I have failed every rule, and I really need feedback now.

Breakup Help reconciliation
1

Dear all,

Thank you deeply for tuning in to this thread.

I am deeply grateful for you spending your minutes on reading my story, one that will change my life.

Me and my ex girlfriend have been together for over 6 years. We are now in our mid twenties. Together we have travelled to countless countries. We moved from home together to live in our very first apartment. And then a second apartment. We have since what feels like forever been soulmates, always been that steady and serious relationship. Sure, we have fought and lived through a lot of phases. But we’ve grown stronger from each and every one of those. Until the last phase. Suddenly, we are no longer in a relationship and it’s now been over 5 months.

Unfortunately for me (perhaps, for us) I have greatly failed all of the 5 steps/rules. This is pretty embarrasing to write as I have failed so horribly, which have only lessened the chances of us getting back together. I have only in the recent two weeks been reading the 5-step-guide and I do that probably 3 or 4 times a week, to keep it on the top of my mind. To not KEEP failing.

My ex broke up from me extremely sudden. A 6 year relationship ended one day while I was calculating our economy. “We need to talk”. I couldn’t cry, I was so shocked. That feeling. Having the most important piece of your life - for so long - not wanting to be with you any longer. I don’t think there is a word for the feeling. 15 minutes later, and I drove away from our apartment.

The main reason being we had for long started to take the relationship for granted. And I agreed.

Since then, I have gone through some extremely difficult times. Not hurt myself or anything like that, just to let that out. But I couldn’t, and can’t, accept that the love of my life, who have loved me so deeply and whom I have made so happy, want to create an entire future, rest of our lives, excluding us. Unthinkable.

Instead of the no contact rule, I kept texting her with long messages how I understood the reason for breaking up. I explained how I will change and how the “taken for granted” crawled up slowly without being able to notice it. I left her written notes of love letters, and kept texting her. I made up my stupid mind that we’re unbreakable, and that this was just another phase.

But still, here we are.

Sure, we’ve had weeks of no contact, but that was entirely of her decision. I have tried to find myself - by being with friends and family, who I have a sufficient amount of and deeply love. I have started to work out more and I’ve been on dates. I have evolved as a person and I intend to stay that way. To continue to grow and evolve.

But I can never stop thinking of her. She truly has my heart, and mind. Every chance my brain has 5 seconds to rest, I think of her, us, our history, our broken future.

I must clarify though that we are still having contact, and I will meet her this weekend in my apartment that I have now bought for myself. This is not at all a date, I really don’t know what to call it. I think we both miss each other but the “love is not there”.

A few weeks ago I told her in a text that I must know whether she thinks she wants to try us again, or if she prefers to end us entirely and therefore let us build a future without eachother, and force me to give up. I’m just running out of fuel, but I will and would never give her up. I wrote that text for my own well-being. Although, I plan to apologize to her, as I believe it’s not my position to pressure her and she doesn’t owe me anything.

I really need feedback on my situation. It is so heartbraking, and so tough. I really think we are “the one” but I’m running out of energy, hope and ideas.

I am so, deeply, thankful for your feedback and comments.

Thank you.

2

@Losser555 - After spending 6 years together, I wonder if you ever proposed. Although if you’re both now in your mid twenties, apparently you started dating exclusively at a very young age. You don’t state the reasons she broke up with you, but consider changing some of those things about yourself, whether you get back together or not. I know it’s not easy to give up hope, but if she is adamant about not reuniting, do NOT try to change her mind! You’ve put all your cards on the table and she already knows you want to reconcile, but it’s now her choice. I know this is heartbreaking, but please try to accept whatever happens. Good luck…

3

** you don’t state the EXACT reasons she broke up with you…

4

@patricia12

Thanks a lot of replying! I’m sorry if I was a bit vague in my original post. I will try to explain more in depth.

As for your first question - no, I never proposed. We live in Norway and it’s not as common to propose in our age as in the States, I believe. I think it felt like we had so much left to do before settling down on “the real deal” - marriage, buying a house, having children. We were both in the mindset of travelling the world together, working your career, partying, going on weekends, enjoying our “freedom”, so to speak.

The main reason for our break up was that the flame started to slowly end. We took each other for granted, and stopped going out and do activities. We both had the same hobbies, one of them being playing computer games. I think that as we could sit next to each other and play, we eventually got stuck doing just that. We were comfortable for a long time just in our own company. It was noticeable to both that this habit were strenuous to the both of us. It started to become a sister/brother relationship which was never our intent.

I firmly believe that the both of us have strong love for each other, but that the relationship was horribly mistreated. Both of us have said the same thing. But as a result of mistreating our relationship, she was just not “in love with me” anymore. It had faded away for some time prior to breaking up. My point of view is - and I of course could be very wrong - that the two of us are still a perfect match with a relationship that needs to be repaired. As we got together very young in the first place, we have had no experience on phases or how to handle this. I believe that this break up was a very much needed eye opener to be able to reach the next stages in our relationship, as being together is the only thing we know.

