Is my situation hopeless?

reconciliation
1

Hello

Almost three weeks ago, me and my fiancé (together for almost five years) broke up after a big fight. We would fight occasionally, and when we did, the fights would often get serious. I also had a bad habit of going on Tinder to get an ego boost after these fights (I know this is cheating, and it was stupid). I had the Tinder profile since mid July after another fight that almost ended the relationship, and while I didn’t use it much, I still met up with a girl in late July. I didn’t progress beyond talking with this girl, and I never saw her again afterwards.

My girlfriend also found out about this. I had been using the app occasionally and I never intended to replace her, but after every fight, my trust in her would take 3-4 (maybe 5) days to recover. Tinder was something I did to get an ego boost (I’d be lying if I said I got nothing out of it).

After the breakup, I wasn’t on my best behaviour and would try to remind my fiancé of good memories and beg to get her back. I know now that this isn’t what I should have done. I tried cutting of contact for a few days after the breakup and follow Dan Bacon’s advice (in hindsight, it doesn’t seem like good advice). My girlfriend suggested being friends, and I reluctantly agreed. I told her numerous times that I am sorry for this and would do anything to take it back the first two days after the breakup.

We met up after a few days. She was giving me the hot/cold treatment on text messages, but she seemed both flirty and friendly when we met up. We had a good time together, and we held around each other before we parted ways. I tried casually mentioning some memories over text the week after, which made her furious. These were good memories, but it seems like good memories upset her more than bad.

We met up again the next weekend. After dinner together, I casually mentioned (in a much less pushy way) that I was hoping to patch things up, without forcing anything. She again became furious and left. We have spoken briefly over text after that.

The thing is, she mentions the previous fights a lot. The fights were few, but very intense. When we were not fighting, we were a good match (something she does not deny), and she has also admitted that she still has feelings. None of us were abusive towards each other, and usually we were honest with each other.

Although our relationship may sound disastrous from this text, it generally wasn’t. When we were not fighting, things were really great; we would travel the world, go hiking together, go skiing, we had mutual friends and the sex was amazing. We would always hold around each other in our sleep, and always send each other plenty of pictures and text messages when we were on business trips or otherwise unable to see each other in real life. The problem stems from the fact that she was hotheaded, and the fact that I would get defensive and bark back when she lost her temper over something trivial.

I am implementing no contact now and hoping that she will see things differently in a couple of weeks. If she contacts me, I will tell her I need some personal space to think and do some soul searching. Is this the right decision? I will use the time to work on the insecurity issues that drove me to cheat in the meantime.

Are things hopeless? My fiancé had previously had an affair during a period when I was working overtime a lot, but I forgave her and things became really great again, especially after the trust was mostly rebuilt around three months after. This is how I know how she felt after the breakup. This is also how I know that forgiving her was worth it.

Does anyone have any tips for how to approach the situation after no contact?

2

I would not call this hopeless, I think you are just chasing a bit hard here. What you did with the tinder thing was wrong and I am glad you are owning that, that is a huge step you should be proud of. Looking at your faults is your strongest chance to fix this. I can’t force change in others but you can work on being your best self. If your ex see’s that you are strong, confident and don’t need to rely on tinder for self esteem , she will definitely be attracted to that. I’m sure when you met she was attracted to you for certain reasons, probably confidence being one of them so you need to show her that side again. You broke her trust a lot and you need to look at this through her lens. Your attempt at a bit of confidence seemed small but to her was likely hugely hurtful and made her feel incredibly less than. When you suggest fixing things she sees that person that hurt her, not the great person you truly are. You need to work on that trust by showing you are willing to change and that you are actively taking steps to do so.

Look back at what caused your trust issues with her and what pushed you to cheat. You felt not accepted by her, not cared about - why? Were these issues of self or the way she treats you? Is she changing, willing to change? You need to fix what you can on your side and realize your value. When she sees you changing and being a better person than you ever were, if she really wants you she will change alongside you to keep up and catch you. Keep your head up and keep working hard on what you can control, you can’t control her emotions or her willingness to change directly. You can just give her a better reason to do these things but changing yourself for the better.

3

@Hayt No, I don’t think this is a hopeless situation, but much more time has to elapse before your ex can allow the very bad memory of your emotional cheating to fade. Emotional cheating is almost worse than physical cheating in that it’s more difficult to understand why a fiance would turn to another woman for attention! And seeking an ego boost is ridiculous when you’re in a serious relationship with someone who is supposed to be your lover, friend, and confidant…

Arguments aren’t good and even worse if there’s yelling, name calling etc… Hurtful words can’t be taken back and most often will stay in the mind and will take time to forgive them or any hurtful actions. So in the future, never yell or speak in anger no matter what she says! Differences of opinion or any other matter should be discussed calmly and objectively.

After only 3 weeks, reminders of good memories won’t resolve the issues! And I can understand her getting upset when you speak of happier times and yet chose to meet up with another woman.

You wrote:“but after every fight, my trust in her would take 3-4 (maybe 5) days to recover.” Trust? What do you mean by trust? Don’t you mean it would take days to recover from your anger?

The fact she said she still has feelings for you is a good sign, but she’s still hurt by what you did. I suggest you delete your Tinder account and think about how to reconcile with your ex. Five years of mostly good interactions, fun times together, and a pending marriage are not things a person easily forgets or dismisses.

No contact is a good idea, but don’t get your hopes up that things will change for the better in only 2 weeks. And if she contact you, yes, tell her you need time to process the breakup (she does too).

At some point, you need to sit down together and discuss what you will each do differently and better to enable a happier relationship going forward.

Good luck:)

4

Thanks for your reply. :slight_smile: Yelling and shouting was mostly something she did when she got angry, I would sometimes yell back and cause it to escalate, though. The reason why my trust would take a nosedive after every fight was that she would say things she knew was hurtful, with the intent of putting me down during fights. I have been reading up on conflict solving these past few weeks, so that I will not fight fire with fire in the future.

5

@hayt Conflict resolution is something you can discuss with each other when or if you both decide to try a possible reconciliation.

How you interact with each other is extremely important! Kindness and respect is one of the keys to a successful happy relationship.

6

One point to consider and I speak from experience. Guys forgive a partner cheating much much more easily than a woman ever forgives a guy cheating.