I love my ex, and I want him back permanently

reconciliation
1

So this guy and i had feelings for each other for two years, but we never acted on it. during those two years, and we didn’t date another person. the third year, our feelings got stronger for one another, and he asked me out. we have been together for almost a year. he told me i love you within 1 week of dating, and said he wants to marry me one day within 5 months of dating. he wanted to get engaged within 10 months of dating. after 11 and a half months of our relationship, he acted cold towards for about two weeks, then said on dec 30, 2015 he said i love you but we need a break. on dec 31, 2015, he said I see you as a friend only.

I have proof that he cheated on me with a girl from work for at least a month prior to him asking for a break. his friends told me about it. i completely trusted him and believed he didn’t cheat on me, but he did. anyway, a week later, he is kissing a girl, that you could easily mistaken for me. she has short hair just like me. this is a girl that has been bothering him to date for about 10 weeks prior to him wanting a break from me. he gave her rides, without telling me. she gave him Christmas presents, according to him. It was a cap that was my size, and not his. when i asked him about it again, he lied and said he bought it. he took her out. and i belive they have also been intimate. i could see the guilt in him for the two weeks that he was cold to me.

anyway, what we had was mutual, and we were both crazy in love with another. Before i started this relationship with him, i did not know how to care, love and be with someone. he tought me what caring is, what love is, and what it is like to be in a relationship. After 5 months of a relationship, there was something that he would do, which would push me to tears, and i would close up on him, so that i dont say anything. he told me this is a relationship, and we will have our ups and downs, but we need to talk to each other so we can learn and be better. he took the best care of me when i was sick. not even my parents could have matched his caring and worrying for me. everyday he would tell me how lucky he is o be with me, how much happiness i bring him, how i am the best thing that has ever happened to him, how i am his one and only true love and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. then this girl came in and ruined a lot of it, and he ruined my happiness, by giving into her.

We were from different religions, and both of our parents are strict and have many restrictions on us. i couldn’t have a boyfriend because my parents wont allow it. if they saw it, they would be extremely upset, and rightfully so ground me. it is also against my religion. so when we started dating, he agreed to no sex until marriage and that we have to meet in secret. he said when he wanted a break, that it is not about sex, it is just that we cant meet in many places and there are too many restrictions. he did acknowledge that the restrictions are not my fault.

a week after he asked for a break from me, he moved out of his parents house to get over the restrictions. I am pretty sure he is living with that girl now. he says he is happy but he wants to be friends with me. he is cold to me for days, then talks to me for 2-3 days, and drags our conversation out.

I begged, cried and pleaded him to not leave me, because I love him. I know he cheated on me, and lied to me, but I still want him back. I learned from your emails that time heals the pain associated with breakup, then the bad memories heal, and then your ex misses you badly for some months.

I do believe that we had was special, and he was just tired of all the restriction. although, if he did love me, he wouldn’t have been tired of the restrictions imposed on him by me. he said moving out changed everything for him. He is a new person now. i will be graduating in about 6 months with an engineering degree and moving out. then when we get back together, there is really no restrictions.
he never mentioned anything about the girl, or that the restrictions are getting to him, or he wants to move out, to me.
I am wondering if this is a rebound relationship and if there is a chance we can get back together?
he was absolutely giving, and treated me like a princess, with understanding, patience, support, and kindness, and love. but suddenly, something changed after 11 months of our relationship, and i think it is the girl.
I want my happiness back, that is why I am reaching out to you. Do i have a chance of getting back with him? and how do I do it?
It has been about two weeks of him asking for a break. you warned not to freak out when you see your ex with someone, but i did, and told him we are over. he is still talking to me and wants to be friends. he owes me some money, which he should be returning today, and after that, i will start the no contact rule.
unfortunately, i pushed my friends and family away to be with him, and now i don’t really have a support system, i don’t want to discuss this breakup with friends or family, because it is very painful for me to talk about. I have not been able to put any solid food in my moth, because doing so makes me throw up.
he was my friend for 3 and a half years, one of which year i was in a serious and committed relationship with him. While we were friends, we talked everyday about what we were doing, and if i was feeling down i would talk to him. i don’t have a best friend like him anymore. i can’t talk about my health and my suffering to him, because he is in a new relationship, and i am respecting their fidelity to one another. I don’t want him to think i am a crazy and clingy ex.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel like everything I believed in for so long isnt true. he told me he never had sex before and neither did I. The thought of the lips that were mine 2 weeks ago kissing someone else brings me so much pain, although i know they are no longer belong to me. I am sure they are having sex, and i missed the chance of us being each other’s first, and it hurts very much.
I need hope that I will get him back and I will be able to start over with him, if you could guide me through the process Kevin? I started receiving your emails since jan 2, 2016. Is he in a rebound relationship?

