Looking For Advice

Hello!

I am looking to hear from some of you on your opinion on whether my situation is fixable.

I was in a relationship with a woman for about a year and three months. It was amazing and I am not just romanticizing it either. We rarely ever argued and the three times we did it was short. I will say that the times we argued it wasn’t a big thing, it was more her telling me what was bothering her in the relationship. I do want to point out that I could have listened better and put more effort into working towards a resolution. Despite that, the discussions always started late at night when we shared a few drinks but by morning, she acted all cool. So I never really thought of it as that big of deal and that maybe we just had a little too much to drink. Anyways. For the last eight months of our relationship, she had moved in with me. Things went great. We got a long even better and we both shared the same core values of living.

Back in July, however, I made a mistake. I went up to visit some friends at a buddy of mines cabin and one of the people up there happened to be my ex’s close friend. I happened to have had a little to much to drink and made a move to kiss her friend. While our lips did touch for a second her friend held back. To be fair, her friend was very flirtatious with me. Not that it is an excuse. Her friend an I discussed what to do and we decided at the time it was best to not say anything. Unfortunately after a day an half being back, we both felt extremely guilty about what happened and we decided to tell our partners about it. My second mistake was taking the full responsibility of it to avoid seeing her friendship destroyed. In my head, at the time, I felt breaking her heart was enough. I mean hell, if I didn’t make the move we wouldn’t have been in the position to begin with. She didn’t take it well and moved out for a week. When we did meet again, she tried to work it out with me but I was confused. Confused on my emotions, confused on why it happened, unsure on what/who I wanted. I tried to break it off.

The next morning she came over with her other friend to start moving things out. I knew if I was there I would take her back and I did. Her friend spoke with me and told me how much she loved me and I crumbled. For the following two weeks she moved back in but it was different. Because of how upset I had become, my emotions kept me from working towards a solution and I kinda grew distant from her. We broke up shortly after two weeks. It was a rough break up. I said somethings I didn’t necessarily mean. She was so upset and I couldn’t stand seeing her like this. She kept trying to fight for it. Fight to keep us together. Eventually she left and I was heartbroken.

Now, I didn’t realize this until recently but in the following four months afterwards I essentially ran from the truth. I buried the truth and as a result I eventually couldn’t admit it. This cause me to become depressed overtime and by December, I was a wreck. Not only had I not given myself time to heal but I ran from it.

In December I tried to reconnect with her. Hoping I could rekindle what we had. I would like to note that I did not read any advice prior to this. I tried but the weird thing was I couldn’t find any websites besides forum posts of people who have asked for help. With that said, I sent a simple text “Hey, when will you be free this week” she replied with “Why” and I followed with “would you like to grab some coffee or a drink sometime?”. I received no reply. I decided to give it one more shot. I wrote a note about how I was sorry for what I had done, how much I loved her, that part of the reason I made the mistake was from commitment issues that arised when I started thinking of marriage, I also added at the end that I am happy if she found someone who brought happiness in her life. I placed the note with her favorite flowers and a picture of us together on her car one night she worked. I did not receive a replay although I had heard from a friend that she read it and was confused on what to do.

Two days after, we bumped into each other at a local bar. Not expecting either of us to meet you can be sure we were both surprised and shocked. We started talking about how each other have been doing and we eventually walked to another bar. I could tell she was feeling uncomfortable so I decided to leave to meet up with the group I originally came with. As I walked up to her to let her know she wanted to walk outside to talk. This led to a very emotional conversation but ultimately, at the end we continued to hang out for the rest of the night. Going to another bar and then getting a 2 AM breakfast. As she left I asked if it was alright if we met again in the future and she agreed. I could tell by her facial expression that deep down, despite her emotions, she was sort of happy to see me. The following day we texted each other. Mainly about the Steelers game but she mentioned how she was hanging out by herself so I decided to try and invite her out. She surprisingly showed up without any notice and we hung out the rest of the night playing pool. We did not talk about the relationship much but at one point she mentioned to me that I was on thin ice but she was open to making baby steps.

