I tried, but now it's really over

reconciliation
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I broke NC tonight and decided to talk to my ex on the phone. We spoke for about 2 hours and finally decided to end this relationship (for real this time). She said her feelings are too hurt and she really just wants to forget about me right now.

I’m glad I did this though, I feel more relieved now. My ex is really hurt and just wants to heal at the moment. However, she still loves me, and I know this because she refuses to see me and person to tell me she doesn’t love me anymore, she doesn’t want “feelings rushing” back (her words not mine). I feel like somewhere down the line she’s really going to regret all this, but only time will tell. She was crying a lot on the phone, mostly out of anger and the fact that this couldn’t work out.

She said (and so did I) that she wants to try again someday, after all of this passes over. I’m not going to hang on that sentiment, but I wouldn’t mind doing it either. Only the future can tell but we’ll see what happens.

I’m starting NC again today, this time for an extended amount of time (maybe 4-5 months) but I think it will take her longer to get over all this stuff.

Anyway, what do you guys think?? I’m officially going to start forgetting about my ex, but she’ll still be in the back of my head.

She also said she’s scared of being in a relationship with me again, and I did alot of harm to her emotionally. Her thoughts were very conflicting to me, but I guess that’s because i’m her first and she is mine.

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Can someone please help

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bump

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What does bump mean?

I feel for you dude, but at least u have an answer. Try to work on yourself and keep busy I’m sure after some time she will come back to u. It seemes she needs space to think. Love doesn’t just go away. I’m sure your story will have a good ending but you need to be patciant

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How long were you together? I think that at least 1 - 2 months no contact will be great. Think thru your relationship like the 5 step say. Become a better person. Change things. Become a happier person

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I think you are being very strong, and are doing the right thing. If you hurt her, she will need time to heal, and to forget the hurt. As a girl, I know that you do forget, and your mind remembers the good stuff, but it takes time. She did/does love you. the hurt has to fade into the past.

I think you need to put this onto a back shelf in your mind - don’t torture yourself that it’s over, just put it away for a while, whilst you get on with other things. Then in time, you will be able to revisit, with a healing distance separating you from all this current pain.

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mrcat22,
im not familiar with your story or how long you dated or why it ended but i can tell you i think this is a good thing. i truly am not an advocate of false hope and the reality is most of us will not get our exes back, but reconciliations do happen all the time and probably will for some people here. i think the key to getting an ex back though is to truly move on with your life, be happy, and reassess after time has passed.

my ex and i dated for 7 years (ages 15-22). we had a great relationship - very little drama, very compatible, etc. he broke up with me out of the blue 5 months ago because he told me if he spent his whole life with me and never dated anyone else he would always wonder “what if” and that even though he definitely can see himself getting back with me and marrying me one day, he needs to date and get to know other girls and would never ask me to wait around but if its meant to be it will work out “in time”.

of course when i first came to this site everyone told me how hopeful my situation was. and i guess, in a way it is. since the break up when we speak my ex still tells me he loves me, sees a future with me, etc. for the first 4 months i was nc on and off. we met up 3 times - all 3 were very emotional, lots of tears shed and it was very very difficult. the third time we met up was after i had completed a month nc. i can tell you i did nothing to improve myself during that time. the first three months of the break up all i did was cry and obsess about the situation to anyone who would listen. i didnt eat and i didnt sleep and i simply couldnt accept it. i broke nc all the time and my ex was always very nice and responded but he always said the same thing - he needed to date others, didnt want to be with me right now, and maybe in the future, but he didnt know when.

about a month ago i heard via a mutual friend he was seeing someone casually. i called him and asked him to which he answered honestly - yes he was seeing someone but no it wasnt serious. he told me nothing changed and this was the point of the break up - to see what was out there and have something to compare our relationship to. he told me this changes nothing and he loves me and i should be happy hes doing this now so he can be one step closer to a decision. i was devastated. but a few days later something shifted in me and this is why im telling you the story.

my ex doesnt want to be with me NOW and this is the case for all of us on this site. will they want to in the future? possibly but no one knows. we can all comment on each others stories but the truth is its impossible to predict. i like this site to vent and get advice but im not looking for anyone to say “he will come back” because no one knows - not even him right now.

this is a blessing in disguise for you. ive kept nc since that last phone call and i honestly feel like a new person. im HAPPY. i still think about my ex daily and i still miss him and want him to come back - but i no longer want to get him back. im not using nc to manipulate him. if i had something to say or ask, i would. but since he doesnt want to be with me right now, i have two choices. i can sit here miserably hoping he’ll come back and pining over him or i can pick myself up and move on with my life. ive gone on some dates, gone out with my girlfriends, focused on work, shopped, gone to the gym, etc. i want my ex to come back on his own because he realizes i make him happiest and if he does it will be my choice. im thankful we didnt get back before now because i wasnt ready. i was resentful of him leaving and hurt. now im gaining confidence and happiness everyday. i also dont think exes come back until weve truly moved on and fond happiness elsewhere.