2

I honestly don’t know what to do. I will never forget the way he made me feel with his words, and touch. he was first everything, from love, to kiss, to touch.
but he did lie to me about many important things, withheld information that could have saved our relationship, and cheated on me.
His friend told me that once a liar is always a liar. I do believe that. But i don;t understand why he cheated on me. I thought i could forgive cheating, but fidelity is the most important thing to me in a relationship.
I was so faithful to him. I never took rides from guys. instead i called my dad. when i could see that a guy friend is interested in me, i quickly told them i am with the man i will be marrying in June. Any guy coming on to me, I let him know about it to build an honest relationship.
we both have attractive personalities that the opposite sex naturally gets attracted to. but i have the looks and body advantage more than him, so more people wants me. but that doeant mean i give into temptation right away. i know who i am for, and i saved myself for him. he took that away from me, the way i see it. so i dont know what to do. I feel dirty and used :cry:

3

First of all, calm down. You are not alone, even if people here don’t know you personally, I think in a sense, we all are there for each other. Don’t consider yourself lonely.
Now, I think you need to follow NC strictly for 1 month and not give in if he tries to message you or talk to you.
You should definitely do your best to get him back but don’t be desperate. You need to get in touch with the reality, accept whatever has happened, there’s a reason behind it. You might not like it but when a relationship breaks, you cannot put the entire blame on the other person. Even if infinitesimal, you need to take responsibility.
This is very important, acceptance liberates you and helps you to move on from the situation. Unless you move on from the current situation, you won’t be able to think with a clear mind.
Work on yourself and though it’s difficult, try to be happy. Do what makes you happy. Do things that made you happy before he came in your life.
I am saying move on because when you get back with your boyfriend, it will be a new relationship for both of you wherein both of you will understand each other better, love each other more, and won’t repeat the mistakes.
I hope this helps
Take care

4

but he cheated on me, even tho he denies it. his mom and his friends confirmed my suspicion. is it bad to want him back?

5

not just cheating, but pretty sure an affair while we were together. he tells his friends he started going out with her on new year’s and that’s 2 days after breaking up with me. and he lied and told them he broke up with me a month ago. and like i said i think they are living together. should i move on?

6

I know you were “together” a year and he treated you very well. At least he had the decency to start going out with the other girl AFTER he broke up with you. He’s young and maybe confused about who he wants and think would be compatible with him. Give it time … lots of time, maybe even until you move out of your parents house and wouldn’t have so many restrictions. There is nothing you can do to stop him from dating others, but giving him space will give him time to remember your good qualities … don’t ruin that by becoming clingy and begging. Men want happy relationships and when they are miserable and unhappy, they will bail. Just keep cool and do things for yourself. Focus on school, family, and friends. If it’s meant to be, he will come back to you, but don’t put all your hopes on it. Go out with other nice guys if you want to… Who knows what God has in store for you… it might be a sweet guy that you’re passing over. Good luck and take care of yourself.

7

I agree with all these comments. You need to be your best self to love someone completely and until you feel love and respect for yourself you won’t feel it from others. Be young and free and do something new every day. I recently started taking a photo of something I’m greatful for everyday…It has worked wonders.
Good luck

8

That is a great idea Molly! I definitely need to find the confidence, love and respect I have for myself, and I will write and take a picture of something that makes me happy and am thankful for! Ill make an Instagram post of it! That will keep me occupies :slight_smile:

9

I can not believe what you went through and how you deal with it. Cheating from the other partner definitely crashes our self-esteem in a big way.

It is a hard situation and I really don’t know what to say

10

@sunaglass not only did i go through an affair, he told many degrading things. One was that when he used to look at my pictures he used to feel like the luckiest guy in the world.
Now those feelings went away he said. He treated me so badly when he wanted a break. Like i said his friends couldn’t belive he was being so mean.
He told me it’s not me, it’s not about sex, it’s not a girl. He just needs a break to figure out why he’s cold to me. I feel like guys are going to like me for some time and g then when I’m ready to Commit they’ll leave me.

I’m not crying anymore at least. I don’t understand why the wronged people suffer.
He is doing so well. He’ll be getting a raise next month at work. He’s living with the girl he’s been cheating on me with.

And I’m here broken. I’m considering counseling for myself and its so hard to get an appointment abd the sessions are expensive. I feel like it’s already too late becsuse i lost motivation to do anything. I was a driven woman and nothing would compromise my school and work.

Now I’m failing my Classes, i still cant eat and hence don’t have the energy to work out. I tried many different things but nothing is working. Its so hard to keep a face for my family, at school and at work. But i don’t want anyone to see me broken. I’m glad i have this online place where i can let out how i feel and get meaningful responses. Thank you everyone.