Throughout the Christmas week we texted. I could tell as the days went by she became more distant and cold. Very little reply’s but short ones at that. By Thursday after Christmas she had stopped replying. I will say I did not do what the programs promote and showed to be desperate, needy and obsessed. To an extent, not crazy or anything. If she didn’t reply, I didn’t continue to bug. I did try pushing to meet up however. That following Friday, a friend of mine told me that she had just recently started dating someone. I was hurt when I found out. For one thing, not once did she mention to me she was seeing someone else and I felt that it was something she should have mentioned when she saw me. I also was hurt because I couldn’t get myself to be okay with it. I eventually texted her letting her know that I knew, that she should have said something, that we should probably stop talking altogether.

She messaged me that night explaining that she did recently start dating someone, that it wasn’t any of my business to know regardless. She said she was confused. That her emotions got the best of her which is why she stopped texting me. She was confused how I could go from breaking up with her to loving her immensely. She feels I only came back because I didn’t get what I wanted from her friend and that. She continued saying if I truly wanted to marry her that the incident at the cabin wouldn’t have happened. That she was surprised by my effort because I never brought her flowers or coffee when we did date. Ended it on the note of the fact that she loved me through my darkest times, put me on a pedastal and at the time I didn’t her. That “how can she just be okay with everything just for the unhappiness and content part comes back.” I tried to fight for her that night but ultimately saw her the next morning to say our goodbyes. When I asked if the man she was with brought her happiness she replied “idk, I just recently started dating him.” She continued to say that I placed her second and always will. Four months wasn’t enough time to get over it and that she is still hurt and trying to move on. She said “who knows what tomorrow might bring but right now is not the right moment.” That she will always care about me. I have not spoken to her since.

I have been doing NC since New Years and really been reflecting on what happened. Trying to figure out the flaws and work on them. I have been doing a lot better lately, although, I still need more NC so I will continue. I am hoping for some advice on whether it’s even worth a shot or not. I have made some positive change in my life. I reflected hard on what went wrong and why. Been doing research and reading the E-Book + AHW. I have begun to accept that she has moved on and accepted it. Let me know what everyone’s opinion on this matter, I could really use it.

I would also like to add that while our lips did touch it wasn’t necessarily full contact. Up until recently I didn’t really know how to control drinking on weekends. Like, if I was drinking, there was a good chance I would get trashed. I always kept it too the weekends though or holidays. I never grew and addiction. I have realized this and have made steps to just control it and I haven’t been drunks for a month which I feel great about.

I also have slowly been realizing what truly brought on the kiss. As I mentioned above, I started thinking about marriage with this one. Not in any negative, needy way but truly asking people what they did and some advice on deciding if this is the one. As the days went on, I started obsessing with the question of, what if. What if you marry this one and down the road you, regret it. What if the close friend, who I had a crush on before meeting my ex, was actually the one for me. This is ultimately why I did what I did which is still not an excuse.

I am working towards a better tomorrow, whether it be for this one or another lady. I would like to show this one the changed me. The “all the best qualities and then some” me but I also want to respect her decision and that if this situation is unfixable, I’d rather leave it where it lays and if we ever bump into each other again, which we will because we still have a phone plan, that I am a hell of a better man than what I was. This woman was once head over heals for me and I do think down the road if the conditions are right, she an I have a solid chance but I’m not sure if right now would be a good moment or that she still needs her space.

Any help on how to contact her again would be great. Probably the Elephant in the Room e-mail will be suffficent. Maybe it won’t. Hopefully someone on her can help.

Thanks!

I think you have a drinking problem. My sister started out by drinking and getting drunk only on weekends, then more frequently. In the end, she lost her job and her husband due to drinking.

Seems both of you are confused as to what and who you want.

" I will say that the times we argued it wasn’t a big thing, it was more her telling me what was bothering her in the relationship. I do want to point out that I could have listened better and put more effort into working towards a resolution."

What was bothering her and why didn’t you work on improving those things?

The love has faded for both of you and now she’s dating someone else who might treat her better than you did. Right now she doesn’t trust you, so the elephant in the room letter will fall on deaf ears. Continue no contact indefinitely.

I appreciate your insight in my situation. As of right now, the no contact rule is in full swing but eventually I need to contact her since we both are still on a phone plan together. That will have to come to an end when the price becomes right.

