@dee.dasneves Be sweet and be fun! And don’t ask any questions as to how he feels about you!!!
I’m curious as to what he wants to buy, but you don’t have to tell me (lol).
Good luck:)
Hey patricia!
So the stuff he needed to buy was one again some vape related stuff ? the interaction of me giving him the lift went really well, he held my arm for a little when we made a detour to the shop.
After I dropped him off at home he texted me said ‘you look really great!’ I kinda brushed it off by saying just thanks.
A couple of hours later he texted ‘aren’t you missing sex? I know I am.’ I lost my momentum and asked if he wants to come over to chill, I said I don’t know about sex but we could always spend some time together and see what happens.
He then said it was more of a statement than trying to make plans, and he s already in bed with the heater on (it’s winter by us). I then said oh well if you wanna arrange a cuddle session maybe we could talk. And he said yeah we could possibly make plans this weekend.
I feel a little led on and stupid afterwards. We are kinda silent with each other at the moment but I guess he will make plans in the next couple of days.
Should I sleep with him? I want to but I am scared of getting into a limbo situation again. ??
@dee.dasneves Saying thank you for his compliment was the appropriate response. However, asking him over to your place after he asked if you missed sex was not a good response! It makes you appear as chasing/pursuing him and not only that, it seems he’s only interested in having sex with you. Then you even made it worse by asking if he wanted to arrange a cuddle session!
NO, don’t sleep with him! I understand you want to, but he’s not your boyfriend anymore. Instead of a house visit, suggest going for a walk or something that wouldn’t suggest or lead to sex. He thinks of you OR he’s going to start thinking of you as a friend with benefits lady.
@dee.dasneves I’m sure you must know that vaping is harmful to your health in addition to being addictive. And there are other chemicals associated with it that adversely affect the heart and lungs…
I’m on the west coast of the United States. It’s getting warmer & warmer as we approach summer.
Where are you?
Oh wow lucky!! I could trade anything for a summer day now! We are in Cape Town South Africa, corona and winter cold font is whipping our asses now ? I hope you guys are keeping safe!! Saw all the madness going on in the US?
And yes, I definitely don’t want him to see me as a friend with benifits, we have gone through that for 6 months, it was awkward. However with lock down in place and our country being really messed up with crime, ‘taking a walk’ or anything in public other than going to the shop wouldn’t be a wise thing to do. Even if I suggest going to the shop or mall together, I highly doubt he would take me up on it purely for the sake of safety since we are the epicenter of South Africa.
Last night after I ‘lost my momentum’ I double texted him a couple of times (I wasn’t really chasing or showing desperation, mainly like just I suddenly remembered something else after 5 minutes then I texted again), he kinda lightly pulled away, took a little longer than usual to respond etc (I know he was at home in bed, most likely wasn’t busy at all). At the end he mentioned tinder cause we were both on it and saw each other. He kinda complaint about how weird people are on there and he ‘didn’t’ enjoy it. By the sound of it, I think he was asking for validation that I am also off it, I didn’t make a comment and just ignored his last message saying ‘lol yeah tinder is filled with absolutely horrendous people.’
So I guess my question still remains, if given that we can’t really do any activities in public, do I just decline him if he wants to make plans to come over to my house? Or do I lay out boundaries and go with it?
I feel like he will most likely bring up the sex again soon and that’s when I d approach with ‘ I don’t feel comfortable with being intimate if you not down to reconcile the relationship’? Or should I just go with it, once we are more ‘stable’ I will bring up the boundaries then? I don’t really wanna push for a title right now, I kinda want to casually date and ease back into a relationship.
Thank you for your input!!
@dee.dasneves Stop initiating contact!! At this point I’m sure he thinks you’re desperate to see him.
The protesting (regarding the death of George Floyd in Minneapolis) is taking place in a few large cities all over the US, but I’m in a smaller town and I don’t see any protests. And due to the COVID-19 lock down, not many stores are open except gas stations and grocery stores. Are you saying it’s not safe to take a walk outside due to crime? And the malls aren’t safe due to the virus &/or crime? As to Tinder, I think he was just making a simple comment about the weird people…
You wrote:“And yes, I definitely don’t want him to see me as a friend with benifits, we have gone through that for 6 months, it was awkward”. Sorry to say, but it seems he still sees you as a FWB!
