if he says he doesn't love you anymore?

reconciliation
1

Hi, (big post, sorry)
I’m lost. I need to know if there is a chance here, because no one thinks that way, and I’m in the “but what if?” phase and would like to get back together.
We were together for 12 years, I think we have a lot in common, we were really in love and very close, but we handle our emotions wrongly and screwed the relationship for good (he thinks that way too). In the end, I became a wreck with nothing to offer (no money, job, life, friends) and I believe he is in a midlife crisis: he started to complain a lot about not being young anymore, and that his life wasn’t what he wanted to be, he hated his job but had no other options, new friends and interests and a desire to be free and wild…

So he began partying all the time without me, started to drift away fast. Asked for space, I left for 2 days, then he said we wanted to give us a chance, but 3 months later he gave me the ice treatment until I decided it was time for me to leave “it’s clear that you don’t love me anymore”. He agreed and I left. I felt really sad, but kept myself busy and positive that it was better that way. The first time we met after that I was very positive and laughing (while he just sat in silent) and I was confident in the future (until all my plans failed and I saw myself completely alone with nothing to do)

This was 1,5 month ago.
But then 3 weeks after I’ve left, he met a girl online (10 years younger, from another country). They went for a week together and he developed a crush on her. They showed it all off on facebook for anyone to see, he was all over her and they still talk (3 weeks now). Then he started to post some pictures of our sort-of-honeymoon trip and I had a strong sense they were planning on traveling together so I freaked out even more! I confronted him, after some denying, half confessions and friends intel I knew they “did it”, the rest is his word against my puzzling.

I sent him an email telling how I felt, how all that bragging on fb was disrespectful, how using our special moments with her was sick - taking away what we had best -, that I believed he met her before and also that he was going on a self destructive journey, that I didn’t and don’t want to be part of. He replied angry, sending a proof that he really just met her after we break up, saying he was alone and believed he’d be alone for a long time, I was imagining things which hurts him.
After that, he hided all his fb posts from me and he’s always offline for me - blocked. (either he agreed that it is disrespectful, or he’s pushing me away, or he and the girl are getting more active…hurts)
I replied, saying I wasn’t crazy, I was moving on with my healthy life (…), but after 12 years of love and sharing, I feel like I deserve more than just a “bye bye get a life.”. he didn’t answer which made me regret sending it (cried like hell).

…2 days later, here’s his reply:
He says he doesn’t have any negativity towards me; he really likes me and cares for me, respects me and values a lot our past and he always will. That I changed the way he is and sees the world and he feels that he has lost his lifetime-partner. That I could see the good and the bad in him, that’s important to him, and he hopes he can be a better person in the future. Couldn’t tell what happened but he lost his love for me and couldn’t deal with it: he wanted to stay with me because he liked me, but couldn’t feel happy or make me happy and that made him drift away and killed the relationship. He too wants to understand what happened so he can be happy again. He really wants me to be part of his life, sincerely wants us to become friends, and wants me to be happy and have all the good things I deserve. But our relationship was violent and self destructive and it will be if we keep it in this same level. The relationship we had is over. We must build another way to be together again but that will take time and right now we’re not ready/capable of doing it. He hopes I see how important I am to him and the affection and friendship he’ll always have for me.

Now…I’m lost. I found the site, the steps, the letter, the NC and I don’t where I am (death’s door for sure). Reply? No? Give up on us? No?

Thank you…

2

I’m sure other seasoned folks here will provide better suggestions (they will all tell you NC, and probably for 2-3 months).
I just wanted to say I feel your pain. After living with my ex for 11yrs and being together 14yrs, it makes it so much tougher. That is such an extraordinary chunk of life devoted to one other individual, that is just tossed aside.
There is no other individual in our case, but the then bf would hint at not being happy, not being happy with is, job, feeling old, etc, so I have been there too.
Spend the NC time improving yourself. It took me some time to get over my crazy reactions after he broke up with me and realize what I need to work on, if not for us, for me and my future relationships. Work out, seek therapy, find a hobby, do whatever makes you happy. Focus on how you were when he fell in love with you. How have you changed since? Recover what and who you used to be, even add to that, if you can. This is my current mantra. Feel free to check out my thread to see what we have gone through.
Such a long time for a relationship. I’m there also, so you have my deepest empathy.

