My ex and I were together for four years and we were living together for the past 3. He gets very jealous. I attribute it to the fact he’s in the military and often deployed. His jealousy causes a lot of fights between us where he has said very hurtful things as have I. A month ago we got into an argue meant because he accused me of messing around (which I never have) and I argued back and it blew up. He ended things but we still lived in the same house. He saw me crying for weeks and tried to comfort me and be intimate with me. Last week I asked him to leave our house that way I could work on myself and stop the the false hope. He continues to talk to me and contact me. I’m confused because I do not want to stop responding and complete cut him off because I fear he will think I was messing around all along and have just moved on now. Should I continue my no contact I’ve had or should I respond when he talks to me or seems my attention and comfort?
@lacurana - Sorry to hear your story, you must be heartbroken. Try to think if there’s anything you did to prompt his jealous feelings. Did you mention a male co-worker a lot, did you flirt with other men when you were with your ex? Things like that? If you didn’t and he had no proof of physical or emotional cheating and yet he continued to be jealous, it might have been he had a fear of losing you, he has low self esteem, or he has controlling tendencies. Unfounded jealousy kills love and relationships. There has to be trust for a relationship to thrive. A partner needs to believe what the other one says and hurtful words will also cause love to fade.
If there’s a chance you two want to get back together, there must be some changes. You both have to trust each other and you have to show respect to each other by not saying cruel hurtful things. Contact him one more time to tell him he has to trust you and that you both need time to think things over and you want him to honor your request for no contact. Ask if he will agree to a deadline such as a month or two. Tell him at the end of no contact that you should get together (if he agrees) to talk about how to improve your interactions and behaviors in order to reconcile and make a possible future loving relationship happier. Also talk about needs you both have such as trust and respect etc… Then start no contact and be strong. Don’t date, but do things you enjoy such as visiting friends and family more often or spending time on hobbies etc… Good luck.
As an outsider and from just the information you wrote… the relationship sounds terrible. He is jealous all the time, he fights with you and says terrible things, when you say something back, he breaks up and you end up crying for weeks.
That isn’t the way a relationship is supposed to be. Each person should be working to help the other person in the relationship. He should be working to make your life better and making you both happy instead of tearing things down.
Sometimes people can’t help the feelings they have. But they can control how they act. Someone may feel jealous unreasonably but that doesn’t mean they should take it out on their partner. Instead, they can talk through it. Something like “I feel jealous, can you help me out and can we work together so I can help avoid that feeling” would be an example of someone feeling jealous but being able to work to prevent it from causing problems in a relationship.
Nobody is perfect but yelling at the other person about it is an example of someone just taking out their feelings on their partner. And it only makes things worse for everyone.
You asked him to leave the house. You should be proud of yourself for making that move. And you want a period of no contact but you are worried that he will think you don’t care or are going out with someone else.
One way to handle that is to explain the situation to him. You need a period of 30 days of no contact because you are very upset and need to get a clear head. And you hope that period of time will also help him out, he will have time to think clearly about things. You can tell him during that time you won’t be going out or contacting other guys.
And you can tell him that if he wants what is best for both of you, he will respect your decision. Not having contact during this period is a sign of respect for the partner and the relationship. And you can tell him that after 30 days, you can talk about things.
And if he does respect your 30 days of no contact, it is a sign of respect toward you. If he ignores it and keeps contacting you anyway, it shows he doesn’t respect you or your feelings. I’m hoping for the best.
Thank you I appreciate that good advice! Gathering from what both of you have said I will let him know about the no contact and then when it’s over I’ll lay down my ground rules.