Don’t say you’re not comfortable with sex unless he reconciles with you because that sounds like an ultimatum. Just say, “I’m growing more and more uncomfortable having sex with you because I’m losing respect for myself. I enjoy seeing you and if you want to see me, we won’t be having sex”. That should do it. Then you’ll find out soon enough if he’s just using you…
Hey patricia! I am really glad to hear you are not affected by the riot. Things like that happens in our country too and it’s absolutely scary to be around.
And yes, people have grown more and more desperate by day here in our country, 1 out of 3 people is starving as we speak, so walking in public is an unnecessary safety hazard. Street robberies happen every 20 minutes and the police aren’t doing anything about it.
I have left him alone today and he hasn’t reached out, its 3 pm by us, but I am convinced that he will reach out very soon. If he initiates coming over, I will stick to my words and just to ‘spend some time together’ see what he says! I ve given some thoughts and I think you are totally right! I can’t give in so easily and do the ‘girlfriend’ stuff when we are not dating. Regardless I will hold back on the sex part. If he shows that he can offer me what I want, I d give him what he wants ??
Will update!
@dee.dasneves Good luck and remember, don’t drag out conversations via text, just answer appropriately and end it…
Hey patricia!
So guess unfortunately this will be the last update in a while just thought you would be interested to see how things unfolded.
After I ignored his last message last week I thought I should sit back and wait for him to initiate since we flirted and joked so well and he even said we should make plans to cuddle. 6 days later I couldn’t hold back no more and reached out with ‘hey how s first week at work?’ Thought the reason he didn’t message was because he s busy.
He waited a whole day and a half and texted back said ‘have been good and you?’
I said oh nice! I figured you d be quite busy this first week
And he replied, lol have been working throughout the lock down, but still going to the office twice a week (meaning he was at home this whole time that he was ignoring me)
And I just left it like that. Don’t know if I was too ‘enthusiastic’ about his initial statement about sex or if he simply just found someone else. But by the look of it he s very much disinterested, guess I am back in indefinite no contact again. ??♀️?
Thank you for your support! Will update if anything new happens
i know I am pretty fxcked in this situation ?, I once again pushed him, I genuinely thought it was okay to invite him since we had a good thing going on and we ve always met up quickly for reconciliation after regain contact. I thought the ‘lift’ was an invitation.
when he mentioned sex I instantly invited him over, I did say I am not sure about sex but we could spend some time together. But I guess it doesn’t really matter. I think it was more a test from him to see if I am still hooked? and I failed terribly, plus all the mysteries I created in 6 weeks of no contact are all gone?
i really planned this carefully but when it came to doing it I just couldn’t. I spoke to a friend today and he said the only thing I could do is just let the universe take control and stop resisting it. Everything I ve done, every word I ve said in the past 4 months to him have got some what a motive or a game plan behind it. I am so tired of this and I think he feels my unauthentic energy too.
I wonder if that’s also what he meant all along by go with the flow don’t rush things? Just let things unfold instead of sabotaging it or pushing it like what I always do? Every single message there was a ‘trick him into saying or doing this’ motive behind it?
I guess doing nothing and focus on myself is clearly the only thing I can do now and I really have some serious work to do on myself ??♀️ I love him, I really hope things can somehow one day work out between us.
If you ever believe in prayers and don’t mind, I know this is silly but please add me to your prayers just wish I have things naturally unfold for me ???
@dee.dasneves You can not trick or talk a guy into wanting to be with you! Either he wants you or he doesn’t. Right now it seems he’s not interested.
Yes, focus on yourself and try to change how you interact with guys. They will run away if you’re pushing them too hard too fast. They will also run if you’re needy/clingy. Playing games by trying to trick or manipulate them won’t work either.
Prayers for you to find happiness and fulfillment in life and love:)
Take care and stay safe…
Hey patricia!
Sorry just the last thing I wanted your opinions on. Date back to my first update, I mentioned that I borrowed something from him. It is still in my possession and I said I would get him something from a friend, cause I was going to her that day and he gladly said yes please I would love that(it is thick winter socks that he has been talking about for months ?) it is on gifting terms. I said I would handle the bill and he just said thanks.
I forgot to bring it when we met up for the lift, and he said he would still really love it but gotta have to collect it next time he comes over.
I wanna cut all ties ASAP since his attitude at the moment is quite clear, I don’t want him to one day reach out and be like please can I have have e-cig back while giving me the wrong ideas. So I am planning on returning it soon (mine will be fixed in about 10 days from now)
At this point I am obviously not hoping a pair of socks could get him back or make any difference, like you said, tricking or manipulating will never work. With that being said… should I still pack the socks along with the e-cig? Or would a ‘gift’ be too ass-kissing now? Ps. It’s obviously man size so I can’t wear it, can’t return it nor give to ‘another friend’ either, that’s the only reason I am considering giving it to him.
