My ex broke up with me very abruptly after an argument we had the night before, after 6 months of dating. We had just gotten back from our first vacation together 3 days before the breakup and it was absolutely incredible. I have always felt you can tell a lot about a partner once you travel with the, and I don’t think it could’ve gone better. I know most people may assume it wasn’t abrupt and he was harboring some feelings of breaking up with me for awhile and maybe that argument just gave him the push he needed. But I know that isn’t true. His feelings for me didn’t change. It really was just an erratic decision, he even admitted to that when we spoke a week and a half later in person (he was a mess, bawling his eyes out…had pierced his ear to try to “find himself”, was expressing his disappointment in himself and how he needs to work on his communication and on himself in general).
So we met up to chat a week and a half after the breakup and we both cried the entire time. It was honestly very cathartic and soothing for me. I needed to say the things I said and hear the things he said. It also helped to see he was as upset as I was, since I had little contact from him before that meeting. We both concluded that getting back together right then and there wouldn’t be wise. He mentioned that he knows me well and knows I’d never trust that he wouldn’t just end it again if we got right back together. I agreed and said I don’t think we should be together right now (which I think surprised him). After a 2 hour conversation, that was very healing for us both, I asked him what he needed from me moving forward and he suggested we don’t communicate for a few months. He said he thinks we will both be in much better places by then and we both can work on ourselves. I didn’t interpret that as him hinting maybe we will try to be together again…I just accepted it for what it was because I agreed with that. We hugged/cried really hard and said our goodbyes. He texted me the next day on my birthday (yes…this was the night before my birthday…ouch) and we haven’t communicated since. It will be 30 days of no contact in a few days here, and just really torn on how to move forward. I’ve been working on self improvement a lot here. I took up boxing (and love it), I have spent more time with friends, I’ve been journaling and meditating, I’ve been keeping away from social media (more successfully in just the last week), I’ve been staying busy with work and even left a job that was toxic to me. I’m starting to coach kids soccer (something I love) on the side, I’ve been helping friends with their dilemmas and being more available to other people than I was before, I even spent time to note the lessons I’ve learned from this relationship and things I’d want to work on whether I end up with my ex or someone new. My 2nd semester of grad school starts tonight, which is a new career change that is something I’m beyond passionate about. Which is great, because I actually know what I want to do with my life and am really happy with that. I have a lot going for me and realized this past few weeks how happy my life is. I was happy before I met him, and I know I can be happy without him. The problem is, he isn’t happy with himself or his life. But I just truly see him as added happiness to my life, and I know we both did that for each other. He once told me I was the only happiness in his life…and if I walked out the door, there goes his happiness. I know that isn’t great, but it makes it even more confusing as to why he ended things. I do think he depended on me for happiness more than I did for him…but he really added color to my world. I’ve never felt more supported, loved, cared for…and most importantly, HEARD in a relationship before. We shared the same values and dreams for the future regarding family, religion, children, lifestyle, etc. We had the same humor and made each other laugh constantly. We just vibed really well and added a lot to one another’s lives. Everyone around us always commented on how wonderful we were together.
Anyways, my question here is…do I initiate contact after 30 days to start us communicating again? Or do I need to wait longer since we agreed not to communicate “for a few months.” Also, is it saying a lot that I haven’t heard from him? In my gut, he isn’t going to contact me first (at least for a loooong time) because I doubt he’s made some massive transformation in just 30 days to feel he’s worthy of me yet. I doubt he’s stopped drinking, or found a new job, or figured out his communication problems in just 30 days. I just don’t want to lose touch here…not for too long. It was sad watching him say he thinks there is a guy out there who can give me what he can’t. I know he can give me what I deserve…he just doesn’t see himself the way I do. My other concern is that I’m a fixer…and I don’t want to try to fix everything. I always do that and it backfires. My friends and family have seen how hurt I was from this and they really think it speaks volumes that he hasn’t reached out in 30 days to me…they think it should be on him. I’m trying to follow my heart, my gut and my intuition here. And I have concluded that I just don’t feel like i’m done with this relationship yet…I’m not ready to close the door on it. I’m just scared if I put myself back out there after working on healing…I’ll get rejected and hurt worse than before…So do I initiate contact after 30 days? Do I wait longer and respect the “let’s not communicate for a few months” comment? Is waiting longer too long? Looking forward to your thoughts.