HI and thank you for any advice or stories that might help. My ex and I dated for 9 months, I am in my late 30’s and he is in his late 40’s. He has older teenagers 50% and I have an 11 year old 100%, with no real help nearby. We had a very very special relationship - I believe we were both the loves of each others lives. He told me that all the time and told me that he had never said that before. That he was sure. He had asked me to marry him several times, not with a ring or a in a way that I would have considered us engaged, more letting me know that he wanted to be with me forever. Every time I had a chance we would travel, at least once a month and made adult time by day dates, short trips, etc. We talked about our future, he lived about an hour North of me but had a business up there and his kids in school up there, my work has more flexibility. He moved into a house about 15 minutes closer to me and we started talking about schools for my son for the following school year. We found one that was in between the house and my work, so it was convenient on all fronts and my son loved the school. He had to test to get in, tutored and studied for months and finally got in. During that time we took all of our kids on a trip together. They got along great. I am sure that my son wanted a lot of their attention, he has always been an only child, but they all played and swam and laughed together. After the trip I could see my ex start to pull away and my son’s deposit for school was due that week. He started telling me he needed more time, would I commute 45 minutes to my sons school for a year, etc. At first I was hesitant because it hurt that he wanted to change our plan and wasn’t ready, but when I said I would he told me that he didn’t think it was a good idea for my son to go to that school, because of the relationship and that I might have to pull him out. I was devastated. My son was so excited for this school and worked so hard to get in, but it was very expensive and a 45-1 1 1/2 drive with traffic morning and afternoon made no sense for me or for my son. My ex told me just needed time to wrap his head around things. I was angry that he could hurt my son like this, take this away from him. That we were in different places in terms of commitment and that he wasn’t willing to make sacrifices for me, as I was moving out of my apartment which I love, away from all my friends commuting to work, etc. We went back and forth for a week without seeing each other, during that time he told me he didn’t wan to lose me, but that he couldn’t have an 11 year old in the house full time. He wanted his freedom (he was used to having 50% adult time, he was worried for his children. I was angry, he was scared and had cold feet. We were in 2 different places and it ended. I was heartbroken and so was he.
I went 6 weeks with no contact. After about a month we saw each other on the app that we meet on, I was really just testing the waters, not really ready to date. I had figured out a different school for my son, I took care of myself. I went on a trip for a friends birthday that had we still been together he would have been on with me, I had too much to drink and texted him just a hi. He responded. He told me that dating sucked and no fun. I of course made mistakes and asked him if he would fly to where I was so we could talk. He didn’t respond. I messaged him daily for about 4 days about meeting up face to face. NO response. I told him that I just wanted to be friends and I wasn’t sure why he responded at first and then stopped but that the door was open.
I went another 3 1/2 months of no contact. Went out on dates, dated someone for a month. Definitely was forcing myself to try - and after a month ended it because the person I was dating was starting really like me and I knew it was just a bandaid for me. I asked Kevin for advice and he told me I had 2 options - to start messaging him as a friend, with the advice he lays out here. That it could work, but that it was really not honest to what I wanted and I had tried before. Or my other options was to lay my cards on the table and see how he reacted. He helped me craft a message basically staying that I was thinking about him and still missed him. That wish I had given him time when he asked for it and that I would like to start communicating with him and see where it goes. No commitment no expectations. Vulnerable and only about how I feel - not needy or I need you back, but that I think we could do things differently. I wasn’t sure if he had blocked my texts so I emailed it to him. But before I realized that he might have blocked me, I started on text and just said “I miss you.” Then I sent the email. A few hours later he responded “I miss you too. I’m not sure what we can do about that.” I wrote back something cute like run away and join the circus, then said that I didn’t know either. I am not sure when he wrote I miss you too if he had read the email or not.
It was 4 days, I have have not heard anything. I sent him a picture last night, just a view I used to send him all the time, with no words. No response. Per Kevins advice, I am waiting until about a week after the email to write again. My plan is to write something like I hope you got my email and just wondering if you had time to think about what I said. But if he doesn’t respond I guess I go back to NC. It is frustrating because if after 5 months I am still in love with him (I didn’t say it that bluntly in my email), but if after 5 months I miss him and he admits he still misses me, there is something still there. I am not angry anymore, my son is happy and thriving in his school. I love my apartment, and I wish we hadn’t moved so fast. But we did…
Any thoughts, advice, or revelations would be appreciated!
Ann