11

Hi little girl I’m going through somethings with my ex to I love her very much and she is six months pregnant. But with your ex no matter what I believe that love never fades away if you have been together for that long and he mite just be in a rebound relationship because that woman he is with now gave him somethings you didn’t so just be honest with your self and stick with the no contact. Hello will eventually miss you a lot and will try to contact you more I hoped I help you out and if you have time I would like a woman’s prospective on my situation please.

12

I know deep down he loves me. He was so crazy in love with me. When he would need to go gome or go to work, he would try for like 15 minutes to shut off his feelings so he can be strong enough to leave and go to work or go home.
People are telling me he is acting like a typical 22 yr old, but me being 21 what if i had done to him what he has done to me? Then most people would call me the s word. They’ll tell me i have no morals and i toook a good guy for granted. No one would say that i acted like a typical 21 yr old girl. Does he get an excuse for his actions because he is a man?
I have known him and his friend circle for over 4 years, and none of them would ever do what he did. His friends cant even talk to him after what he did to me. He works as a casheir (where he met the girl with my short hair and looks like me) and a tutor at the high school he went to and the tutors there lost respect for him.
The thing is he would pressure me to give him a bj and the fact that he would push my head down just made me go all cold and not want to do it. There were so many times when i was mentally prepared but he pushed my head down and i felt so humiliated. And thr smell honestly made me throw up many times, but i never knew how to tell him. I know that cashier girl wouldn’t mind the smell and would give it to him anyway. And i was strict about no sex until marriage. And its not like he kept me sexually satisfied either. I was really frustrated but it didnt matter to me. What matteres to me is that i was able to talk to him about anything, i trusted his fidelity, and i loved how he would check on me and would tell me everyday how much he loves me, how I’m his one and only and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
When we would go to places together his attention would always be just on me. Nothing else. So i really thought i was his one and only.
Like i said we liked each other for 3 years but i was a closed and untrusting person, and i gave in a little last year when we got together in Jan 9. And again he said i love you withing a week of being together, he wants to marry me within 5 months and he wanted to get engaged within 10months. And looking back, at the time he wanted to get engaged, the girl was in the picture unbeknownst to me. He always talked about how he felt, and i didnt much. It took me 6 months to tell him i love you. I fianlly fully opened up to him last month, and thats when he started closing. And i know its because of the girl. She would always offer those sexual favors. When he wanted a break he yelled at me saying you know there were girls specially at work who wanted but i made sure everyone knows ib was going out with someone, accusing me of being his gf.

All this came out of nowehere honestly. We never had arguments, never disagreed on anything.

Only time he would get upset with me is when i wanted to give up on school or job search, but upset in the way that his gace would look like he wants to cry and he would say i know i cant help you little girl, but you cant give up.focus on the bigger picture. When you graduate next year and have a job we can ger married and spend the rest of our lives together.
So i went from acing my classes, to working out for just myslef to for him. So he can like me more, so we can have a better future.
Yesterday i realised how much sacrificed to be with him. I’m very busy being a senior, taking full load of class, club involvement, research projext leader, interviewing for jobs, working out, group projects, taking care of my family because I’m the oldest.
I sacrificed in all those areas to be with him just for some time. I hung out with friends and family less to be with him to the point where i kinda drove them away. Now I’m working on rekindling the relationship.
I pretty much gave my everything to be with him. And its not like he gave mw all. He gave up on school. He stopped going to school and started working 2 jobs he siad to pay off his car and loans. I learned from his mom that the car was a gift to him. He lied so much to me and his friends as well as his parents. He would purposely fail his classes by not showing up to the finals and it would make me so sad that he is throwing our future away. His graduation got delayed by 1 year, and instead of beating him up over it i helped him make a grad plan and get it approved. I know people who break up over these things.

To me what was important is that i would be able to push him to greatness like no one can, and we would be able too give each other the love undestanding, patience and care that no one could.
I wonder did he break up with me over the bj? Becaue he was an abuser in that part by pushing my head down. His friends told me to never get back with him Because he was becoming abusive in their opinion, blaming me for His mistakes.
So many people told me i deserve better. Even strangers told me honey you look like a Movie star.what are you doing wasting your time with him? You deseve a man who can get you a house, sport cars and jewleries and i would tell them that my worth isnt based on money. If a guy wants to be with me he would have to be faithful to me most importantly, and treat me with respect, understanding, love, patience and care. He gave me that for a while ?

His friend said he wont let him get back wit me lol because i derve better than a liar and a cheater and once a liar and cheater always one.

But i do belive in love and second chances. I’ll give him a second chance if he proves he has changed. I’ll meet him halfway this time.not all the time. He cant push my head down and if he wants it we use a condom (i can’t get past the smell. Even tho he showers everyday?) I’ll be a happy person arpund him and I’ll work on compromising more and talking about my feelings.
Orher than that, in honestly see nothing else i can do.

