I ask you to forgive me in advance for any mistakes or inaccuracies. English is not my native language, so I had to use GPT for translation. I hope everything reads easily and clearly. I am a man, I am 33 years old. The woman is 31 years old. We don’t have any children.
Hi guys, I’m another idiot who messed up everything and then made it worse because I didn’t immediately figure out how to get my ex back. However, this is not an ordinary story, and I think I still have a chance, but I need your help. This is a very big story, but I will try to tell it as briefly as possible.
1. The beginning. We met on the Internet and communicated for a very long time (About 4 years). Our correspondence numbered several hundred thousand messages by the time we met in life. She fell in love with me during our correspondence and we often found ourselves next to each other in life (Just coincidences) So we knew exactly what we looked like. Then I realized that she had become a very dear person to me, and then I fell in love too. We met and the beginning was just incredible. It was a great mutual outburst. Guys, she worshipped me, she greatly admired my work (I was an artist), she was literally afraid to look at me. We didn’t leave each other’s side for days, hugged for hours and were really happy both of us. We started living together after a week of meetings and lived together for 6 years.
- About a year after we started living together, I had to work a lot, sometimes for 20 hours a day, in addition, I was sick with something (Perhaps it was a lingering depression, which I did not recognize, because I had never suffered from anything like this and was always a happy person), so at some point, I felt very bad both physically and mentally. During this period, I became very distant from her, she stayed by my side, tried to help me, but I still moved away. Then one situation happened, there is no point in telling about it. I was more to blame for it than she was, but all the blame fell on her, so she had to feel guilty for a while, and maybe that’s why she was afraid to say the wrong word.
3. Then we just lived for another 4 years. I didn’t get better, I was still sick and the doctors couldn’t find the cause. She kept forcing me to go to the hospital and stuff like that. But I felt so bad that I didn’t walk, I turned into trash, gained a lot of weight, didn’t work, played computer games, and did nothing. I had money, so I bought a nice apartment, but she was never a material person, she didn’t care, she kept saying that we didn’t spend much time together, that we didn’t go anywhere, but she wanted to go out with me, and so on. But those were all the complaints I heard from her, the rest of the time she said she was happy that I was her conscious choice and that she loved me more and more. Either because I was sick or because I’m a dumb idiot, but I heard the good and completely ignored the bad.
4. On July 17th, everything was fine, she said she loved me and we were going to go on our first date in many years. On July 18, she was sad, so I started asking what was the matter and she said that I would not continue, but I continued and she exploded, she said that the last few years were just terrible and that she was on the verge of suicide, said that she could no longer live with me and that she was leaving. She said she had made me up or I was pretending well, that I had never really been the kind of person she thought I was, that I was cold and distant. It came as a complete shock to me, because I thought that everything was fine with us! I didn’t notice anything happening around me that much. She didn’t give me any chance, but I was still able to persuade her quickly. She left for a very long time and it was obvious how hard it was for her, she said if you want something, start over, get to know me anew, and so on. 10 days later, she moved out of my apartment and into a rented apartment. I thought she would disappear, but on the very first day, after only 3 hours, she texted me and we still communicate every day. During and after the breakup, she said that she still loves me, that I am the greatest love of her life and still the man of her dreams, but she is afraid that if she comes back, everything will happen again after a while, I will distance myself again and be cold to her.
5. I did everything wrong. I was suffocated by the fact that after so many years together and such a strong love and connection between us, she just leaves without trying to fix anything and without giving me a normal chance (She said I give a chance, but I don’t promise anything, which sounds like no chance), so I didn’t understand how this was possible. It wasn’t until I messed it up completely 2 months later that I realized she was trying to save everything, had been trying for several years, she was just doing it alone without telling me. It’s stupid. But I’m not sure that she can be blamed for this, it seems she just doesn’t know how to speak directly, tries to smooth out the corners, and so on. In the end, she never once told me that she wanted to leave me, on the contrary, she said that she was afraid of this more than anything in her life and could not imagine her life without me. So I started taking care of her, I tried different things and saw that they didn’t get a response, warmth, kindness, care— nothing. And then I remembered how much she admired my work and drew her a picture, she was shocked and cried a lot from it, but at the same time she was delighted and I decided, damn it, this is what works. And I started giving her creative gifts, every time she was delighted and it seemed to me that everything was moving, she sometimes kissed me, we often saw each other, walked, went to restaurants, hugged each time and talked every day. It went on like this for almost three months and I decided to propose to her, damn it was incredibly stupid. Because I told her that I could hear her now (The fact that I couldn’t hear her and couldn’t hear her words was the main reason for the breakup), but with all my actions I showed that I was hearing only good things again, I saw that she was delighted and continued to give it to her, even though she said, that she cries from such gifts, that she is bitter that I have not done this before, and so on. Besides, I told her that I was to blame for what happened, and then I tried to convince her that she was to blame. I didn’t have such a goal, I just wanted to justify myself in her eyes, but only now do I realize that it sounded to her exactly like I was accusing her. Therefore, when I proposed, it was damn stupid, because she’s not even my girlfriend at that moment, besides, why would she agree if I showed her that I hadn’t changed, didn’t hear her and continued to convince her that she was to blame! Naturally, she refused, she said now I don’t want to be with you, I do not know what will happen next, but not now.