3

I’m with you too…married for 15 years and first serious relationship for two. The key is taking care of yourself and being around positive people who will love you and validate you so you don’t feel bad about yourself. The other persons post is very compassionate. This is time to take care of you.

4

Thank you for your support :slight_smile:
Totally Catafox84: “A big chunk of life tossed aside” just like that: with only a box of recuerdos and not much. It sucks.
Yes Darren60, that’s very important and being busy too. I don’t have it right now, but I’m working on that. I’m trying to move on but at the same time I don’t want to give up on us that easily, you know? If there’s a chance this plan works (55%?) than I want to try it. (he’s having a blast)

  • NC 2, 3 months…or for ever…argh.
  • I don’t know if I should reply to his email or not before NC-ing (saying: I agree). Is this an opportunity to create that “false friendship” and also show him that I’m ok with us moving on? (I do agree with him: we can’t have what we had the way we had it)
  • Is this a good opportunity to send him “The Letter” for instance? Or some variation of it? (“I agree”, and then insert the triggers)
  • He’s saying “Please don’t hate me, I feel guilty for hurting you, but leave me alone, because I need space to get this girl back to your ex-bed”? But he also seems to leave the future open for a reconciliation. Although it can be just sweet talk and/or my wishful thinking distorting the facts.
  • he’s having a blast. He’s still hitting on her and she’s not ignoring it; he’s always partying, going out and he’s doing exactly what he wanted to do.
  • He unblocked some (neutral) posts on fb (they were posted few hours ago, but only showed up now) and opened the chat for a while. Maybe he’s not so comfortable with being that cold or…
  • I’m lost.
5

I can’t even compare my situation to yours. hell I’m only 18 so that “chunk of your life” is more that half of my life. But I know exactly how you feel when you say you’re trying to move on but you don’t want to give up that easily. Because it feels like. If there’s even the slightest chance that you could be happy together again then you would endure this pain for as long as it took. Just so long as you knew it would happen. (I think that’s how you feel atleast!) When you say you agree with him that you can’t have it the way you used to have it, it made me think of a quote I saw the other day that made me feel better…
“Even though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”
So yes maybe you can’t have it back the way it was, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have something new and even better with that same person!
And again, like I said, I’m 18 so I don’t really know how much wisdom I can offer, but based off of everything I’ve read and the advice I’ve seen on different threads, if you hang around and talk to him or keep a “false friendship”, he’ll never really be able to miss you since you’re still there. But if you’re just poof gone. He’ll wonder what happened to you. Furthermore it seems like he still feels terrible for what he’s doing and “keeping you on the back burner”. Perhaps its that he’s been in a relationship for so long that he forgot what it’s like to be single, or what some people (me not counted among them) consider “freedom”. Again this makes me think that, after a while he’ll realize its really not all its cut out to be. ONce it’s out of his system I’m sure he’ll realize how much he missed the feeling of being in a relationship. This makes me think of another quote…
“I don’t care what people say about being in a relationship. Having someone that cares about you 24/7 is the best feeling in the world”

Sorry for the lengthy message! I hope this helps! Stay strong! :smiley:

6

AS, that is such an amazing quote ! I just have no idea how to convince my ex that I’m dead serious about it this time. Like in all our arguments he was like “we can’t keep doing it like this” and then when he broke up with me it was the final argument that broke the camels back as they say. But its like his warnings didn’t do anything, its now that he’s left me that its been a huge kick up the butt to change and do anything for him cause I definitely want a future with him. But I’m scared cause he looks like he’s cutting me out by deleting me off Facebook, and deleting my friends (except for my best friend, which I find odd), and unfollowing me on instagram.

7

I am struggling with a very similar thing. Although the cause of breakup between us is different (I honestly don’t really know why we broke up… I received barely any information) but I know how you feel when you say you just don’t know how to prove it to them. Its how people always say “you never know what you had until its gone” I suppose. Even though you thought you appreciated the relationship so much and thought you knew exactly how much it meant, losing it put those feelings to shame. Its ridiculous, and it makes you even more determined to get them back right? And the only way to show them that (this is all that I can do I suppose… It seems like the best advice I can get) is to make a serious positive change in your life, show them that you’ve changed and that you’ve realized and understood those problems and made the changes (It’s better to act then to say. Really prove it! That’s what I plan to do) but also give it time for him to miss you more and more as he gets this “single” business out of his system. And the only reason he would do that is because he misses you and he’s trying to move temptation from his path! I know how you’re feeling but just try not to overanalyze! (believe me… I know it’s easier said then done… I literally sit at home and overanalyze… regardless of whether or not I know its wrong) but try!!

