met up with my ex, what do i do now??

Breakup Help reconciliation
561

how would we go about finding eachother on facebook? :slight_smile:

and ill post the string of texts here for you to see what i truley mean…

this was durying work and after i had sent multiple texts reminding her about the same day out. my point was i wante to go out without her asking em to do things for her etc.

Me: Look, cmon! i feel fed up of these games. im trying to make effort and feel like im having nothing in return, i offered you a nice day out and you cant even be bothered to reply. whats up?"

i felt extremely bad immediately and felt i had made a mistake. this was her reply.

Her: sorry.i left my phone in my locker all day yesterday. i know your being so nice with this offer and i know where it is. but the reason i havent said yes is becuase im just worried that me saying yes to come is a sign to you about something else. i would want to go as your freind but im not sure if thats an option for you."

Me: why did you say this the first time? ultimately i just want us to all go back to being our normal group of friends. the honest reason i asked you to go out for a day last saturday and then monday (today) is becuase you didnt reply the first time, and becuase you had asked me to breakfast, lunch, taking you to drop cv’s to places etc and i took you to work because you felt down and even offerd to talk about what was wrong. i just wanted a nice day out, no strings attached. thats all. nothing else. i asked your sister because you didnt reply, no other reason. she didnt reply and it honestly frustraited me. im trying to be your freind becuase you told me that i am your best friend, and thats fine. becuase you are mine. id never want to ruin that. there are still some questions i want to ask but that will come in time. all i am trying to say is, i wanted to spend a nice day out together with nothing else going on because i feel it is something we need. i didnt mean to sound so blunt but i just felt that there was something seriously wrong. and how do you know where it is…?"

Her: my sister told me. actually when i realised it was something planned. i didnt say anything because i… well if im honest with you i was a little mad at you. i thought we werent gonna say things to other people but you did. but it doesnt matter. when i get to work later, if im not rotad in tomorrow we can go.

Me: it does matter, and how could i blame you. it was hypocritical of me and im sorry. i owe you an apology for that in person at least. or you could take a shot at me in boxing if you really like… (tried to make it less doom and gloom) if im honest i just wanted someone to talk to and that person should of been you. hope we are okay, and i hope we can go tomorrow still. it would be an awesome day.

her: It would be fun. but, there is a big problem. i want to go as your friend, is that okay for you?

Me: yes. honest and a promise.

Her: okay ill let you know.

After her shift:

Her: sorry, i only just finished. im working tomorrow sadly. still boxercise?

(i was extremely bummed out at this point.)

Me: thats okay, and yeah sure but only if you promise not to beat me too hard because of earlier haha.

Her: haha i promise. im working till close tomorrow, im gonna be crackered.

Me: i guess that means your not able to come to the doctor who show this evening ? :frowning:

(this had been planned for a very long time, i even reminded her a few times but she genuinly forgot)

Her: oh crap oh crap oh crap!

i didnt reply becuase i had fallen asleep, this was at 1 am and had to be in work at 5am.

she replied again this morning.

Her: i totally forgot

Me: ah dont worry. nans not well again, ive just been sattalking to her and im in a right state.
honestly its okay about tonight, i dont think im gonna come boxing though, i will tomorrow.

Her: its not okay. i should have remembered. im sorry. hope your nan is not too bad. you okay? i cant come tomorrow i have a job interview.

we talked for a little about this.
the convo went on and this was what was most recently said in the last hour or so.

Me: would your sister like to come? she loves doctor who and plays too. (we are all great friends so its okay)

Her: she would love to go she said :slight_smile:

Me: cool ill pick her up at half 6!

Her: yeah thats fine :slight_smile:

she just text this to me:

Her: ive just got to work so my phones in my locker. hope you have a good time tonight :slight_smile:

so… i guess i just have to play it cool and stay like this for some time. @kaila your advice seems good. it seems i HAVE to keep LC though… or something. i dont know what to do at this point…

562

You should just play it cool. The only thing I will say though is that if you’re continuing to wait around because you think things are going to change, I probably wouldn’t. I think they will change in time if you are LC or NC and don’t talk to her much, but she’s already played the “just friends” card so you can’t bank on that and will hurt yourself if you do. For now, I think the best option is to start moving on with your life. TRULY moving on. Hopefully, she’ll see this and she’ll follow, but it’s about you needing to take care of yourself.

