All,
I want to start my story off by saying I have made terrible mistakes. For most of my life I grew up without friends, I took things for granted, and in turn suffer from related consequences on a regular basis.
About 8 years ago I met this girl who was dating a friend at the time and just told myself if I ever bump into her again while she was single I would ask her out on a date. I honestly fell in love with her the moment I met her, but forced myself to forget about her since she was dating a friend. About 2 years later, we met at a party and she was dating someone who I haven’t talked to in ages who was constantly cheating on her and getting her drunk to take advantage of her. I saw this and knew I had to help her out of there. So we talked, and from there we started dating. She left that guy for me and we moved into together not soon after.
In the beginning it was rough because she had slept with someone else during our dating phase, and it hurt, but I learned to deal with it. However, I never forgave her.
For the next 2 years, we would split up then get back together due to my consistent behavior of getting drunk and bringing up the past. We always lived together and we’ve hit very rough patches where she left and then would come back a few weeks later. Young, dumb, and in love I suppose… However, I was an asshole, a really bad one, and I didn’t deserve her one bit. Eventually we were at the point that we both stopped caring about each other and one day I came home to find the apartment emptied of her things…
Fast forward 6 months. I cleaned up my act, got a job, found a nice house, and actually had a life plan. I was in the military reserve for 3 years at this point and she was reluctant to talk to me, because who I used to be. But I promised her I changed while in reality I didn’t… We got back together and all the while I continued to put my needs above hers. I found out during this time that she had a learning disability and it’s almost as if I used it to my advantage on a regular basis to make her feel less of a person.
We split up again, just as we got a new place and I started a company… about 2 months in, I found out she was dating someone, who called me during a meeting begging me to talk, so I called him back and he said she still loved me and he could sense it. So he helped me. I thought I realized my problems and we got back together for 3 months or so then split again, as we always did, but this time it was me who ended it. I left the company I started with some others, told her we should focus on ourselves, and for almost a year we just kept casually seeing each other. I was seeing other women and she was not seeing other guys. I thought we were being open with each other, but in fact she was still in love.
After the new year last year, we were talking about getting back together, and a week later after we slept together, she told me she found someone new. I was devastated. I never knew what it would mean to lose her. I hurt more than anything knowing someone else was going to have her in his arms. But in a weird turn of events, she ended up at my place, we slept together, and while she was over he called her. He has a sense that she was at my house and asked to talk to me. He said he was cool with it and that we should meet.
So I met this guy. Someone who had slept with my ex, the woman I am in love with, but he was really nice about the situation, tried to give me advice, and after a few weeks of her making up her mind, her and I decided we were going to give this a real shot this time around.
Things were REALLY AMAZING for 4 months. We were super nice to each other, we went out to places she enjoyed, I was actually paying attention to her for the first time, and we were talking about marriage and kids. I was in love all over again like it was the first time and so was she… But then a game came out and it all went downhill… I started playing n MMO on the Xbox every single night. Something I never thought would happen to me did. I became addicted to this game and it ruined me. It turned me into a monster. I would play this game for 9 hours a night sometimes until 8am. Work started failing. I started losing my grip on reality. People tried to tell me, but I was so into my own little world I lost it. I was an asshole. I paid no attention to her whatsoever. I would bark orders and snap at her whenever she would come to me about something. Sometimes I would just be an asshole for absolutely no reason… I stopped going to her parents house (and even mine). I also stopped attending church with her. I was really depressed and kept telling myself this game was my home away from home. I literally convinced myself that I was depressed because of the outside world and even her. But I never blamed the game…
Then last Monday happened. I was playing the game and I realized just how many hours I sunk into it. I looked at the TV and saw the dust. I turned the Xbox immediately, grabbed a roll of paper towels at 3am, and cleaned the TV. I immediately started thinking what type of damage I may have done to our relationship so I went upstairs and talked to her while she slept. Told her things I never knew I felt and things I was going to fix. She was asleep but it was as if she could hear me. I cuddled up, tried to fall asleep next to her, and got up when she left for work. I was emotionally abusive without even realizing it… And I cried by her side that whole night.
