Hello, I’ve already read all the content of this site and also EBP Advanced. However, I would like to hear/read some feedback on my personal story, because I doubt I think straight at the moment. It may look as I am trying to make me look good, and my ex bad, but unfortunately this text is very close to being objective. Even she agrees, that she is a bad person.
I’ve met my ex-girlfriend (she was 18, and I was 25) when she was with my friend (then, 25 years old). She was from a poor family with a bad background, abused and with schizophrenia and other mental issues. On the other hand, she is a very, very attractive girl, with perfect body. He got to know her online and after second date had sex with her and she planned her future with him (naming children’s, etc). After she started sort of cheating him (with me, but with my friend knowing and accepting beforehand), I tried my luck. I talked her to become my girlfriend after a month and immediately started to have sex with me and plan the future (choosing names of our children’s, etc.). Because she was still in school, we were meeting each other once a month. I did my best to help her with her mental challenges, she become stronger and more loved then ever. A lot happened and she became more “adult”. She moved in and lived with me for a year and a half. However each month she was becoming more and more passive. She started to argue about everything, sex disappeared, she started to lie down in a bed all day long. I did almost all the housework, despite her telling me to let her help. Well. Even if I did, she was unable to get things done, so I had to do it anyway. I adored her, and did almost everything she wanted. She was very thin, so whenever she liked I walked to the restaurant for her favorite food or prepared something for her. Despite her telling me not to do. I was not listening, because without me all she ate was instant food 500kcal/day.
And suddenly she started meeting with my second best friend (25 years old) behind my back, they became passionate lovers (something long forgotten for me). After a week, they had their future children named, and after two weeks she told me that we need to brake up. It was a total shock to me. Before, she was telling me how much she loves me every single day, and how fortunate she is to have me. She told me: I don’t want a relationship in which you value your me above you. I will always value me first. That she was giving me second chances all year long (she never told me that, and never told that she is unhappy in the relationship ever, on the contrary - often she told how great her live is now that she feels loved and secure). And then listed all the things I did wrong (most of which would make a normal person laugh, but the more valid reasons were: not listening to her properly (most of the time I did, but apparently not enough), not liking to hang out with her family, being a jerk to the people and partially not wanting to go out (I wanted to go out with her but always told her that Im doing it for her, not for myself)). Of course I replied how I can change and how I already had. So she told me to give her time and in the meantime she will move out to my friend. After that, she discussed with her family and friends what will be better for her. A guy that is good now, but you never know how he will behave in future OR a guy that loves unconditionally and will do everything for her. She told them that she would prefer to have both of us, or just try the new guy and if the relationship would fail, get back to me. If I were stupid enough. Her mother advised her to have fun with her new boyfriend for a week without telling me anything, so even if she chooses me, she will have plenty new fun memories. She agreed. Of course, she told him that she made her decision, but she was not in a right mood to dump me and that they will have more time to prepare a car for her things to be moved (most of which I bought her). Unfortunately for her plans (and me), I realized that she is cheating on me and packed her in a brief moment of anger. So when she came to my place for birth control pills that she forgot to take with her, I told her everything. And then, that I am willing to forgive her. Telling that she is a bad person and begging her at the same time. Before leaving she kissed me with passion like never before. And indirectly dumped me via sms the very same evening. She told her friends that I my mad behavior made her decision easier and she is free now.
Next week, she wrote sms that when she was with me, she stopped loving me as a lover a long time ago but she still wants to be my friend as she loves me as a friend. That she still feels bad about breakup, but she is happy with her decision since she is super motivated now and feels greater every day. She never properly apologized for what she did, and happily took all the things I bought her (a lot of things, she was poor before and I wanted my loved one to live the life she deserves). For three weeks I was telling her how I still love her, and how bad I feel, and she pitted me. How I want her back if she ever breaks up with her boyfriend. (because of that, she told her friend that I have no self-preservation instinct). After a month she started posting her images with a new boyfriend kissing him. She has never posted her own pictures before, so it was terrible for my sanity. Not going into NC was a really big mistake.
Talking about the real reasons of the breakup, I’m almost sure that she just got bored after I made her life better and became 100% beta. I have already listed my shortcomings, like losing the drive, setting on a life I have, not socializing, putting her on the pedestal, etc., and I am sure that I can be better than ever and better than her boyfriend (he had been a really close friend of me for 6 years). I am introverted Phd, with limited number of friends, stable income. Well, I planned to buy a house for me and her in a half year for cash, so finances were not a problem despite what she said one time. I did my research, read some psychological papers and books, talked with therapist and am working hard on my social skills and all the shortcomings that I recognized. The only thing that is slowing me down significantly is extremely poor mental condition. I’m still hurting after breakup with all the symptoms of a severe episode of depression. Despite the lack of motivation to do anything and having fun, using pure willpower I’m working on self-improvement for the sake of my goal. He, on the other hand, is a very social guy who was unable to finish college (hard work was not for him) and works in corporation for poor money, still lives with his rich father paying him rent fee (and now also with my ex). I was helping him to get his live straight for 6 years, lending him money, helping him with finding work, teaching programming and math, even letting him live in my place for free for almost a year, etc What is interesting, he had issues getting into relationships, and all his previous ones were with cheating girls, girls doing drugs or with mental problems. He hates his mother, lost contact with his brother and a huge part of the family due to him doing bad things to them. No “regular” girl was interested in him due to his personality and background. For years he was trying to find literally anyone. However, he likes to go out and socialize, talk about feelings (he is not emotionally stable), and is NOT ok with doing everything for his loved one - he values himself first. She told me that she needs someone like that, so she can start being more social and responsible herself. That she needs a family-guy like him, because he is OK with spending a lot of time with her family and he takes her to his. Well I was different in this aspect, I agree, but I had my reasons and it’s a whole different story. The family of my ex is… questionable.
And now I’m here, single for 1.5 month. I still love my bad girl and want her back. Knowing that it is probably not a good idea. A very bad idea in fact. Well, I still may be stupid. How should I proceed? I have daily sms contact with her, she may pity me or treat me as an option just in case. The smses are not fun, since I don’t feel OK contacting her. After all, I still love her, and seeing that she behaves 100x better for her new guy, at the same time I remember how wrong she treated me. She does all the housework now, sleeps from 1 to 8, preppers healthy meals, goes out and generally does everything I was unable to talk her to do last year (and as result I had to do almost everything myself). She kisses him all the time, while she kissed me maybe once every 2 days? It hurts. Especially last half year she was eager to nag about anything. Like really, even things that I should be mad at - it was always she who was arguing. I feel like simply talking to her is something below me. I never did anything wrong to her on purpose, never argued about anything. Never lied to her. Never argued, I am that weird. For her, I practically disabled my sex-drive for months despite being very, VERY hot tempered (I would prefer having sex 3-4 times a day). Funny thing, this post really looks like I am trying to convince myself that I should let her go. Anyways, I want her back.
Please help. Or advise. Or anything.