If you want to find me on facebook, google “Carter Augusta facebook”. I should be the 5th link down.

I’m going to go read what you posted on my page now :slight_smile: I’ll respond quickly.

563

ive just added who i think is you :slight_smile: let me know if you had a freind request! it is from Joe :slight_smile:

564

It’s me! I accepted. If you want to talk more, feel free to facebook me. Otherwise, I just responded to your comment on my post.

565

awesome :slight_smile: and yeah that sounds really good. likewise!

566

Thargus, I might have added you, not sure ahah. Please don’t post my facebook name here

I think if you saw each other once in awhile it could work. But I’m afraid you won’t be able to truly move on keeping that much contact, she won’t get a sense of how is her life with you completely out of the picture, and you won’t be able to show her you are moving on because well… you aren’t. because you see her too much. As you also said earlier, maybe you should have done no contact for longer earlier. Maybe now wouldn’t be a bad idea? I’m not too sure either to be honest.

I think since she does really care about you at least as a friend, if you disappear a bit from her life and start having a social life without her and without being under her radar she will notice. If you start meeting girls and going on dates might be good too. But do it for you. That is how you make an impact. If it’s real :slight_smile:

567

Ive read this thread front to back as I was thinking finally a person posting is about to get their ex back and it gave me hope. But as a woman, who has had her ex pining to be with her for the past two months, your ex kind of reminds me of me. He is so available all the time to me and every time he is I just think to myself why couldn’t he do this in the relationship. But had he ignored me for months and then got back in contact with me I would have been more inclined to hear him out in a non friendship way. Also, no matter what I do, my ex hangs onto my every word, action breath. And because of it, I friendzoned him amongst other reasons of course. I just don’t see him romantically at all. But I am so use to him contacting me it makes me want to keep him as a friend but nothing else. I am sorry if this isn’t helpful I just saw a lot of similarities in you, him, her and I. The only way I could see you possibly getting her back is to do NC for a bit and then contact her. It is a terrible idea to agree to being friends. Once you do, it is very hard to see you as a romantic interest.

568

Also to note, this is not the ex I was on this site about. But this is the ex I have even felt comfortable to speak about the ex I am on this site about. As I see him as a friend, so I confide in him as one. Regardless of what the topic, as that is what friends do. As a friend, you are subjecting yourself to be the shoulder to lean on no matter what the topic, even if it’s about a new love interest. Do you want to hear about a new love interest from the woman you love? Friends isn’t a good idea unless you are willing to hear all of that and be genuinely supportive. That topic WILL come up.

569

Blue I think your exactly right. Do you think I should talk with her and explain I cant be her friend or should I just go into noncontact?
Im realising at this moment my feelings aren’t going to go away and it is really going to hurt more than it does now when she does find someone else. I dont know what to do.

570

Also kaila I think you did find me :slight_smile: I accepted it !

571

Thatgus I think that whether you tell her or not is completely up to you. either way if you tell her or don’t, it will show how much you mean to her (if she contacts you or not)
I think personally, not telling her and just going no contact would be good. Leave it up to her to talk to you now. If you bump into her and she asks why you haven’t been talking, just say you started a new hobby (you actually do have to start one though!) and say you’ve been really busy etc :slight_smile:

572

But you actually have to be busy and distract yourself not just say it- from what I’ve heard from other people and from my own experience, it isn’t until you actually start to get over them that the universe has a funny way of making them miss you!

No joke, the evening my ex said to me how much he regretted it, missed me and wanted to try again, THAT MORNING I had said to my friends “yeah tbh I don’t even think about him much anymore! I quite enjoy being single!!”

ironic hey? The universe is funny in that sense!