I have values. I’m not a backseat sex kinda girl or you make out for a minute with me and you push my head down.But that girl is. And i dont see that I’m lacking somehting in me because I’m that type of person. His friends told me I’m not either. And they are disappointed that he treated me more like a hooker in that sense rather than a girlfriend he wanted to marry.

Thank you everyone for your help.

13

Also he gives up so easily i think. I never wanted to be a mother and he would push me about it and i was in love with him and i was thinking that having a son that looks just like him and dresses like him would give me much happiness. I could dress up my two boys and take them out with me. I’ll take care of both of them and love them to death. But in the summer when he got the new cashier job (which he didnt need) he truly gave up on school. He took a leave of absence from school and i was thinking to myself how can i havea kid with a man who gives up so easily? What if he gives up on our kid when things get hard? What if he gives up on both of us?
I didnt tell him what i was thinking. I was being strong for him and made a grad plan for him. I helped plan his finances for him.
Then i asked him what if cant support our kid? And he said the government can help with wic checks. I was so appalled. Here i am busting my self for that A, getting involved in clubs, working out, doing projects, networking for jobs so we can have a good future and he talks about wic checks? There’s nothing wrong with government aid but what i mean is that he has no ambition.
I don’t want to bring a child who’ll have to worry about finances. I never had to worry about it thanks to my parents. And I’m working hard so i won’t have to worry about it when i move out, and he completely shuts down my effort. ?

14

So basically he gave up on school, me, then on his parents. Now his friends cant talk to him. All he has is that girl.
I know it will break up and when it does, i know his family and friends will welcome him back with open arms. He basically lost nothing.
I work hard and have ambition. Ill be graduating in three yearss this june with an engineering degree from a polytechnic institute with 2 minors, a certification, 2 years of scholarly research, and club work. So ofcourse the man I’m going to be with, I’ll want him to try too. I’ve been working hard for 2 years trying to get internsips, and finally this year, the companies who have been rejecting me for 2 years are calling me for interviews.
I never give up on my ambitions abd goals and i don’t sacrifice on my values. I don’t think that makes me less than that girl.
I don’t force anyone to work hard like me if that’s what it seems like. I influence people around me to be better. We met in physics class abs the first quarter he studied by himself he got a B. Next quarter he studied with me and he got an A. But i got the highest Grade in class. I help people, but i don’t force them to be better.

15

I think your over analyzing the relationship and stick in a sort of envy with him.

He cheated on you, moved in the girl who is providing what you wouldn’t. Let him live his life, let him have the life he wanted do much that he would dishonor you and chest on you for.
Stop with the thoughts of his well you treated him, he didn’t care .

As far as no sex before marriage, giving oral sex is still sex, so when you did this it was natural he wanted more. He found someone who would, you stuck to no penetration, which probably upset him.

This guy has zero respect for you, you need to start healing yourself and find someone who will respect you and your morals.

He moved on, just like my ex, he’s living the life he created, although my ex may be unhappy, that’s what he chose and nothing I can do about it. I don’t have to put my life on hold and be unhappy, I have the freedom to go whatever I want and live- you need to do the same.

It’s been a week no contact for me, I still miss him like crazy, but I’m feeling better, he’s not in my every thought. I deserve better. If he wanted me, he would prove it- he apparently wants the miserable life, more power to him.

Yeah, like you I treated him so well, but apparently they wasn’t good enough.

Like you I was failing at everyday things while he is happy as can be with no consern for my well being- so learn from that, he is living his life while yours has stopped, and he doesn’t care, so start living God you, his world didn’t stop and yours shouldn’t either.

Gain your independence from your parents and you will see what the world had to offer. Go on dates, hang out with friends, live lufe, let the jerk live his life, one day he might see what he threw away, but right now he doesn’t care and you shouldn’t either.

16

I appreciate your advice very much. It’s hard for me still to understand how someone could stop caring so fast but i do need to stop thinking about it. I told him my values before we started and he agreed to all of it. No sex before marriage was also one of his he said. And he said many times it’s not because of sex. I’m just so busy and i wanted him in my life so every promise be made i didn’t have a time for second thoughts.
Anyways The thing is for so long everything i did was for him and now it’s so hard to do things for myself. I only wanted to move out from my parents house to be with him and that’s what was driving me to work hard in school and do well in interviews. He was my rock. When everything failed he was there. At least i thought he was. I didn’t know about the lying abd cheating back then. Now everything is failing and he isn’t there. I don’t know how to fix my life. The pain is becoming better but Idk how to stop loving him. How do i let him go? How do i heal?
I’ve tried everything and nothing is working. I’m going counseling next week.i hope it helps me.

17

He never asked for sex. Just bj.