My ex girlfriend and I were together for a year and a half, long distance. We had been best friends before we got together, and though she was dating someone else, I helped her realize how abusive he was, and she gave me a chance. Over the course of relationship, I had a harder time dealing with the distance than she did. I thought that I needed constant bursts of attention and affection to be happy, and obviously, she couldn’t meet the demands, being a busy person herself. I had visited her in person for three weeks and things were the best they had been the entire relationship, and she transferred to her new university the week after. We both knew that things would have to change when she moved, as she was focusing on her career and getting her degree, she couldn’t spend as much time with me anymore, and I was okay with that. Needless to say, I needed attention again, and this time, she said it would be best for us to break up. I fell for all the traps and got on my knees over the phone, pleading and crying for her to give me a chance to atone for my mistakes. She said she would think about it, but ultimately decided to go through with it the next day. She said that she didn’t believe she could make me happy, and that we “didn’t work anymore”. She said that I needed to approach a relationship from a more mature level and grow up a bit. Despite all this, she was crying when she broke the news, and kept telling me that she loves me, but she wants to move on; that I’ll find someone better. Yet, she said that she wants us to remain in each others lives and that she’ll always care about me. She told me I should probably give her a week or so alone before I even thought about talking to her again. That said, a few days later, on Friday, I sent her a long letter telling her that I didn’t regret anything in the relationship, that I didn’t want her to feel remorseful or guilty for her decision, and that I wanted to remain in her life. She replied with this:
“I appreciate you respecting my decision, I don’t regret anything either I just want to move on because we were no longer working. I’m always going to care for you and do want you to remain in my life. However I am currently in an incredibly vulnerable place and would like some space for a while. Just maybe give me some alone time for 2 weeks and then after I’ve healed a bit, you can reach out to me and I’d love to work on that friendship. Even if we don’t work as a couple anymore I really do want us to remain in each others lives”
Here’s the thing, though. I ended up seeing a therapist about that attention problem that kept plaguing our relationship, and we came to the conclusion that it wasn’t what I thought. Because of the distance and the inability to consistently be there, I felt l was scared that her life would move too fast for me to keep up, and that she’d pass me by. I never realized this and because of that never felt better when we talked about that other problem, that wasn’t the real problem after all. I talked with a close mutual friend of ours last night, and he said that I didn’t hurt her, but the only problems she wants to deal with are the ones coming from a paper. She wants to help people with her degree and do the best she can as a student, and that there’s “no real chance until this growing period is over, and her schooling isn’t as demanding”, which meant graduation in two years. I love her more than anything in the world. There was a point in time where I maintained two jobs on top of being a student so I could afford plane tickets to see her. I know that she loves me, and that I made her happier than she’d ever been in her life. But at the same time, I can’t help but feel I’m discarding her wishes by wanting to pursue things more, even after it appears to be over. I want nothing more than for her to be happy, but I would love it so much if we could try this one more time. What should I do?