Lol I slept on it and realized giving him the socks would still some sort of sabotaging, I wouldn’t be able to do it with zero expectations. I would still hope that he can reach out because of that, which he probably will, but will only be about that.
So yeah, guess I am in no contact No. 3 now ?
@dee.dasneves On April 29th you wrote:“I then dragged it on using ‘tricks’ like offering him gifts etc…” OMG and now the socks. You can give them to your father or a male friend or throw them in the trash. OR you could send them along with the E-cigarette in the mail when you get yours back 10 days from now… If he contacts you with small talk, just reply that you’re sending him those things in the mail. Then start no contact again.
Don’t initiate contacts, don’t invite him over, and don’t do him any favors!! (ex. driving him somewhere). You have to learn that guys won’t like you just for doing them favors or buying them things and sorry, it’s really pathetic to think or do so…
Hey patricia!
Yes I also realized it’s quite ass-kissing as in getting him gifts trying to buy him back… and he knows this too. He even some times intensionally turn the gifts down cause he knows gifting is one of my ultimate trick…
I ve thought about it, I am just gonna put his device in a bag, leave it at his security and call it a day, the security will reach out to him.
Wish me luck!! ???
@dee.dasneves Don’t know why the second part of your name isn’t blue (lol). Maybe it’s because after dee there’s a period.
What does leave it at his security mean???
Lol so 2 hours ago he reached out ?
He replied to my Whatsapp status made an inside joke, I didn’t see for over an hour and he double texted, ‘how are you?’
I simply said hey I am fine hope you have a good week ahead and left like that. Seems like he s hot and cold, I have to detach to even think about making this work otherwise I will forever be desperate and never feel satisfied ?
And we are in South Africa as mentioned before, we have security guards and patrol at every estate, like a reception for apartment buildings? I don’t know if it’s an usual thing in the US to have security guards at the entrance of estates/ complexs?
@dee.dasneves No “security guards” at entrance of apartment complexes. But some luxurious rental places or homes do have gating around the perimeter and a main entrance gate through which to enter the area by the resident using a code. Some senior living complexes have gates with someone standing there to ask if the senior person knows you’re there for a visit and will call the senior and give your name to get permission to pass through the gate…
I have an idea that the guard will not walk to his place to give him the bag, but will call him to come up to the gate to retrieve it. Why not just send the stuff through the mail??
I’m glad you cut it short, but these casual contacts from him are going/leading nowhere. You should have told you will send the stuff via mail or drop off with the guard in a few days.
If you really want to detach to give your emotions time to calm down, you would tell him not to contact you for at least a month!! The time will also give you time to consider if he deserves to be with you…
Hey patricia!
So after he reached out last time replying to my Whatsapp status… we continued talking daily this whole week, he always initiates early in the morning and we ve been having fantastic chats for a good couple of hours daily, today is my birthday and 3 days ago he mentioned it, asked me how will I spend it, since we in quarantine it is a given that I will be at home… He then hinted that he might come ‘say hi’ but will let me know and I said that’s fine.
Late last night he texted and said hey, sorry I can’t make it tomorrow, hope you getting lots of spoils. I then asked if he s working late, and he ignored(I know he has been busy this week, his colleague also confirmed that, his colleague came to my house with his permission to fetch something for work and mentioned work has been madness).
Early this morning he wished me happy birthday, I said thanks and later on he asked how has the day been. I just said it has been great hope work is too and left as that. He has read it also just left it.
Do you think this is hot and cold behavior? Or is he just being friendly and out of curtesy? Is there any other way that I could stop him from doing this other than telling him I wanna do a longer ‘no contact’?
Sorry just wanted to add, he indeed hasn’t been online much. According to his ‘last seen online’ on Whatsapp he hardly goes on, probably once every 2-3 hours(normally he goes on every 20 minutes and it has only been this week). So I do wanna give him the benifits of the doubt that he really is busy at work.
Also on Wednesday (2 days ago) we were joking around, and he mentioned that I used to bring him coffee from this place close to my work. He said he really misses that coffee and if I could bring it to him again he will give me this one item of his that I ve always wanted. Although I turned him down, he still said if I ever change my mind he s just one coffee away. Then he hinted that he may come over for my birthday. I read that as he wants to meet up? But then he pulled away and even ignored my message asking if he s working late after he said he couldn’t make it? Omg my head hurts ??