not sure I could avoid us going into the “friend zone” but I don’t think that’s in my hands to steer really , you have any thoughts on this? - thanks for your time , much appreciated
What reasons did she give you for the split?
You can’t control her feelings and thoughts, but she said she misses you and the family life, so that’s a good thing and an indication that she wouldn’t put you in the “friend zone” any time soon.
Have you asked her if she would consider marriage counseling?
PS: What do you mean you’ve had offers from other women? Did you join a dating site?
Basically I didn’t appreciate and respect what she did for me in some key areas and moments - have to say I see that now. And no not dating sites, just other women who know me. I don’t think counselling is something she would consider at all if honest - she is a very private person.
@ad I’m assuming you’ve already apologized for the specific ways you mistreated her (lack of appreciation and respect). Appreciation can be a simple genuine thank you and maybe a reciprocal kind gesture. But how did you display lack of respect? There can be any number of ways to show it; from ignoring to name calling etc…
Most people who want to mend a marriage will do anything to do so. Being a private person wouldn’t matter because psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors are bound by an oath to guard the privacy of their clients. I think you should at least ask her! Just your asking will show her you’re serious to save the marriage and family unit.