That was the end of it, and I thought that we would stop communicating, but from that moment on, she began to write to me herself, every day, began to wonder where I was and so on, so I tried to talk to her seriously again and she said again that she didn’t want to be with me now, but what She doesn’t know what will happen next. That was the second point, then there were a few more, we even had a big fight a couple of times, but she continued to write to me every day, sometimes for some made-up reasons. This went on for another month, and it even seemed to me that her interest was growing. I flew to another city, posted the story on Instagram, and that led to even more interest from her. Besides, before that, I explained to her why I was courting her in this way, why I was trying to explain something to her, and so on. So she heard what she wanted and replied, “You finally got it!” So it started to seem to me that something had changed. But after another week, she posted a bunch of stories on Instagram, where she told her clients about what happened to her, about leaving me, moving to a rented apartment, and so on. It looked either like a cry from the soul to get support, or like a public farewell to me. So I tried to talk again, I asked her to finally be completely sincere and speak directly. The answer was still the same, now she doesn’t want to be with me and doesn’t see me as her man, and she doesn’t know what’s going to happen next, and maybe later she’ll come howling at my door. Then I asked how she sees her hypothetical man, what qualities he should have, and she replied, “I don’t know, probably someone who hears me and understands me between the lines,” I asked why she was writing to me, and she replied, “You’re right, no one needs this dialogue,” and you know what happened next.? She continued to write to me even more and more actively. And in these conversations, I learned that her words that she is now happy, strong and brave are not true. She’s been very ill, she’s been very depressed for the last two months and she’s crying every night. She takes hormone pills because of her health problems and she explained it that way, but I think our breakup also contributes.
A few days ago, she sent me a video she was recording to her doctor about how sick she was and how tears were streaming down her cheeks. She said that she would see another doctor later because money was very tight right now. I sent her some money (Enough for a doctor) and she immediately returned it to me, but she sent a voice message and, judging by her voice, she was very pleased, she thanked me, but said she didn’t need it. Then I sent them to her again and she did not return them back, but she left the dialogue and did not reply to me. Three days have passed since then, and she began to break off the dialogue. That is, she still answers me, but much less often, before she was looking for an excuse to continue the conversation, replied to some old messages, and so on, if only she had the opportunity to continue. And now she can just read it and leave without answering. Yesterday I deleted one of my messages and after 5 hours she asked me why I deleted it. So she reads them in the notifications and doesn’t open them. And it all looks incredibly strange, we broke up four months ago, for three months we saw each other every few days, we talked every day. Then we put an end to it, and for another month she wrote to me very actively, even after she herself said that this dialogue was not necessary. And so she shows me that she lied about being happy, shows me how bad she feels, accepts my help, why? It looked like “Pay attention to me,” and I did, but she seemed to start moving away.
Now some specifics and questions:
- She said that no one needed this communication, but she wrote to me every day.
- We put about 5 points, but all of them were indecisively worded “Not now”, “I do not know what will happen next” and so on. Why doesn’t she put a radical end to it if she’s decided everything?
- She said that her hypothetical man “Hears her and understands between the lines,” and here’s my first question, now (damn, why not right away) when I read the articles on this site, I know about the rule of no contact. But it’s been 4 months and we’ve been talking every day. What should I do now? On the one hand, following the rule of no contact, I have to stop this communication. On the other hand, we’ve already started everything once with a light, pleasant conversation, what if it can work out again? After all, she said “Get to know me again, start over”, if she needs a man who understands her between the lines — between the lines I see a cry for help, she is very ill and she needs support, maybe from me, and if I don’t give it, I will once again show that I don’t hear her? Then how the hell do I decide to communicate with her or not!?
- I understand the reasons for her departure. I understand what my fault is and I’m ready to fix it all. I understand why she declined the offer. But I only realized all this now, 4 months after the breakup. I feel like there’s still a chance. And I only felt it now, when it seems that everything is over. It seems that right now I can still do everything right, but I don’t know how.
