TL;DR my ex wants nothing to do with me seemingly but i need her back
Long story short, I met this girl during finals week of last semester at a party. She came up to me and was all over me from the start. She was absolutely beautiful, with amazing dark hair and eyes. She had a sweet and shy personality, and came from a really sheltered background. Things hit off pretty well, but I was very busy at the time and didnt pay much attention to her but she texted me all the time and basically chased me. Over the summer, we texted back and forth a few times but she was usually the one texting first and I never bothered to see her. Fast forward to August, and we immediately started hanging out all the time, going home from the bar together, and texting each other back and forth. Once again, she was the one doing most of the chasing.
As things went on, however, I came to fall in love with how much she truly cared about me. She tried to help me with my substance issues, took care of me when i was sick, and always asked me if i needed anything or was ok. she even used to make me breakfast every morning after we’d hook up, and even though she was a terrible cook, i would choke it down with a smile because i appreciated her so much. As time went on, i showed more and more affection toward her and started doing things like texting her first, buying her dinner, kissing her on the forehead when she slept, and telling her how much i loved her. but she sometimes responded to this in a passive aggressive way and didnt seem to appreciate the affection as much as i thought she would. however, she kept wanting to hang out during the day and do relationship-like things all the time.
One day at work, i got a text from her saying “i think were moving too fast and too deep in a relationship and thats not what im looking for”. I responded politely, and we kept texting and talking like nothing happened. then we had a long talk about what our relationship was and she claimed she wanted to go back to being just a hookup. I confessed my love for her and she replied that we “should end it while were ahead”, but that “anything could happen in the future”.
i spent the next week in a deep depression. I couldnt eat, sleep, or focus on school and work. However, one night at the bar, she came up and started talking to me and went home with me. I was so relieved and happy to have her back. It lasted three weeks. We texted and hung out like before, however her behavior became more erratic and passive aggressive. She’d do things like abruptly ask to go home while we were watching a movie together, or refuse to give me a kiss goodbye when i dropped her off at work (however, shed always apologize later for being “awkward”). The second-to-last night we spent together, however, was perfect. She acted like she did at the beginning, we had sex and cuddled, and talked for hours about ourselves. i told her all about my childhood history of abuse, my anxiety issues, and a bunch of other very personal stuff. she also told me a few of her secrets and we held each other until we both fell asleep. The last night was ok, but she seemed kind of off for some reason and suggested that she might go home as soon as she got to my house, even though she told me she was excited to see me a few hours earlier. We didnt have sex but just cuddled, and i promised to drive her to work in the morning.
i woke up and she was gone, and my pajamas, which shed been wearing, were folded up on the foot of my bed. Then, her texts became one word responses and she started avoiding me in public. I pulled her aside at one of my frats parties and asked her what was going on and she said she was “just over it” and that i liked her more than she liked me and that she “didnt want to lead me on”. i was devastated. i gave her her clothes back and cut ties for a week, until she showed up again. i tried to talk to her casually but she just seemed awkward and avoidant. i broke down and told her i missed her, with tears in my eyes. she responded “i just dont miss you” with a nasty smile on her face. I began to panic and raised my voice, and then she got mad and told me that “i have to move on” and that she was over with me. i asked her why she was being so cold and she just started walking away. I screamed at her and told her to never come to my frat’s house again and called her some names which im not proud of. i then punched a wall so hard i broke my hand and had to have surgery a week later.
after the incident, her friends started to give me the cold shoulder and she completely stopped talking to me. they told me she was scared of me and didnt want to see me. i sent her a long, well thought apology asking to be friends and put the relationship and the situation behind us. however, she just sent me a short response of “thanks for reaching out and were cool”. she kept ignoring me and i accepted that it was over. however, she sent me an accidental text on purpose a week later (she texted me asking how i was doing then said it was meant for someone else 2 hours later). i didnt respond, thinking that she wouldnt want to hear from me. she continued to ignore me in public and i ignored her, only glancing at her with the corner of my eye. yesterday, i heard from her friends that i wasnt welcome at her house’s parties anymore. i went home and cried for hours. the whole time i had held on to hope that maybe i could get her back somehow. now, im sitting here thinking of how i could possibly get her back. please dont tell me to move on. i need her in my life more than anything else. i cant bear to see her all the time (i go to a very small college) and not be with her. i think she may be hooking up with someone new, but im not completely sure. any advice would help.