8

“Even though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”

Best quote…ever.

And I’m in the same exact boat!
Was with my ex for 12yrs. My ex said the same things and did the exact same things… Same quarter life/midlife crisis behavior. Her partying…being irresponsible…hanging out a lot without me. never coming home when expected; becoming more and more distant every day. She hated her job, she hated she didn’t have kids or a marriage yet, etc. then she went to jumping right into bed with a rebound. etc. NC is the way to go. Seriously. You will learn a lot about yourself if you take the initiative…and maybe in the end, you’ll find out that maybe what you think you need now, is not what you want for your future. You’ll feel amazing at the change you’ll begin to go through, and you’ll have so much more confidence and pride just knowing you can stand on your own two feet.

Good luck! :slight_smile:

9

Yeah I really like that quote! I makes me feel better about the whole situation.

And I agree completely. Although this breakup is terrible and is killing me and I wish so much that it hadn’t happened. I think NC will be good for me. As I said I’m 18 (about to turn 19) and I’ve been with my ex basically since we were 15. Although we work well together and are definately compatible I think she felt like she needed to see if she could stand on her own before she could stand with me. (I really hope that she feels that way and its not that she doesn’t feel like we work) But I need to do the same. I have quite a few self esteem issues and other things to work on. If I can work on those during NC and go back to her a stronger, more independant/confident and better ME. THen I think not only would she be incredibly proud of me for doing it, but hopefully she’d be willing to give me another shot.

Who knows, maybe during NC I’ll realize I don’t want to be with her (although at the moment I can’t imagine that, It’s just that everyone keeps saying that so I must be a potential outcome!)

10

AS, you’re right. That’s how I feel. A chance maybe just to have new ending. I hope one day he realizes he misses me. My idea was exactly to rush and help things a little if possible but I’m losing hope minute by minute. (He just unblocked his posts and now there’s one saying he was out with some friends (girls sigh).
I know I shouldn’t check it, I know I freak if he hides and I freak if he doesn’t hide. I need more tips and perspectives on his email and his behavior. Crazy days…

11

Based on his email he definately still has feelings for you he just seems confused. He mentions that you’ll have to build a new way to be together but right now you’re not capable of it. To me that means that he stills has hope of a future for the two of you, however at this exact time he isn’t ready. The door isn’t closed, its just not fully open either. And I understand about the facebook thing I constantly check to see if there’s anything new (my ex and I were never big on social media so she rarely posts anything… but still). I’m sorry I can’t be anymore help than someone who can empathize :confused: I’m going through pretty much the same thing and all I can do is follow NC and try to improve myself :confused:

I wish I could be more help!

12

Thank you so much AS. You’re helping (more than I can help anyone).

The way you read it is the way I read. An open rusty window for a future together.
But being a woman, being hurt and hopeful I can’t trust my own judgment. I never understood guys, it wouldn’t be now.

Are you (or anyone here) trying the “rewinding technique”? Is your NC part of it?

About facebook…that alone should be a forum. We’re hurting ourselves more than helping and we can’t stop it. I try to use it to my favor, posting some ‘bliss triggers’, but I don’t know if he even bothers checking me or if that does anything at all.

13

My issue is that I tend to think alot differently from most guys (for better or for worst) But sometimes other guys really surprise me by their lack of consideration or actions. So in some ways I’m just as confused as you. His actions are very confusing which leads me to believe that he really doesn’t know what he wants. But it’s evident he still has feelings for you.

What’s the rewinding technique?

And yes I agree facebook is making things worse. But I don’t want to delete her because she might take that very poorly… However I have literally no clue whether or not she even checks my facebook. Or if she cares… I have no clue what she’s thinking or how she’s doing and it drives me nuts!

14

Don’t delete her. But be strong. We need to control our emotions.

rewinding comes from the theory “relationship rewind”: https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/suggested-books-for-self-improvement-and-reconciliation-2/
you can search these forums and the amazing web for more info :slight_smile:
It says we can use triggers to send our partner back to the honeymoon phase.

I think his email could be an opportunity to use some of those strategies…