573

Amy, how are you doing? I’d love to hear any update, as it sounds like things are going well and I’m trying to keep my mind off my own situation. It’d also be really cool to keep in touch with you. If you have a facebook or something, you should add me!

574

1stanza yeah that would be great!!

Honestly, it’s really nice but I’m still quite wary. He’s being very lovely and sweet to me, and tells me how much he’s missed me and how happy he is to be back together-we spent the weekend together which was really nice :slight_smile:

However a few things are bothering me a bit- he hasn’t changed his relationship status on Facebook :s granted neither have I, but still :\

And 2, he doesn’t end his goodnight texts in kisses! I haven’t been either, but tonight and last night I did a little test to see if he would-and he didn’t! Which I find a little weird…

Should I mention something? :S

575

Hey Thargus,
This is my first time on your post. I just read your story. Incredibly similar to mine. I dated her for 4-5 years then we didn’t speak for a while and then we spoke on and off for 2 years and blah blah. But the point is she wants a good friendship… She wants to start afresh and wants things to be like before we started to date i.e. best friends… What I realize from your conversation is that your ex goes hot and cold on you… Same as mine… I gave her an ultimatum like you were planning… Doesn’t work she said its better if we don’t talk… She said she did not want to hurt me… She wants to be a good friend… I was needy and insisted she made a choice and she chose not to speak… It doesn’t work…
So, I texted her after a day saying that friendship doesn’t work between exes… but I think we are different… I could not accept that you have moved away but honestly since you decided no relationship I felt much better the next day… Deep inside I could not accept that its not going to work out but I feel much better… We understand each other so well and I would like this friendship to last… I told her you decide… I am okay with whatever…

My ex used to behave like your ex and I always messed up… It’s not like a power game but what makes them happy is knowing you will be there… They will contact you some way or the other in a couple of weeks time if we don’t speak and yet they will not take things further… They want to know you will be there… What I plan to do is be unaffected by any of it… Show them her that if they want just friendship we are fine… You don’t need to be fine but you have to show it to her that you don’t care and are absolutely fine with being friends… If she treats you cold or does not reply for 2 days like my ex… you also stop replying or just reply with one word - making obvious your annoyance and yet not shouting… Show them that they do not matter as much as they think they do… Show them you are more than ready to be friends… And don’t always make plans sometimes after a meeting with her disappear or don’t text her for like a few days and make a plan if she doesn’t… Let her miss you and wonder where have you gone… It’s impossible for them not to feel or remember… Just act as a friend and when you go out initially it would be a good idea if you invite your other friends and make it a chill scene… To make them like us we have to show that it does not matter if they are there or not… That’s how they function… Be absolutely cool about the friendship…

I am planning this line of action and then decide later the next step… Any other suggestions?

576

Oh sorry I forgot to say after my message she replied saying lets start afresh and I do want this friendship to exist always… She said that I have been with her through thick and thin and now its her turn… which sounds good… now lets see I am making a drinking plan with my friend and her in a couple of days…

577

Hey Amy! It’s great things are going that good. Honestly I know it’s very hard not to overthink but if he is that sweet to you and you feel things are going good, that’s what matters really. Those things don’t really mean anything in my opinion. You just got back, let things unfold naturally. Status on facebook or kisses on a text aren’t really important or telling of his feelings or anything.

Also I think @Thargus shouldn’t tell her he is busy with a new hobbie. I think he should just say he is busy and leave her wondering :wink: if she asks just say “aaah, I’ve been just going out more” or something eheh

578

Yea! That’s very true Kaila hehehe.
You should make her miss you for sure. Do not go to the same boxing classes together anymore!
And if she replies, either don’t reply or wait like, a week or something to reply (which will be really hard but
You HAVE to do that now!)

579

She asked me to print a bus pass for her.

Look what she just text me. I’ve left for work. Could you drop the boarding pass at my house please ?
Or come visit me at work lol ?

My mind just hurts… What do I do?

580

She clearly wants me to visit her at work…