On my previous post i noted how i was 3 weeks on to no contact after not dealing with the break up very well at all.
i went through a stage of getting drunk turning up at her house, resulting in her not rusting me and telling me she is moving on.
so last night like an idiot i do it again, i have had a tough week. Lost my job, seriously ill and worried about that.
I went to her house and completely broke down and told her everything, nothing like i missed her or that. just about my illness and losing my job and stuff. I ended up staying and we had a very long chat this morning.
I had suspected she may be getting attention of someone else, i asked if she was chatting or speaking to anyone new. she said no, but then constantly kept bringing up a new work mates name, x this and x that. Smiling when she had a message from him.
she has said she is coming to the hospital with me for support if i like it or not.
I do not know what i should do.
The best thing to do is return to No Contact. I mean until you fully go through the minimum 1 month, it’s really hard to do anything else or even see where things go because you haven’t let that space fill back up between you two. It’s scary, trust me, I know. But it is something you have to do. Start it back up and go a straight 30 days or so until she contacts you first or it’s after the 30 days to which you can re initiate with her when you’re feeling good
what about this whole not taking no for an answer, with regards to going to the hospital with me.
i am so frustrated as i thought i was getting there, she is on holidays now for 3 weeks. that will help a lot.
the constantly mentioning this new guy she works with though, am i reading to much in to that.
thanks
What did you expect when you told her about these things would happen? Any decent person would have said the same, I would have too because I would feel bad for you. She has feelings for you still but are they strong enough to get back together with you depends on you giving her the space which you have fully not done. I get that you are going through tough times losing job is scary and health issues even worse but you need to get back on the saddle and deal with one issue at time first with the health and then with job and then figuring out a bit better way to deal with bad things than drinking because as a woman that to me is a warning sign about a guy. Right now it seems your way of dealing with bad news is getting drunk and dropping a mother load on her first with the breakup and now with these issues. You need to rely on other people at the moment and not put this on her. Sorry if this sounds bit harsh but it feels a bit like emotional blackmail on perspective of a girl because you know she still cares but she also deserves a chance to decide that herself that she wants to be with you not because you are going are going around there when you a drunk and telling how hard things are for you. I am sure you are scared and I really hope that this health issue is something minor and easily sorted out when it comes to our health it makes normally other things pale in comparison so I really hope you concentrate on dealing with that and putting your efforts into it. Then you can start looking for a new job when you know your health issue is getting sorted.
Regarding her taking no for an answer I think you need to let her come with you since you put in her shoulders your worries, she would feel guilty not being there because she cares, you dont stop caring over night once you break up with a man. But once this appointment is over you need to say thank you and do nc for you and for her. You owe her a chance to and time to figure out are you the man she really wants to be with or not and if you keep doing this showing up drunk she will not come back. Because it makes you look like you have drinking issue. And you for your sake need to sort out these issues you have now and also think about a better way to deal with difficult stuff that life throws at you than alcohol cos that aint no answer. You sound like a decent guy but I think you just have lost your way bit more than you think and you need to find yourself again.
Again I am sorry if above feels to you real harsh but I am giving you my honest opinion and you can feel free to ignore it : ).
@finntoga
I have to agree with everything you have said, I don’t know why I just turned to going out because I felt terrible. She doesn’t need to see me like that and I wasn’t intentionally trying to blackmail her.
All she wanted to see was that I am not reliant on anyone. This new guy thing I really am not sure what to think about that, but she seems happy.
I was doing so well with the no contact, hen I just go and act like an idiot.
This site is invaluable and I appreciate all the advise.
So I’ll take her tomorrow and then start back no contact.
I did not think it was intentional at all that is why I said you need to get to the bottom of what is driving you to do these things before acting on them. I believe you are a good guy and have the heart in the right place and I dont think this is totally hopeless with her either. But she needs to be able to make that decision for her and you need to be mentally in much stronger place to be able to give her what she needs and the only person who can get you there is you with some support of course but right now it just is best for both of you.The new guy probably makes her feel good about herself anf stress free all things like that do in the beginning. It does not mean she will embark on a relationship with him none of knows how she feels deep down about him. She has feelings for you still so if she is smart she will work those out first but it means you need to work on you not for her but for you.
I really am cheering for you here and I believe you can do this, deal with these issues one at the time starting health, then job and then honestly I think you need to see someone to find alternative ways to deal with serious issues. I know drinking seems like an easy option at the specific moment but it wrecks things as you can see : ). Once you feel good about yourself you can show her what an amazing guy you are and remind her of it again : ). If universe has meant you two together then she will come back that is the way it goes.
Really appreciate this advise, really struggling to show an upbeat positive vibe. Due to thinking the worst about my health, I am taking it from a friend who cares about someone perspective.
Then once she has come with me and showed support explain I am sorry to have forced the contact. I think we should both keep our distance for a while.
Update after today.
Advice would be great.
So after a full day at the hospital and she insisted on coming. She somehow managed to keep me relaxed, few awkward moments but nothing we couldn’t laugh about.
