4 weeks ago my boyfriend broke up with me even tho we had a great time.
I assume he is in the consistency Phase now. That he probably still loves me ( I still have his house key and he does not get in touch to get them back, so i think it still hurts him to see me).
So I would need advice? we only saw us once since the breakup to exchange some stuff and he cried a lot.
My heart still believes we are meant to be for each other and I think positive every day even tho sometimes I just start crying.
I believe if you think something good it will happen. I forgave me and him and I don’t want to discuss anymore what happened I just want the new start.
Do you have any recommendations for me? I would be most grateful.
Hey,
I understand you and i’ve been there before,my ex was crying like crazy when he said we needed space and i’m really sure that he loves you.
Could you please give us some more details like
How long have you been dating? why you broke up and how you acted ? have you been on NC?
The fact that you forgot the past and accepted that the previous relationship is over and you want to start a new relationship with him,is really good and thats what exactly everyone needs to accept.
thank you very much for your answer.
So basically we were dating for half a year and he were all in. We even went on vavcation with his parents and we nearly spend every minute together, made future plans and everything.
When he met me I was the happiest person alive and within the last half a year it faded and i got insecure about us, about me and about my desicions in live. I live abroad from home as I study again (I’m 26 and he is 27). So I never planned to stay here as the income is quite low for jobs after university. So as spending so much (maybe too much) time together he got aware of all the insecurities. He not really gave me a reason except that he said he is not sure if we are really meant to be for each other.
In addition he has a very difficult situation at work and perhaps did not have the head for more stress. However we had a postcard in his flat where everyone now and then wrote something and by chance the other person saw it after a while. Always with a date and he very wrote I’m making him to the happiest person alive.
We went to italy for a weekend and everything was perfect and two days after we came back he didn’t talk to me for a day and so when I met him the next day he said he is not sure etc.
Then I went home for a days totally broken where I did the usual mistiges of telling him how much I love him, we phoned once and he also cried a lot. Since then we basically have the now contact rule exept the day we exchanges things.
I asked once last week if we should meet up, and that I don’t want to judge him or any explainations. I just care about him and he answered that he doesn’t think we are ready to see us yet. I did not answer until a week ago, what he would suggest is a good time to see us again.
I did not get an answer. However he is a very logical person and has problems of showing his Feelings normally in terms of every desicion he makes he does with his head and not with his heart.
I went on with my live, and did not contact him, but I believe we are meant to be together. I think his brain is holding him back as well as he is afraid to admit to his self that he made a mistake as well as what would every one think if we would get back together?!
I learnt a lot about myself in the breakup and everything in my life fell into place. So I’m happy and in a good position. However I miss him desperately. I do not stalk him or anything at all, but I know he goes on a festival this weekend etc. And i believe he just tries very hard to believe he did the right desicion. Otherwise he had asked for his key back and there is still some things at his place.
So this is the situation, and I do not want to hold back on the bad things, we hurt each other as in every break up, but I want to have a fresh start and see whats happening. And I do not know how to approach him and to give him the feeling that I do not need him for my happiness but it is my desicion to be with him because I love. As well I want to take him the fear of what other people say or that I judge him or hate him or hurt him or anything. Because thats simply not what I want. I made peace with everything that happened I just want a new start with the person I love so deeply.
Alright,i got you.
Your situation is pretty much like mine and i know exactly what you should do.
Keep your cool and be positive.congratulations you are not stalking him and please never do that.its good that you don’t overanalyze what he says/does and never show obsession over anything about him.
You know,when it comes to break ups the main reason is loss of attraction and its not really about sex… .so many things may cause that and one of them is insecurity.when your partner sees that you are insecure ,its an attraction killer. (i experienced that ).he really doesn’t know what exactly happened but he feels like he is not sure and he doesn’t know if its gonna work or not.
You said he is a logical guy.so he tries to say logical reasons not to get back together which are not true.and even he may not now about it.
Don’t worry about anything.show him that you are having a great time without him in your life.i think it wasn’t a good time to ask him to hang out cuz he thinks you are gonna talk about the break up or getting back together.
Trust me your ex doesn’t want to hurt you and he is dealing with a hard time.
