I was her first Male love

To really make sense of it: My ex has always been romantically involved with women, and maybe had a total of 3 male sexual partners, but nothing in the way of a relationship. She’s had a lot of relationships with woman and, turns out that female + female relationships can be just as crappy as hetero relationships.

I was male sexual partner #3. And she fell in love with me (of course, I fell for her too).

So, she broke up with me saying that she felt like she was betraying a part of herself, because she always envisioned she would end up with a wife-- But I was everything she could ever want in a partner; So, she said she needed to have time (and distance) so she could fall out of love with me.

This all happened a week after she started distancing herself.

Okay, so what do I fix here? I can’t, for the life of me, think of a thing. Everything about our relationship was amazing. And obviously, a sex change is out of the question.

Any thoughts on what would be a good way of addressing things to help in showing that a future relationship is possible? Or is this really something that she just needs to have time to work on?

Signed,
WTF Confused (Tenizen)

You can’t change her thoughts or show her a future relationship is possible. She has to resolve the confusion and issues in her own mind. Respect her request for distance and don’t contact her.

If she changes her mind about you, she will be the one to contact you…

Yeah. To be fair to myself, as well, I can’t resolve anything on my end for her confusion without looking self-serving, though I do genuinely want her to resolve the issues she has so she can actually not suffer in the future.

Turns out she is already in a rebound relationship as well. Well, guess its time for me to get to working on myself-- Whatever that looks like.

You will always wonder if she would run off with a man or a woman.

I suggest you date women who are heterosexual.

They would be as likely to hop into a relationship with a man or woman as a female would with a man or a man with a woman. It depends on the person, not on their sexuality. A relationship in itself is fundamentally about trust and communication. I wouldn’t be aiming to be in a relationship with them if I thought I couldn’t trust them on some level.
If being someone with an attraction to other genders than your own is a red flag, that’s a personal issue but not one I have.

The love was real. The running away from it is a defense mechanism since she’s got things to sort out on her end.

I get it. There are no guarantees regarding relationships.

How long were you with her?

It seems her preference is female. How long did it take for her to get into the rebound relationship after she broke up with you?

Are you continuing no contact?

Off and on, two years. She’s always had a preference to females with a sexual attraction to men, but keeps being drawn to me because I am everything she wants in a partner. Only issue is, she’s got some underlying issues with men and as a result only ever wanted to have a wife. She’s is attracted to both men and women, but her issues with men causes her to want to go towards women.

Psychologically speaking, when stressors appear in her life that are pretty big (ie. she is in her final semester of law school, needs a job lined up once done, has to take the bar exam), she will want to gravitate to what is familiar and safe. It is a subconscious thing. Most likely, we won’t be able to really do anything until she finished the bar exam. And even if we do anything, she’s got to address those underlying issues she has. I’m not settling in being someone who can be tossed aside, but I do want her to take care of her mental health and figure things out as well on that front.

She hopped into a relationship a week after we ended with a female who is definitely, definitely a rebound. This person is even scraping the barrel in terms of quality from the women she’s dated before. It is obvious she is trying to find distractions.

No contact is still going strong. I’m in a better mental place and pushing through.

“I do want her to take care of her mental health and figure things out as well on that front.”

Of course you want her to figure things out, but you can’t fix her or even tell her that she needs to sort out her feelings.

Continue no contact… Glad to hear you’re in a better mental place:)

Yeah. I can’t force it on her. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to make sure she can help sift through the confusion.

Well, the only thing I can do is just keep doing what I’m doing and put myself into a better place overall while continuing NC.

Still sucks, though; I can’t resolve the issue of her being so confused.

Good luck…