I’m sorry that I don’t have any real reasons, like cheating, harassing, being aggressive… there just isn’t one of those “real” reasons for our break up. We took each other for granted, the flame died and she questioned if we were really were “the one”, meant for each other. Because how could she know? How can you ever know?

For these reasons, I’m hopeful. I believe that we are absolutely right for each other and that we will be happy if we were given another shot after this eye opener. Maybe we just needed time to get out of these habits. And that if we would find each other again, we would have had the time to reflect on all the positive pillars that hold us and our relationship together and that the small part of negative parts are easily repairable and easily avoidable.

This writing is very much my own perspective, and I know this. I’m just having trouble viewing this from an “outsiders” perspective. Am I persuading myself?

I want to mention too that she is not adamant about not trying us again. The last response in this matter from her have been “I don’t know if we should give it a try. I need some space. I don’t know when I want to give it a try, if ever”.

In my mind, this tells me that she is insecure about her decision and that I have a chance to actually prove myself and being able to win her back, granted I have actually changed to being my former self (the non-take-for-granted person). But on the other hand she might not know how to put it out correctly how to actually end it. I think she knows that I wouldn’t be able to remain friends, that would be too hard for me. Maybe she don’t want to lose me as a friend since I’ve been her best friend for so many years?

And, I want to point out that if she would ask me to leave her because we would not be able to go back together, I would absolutely do so. I want her to be as happy as she possibly can be, I love her so much. I just hope to be the person that makes her that happy, because I know that I can, and I want us to share our lives and history together. Because I know her to the inner atom of her heart.

Considering all this, I’m so, so unsure about what my next steps should be. Should I try to move on and not talk with her at all? Should I do no contact for a for weeks? Or should I do something else? What could possibly be our chances of finding each other again?

I hope that this text gives you some intention of what I mean, and I am again really glad for your responses. Please don’t take this wrong, but I would of course rather appreciate true facts than encouraging facts regarding my story.

Please let me know if you wonder something else. Thanks again in advance!

5

What is your ex-girlfriend doing now? Is she going out with another guy? The reason I ask is because the “takes me for granted” reason can mean another guy is involved. It isn’t always the case but it is common.

In any case, my 2 cents would be to go no contact. Since you like to travel, take a trip somewhere. Build up your self confidence without her and deal with and face up to the loss. After that, you can decide what you want to do and she can be given the space to figure out what she wants.

And if she’s going out with someone else, she can see how that works out. I’m not giving this advice lightly, I know it is incredibly painful, worse than the loss of a limb, since it the loss of your whole outlook and what you were expecting to do in life.

6

@mr_the_ex

Thank you for joining in this thread.

If you mean that she were going out with another guy during our relationship, I highly doubt it.

If you mean currently, I have no idea actually.

Thanks for being honest, I can’t think of anything that feels worse than this situation. I will do my best to find myself, and improve myself, both if we find each other, but also if we don’t find back. But I hope we do so much it hurts.

Please feedback if you have more input, very appreciated.

Thanks!

7

@mr_the_ex
@patricia12

Hey guys, I hope that you are well.

I hope that you don’t mind an update on this situation (I understand that you do not understand my story as written above). But some things have happened since I last posted here, and I would really like your opinion on the stuff that has happened since last.

In summary, me and my ex were together for over six years, and we were top of the world for many of those years, until we at the end started to take eachother for granted, never do things for eachother anymore, and just focused on working. We never surprised eachother and the sexual relationship that once florished slowly died. My ex then broke up with me. After this, I were a GNAT and “harassed” her with texts saying how much I missed her, what wrongdoings I did, and how much I were working on myself. I know, I did all the things that I should not do. But here I am, more than 8 months after break-up and I can’t get my mind off her, and I am certain that she is The One for me. I have dated others, but nothing is home but her. But hear me out.

This is what has happened the latest 4 months or so.

After me “harassing” her with texts, she blocked me on pretty much everything. This was the first time that I gave her space and stopped texting her all-the-same. Shortly after that, we started to chat slowly again and eventually we started to meet. In the beginning, it was “because we have cats together” that were at my home, and she “wanted to meet so she could meet the cats”. This evolved into us meeting, and celebrated christmas together alone the day before Christmas, and she gladly came to my New Years Eves party along with my childhood friends (which is also her closest friends for the last 7 years or so).

After this, we started to play computer games together, on the evenings after work and such, hanging out together with mutual friends. I understand that this may not be the wisest decision, as I don’t want us to be “friends”, but everything was fun. It lead to us meeting on a greater basis, basically once a week, just watching a movie and talking.

