I'm just scared of never seeing him again.

[thesun]

This is my first time posting here and it looked like a good community were maybe someone could help me calm down a little bit.
Me and my boyfriend or now ex, were together for a year and a week before he decided to break up with me. It was after having this big fight because i was very frustrated that he wasn’t understanding why i was hurt. It went on for a couple days, this situation. As he dropped me off he told me it’s best if we weren’t together basically and i couldn’t handle it. I broke down right there and cried and begged for him. After an hour, i begged one last time and he said fine and since monday when he broke up till Friday. I tried my hardest and showed him i’m still here and i care and i love him.

Then Friday he told me we need to talk and just did it again and said it’s over. It sucked and still sucks. That was on May 6th. He said he still cares and loves me and will always be there and that i am his best friend and all this stuff but how could he say that if he’s breaking up with me. Well no matter what people said i still wanted to talk to him, it was so hard not to after a year of talking to him everyday. I know i basically pushed him more, i tried to keep it friendly but he didn’t respond much. I ended up doing a lot to keep me occupied but all i could think about was him and how i’d like to tell him what i was doing. I did here and there through that week after the 6th. Then i told him that i miss him, and if he misses me or if he still wants me and all this stuff. and he said, why are you doing this? I couldn’t answer he knows.

Nothing for a couple hours and then later at night he sent me a link to a song saying this is how i feel. If you would like to take a listen it’s here, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_IGbw-g7UGQ. All i could think was wtf man, like why. I ended up telling him like i still wanna try and will do anything cause i don’t want to drop this whole year or him. I wanna work through this. He said he just lost feelings and it wouldn’t be right to kiss and hug and waste my time. We ended up arguing a little and he was saying why can’t you understand and it was cause i was still in disbelief and i can’t understand how you could still care and love me but want to break up with me. Like it doesn’t make sense to me and he told me forget it then and that i’ll never understand so stop trying. And it hurts and i told him he broke my heart and he mentioned how i broke his heart too becasue before our 6 months i broke up with him out of frustration but i instantly got with him that very next second because i knew i didnt want to be without him, i was just mad. I think he must have held that forever and the fighting that’s come in the last months just made things worse.

I found this site yesterday and decided to do the no contact thing, i’ve started since monday so today is just 4 days and many people have said eventually he’ll miss you but i don’t think he’ll come back. It just looks like hes happy and he’s ok and he doesn’t care about me even thought he says he does.
I just don’t want to lose this guy who was my closest friend, my best friend. I am scared after 30 days he won’t say anything to me or i might say the wrong thing to him, or he’ll just want to stay friends and i couldn’t do that to myself.
I want him back and i feel like i’ve gotten better but only cause i’ve been distracted for these four days that i haven’t stopped to think about my emotions. But now it’s all coming out again and idk what to do. I just don’t want him to forget me, i want him to come back.
I’m trying to focus on me but i miss him a lot! I just really need some reassurance or something from you guys.

Thank you and sorry for all that was written, i just dont know what to do. 30 days seems short but so long.

[laurah]

Sorry to hear you are hurting so much. You are not alone in this, most of us on this board have the same problem: letting it go and dealing with breakup pain. But you need to find strength to do that.

This may sound a little harsh but you cannot force someone to love you. In fact, the more you try (pleading, begging, endless talking about it, etc), the further away you will be pushing your ex. Right now, by your post, you come across as a desperate and clingy person who would just do anything to get her ex back. It’s normal, we all have been through this. But you fail to understand that these actions will only harm you more. No man wants to be around a woman who has lost her self-esteem, independence and she is no fun anymore. And your ex is no exception.

So the first thing you need to do is cut ALL contact with this man - no social media stalking, no phone/text, no emails, nothing. The first couple of weeks will be hell, I can tell you that. But if you find strength to stick to it, life will get better and you will start feeling lighter.

NC does not necessarily mean 30 days; it works differently for different people. I know people who did that for 5 years! NC is no magic trick to get your ex back, it’s something meant to help you rebuild yourself - your damaged confidence, independence, inner peace, all things you lost during the breakup process. Take this time out to reflect on the following and try to be as objective as possible:

• why did the breakup happen in the first place? what did I do wrong and how I can work on this so that I do not make the same mistakes in any future relationships?

• I want this man in my life so bad, but I should ask myself first if he still loves me with the same intensity as I do him. Do I want to be with someone who has no strong feelings for me? Do I want an unbalanced relationship that will only hurt me more?

• If he feels fine after the breakup, this could be a sign that he mentally checked out from this relationship a longer time ago and he might have waited for the right time to make the move. That’s a possible explanation but certainly, not the only one.

You seem to have anger issues yourself (judging by your post) and I suggest you seek help address that. Relationships have both good and bad times and if you just break up with someone out of “frustration”, this shows that you have no other means of dealing with your own problems other than taking it out on the other person. Which is not good.

Finally, I sense you are very worried that by doing NC, your ex will not want to contact you any more or hear from you. If that’s the case, I can assure you that he is NOT the person you should consider a relationship with in the future and you’d better move on. I am sure that once you have taken time out to work on yourself, you will see things more clearly and will know what to do next.