The Break-Up
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I’m an 18 year old guy, and my ex-boyfriend is 20. He broke up with me on July 10th, about a week before my birthday. Prior to the breakup, we had the worst fight of our relationship, but we were able to make amends and understand one another. (It was essentially just miscommunication and a lack of grasping each other’s perspectives). Although it had been resolved, I neglected to consider that the wounds from our fight were still raw, and on July 10th, I had been on a trip out of state to see my best friend.
We got really high, and my bsf had brought up that I had promised to teach her how to french kiss when we first met each other a year ago. She insisted that I ask my bf to make sure he was okay with it. (I used to be poly before my ex, and my previous partners were okay with romantic/sexual relations with other people as long as I informed them of it/asked permission, so me & my bsf thought nothing of it at the time.) So, I send him a voice message asking if he’s comfortable with it, and my bsf chimes in to explain her reasoning behind it. Neither of us take it too seriously, though my ex-bf did not feel the same. He says he’s not comfortable with it, I respect that and tell my bsf. I have a moment of clarity, and I apologize to my ex-bf. I’m waiting for his response so we can discuss it further, and several hours later, he texts me saying that this is something he “just can’t move on from”. I text and call him desperately, trying to apologize, trying to explain, and then I receive the break-up text. “I think it would be best if we stop seeing each other.” And then, it’s over.
Post Break-Up
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Before I could even process it, I’m blocked. On everything. I’m completely and utterly shattered, you can imagine. The next couple of weeks were not pretty. I’m a mess, and I’m still trying to contact my ex despite everyone I know telling me to either move on or give it time. I eventually do get through to my ex, and we have a 1 hr phone call, though we end on better terms this time, he still sticks by his decision to break-up. He unblocks me on Instagram afterward, and I respect his decision for all about 3 seconds before I think I should contact him.
Fast forward a couple days later, it’s the night of my birthday. I’ve had a wonderful day, and so many happy birthday wishes, except for…the only one I want to receive. I text him and send a voice message explaining my woes and love for him as if he’ll suddenly realize his wrongs and come running back into my arms. (Newsflash: He doesn’t.) He leaves me on seen for an hour, and then, I regretfully send another text, “I was right. I loved you more”. He responds a couple minutes later, “If that were true, we wouldn’t be here. I don’t hate you. I just hope you can get better. Happy Birthday Mal. Goodbye.” Then, I’m blocked again. I’ve never received a happy birthday text that felt so cruel.
I spiral. Of course. And at this point I’m stalking all his socials on the daily. And making temporary phone numbers to contact him, but to my dismay, I keep getting blocked. A couple days later however, it’s 11 pm - 12 am. I get kicked out of my house (long story), and in a panicked state of mind, I call him. He actually picks up. It feels like a god damn miracle. He can’t do much for me since he lives almost two hours away, so I settle for the sound of his voice and reach out to another friend who can help me. He unblocks me on insta and checks in with me, and for a brief moment, it feels like things have returned to some sense of normalcy. (Despite everything.)
So, now it’s the eve of what would’ve been our anniversary (July 26th), and I unfortunately continue to embarrass myself. After I send a voice message complaining about my home situation, I send another one. Though this time it’s about us. To my surprise, he actually responds directly to this voice message and reciprocates. He opens up. I finally get a glimpse into his perspective, and we have a refreshing discussion. But it doesn’t last. He “wishes me nothing but the best” and I’m blocked again. I suppose I’m the fool, aren’t I?
Going No Contact
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I’ve tried again and again and again ever since to get in contact with him, (i.e. emailing him, making more temporary phone numbers, having my friend text him, texting his dad on facebook, and lastly…sending him a letter) but I receive no response. I sent that letter August 10th, and I’ve done nothing since to contact him, but it’s become increasingly difficult.
I think of him, always. Everything reminds me of him, and the pain in my chest only worsens. I want to tell him about all the little aspects of my day. I finally decided on my favorite movie, and I thought, he would love it, but when I went to text him, reality hit me all over again. It’s soul-crushing. Sometimes, I’m okay, but every so often this wave of sadness just hits me, and I can’t do anything but cry for hours at a time. I want to kiss him, to hold him, to hug him. I want to tell him I love him. Our break-up didn’t feel like an ending, it felt like abandonment mid-sentence. The book isn’t over yet, but I’ve already lost my person.
I’m starting to forget his voice. I’m starting to forget what he looks like, even though I dream of him every night, and looking at pictures feels as though they’re failing to perfectly capture his likeness. I’m starting to forget his touch, his warmth, his love. This pain is all I have left of him, so I cling to it as if it’s a lifeline.
It’s just so hard. I’ve accepted that we’ve broken up, I’ve accepted that we both need time to heal, I’ve accepted and accepted and accepted and accepted and I am so tired of just accepting this. I don’t want a life without him. It’s already been 43 days since our break-up, but it still feels like yesterday. I entered a dissociative episode when we first broke-up, I lost almost 15 pounds, and I pushed all my friends away. I am so lonely, and it hurts.
I’ve been in therapy for several years already, but I’ve since started going weekly, I see my psychiatrist every two weeks, and I also got a second therapist who specializes in a different form of therapy to better help me. I start college again soon, too. I’ve invested my time in other things, whether it be relationships, hobbies, etc. When I’m distracted, sometimes things are pretty good, but…the second something goes wrong or I’m alone? I just want my lover back. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I want to break no contact, I want to beg, I want to plead, I want to cling to him at all costs. But I know I can’t. I’m terrified that he’ll never be in my life again. That thought alone dictates my every urge to contact him, but I know I’ll only end up pushing him further away.
I guess I just need reassurance that I can handle no-contact, and that my happiness isn’t contingent on him returning to my life. I can heal, I know that, but…I wanted to heal with him. Our story isn’t over yet, is it?