Furthermore, we agreed that we should do something fun every week. One week it was my turn to find out something that we should do, and the next week it was her. Repeat. It was like this for about 2 months. We did Yoga, Sports, having Dinner, and other great activities. We had sleep-overs after every “activity”, but we never kissed, and we never had any sexual relation. We spooned, we gave eachother cheek-kisses.

In hindsight, I believe that I have been the one that have pressured us and saying that “this leads us back together”, making her be defensive. I have been saying things like “We are having such a good time, do you think there is ever a chance that we might take this to the next stage”, to which she replies “I don’t know” or “I couldn’t know if you are the right person or The One in the whole world”.

Eventually, after one of our activity-days we had a sleep-over, I pressured her once more saying “Do you think we have a chance of going back together” to which she said “I know that if we took the next stage, it would not work out”.

So after that, I sent her a text saying that we can not do this anymore if you are only doing this as friends, and that she knows where I am if she changed her mind or is ready to try what we can really do to repair our once-great relationship.

Shortly after that, she only sent me a text with a couple of hearts, and trying to get my attention by sending invites to mutual games that we like spending time on. But I have not talked or responded to anything yet, just ignoring that, since my text saying that “we can not do this anymore”.

So what I would really ask you for, is the following:

  • Your thoughts of my situation
  • What should be my next step

I think that if we were to do this all over again - I mean the last 4 months of doing things together, and I must say it has been so much fun and we are always having such a great time together - while me not pressuring her, and let her take the decision herself to try us, I think the outcome would be positive.

Please let me know of your thoughts of this.

Many thanks as always, you guys have been very helpful to me.

8

This is such a difficult situation to be in. It is almost worse than a firm breakup because it is a grey area where it is impossible for you to move on since she isn’t shutting the door completely.

Hearing your story, I would have assumed the original story would have been that she met another guy she found attractive and since both of you had been together for such a long time, she though she might want to “try another option”. Because of that, she made you feel like you “took the relationship for granted” and that was her justification for leaving and going out with someone else.

Please understand that was (and still is) my assumption after reading your original story but that I do not know the situation at all. I could be completely wrong. I only know the situations that I have had experience with myself or through friends. And from my experience, the above is one normal situation that happens.

There are times in a relationship where a couple pays more or less attention to each other. Work, kids, other family, health problems can all lead to a lower level of attention paid between partners. And partners work that out with each other. A good partner shouldn’t just bail out of a relationship when times get tough. Your original post said the breakup happened “suddenly”. That’s not how they should happen. If she had a problem, she should have worked with you to fix it and things should have been attempted and only after trying all options, should she have broken the relationship up. That’s how it works when both partners are serious about a relationship. Life is not a smooth and gentle stream.

It can take years to get over a breakup like you had. But, the good news is, it does get a tiny bit better every day. It is 100X worse when you have time alone, that’s when you start feeling like you should tell her something or send her something. When your mind is busy on other things, it is easier. That’s why I mentioned taking a trip. You have to occupy yourself with something other than thoughts of her to help the healing process.

The things that prevent healing are this contact you are having with her. And constant, repeated thoughts of her also help prevent the healing process.

I can’t make a decision for you but I do have some advice to give. The advice is this: you have to determine, with your logical mind, whether you really feel you can have a relationship with her like you did before. Will she be willing to do it and will you be willing to do it.

I also ask whether you would be able to do it because she broke up without warning. How are you going to deal with trust going forward, given that? She needs to work on her communication skills or whatever caused the “sudden” breakup.

If the answer is yes for both of you, you can keep doing whatever you are doing. If the answer is no, you have to help yourself by letting yourself heal. You have to overcome the emotional part of your mind and work to put bandaids on your emotional wounds and not rip them off.

Ripping them off is any contact with her. Ripping them off is sitting alone and thinking of her. Get rid of all your emails, messages and everything so you can’t read them again. That’s what helps you heal. Go out with someone else and when she enters your mind, work on other things. Over time, it will slowly get better.

I have a question. What would you advise a friend in your situation who told you the same story you told here?

9

@Losser555
Your mistakes were that you nagged her about reconciling and had sleep overs. You mentioned cheek kisses, but no intimacy which of course is all very platonic. You’ve had many great fun times together and yet she said, “I know that if we took the next stage, it would not work out”. You told her “…we can not do this anymore”, so stick to your word! Write and tell her you can NOT accept her invitation to the games and tell her not to contact you anymore! She has to learn not to take you for granted as an activity buddy! Let her get to know what life is like without you and don’t contact her again. IF, sometime in the future you two want to start seeing each other again, take it slow and don’t ask about the status of the relationship. Hugs, fun nights out (No video games), NO sleep overs, and on about the 3rd or 4th date; kiss her passionately. You have to court her all over again by being a romantic guy. Give her compliments etc…, but don’t overdo it. Right now you’re in the friend zone, but I think there’s a chance she will regain her feelings for you, but it will take time being apart without any contact for 6 months to a year. Good luck.