How to fill the void?

How to fill the void after break up? I v been broke up with my ex for a month and we didn’t talked 28 days . Then I did contacted him , and seemed like he happy with me and wants me back. We did socialized 3 weeks . Yesterday when we had lunch , he tald me that he moved on , and he doesn’t wants anything with me any more . And I am not satisfying him like a partner.
All those 5 times when we seen each other he tried having sex with me ,but I was not give him that . I asked yesterday ,why then you tried to have sex with me than if you don’t see future and don’t won’t to be with me? He said I am sorry , I was wrong , I don’t know why I did that.I am just a man . We want sex . So basacly we got broke up again . I did everything possible to improve this relationship, but he moved on so fast , I can’t believe it’s possible . He tald me that he love me and I could see that myself for 11,5 month . He did show me that with actions . And just 28 days without seeing me ,he already moved on and stopped love me .How is possible that fast ? I just don’t understand. I feel now disappeared, broken, depressed. I have no disare to live , creat, smaile. I had hope about this relationship , I had hope he still does love me. And his action tald me that he still wants to be with me . Yesterday he tald me directly that he is not . Why he did that to me ? Why he pretend he wants to be with me ? He hurt me so much .He just took my hope. I had hope for 3 weeks , now I don’t . All I do now I cry and cry and cry . I even can’t stop. I don’t know how to live now ? Everything reminds me about him and us. My district (we are neighbors with him.)All bars , all restorants , stores -all! Even all in my room. Toys he bought for me , clothes he bought for me ,camera , vine, books everything . I can’t throw away all. I can’t believe he forgot me and stopped love me so fast, 28 days ! And that’s it. How is possible ? Why he gave me that hope? And took it away ?
I have nothing left , no hope , no happiness. I have only void. Void and hopelessness. Two thing.
Why he did that to me? How to fill the void if there is no desire to live ?How to fill the void if all remind me about him? How to fill the void if there is no hope for happiness ?

Hi Karina

If your boyfriend moved on in just 28 days, the truth is, his feelings may never have been so strong to start with. Trust me, nobody who is truly in love can move on so fast.
Has he entered another relationship? Is he dating someone else?

I know you are hurting and very upset. As a result, you will not think clearly right now.
So take time away from him - start NC immediately but do not do it just with the hope that one day he will realise that he is love with you and will come back. Do it for yourself - you are the one who was emotionally abused by this man, you are the one who needs to recover. If I were you, I would pack all the things he gifted me into a box and put it away. It helps focus away from him. When you start the NC, resist the temptation of contacting him - do not do it. Instead, talk to your family or best friends, pour out your sorrows to them. Start going out more, get some fresh air from this entire story- perhaps you can travel somewhere, maybe visit some relative in a different town or country? Take up something you wanted to do - maybe learning something new, going to the gym, or a dance class…socialise with your friends more.
You will see that life will get easier once you survive the first few weeks without him.

There are no fixed guidelines on how “to fill the void” - you will need to experiment and see what works for you. Everyone is different in their coping strategies. Whenever I feel hurt and upset, I write letters to my ex - and I never post them. I tell myself every day that I am strong enough to get over this, that by all signs he may not love me as much as I love him so why would I want to be with someone like that in the first place? That would never work out anyway… this self-talk works wonders for me; while it does not make me happy, it keeps me from wanting to reach out to him.

See what works for you. Good luck!

LauraH ,thanks for support. I can’t think clear anymore . Yes it’s very good point .If he did moved on within 28 days he never loved me .Its very good point. Idea with travaling is very good. But I just been to Mexico.Read my story please here https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/help-me-please-10/
I think it’s all my fault. He treated me very nice , I am the one who been wrong about thing. I the one who didn’t compromised. And he probably got tired of that one day.But after I started contacting him and see him I changed and compromised . But it was too late. He moved on.
I don’t know about if he stared date some one or not . But yes he acting weird. Especially after one of the party he been too. I have feeling like he must met somebody there. Because before this party he did seemed like he still interested in me .Now not . I asked him directly yesterday ;" did you met someone and staring dating? " He said no. He said ;I just want to start new life , work a lot , I sell my house ( he lives there for 16 years) See my friends and bla bla bla. I really didn’t understand what’s going on with him. He completely changed within 28 days. Seems like he trying get rid of everything what what he had when we been together . I don’t understand why is like this ? Is he panishing me for something ? I guess I offended him so deep that he can’t forgive me.?

I think both of you are hurting a lot at the moment and there is no point trying to talk and ask for explanations. He will not be able to explain to you much right now. This is why, doing a long NC will help both you understand what went wrong with the relationship. If feelings are intense and the connection between you two is strong, there is nothing to worry about; he will also want to see you again in a few months and perhaps give the relationship another try. But you need to be patient, mind your own life for now and stop chasing him for explanations. It’s not only a waste of time but also a waste of energy and strength. Start focusing on yourself (without him) - take it one day at a time and you will see, things will start getting better.

You are right .I don’t think he will get back of course , he is not that kind of person .
See ,once he moved on , he moved on. I have to stop contacting him again . Just for myself. And try to recover my life and myself.
I did all I could, there is nothing I can do any more. If he is still mad or can’t forgive me for something , it’s not my problem , it’s probably his. I must leave him along. And you are right about that , I should stay away from man who doesn’t love me enough.

Dear Karina,

You are not alone in this! My ex told me the exact same things: I don’t love you anymore, I’ve moved on, you’re not good for me, I love someone else. I know that every time you hear that, your heart drops and you want to rip it out of your chest. And yes, he did move on very fast, making me question the intensity of his love to begin with. Did he never love me? Does he love her more than me? Is that possible? You can drive yourself crazy with these questions. Your wounds are still fresh, I’ve been in this no man’s land for almost 2 years now. So allow me to share some advice from someone who’s been through this already.