We basically just joked and laughed most of the day and I payed a lot of interest in to her new business venture. I didn’t want to talk about the hospital to much.
I am back at the hospital tomorrow and she has asked if I would like her to go. Not sure what to do. Not sure if I should thank her for caring and initiate no contact again.
She made a passing comment today saying some of the stuff at the hospital will give her ammo for a month down the line.
She also goes away to weddings for the next two weeks. So would this be a good time to NC and leave it on a somewhat happy note.
I think you should thank her and say you appreciate her supporting you through today but you know she might be busy so you will be fine to go to hospital alone tomorrow. Then I think you should start the nc and leave it for awhile so yes you had the right idea because if she now leaves for the weddings and the last moment between you two before that is positive that is what she will think about when she is at the weddings so your own plan sounds good. I am keeping my fingers crossed for your appointment and that means there are people out here sending positive vibes for you: ).Keep positive mindset and there will be good things coming your way.
She was also there today when I had a formal offer for a new job already, I couldn’t help but be excited about the new job.
Thanks Finn, you have been a star.
So I am going to write this.
Thanks again for coming today, you have a lot of work on and I don’t want to pull you away from that. However if there is any major developments I will let you know. I hope you have a nice trip home for the weddings.
That is amazing news about a job congrats. I told you positive out look and great things happen. So pleased for you. The text sounds fine to me. It looks like you are taking ownership of things and especially with the job offer and all it makes you look more of the guy she fell in love with so keep up the work. Well done : ).Onwards and upwards as they say.
So I was waiting for her to reply to the messages we where having last night. She initiated a conversation, feels like we are both trying to not come across to keen and just keeping it friends. Then she just stopped replying. Like she is trying to get me to have the last word.
Gonna send the message this morning then go back to no contact. That put a dampener on yesterday, but I get why she closes down.
God I wish I could understandwomen, this one is a particular emotional retard as am I. Past few days has really made me realise that I have to get back to the postitive me and not get the run of the mill stuff drag me down. It also reinforced that, she is my best friend as well as the love of my life. I have to just keep making positive steps.
This was the messages this morning.
Me:Morning,
I will let you know the results today if that’s ok. Just heading over to get the ultra sound now. Thanks for coming yesterday, helped massive amounts.
You got loads on by the looks of yesterday so don’t want to pull you away from work. That’s more important than waiting around hospitals.
Have a safe flight home and hope the weather holds up for the weddings. Tell Chris to keep it together for your sake lol.
Oh and hope gemma is ok as well.
Her:
I haven’t got loads on, I would have come with you, silly sausage.
Let me know what they say today, it will be fine. X
So the no contact thing isn’t going to plan, she has been messaging back and forth today. Checking how things went at the hospital. Also she helped me tweak my cv her idea not mine. So I needed up seeing her again.
Which then led me to give her one of her late arrivals of a bday present. Her response was this.
Thank you for the dress, it’s lovely. May be a wedding contender x
I asked if it fits ok and pat on the back for me
Then I got.
Yeah it fits really well, need my mum to adjust around the boob area for me as normal but length is perfect! X
Shall i just wish her a safe trip tomorrow night, not reply until then.
Then whilst she is away just keep no contact.
Yes, do that. Only wish her safe journey and then keep contact minimum . This is very good sign that she is contacting you on her own free will the hospital thing you guys being friendly and just having easy time together, listening to her and then giving her the space is working. Continue this way as she is now contacting you more and the fact that if you take it easy and come accross as confident guy who can handle stuff it reminds her of the guy she fell in love it. So just take it very easy and slow. : ) I will keep my fingers crossed.
Hi guys, I trie to find the perfect time to wish her a good time away. But the no contact the last two days hasn’t worked. She has been messaging, I was doing well till I offered to lend her something to go home. She messaged me first today asking if I had spoken to my new employer about details.
Then was really funny banter all day, she went out tonight and is a bit tipsy. So is late packing for her trip. Messages me to say sorry she was out for drinks so couldn’t message. Etc. I have only been replying when I get the message from her but not really straight away.
So just finally got the message in saying thank you etc, she replies don’t be silly, you would have done the same for me x.
I feel a bit like I have been friendzoned.
Why do you think you are Friendzoned? I dont see that in her messages. You just are so over analyzing every single step you take which is good and also bad. Basically you left it in a really good note with her, it was perfect what she responded to you… you just have to remember that when working your way back has to be slooooooooowwwww process you have to take the smallest steps even thought your heart is telling you to run. You are now dealing with this just the way you should. You keep calm, keep contact minimum but upbeat when it happens as she needs to see positive you, you need to let her know the results as it is not nice to let her worry. Let her enjoy this time away, dont text her anything unless she sents you something first. In the meantime work on the things about yourself that you need to. I think this is all very positive so far. Stop doubting yourself and just continue slowly.
Finn, you have helped no end. Is this really cheeky. Could we email a bit as she messaged me up until she flew this morning. Now radio silence.
j a s o n _ g r i f f in 26 at hot mail dot co dot UK
Sorry if that is cheeky
No probs I will email you shortly so you get my email and we can talk more about your situation.