I (F, 21) was in a 3-year relationship with my ex (M, 22). We really loved each other, and overall the relationship wasn’t toxic or full of big betrayals. In many ways, we actually matched really well — we had similar interests, had a lot of fun together, and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. We even talked about a future together, and we both introduced each other to our families, which was a big step for both of us since neither of us had brought a partner home before.
He was also my first boyfriend, while he had been in a relationship before me.
But over time, something didn’t fully work between us.
About two years ago, I struggled with depression and anxiety. During that time, he stayed by my side and supported me a lot, even though he told me later that he had lost some feelings back then. He said he stayed because he believed in us and was waiting for me to get better.
That made me realize how much he loved me. I did get better, but at the same time I became more emotionally dependent on him. I started to rely on him for my happiness and comfort, and I think I began to cling to him more and more.
I often felt like I wasn’t loved in the way I needed. I needed more emotional closeness, reassurance, and small gestures, and I didn’t always feel fulfilled. Because of that, I sometimes made him feel like he wasn’t enough, even if I didn’t mean to hurt him.
To be fair, he did make efforts and I did notice that at times. There were moments where I could see that he was trying and improving, and that he cared. But somehow, even then, it still didn’t fully feel like enough for me, and I couldn’t shake that feeling.
On his side, he loved me, but he often felt like he couldn’t make me happy. He told me he felt like he tried and “fought” for the relationship, but in the end he felt exhausted and like it just wasn’t working. He also said he couldn’t really change and also that the relationship wasn’t like the time before i had my mental issues.
I ended the relationship somewhat impulsively in a moment where I felt overwhelmed and unhappy. The next morning, I called him and asked if he would want to try again. Because of that, he had about a week to think things through.
After that week of no contact, we met once to talk. During that conversation, he told me he doesn’t want to try again. Since then, we’ve had no contact.
Now I’m in a very confusing emotional state. I miss him a lot and I still love him. At the same time, I’ve reflected a lot and realized my own mistakes. I think I put too much pressure on him and relied too much on him for emotional reassurance. I also realize now that we might just have different ways of loving.
Part of me really wants to try again and believes it could work if I handle things differently. Another part of me is scared that the same problems would come back, and that he might not be willing or able to change either.
I also struggle a lot with anxiety after the breakup. I have intrusive thoughts about him moving on or being with someone else, and I feel very attached. I notice that when I get attention from others (like on dating apps), I feel more okay, but when I’m alone I miss him intensely.
Right now i’m doing no contact. It‘s been 5 weeks since the last time we spoke. He also didn’t reach out. I removed him everywhere on socials because i wanted to heal first. I’m thinking about reaching out to him after some time (in around a month) in a calm way, just to see how things feel, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea.
My main questions are:
- Is it realistic for something like this to work again?
- How do I know if I truly want him, or just the feeling of connection?
I’d really appreciate honest opinions or advice. Thank you all in advance.