I walked her out and as she was hopping in her car, I said “hey babe”, and she turns at me and snaps “WHAT?!”, and I said “I just wanted you to know that I love you and I hope you have a good day.” She said she would and so I went about my day as a man should. For the first time in months… I was being productive. When she got off work I called her and told her “hey we should talk when you get home. You know, I’m just really upset the way this morning went, and I’ve been thinking…”, but she cut me off and said “I’ve been thinking too. I’m done. I can’t handle it anymore.”
The day after I had my realization she was done. She came home that night. We talked just a tad, cuddled up, and watched a movie together. I didn’t beg her to take me back. In fact, I told her I would have done the same thing if I was dating me… We discussed what would happen with bills, the dogs, etc. and she agreed to stay until the end of the month. We both fell asleep on the couch cuddling and she even smacked me on my butt before we passed out (which is her way of saying let’s do it). I didn’t feel like it was a good idea especially if she was moving out.
The very next day she left for work without waking me like she did. I spent all day thinking about how hard the next few weeks were going to be. Then she came home. Rushed inside. And started packing. Everything. I didn’t beg her but I told her I knew I made a terrible mistake. That I was addicted and that I was going to seek help. She said she would be back tomorrow to grab the rest and I said “honestly, I can’t have these things here. It will hurt me if they are here.” so she asked me to call her parents and have them help her move things out. I agreed. If she was moving out I didn’t think it would be healthy for us to see other again after most of her stuff was already moved out. They showed up, her parents were upset and protective, but overall nice to me. I apologized that things turned out this way and told them we both made mistakes, but this is my fault. I told the love of my life just before she drove away that I was going to make positive changes in my life and that I want to be friends. I told her it would be smart if she took awhile to focus on herself. Told her I loved her. Kissed her on the forehead and she started tearing up. She told me what I had done wrong and said if I fixed them you never know what will happen. Then she hopped in her car, I bawled as she was leaving, and just like that she was gone…
Now, here I am and can admit for the first time after all of our breakups that I messed up! I made a mistake. And that I need to change things.
I’m really trying to do something positive, but earlier today I found out she replaced her phone and failed to let me know that she was leaving the plan I put her on. She knew we had a shared plan and knew I was comfortable with her having the phone as long as she was able to mail a check every month to cover her monthly bill. She has also been telling all of her friends she’s single and happy. And she shares things that I did wrong to her with everyone. Even though she told me she was going to think about things, she completely did the opposite!
And to top that off, I’m just worried that she will never be able to forgive me because it’s happened to many times. But this time was different. We’ve never truly been happy. The first time we were actually happy was when we were together before that game came out and I became addicted.
So I ask you Chris… Is there anything that this will do for me? I know I love this woman. I want to marry her. I know this for hundreds of reasons. The fact she stuck around while I sat for months giving up on everything is the biggest of the reasons. That right there alone tells me she really did care and wanted it to work. She was just scared to tell me because she was afraid I would snap…
I don’t know what to do at this point. The last time we talked was Wednesday. We were on the phone for about an hour. I don’t know if she was trying to be nice, but I was needy and told her how much I missed her and she was saying she understood I needed to make changes. Then we also texted Thursday, but when she got a new phone, she stopped talking to me completely, and never shared her new number. If she doesn’t I understand why 100%.
I’ve already put the game in the garbage, I’m applying for jobs, I’m seeking counseling, and I’m actually doing things again around the house even though she’s not here. I still pace around the house, but at-least with a purpose. I don’t know if this makes sense, but I know that I messed up and even then I’m stuck in the darkest corner without her. Her learning disability prevents her from understanding somethings. She has the mindset of an 18 year old. I know that sounds bad, but we counterbalanced each other in ways that could not be explained easily I love her too much to even care about her having, but the fact does remain and that fact may make a case like this something that you may not be able to handle… I just want to hear something honest and real from you if you wouldn’t mind. I know you probably don’t do case to case, but if you can make time just to reply to this and maybe ask other questions I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thanks Chris!