Well the first argument we had was because we were at a party for New Year’s Eve and there was a running joke for calling me “bitch” in the beginning I tolerated it but eventually I was fed up. She didn’t start it, my friends did. She just jump in on it and I got frustrated and asked her to stop. She was upset I said that to her and for about 30 minutes we talked about it and how she was only joking. That I over reacted. After that we were fine. I don’t hold frustration very long with people including loved ones.

Second argument was about how I asked her to pull money out for St. Patty’s Day. I was sort of broke that time and while I should have saved money for the weekend I didn’t and it happened to be her birthday weekend. Bad move on my part and I ended up paying anyways realizing how stupid I was but she was still pissed. It was resolved when I explained the money situation and she came to understand it. At least she lost the frustration with me.

Third argument happened when she was drunk. We had come back from hanging with friends and ended up having sex. Shortly after that, she hopped in the shower and started to cry. I was confused. I asked what was wrong and she resisted to talk about it, saying it wouldn’t matter anyways. She eventually opened up but in a mean way. Earlier in the night she wanted to show me houses she was looking at. We were planning on purchasing a house this coming fall. This happened back in June. At the time, I wasn’t interested in looking. In my mind, why look when the house will be gone by the time we do start looking. She saw it that I wasn’t interested in the idea of house hunting with her. She continued to say during the argument that she felt that she was walking on egg shells living with me. She felt I was always try to hide the fact she lived with me. (While I told her that she could decorate the apartment to what she wanted, I only had one or two things I was against like curtains or covering the apartment with photos of us on all the walls like some couples do). That she worked herself up the last three weeks to show me the houses and it broke her heart that I wasn’t interested in talking about it. It got was a point that I realized that she was not in a mind set to discuss it in a calm matter and anything I said she turned it against me. I walked out and started to sleep on the couch. Couldn’t sleep so I decided to hop into bed. This is the only argument we had that we went to bed not resolving anything. The following morning she woke up and apologized. Claimed that the alcohol made her over react and that she didn’t mean to come off as mean. We never discussed it again so I figured she over reacted on entirely and that since we were fine that it was nothing to really worry about.

As for the alcohol. Your absolutely right. While I never have any alcohol during the work week. Weekends became a problem and I can safely say I haven’t been drunk in over a month. The emotions created it to be a problem.

I guess my question to you is that, over time, depending on this relationship and what’s to come in the future. Do you feel that the trust could be built over time. I am working on myself thoroughly and even purchased the program. I will not make the same mistake twice. Regardless of who I am with, I will work on this issue over time by reading more on relationships and how to be a better person.

1st-New Year’s Eve=drinking. 2nd-St Patrick’s=big drinking holiday. 3rd-she was drunk and probably you were too… I suggest Alcoholics Anonymous. Emotions don’t cause drinking problems and I’m sure you drank too much when you were living with her.

Calling someone is disrespectful! What kind of crude people do you consider friends? Maybe you should find better friends.

How old are both of you? Resolve the phone issue ASAP so you won’t have that hanging over your head. Looking for houses could have just been to see what style and type of features you each like, but that could have been done online.

You two don’t seem to know how to interact with each other properly with kindness and respect. Trust takes time to rebuild and I don’t know how you can prove to her you’ve changed for the better while she’s with another guy. Since the relationship has failed, you might as well date other women when you’re ready.

I’m glad you’re doing some introspection and trying to change your thoughts and behaviors as it will help your next relationship to be more calm and normal, whether it’s with your ex or someone else.

Good luck…

Correction: Calling someone bitch is disrespectful! What kind of crude people do you consider friends? Maybe you should find better friends.

I will keep your advice in mind. As for the drinking, I did drink a little bit through out the relationship but only had a few when she worked. She worked nights every other weekend. I understand why you think this though. As for the holidays, believe it or not. The all three times I was not drunk. I had one or two drinks but for the most part stayed sober. I can assure you, I have no intentions on continuing the drinking.

As for the disrespectful wording. My friends are probably some of the best people around. They have been with me since middle/high school. It’s just something we all do with each other in a fun matter but every once in a while it gets out of hand.

We’re around 27 years old. And unfortunately, I don’t really have the cash for the phone plan. I am going to start looking for someone when I become in a better place.

As for the houses, looking back I should have been more open. I resisted something so small. Again, something I am reflecting on and will act differently in the future. I didn’t realize how big of a deal it was to her.

Thank you for your time