- A year ago, I proposed to her, she agreed at the same second and was happy (although now she says that the last few years were terrible, it didn’t stop her then) But I didn’t buy the ring, I just made it spontaneously. And then I forgot about the ring (Remember I said that I was very ill for many years, it also affected my memory) So, she reminded me a few times, and then she said, damn, buy a toy ring, if you don’t have the money, just finish the job, but I never did it.
- I love her very much and didn’t want to cause her suffering, I really behaved like this because I felt bad, I didn’t do it on purpose, I didn’t want to be distant and cold, I just didn’t notice that I had become like this. Now I have found the reason and I am healthy, I got in shape, lost 40 kilograms of weight, took up sports, returned to my hobbies and work.
- A little bit about her — she had a very difficult childhood, her father abandoned her, and her mother was not up to her, she took care of her dying grandmother and worked from the age of 14. So I think she has an anxious type of attachment. She told me many times, “You can’t leave me alone, you can cheat on me and I’ll forgive you, but never leave me alone,” and that’s exactly what I did. As a child, she was often bullied at school, so she had to fight, and it’s like she has two personalities — a little girl who wants to be a princess, to be hugged and loved. And the second one, which comes out when the first one is offended, and this second one is an angry, aggressive bitch who is ready to fight to protect a little girl. She is very, very empathic and sacrificial, and even in our relationship, instead of telling me directly how serious the problem is between us, she continued to hide it, often crying in secret from me and just endured, hoping that someday I would understand everything.
- I have two versions of what is happening now — the first is negative.: She talks to me because it’s easier for her. Like an alcoholic who drank for 12 years and then quit, but takes small sips so as not to lose his temper. The second neutral one was that she felt bad with me and left, thinking it was just me, but it turned out that it wasn’t. It’s about her too, her hormone problems and so on, so she was happy for the first month, free, I’m around, but she doesn’t owe me anything and all that. A lot of friends support her and tell her how strong she is and well done. And then it all blew up, her friends got tired of her and it turned out that it wasn’t about me, but she’s afraid to come back, afraid that everything will happen again, and she can’t quite let me go, and maybe she just doesn’t understand what to do now.
- She was caught several times being jealous of me and worried about me, although she tried to hide both of these facts.
- I told her that we won’t be friends and she agrees, we’ve discussed this before and we know we can’t be friends. I also asked if I was her backup, to which she replied, “You don’t deserve such a rotten role,” but maybe it’s just words.
- She had a small business, and since leaving, she has put all her efforts into developing it, as well as returning to the gym, which she has not been to for several years. She told me that she took up all her time with work and sports so that she wouldn’t think about me. But maybe it’s just words, too.
- I’ve left just a lot of strong emotional anchors, so she sees something that reminds her of me every day at home and at work.
- I have never knowingly done anything wrong to her, I have not beaten her, I have not cheated on her, I do not drink or use drugs. There was a lot of laughter in our house every day.
- She had a relationship before me, it started in high school and she lived with a man for 9 years after. She didn’t leave him for me, at first she broke up with him and only after 3 or 4 months we met.
So what the hell, if we’re not friends and broke up 4 months ago, why does she keep texting me EVERY DAY? For more than a month, I haven’t written to her for the first time and I only reply once a day. Why does she show her cry of the soul, shows how bad she feels, 3 months later, when she said she was happy, and after that, communication begins to fade in the last 3 days? It looked like she was reaching out to me a little bit, but it was when she showed me how bad she felt that she seemed to start moving away. Three days is a short time to draw conclusions considering that this story is 4 months old, but still. Maybe she feels so bad that she just doesn’t want to communicate with anyone, I do not know. What should I do guys? I really want her back. These are not emotions, I pulled myself together very quickly, I behaved quite decently, only in the first two days (let me remind you that her departure came as a shock to me) I spoke all sorts of snotty nonsense on emotions. Then I pulled myself together. I’ve never asked her to come back, I’ve never begged her for anything. He spoke coldly and reasonably. He behaved with dignity, didn’t humiliate himself in any way, nothing like that. But at the same time, having assessed everything with a cool head for a long time, I realize that this was the same woman. The one I want to be with all my life. I forgot to say that this is my first and only love, before that, no woman has ever managed to arouse anything but mild interest in me. My longest relationship before her was two weeks, lol. I lived with her for 6 years and would gladly have lived until my death. We match perfectly in everything, the same hobbies, the same music, the same movies, the same outlook on the world, the same interest in creativity, the same sense of humor, and so on. What should I do?