Don’t worry about others and there is literally nothing you can do to convince him not to care about others and not be scared.
You should apply NC for 3-4 weeks.then use one of the text versions to open the lines of communication with him.and then act like friends.he doesn’t have to feel any pressure and he doesn’t have to be sure that you want him back.
You should act like friends and don’t be afraid of the word FRIENDS cus its actually the FalseFriendship so you can get close to him without looking needy and he will feel comfortable talking and being around you so you can reattract him again.
Make positive changes in your life.he needs to see and feel the changes in your life so you can impress him.
The good thing is,if you attracted someone,you can do it again.and don’t worry about the falsefriendship once intimacy happened,it can’t be undone. my ex hasn’t forget about me or moved on after 6 months.
There are some rules about the falsefrienship and i will really help you through your next steps.
For now,be strong and try to be the happy,confident woman he once fell in love with.
You will get in touch.you can contact him with the text versions and you can open the lines of communication so you can meet after some time.
Read the article,there is a section about it.
And also as kevin suggested,i recommend you to read Relationship Rewind by Ryan Rivers.it explains what stage you are in and what exactly you need to do to get out of it.
Also subscribe to kevin’s email series.it will help you a lot.
i dont feel comfortable about the friend thing and I just want to fix things. So Im already so strong but I more and more feel that I can’t be that strong anymore even though I wish so much for that.
I’m getting Kevins emails already. There was were I read today about the consisteny state and I would agree that is exactly where he is at the moment. I will read a bit about the text message opening lines.
The friendship is not really friendship,its a whats called falsefriendship in the relationship rewind.and it works.btw i was only suggesting.the decision is totally up to you.
Hi I’ve read your story and I must say that you and I have the same fears, your ex’s and my ex’s minds are really similar. I could actually picture my ex in what you said about him.
(the difference is this is the first break up,we dated for 4 years,we are 22 and he was my first boyfriend,and I was his first girlfriend)
And I can see that you,like me, are very eager to start to meet him so he can see the changes and you want him to feel attracted to you again, believe me that’s the same things I feel too!.
For now my situation is that I opened a line of communication with one of the text suggestion (you need to think deeply to what to write and be prepared for any kind of aswers), I asked him about something that I know he’s really happy about,and we managed to talk a bit.
After that I suggested a meet up that very night with everybody because I had something to suggest to everyone( all our friends are in common but he is the only one who see them for now because I went NC and stayed with just two of my closest friends).
I knew that he was out with them for dinner so I was not suprised when he said that that night they’ve already spent money so they’ll spend the rest of the night at his house, but he suggested that the next time they go out he’ll tell me.
So now I’m waiting,3 days passed, but I don’t want to sound desperate and text him about the meet up,so I’ll wait a bit more.
I’m gonna follow your story because we share the same problems (like the lost attraction motive) and fears, so if you need emotional help I hope I’ll can help you…
A.Z : you are always so kind when we have an emotional break down, thank you to take your time for us
I actually texted him because I knows he likes girls who are determinate,full of suggestions,fun,strongwilled ecc…
I was all those things in the past…and then puff…life happended and I lost those traits that attracted him before, so I know where I need to work.
I agree that the most difficult part is to show him that…because to do that you actually need to spend a lot of time with him, so the suggestion to a false friendship is logical,because if you make clear that you are not trying to seduce him,but you just wanna have fun and hang out to have fun like friends, he will let down his guard and starts to enjoy the time together.
In my case we always hang out mostly as a group because he values friendship a great deal, never touch his friends! =D
So I’ll tell him that I would like to hang out with everyone, because is just unfair …I mean those are my friends too.
Then I’ll just focus on having fun and suggest lot of activities for everyone to do together, so I can spend a lot of time with him in a group…he’ll see how I’ve changed, and that new me will seduce him without me tying too hard ( because he must feel that he is him to seduce you and not the contrary!! )
Just think about yourself and be positive, if you are at peace with yourself and optimistic that automatically shows that on your face making you more attractive.
he texted me today if we want to go for a coffee next week or something like that as he also found a bit more of my things. I still have his key, he did not ask for it back yet.
I have not answered yet (he texted me a couple of hours ago) and I’m not sure when I want to text back. Any suggestions?
