hi! apologies that this might be a longer post. i am 24f and he’s 24m, we were together for 1.5 years. we went to high school together (with his twin sister) and were all friendly. i moved away for college and randomly, i decided to text them and ask to catch up. all three of us got dinner and two months later, he texted me and asked if he could fly to my city to take me on a date. it went wonderful, we began long distance (with him living in my hometown) and had a really great relationship. we had fights, but not any problems. we always said that what we had was special and we hadn’t ever felt like this before. we both had never talked about marriage with anyone else and often discussed our future. we made plans for me to move home in july 2026 to take the next steps.
we broke up in october and september was a little rocky for us. i’ve come to realize i’m anxiously attached and was certainly projecting onto him and expecting him to appease my anxieties instead of trying to work on it myself. i was excited to move home, but definitley nervous. we got in two fights in september and both of them were bigger than they should’ve been. it made me anxious that he wouldn’t do these simple things for me when i was about to uproot my life for him and i didn’t want to move home just to break up. i told him as much. i wish i’d said it differently or more delicately.
in september, we had a conversation about both of us having doubts. we talked it through and by the end of it, we agreed we felt more confident in our relationship going forward. from that point on, our communication was really on point and we were back to where we were in august. september had been our only rocky month ever.
i went on a trip in october where our timezones would be mismatched. we only got to call so often but we texted a lot. something about him seemed a little off and i couldn’t place it, so i asked if he was okay a few times and he always said yes. when i returned from the trip, i asked him and he got frustrated and kind of snapped at me. it was the only time he’d ever spoken to me poorly. we both apologized and he said i had his whole heart and we were totally okay.
that night, we were facetiming for a few hours. we were strategizing how i’d tell my boss that i wanted to be remote and making plans for his trip to see me the following week. i eventually said that i was sorry for continually asking if we were okay and i’d work on it and i trusted that if something was wrong, he’d tell me. he said nothing to that and when i asked if he had any thoughts on the matter, he said he didn’t think we were ready for us to move home and wasn’t sure if we felt the same way about each other. this was a complete blindside. we probably spoke for ten more minutes then he hung up on me.
i flew home to try to fix it. we met in person and it was so confusing. he kept saying he had a “gut feeling” and “had doubts",” but when i asked if he had doubts about me specifically, he said no. when i asked if there was something he was unhappy about in our relationship, he said no. he said he couldn’t pinpoint any of it. he said i was one in a million, i set the bar extremely high, and didn’t think we’d find our relationship again. he said he loved me still but he thinks its just different now but couldn’t elaborate and would really miss me. i said i really wanted to be part of his family and he said he really wanted to be part of mine. he then said he just needed some time to think about it all. i took back the scrapbook i made him and left. a few days later when we spoke on the phone (i initiated), he said the decision was made and he hid a goodbye letter in the scrapbook for me.
i was really distraught and confused. so i told him i wanted my letters back too and my friends would pick it up. but then i wrote him a long email, explaining how i felt about him, how i didn’t understand, etc. and i said at the end, i’d be the one to pick up the letters and if the door was firmly shut, leave them in the mailbox. otherwise, come outside. he came outside and he said he just didn’t know what he wanted or what the future could hold. he said he’d always be rooting for me and didn’t want to lead me on when he was so unsure.
i went back to nyc, and we spoke on the phone (again my bad i initiated). he said he missed me too, but he was relieved to not have a big decision to make anymore. i asked if he was relieved to be away from me and he said not at all. that he had the urge to call. afterward, he texted me and asked me not to call because it’d make things harder for the both of us. i haven’t spoken to him since and have been no contact for 32 days.
i have two instagrams–a personal one and a bookstagram that i just use to post aobut books i’ve read. he followed both. he was liking every post and viewing every story (which was unusual for him because he doesn’t really use social media) so i removed him as a follower from both and unfollowed him for my own mental health.
recently, he’s starting viewing the stories on my bookstagram daily. i came home for thanksgiving and i saw him at a bar and tried to avoid him, but i think he saw me, too. he hadn’t viewed my stories before i left for the bar at 10pm or when i got home at 2am. but when i woke up the next morning, he’d seen all of them. and immediately viewed whatever i posted that day.
he’s been posting on his stories too which is just so weird for me. liking breakup songs, too. i’m so beyond confused about what happened. i’m continuing the no contact, but i don’t know how to heal when i don’t really understand why we broke up.
i feel like he’s trying to get my attention or that he misses me with all the story views because he has to manually look me up to even see those stories. seeing him at the bar sent a shock through me and i don’t feel confident or strong to reach out right now, even though i really want to.
i’d love any sort of insight anyone has here or advice. i’m really struggling. i want him back, but i really really want to feel better, too.