Kind of a unique situation.. all help appreciated

Breakup Help no-contact-rule
1

Hi All,

This is my first post, but I have read this site previously in other relationships.

Basically what has happened is my girlfriend of 5 years went away for a holiday for a few months. In this beginning everything was great and we had all these plans for the future. Half way through the holiday I began getting quite insecure and started questioning and being needy. I will not pretend I was acting rationally, because I was definitely not.

Anyway, we end up breaking up and I decided to stay calm about the situation.

A few days pass, and I have decided to really work on myself for my own sake and just get out and do things. During this time I had decided to do NC.

My now-ex messaged me a few days after the breakup and I replied stating we could talk another time, once she arrived back home after her holiday, but not at the moment.

Again a few days pass and everything in going well, until I get a call from her who is in a real bad sounding way, emotional, crying, angry, laughing, angry, happy, sad, and basically telling me she needs me in her life and cant live without me and so on. When I say messy state, I am referring to her state of mind and how she sounded, not in a drunk way or anything.

Anyway I know I shouldnt have, but I ended up telling her “look we can maybe work on things when you are back” and comforting her for the most part, as I hve never heard her that way and got pretty worried.

A couple more days pass and she texts me saying all this stuff about how she still wants to be able to come over, and we do things together as friends, and she needs me in her life.

This is where I am at now.

I have decided as of today that a firm NC will be in place, as this gives me roughly 30days until she is back, and there wouldnt even be a possibility of seeing her prior to that.

The last thing I told her was that i need some time to focus on myself and that maybe we can speak when she was back.

My question to all of you is, do you think she means just being friends? Or does she not know what she means at this point in time?

Have i messed up by being there for a week after the breakup and comforting her?

Is this too late for NC to work, as I DO intend on trying to work this out, at least at this point, but obviously that may change within the next month.

If she does try to contact me again, which I expect more-so now that I will be starting a proper NC, do I flat out ignore her messages? Or do I continue to reply with something along the lines of “Hi, I hope you are well, I dont think I am ready to talk to you at this time, maybe once you are back.”?

I am not sure how to handle the situation from here on out. I know that if we see each other, it will likely bring back feelings for both of us, as we have always had a pretty strong relationship, but during this time apart I was overanalyzing everything, and it messed with my mind quite a bit.

Any and all advice is much appreciated, and I cannot thank you all enough for taking time out of your lives to read my problem, and try to assist me in getting the woman i thought would be the mother of my children back into my arms.

Thank you!

2

Anybody able to give me some insight on this? Update as of now: Still havnt spoken, but ex has liked some fb posts of mine.

3

@needyouradvice - You left out some important details; Did she break up with you or did you break up with her? How long ago? Why did you become insecure when she went on holiday? I know you told her you would talk when she gets back from holiday, but the last time you were in touch, did you make it clear that you didn’t want any contact for 30 days? I’m glad you comforted her when she was in an emotional state because it was the decent thing to do. If she contacts you again, and she hasn’t been told about the 30 day no contact so you can work on yourself, reply with a very short note like what you wrote above. Hard to say what she meant by being friends without more detail, but it’s obvious she wants you in her life.

4

Sorry, my mistake. She broke it off. about 3 weeks ago. I said I needed space and maybe we will speak again when she is back and left it at that. Insecurities stemmed from me overanalyzing every picture and stuff I saw. Not going to pretend I should have been thinking that way, but I do understand that was a big mistake on my part.

5

@needyouradvice - It sounds like a trust issue with her on your part, even after being together 5 years. If you exhibited lack of trust only recently, you two might be able to work through it. But maybe it also depends on whether or not there were other issues and whether or not the past 5 years has been mostly happy. When is she returning from her holiday?

6

Sorry about the late response. The trust issues arose due to some mutual friends telling me some things that made me overthink the situation. We were in a very good place prior to this holiday, and the only thing that was negative about the situation was my insecurity for that brief moment.

I broke no contact a couple days ago, which was dumb I know, but I had just sent a lighthearted message, only to be bombarded with the same emotional rollercoaster from a month ago. According to everyone we both know, she has dived into a downward spiral and I cannot tell if the negative things that were said are true feelings or out of anger and sadness. My next course of action is to just continue no contact properly and let her come to me when she is back if she decides to, and see where I am at with myself by then.

I know I made the mistake of breaking no contact after 3 weeks, but it seems like during those 3 weeks she has not healed or anything whatsoever, and it just as bad as the 2nd day emotionally.

I guess I need to know, is this repairable? Because the person I have spoken to sounds like a convoluted mess instead of the person I knew before she left.

7

@needyouradvice - You should never pay attention to gossip or take it seriously. What was your trust issue?? It sounds like she will be back in about 30 days, so start no contact again and stick to it!

I’m assuming she’s on holiday with friends or family, so don’t worry about her emotions because she needs to deal with them on her own. Remember, she is the one who broke up with you.

It might be repairable if most of the 5 years were happy for both of you, and if you stop mistrusting her, and if she wants to talk about repairing the situation to resolve the issues.

8

The past has had its ups and downs as i assume most relationships do. But its always been a very rewarding relationship and we truly know each other inside out. This breakup however has her acting more than just emotional. She says she needs me in her life then says i ruined her. Then she loves me and doesnt want to lose me but tells me how she doesnt know who she is and im holding her back.

Our mutual friends in contact with her have said she really doesnt sound stable at all and is constantly having mood swings and crying and some are seriously worried about her having a paychotic break. During all of this the only reasons i can assume caused this breakup was my insecurity at that time paired with the fact I am not on the holiday with her, which we both agreed would be the case as it was not a possibility.

I am not sure where to go from here. I will not be contacting her and I will hopefully get a chance to speak to her when she is back but I am also worried about her state of mind. I cannot tell if anything she thinks or says has any weight behind it or if its due to this state of mind she is currently in. I know i need to worry about myself first but since the breakup i have become a better version of myself and assumed she was doing the same. But unfortunately i am in a good place and she is not, which makes it hard for me, since she is a huge part of my life.

I guess i am asking for any advice or insight into this. If anyone has experienced something similar or if this is something that is common or just anything.

9

And i forgot to answer your question. The trust issue arose from pictures i saw with other people and then some people on thay holiday saying she had been off spending time with someone she had just met. She assured me there was no intentions and its all purely talking about life and the holiday. I wouldnt hve looked into it too much but she had some arguments with friends who also thought it was giving off a bad impression. She doesnt see my point of view but when i got notified by her and her friends about the situation it made me wonder and overthink everything. I am not a jealous person and i had full trust in her but after a couple calls day after day hearing about this it started to get to me and she took it as im trying to control her by saying its making me uncomfortable.

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@needyouradvice - Good relationships are mostly up with only occasional downs. I’m assuming her parents are not on the holiday with her, but her friends are… Try not to get too upset by what they tell you although your ex does sound confused and unstable. Hopefully you two can talk when she gets back and work through all the problems. I don’t know what else to say, but maybe someone else can give you advice or support. Wishing you the best whatever happens…