ive realized my happiness was way too dependent on my ex. we started dating at such a young age that i didnt know who i was without him. trust me, i thought no one in the world had been more heartbroken than me and with time it gets easier. i recommend nc not to “get her back” but because it will shift the focus away from her life and onto you - the only one thats important now. dont put a time limit. if you feel ready down the line (usually a couple months later) and want to reach out and reassess once youre more calm, go for it. also dont beat yourself up if you slip up here and there - we’re all human and it happens. i did it many times but now ive reached the point i just dont want to anymore.

anyway, visit this site for support, keep nc, stay busy and distracted, and focus on YOU and moving on and not what will happen in the future. none of us can predict what will happen next week, next month, next year, etc. the bottom line is she doesnt want to be with you now, so shift the focus back to your own life and become a happy person without her and once you have healed you will be able to seek love again whether it be with her or someone else. good luck!!

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@atea1234 thank you for that lengthy response. I’m sorry about your ex but then again I shouldn’t because you’re happy with yourself anyway :smiley:

All I was stressing about last night was being with her and telling her how much I love her, and how much i was going to change. But then when I got on the phone with her, I realized, I don’t want to be in a relationship with this person she’s too hurt she needs to heal, I have to let her go do that. I realized I truly love her and I want her to be OK and for us ever stand a chance in a relationship, I have to reassess my values and get my life together too. She was saying a lot of hurtful stuff, I’m guessing she is going through the bad memories stage because all she was bringing up, bad memories. She was pushing the good memories in the back burner and suppressing her love for me.

I will contact her i due time, I’m just going to use this time to heal myself and focus on my studies.

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@Kaila I think 1-2 months might be a little too short. I might give it 3 months just so she can reassess herself.
Right now I don’t know if she’s in the bad memories stage or back in the break up stage, and I don’t know when she’ll enter the “miss him” stage.

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During the call I showed my ex my mature side and the discussion civil. It was the most difficult conversation I’ve ever had with her and I never called her names nor bash her ideas, I kept it strictly business. She even noticed it too saying, “Why is it now you want to be mature?! Why?!” I also told her about the progress that I was making in therapy and she said, “good for you, you should of done that from the beginning”.

You think she’s going to take all these things into consideration when she starts missing me??

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Do you know what’s bothering me about this whole thing? My ex still loves me and she doesn’t want to admit it to herself. She was crying alot on the phone yesterday and she was just full of anger and rage. She told me she doesn’t love me anymore, and she doesn’t have feelings anymore, it went something like this…

Ex: I have no feelings for you anymore, I don’t love you
Me: If that’s true then you should have the balls to say it to my face
Ex: No i’m not going to see you, I don’t want feelings rushing back
Me: If you have feelings rushing back that means you still love me, you’re lying to yourself.
Ex: Yea, f*** it I do love you, who cares!?
Me: Stop lying to yourself, you can’t suppress feelings!
Ex: I don’t care if i’m lying to myself, everyone does it

Like, what am I suppose to do with that…:frowning:

She also said other hurtful things that I won’t mention. All she was saying was how horrible our relationship was and all the bad moments. Almost as if we didn’t have any good ones smh

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She is really hurt. Dont pre decide the nc period. Give her time as much as she needs it. Till then, work on yourself and be cool.
She will definitely miss you someday. Wait for your good days to come

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Just do NC and give her much needed space so she can forgot negativity from the relationship. You should check with her after 30/40 days.

The hurt doesn’t came in all of sudden,it was building in her head from long time and there should be definitely breaking point where she decided enough is enough.

So take it easy and give her space,period

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30-40 days? Almost looks like she’s going toneed 30-40 years to forget this pain smh. Idk how much can change in that amount of time.

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30-40 days? Almost looks like she’s going toneed 30-40 years to forget this pain smh. Idk how much can change in that amount of time.

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I really don’t know how much time I can give her she said maybe a year. She said after she finishes healing she’s going to give me a chance to earn her trust back because ultimately she wants to be with me. Honestly, I doubt she means that, I’m her first and only I doubt she knows what’s out there for her.

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Domt stress over it. Focus on yourself and you never know what future holds for you. There’s no point of thinking about it so much.
It can take one week or a year, who knows?
Its better to let her go now and let her heal herself and you heal yourself. Everything is going to be fine sooner or later: )

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There’s just a huge gap in my life right now without her. I’m just scared of seeing her move on to someone else, it’s the scariest thought ever right now.

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Any more opinions, please?

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U guys give so much great advice. Can u guys take at look at my case i would really appreciate it. I feel so hopeless at the moment.