Hello!
I am looking to hear from some of you on your opinion on whether my situation is fixable.
I was in a relationship with a woman for about a year and three months. It was amazing and I am not just romanticizing it either. We rarely ever argued and the three times we did it was short. I will say that the times we argued it wasn’t a big thing, it was more her telling me what was bothering her in the relationship. I do want to point out that I could have listened better and put more effort into working towards a resolution. Despite that, the discussions always started late at night when we shared a few drinks but by morning, she acted all cool. So I never really thought of it as that big of deal and that maybe we just had a little too much to drink. Anyways. For the last eight months of our relationship, she had moved in with me. Things went great. We got a long even better and we both shared the same core values of living.
Back in July, however, I made a mistake. I went up to visit some friends at a buddy of mines cabin and one of the people up there happened to be my ex’s close friend. I happened to have had a little to much to drink and made a move to kiss her friend. While our lips did touch for a second her friend held back. To be fair, her friend was very flirtatious with me. Not that it is an excuse. Her friend an I discussed what to do and we decided at the time it was best to not say anything. Unfortunately after a day an half being back, we both felt extremely guilty about what happened and we decided to tell our partners about it. My second mistake was taking the full responsibility of it to avoid seeing her friendship destroyed. In my head, at the time, I felt breaking her heart was enough. I mean hell, if I didn’t make the move we wouldn’t have been in the position to begin with. She didn’t take it well and moved out for a week. When we did meet again, she tried to work it out with me but I was confused. Confused on my emotions, confused on why it happened, unsure on what/who I wanted. I tried to break it off.
The next morning she came over with her other friend to start moving things out. I knew if I was there I would take her back and I did. Her friend spoke with me and told me how much she loved me and I crumbled. For the following two weeks she moved back in but it was different. Because of how upset I had become, my emotions kept me from working towards a solution and I kinda grew distant from her. We broke up shortly after two weeks. It was a rough break up. I said somethings I didn’t necessarily mean. She was so upset and I couldn’t stand seeing her like this. She kept trying to fight for it. Fight to keep us together. Eventually she left and I was heartbroken.
Now, I didn’t realize this until recently but in the following four months afterwards I essentially ran from the truth. I buried the truth and as a result I eventually couldn’t admit it. This cause me to become depressed overtime and by December, I was a wreck. Not only had I not given myself time to heal but I ran from it.
In December I tried to reconnect with her. Hoping I could rekindle what we had. I would like to note that I did not read any advice prior to this. I tried but the weird thing was I couldn’t find any websites besides forum posts of people who have asked for help. With that said, I sent a simple text “Hey, when will you be free this week” she replied with “Why” and I followed with “would you like to grab some coffee or a drink sometime?”. I received no reply. I decided to give it one more shot. I wrote a note about how I was sorry for what I had done, how much I loved her, that part of the reason I made the mistake was from commitment issues that arised when I started thinking of marriage, I also added at the end that I am happy if she found someone who brought happiness in her life. I placed the note with her favorite flowers and a picture of us together on her car one night she worked. I did not receive a replay although I had heard from a friend that she read it and was confused on what to do.
Two days after, we bumped into each other at a local bar. Not expecting either of us to meet you can be sure we were both surprised and shocked. We started talking about how each other have been doing and we eventually walked to another bar. I could tell she was feeling uncomfortable so I decided to leave to meet up with the group I originally came with. As I walked up to her to let her know she wanted to walk outside to talk. This led to a very emotional conversation but ultimately, at the end we continued to hang out for the rest of the night. Going to another bar and then getting a 2 AM breakfast. As she left I asked if it was alright if we met again in the future and she agreed. I could tell by her facial expression that deep down, despite her emotions, she was sort of happy to see me. The following day we texted each other. Mainly about the Steelers game but she mentioned how she was hanging out by herself so I decided to try and invite her out. She surprisingly showed up without any notice and we hung out the rest of the night playing pool. We did not talk about the relationship much but at one point she mentioned to me that I was on thin ice but she was open to making baby steps.
Throughout the Christmas week we texted. I could tell as the days went by she became more distant and cold. Very little reply’s but short ones at that. By Thursday after Christmas she had stopped replying. I will say I did not do what the programs promote and showed to be desperate, needy and obsessed. To an extent, not crazy or anything. If she didn’t reply, I didn’t continue to bug. I did try pushing to meet up however. That following Friday, a friend of mine told me that she had just recently started dating someone. I was hurt when I found out. For one thing, not once did she mention to me she was seeing someone else and I felt that it was something she should have mentioned when she saw me. I also was hurt because I couldn’t get myself to be okay with it. I eventually texted her letting her know that I knew, that she should have said something, that we should probably stop talking altogether.
She messaged me that night explaining that she did recently start dating someone, that it wasn’t any of my business to know regardless. She said she was confused. That her emotions got the best of her which is why she stopped texting me. She was confused how I could go from breaking up with her to loving her immensely. She feels I only came back because I didn’t get what I wanted from her friend and that. She continued saying if I truly wanted to marry her that the incident at the cabin wouldn’t have happened. That she was surprised by my effort because I never brought her flowers or coffee when we did date. Ended it on the note of the fact that she loved me through my darkest times, put me on a pedastal and at the time I didn’t her. That “how can she just be okay with everything just for the unhappiness and content part comes back.” I tried to fight for her that night but ultimately saw her the next morning to say our goodbyes. When I asked if the man she was with brought her happiness she replied “idk, I just recently started dating him.” She continued to say that I placed her second and always will. Four months wasn’t enough time to get over it and that she is still hurt and trying to move on. She said “who knows what tomorrow might bring but right now is not the right moment.” That she will always care about me. I have not spoken to her since.
I have been doing NC since New Years and really been reflecting on what happened. Trying to figure out the flaws and work on them. I have been doing a lot better lately, although, I still need more NC so I will continue. I am hoping for some advice on whether it’s even worth a shot or not. I have made some positive change in my life. I reflected hard on what went wrong and why. Been doing research and reading the E-Book + AHW. I have begun to accept that she has moved on and accepted it. Let me know what everyone’s opinion on this matter, I could really use it.