First: don’t ever blame yourself! It’s not your fault. Of course you made mistakes. But it’s never one person’s fault. And remember, you loved him no matter what, you accepted him with all his mistakes and vices. Why couldn’t he do the same? Why was it easier for him to give up rather than work thru issues? I think that tells more about his personality than yours. Did he communicate well with you when you had fights? My ex totally shut me out every time we argued, he never wanted to talk about it and preferred to ignore issues until he “calmed down”. So it’s no wonder that he prefered just giving up and moving on fast when things got rough. You need to accept it and stop blaming yourself.
Second: you need to mirror his behavior. He moved on? Tells you he’s done? Do the same. Disappear from his life completely. No contact, no social media, just disapper. I did that for 8 months and I can’t tell you how much that helped. Not only was I able to truly move on but for the first time in 1,5 years since we broke up he just reached out to me last week. He probably realized that I moved on and it must feel strange to him. Must feel weird that I’m not begging, trying to talk, telling him I still love him etc. It doesn’t mean he wants me back of course but at least he’s curious. At least he sees I’ve changed and maybe he respects me for that. I guarantee your ex will reach out too if you stop talking to him. But by the time he does, you will already be a new person and you won’t feel the same anymore, trust me.
Good luck and stay brave and strong!

Dear Divinegirl.
First of all thank you for support and nice words . It’s really helps a lot.
Unfortunately in my case scenario I was the person who didnt composited . He did ,almost all the time , he was the person who listened more then Talk .I am the person who been angry and mad more then him. And I was the person who distorted all. He has nice calm personally . He is more calm then me . We are like + and -. If he criticized me wich he did a lot a was not able to listen calm and was getting it to emotions. Cry or yell or getting offended. He was the person who always say sorry , let’s compromise, let’s talk . What I really had problem with in that relationship it’s -his friends . When we are together his him I had influence on him , he listens me, once he spent time with all his friends he stars criticism. My friends said that about you , or that . It’s really got me upset of so much . All his the best friends are engaged or married. He is 41 !I am 32 .
I left him for 28 days and I lost him. They ( friends ) wone him. They never liked me for some reason, and now he is listening them!Thats what I think . When I saw him two day ago and we talked he stared with; you not my girlfriend, we broked up still , we not good couple , we not get along, we not good match . Then when I stared talk and explain that’s I sorry I was wrong about some things and I am ready for compromise and I think our relationship has chance. He stared worming up again and said he need to think about it. His mood change positive way and he said he will think a little about it and soon let me know . When we said good buy each other he hugged ,kiss me and said he looking forward to seeing me today after he will finish exercise with his friend . And … he didn’t . He texted me at 11 pm and said ;" I getting late after game , going sleep , good night ". I was waiting his call till 10 pm and fall asleep. In the morning I just checked my phone and seen that sms.?I texted him back that I did fall asleep last night and we were texed each other 2/3 more sms.I really tried make him talk to me , asked him some advice about work and few more things .
His responses have been completely cold .He been responded me in 3/4 hours later. He changed again . Looks like he don’t want to talk again.
Cold , uninterrupted, unmativated . What should I do? Ask him talk and finish this story complity or just no contact any more ?

Dear Karina,

You sound like you are making up excuses for him. I don’t know your relationship of course but a man who criticizes you because of what his friends say? Give me a break! He’s 41 and can’t make his own decisions? Just listen to yourself. You don’t want a man who’s easily influenced by other people. My ex’s friends also didn’t like me, one of them apparently said “she’s too smart for you” like it’s a bad thing. At least he said he defended me and told that person to mind his own business but still. His family didn’t like me and in the end, they got to his head. He became distant, uninterested, said we’re not a good couple etc. What our exes both lack, no matter how nice and loving and compromising etc. they are is maturity. This is simply not mature and consistent behavior. You’re saying you didn’t compromise because he let your friends criticize you? Girl, you don’t need to compromise on that! Of course you have every right to get upset over that. My ex criticized me a lot too: what I ate, decisions I made, that I didn’t love and respect him enough, that I had a foul mouth etc etc etc. They hide this behind “concern” for us but you need to be careful to see the line between real concern and hurtful criticism. And you can’t see that while you’re in that relationship. You need to distance yourself and stop idealizing the other person. Anyway, he sounds really confused now so give him and yourself some space.

Thanks for advising ?I really appreciate it. Thanks you so much that you here with me . ?
I don’t try idealizing him. I am 32 years old and I am old enough to understand who I need . He is loyal ,generous calm ,patient , nice person really. 70/30 positive and not. I am not perfect ,not even close to that .
We fought not only because of his friends Ofcouse . Just in general I am less patient , more emotional, more yell. He is calm . He said 2 days ago I am to much for him. To difficult he said .? But I been like this all the time , since we met . And he liked .In January we went to Tahoe sky, with one of his best friend . And I had period , I was inpatient, nervous, emotional. And 2 days later my ex boyfriend said ;"my friend said you are bad for me ,and we not good match and bla bla bla.?
I was in shock ,that’s not his business ,exuse me . Good friend will never say that . And his friend married and have 2 kids!
I was really not happy about that . And it’s turn to fight between us. And since than he stared bringing me that more and more what is his friends thinking about me.? And I didn’t like it more and more .And keep tell him : why you are tell me that and listen that ? And I v seen past 3 weeks , every time he spent time with me , he warming up , nice , and ack like boyfriend. Every time I haven’t seen him 3-5days he spent time with friends he doesn’t wants me .?
He Sounds uninterested and cold . What’s going on ? I never fought with any of his friends. I never been rude.We made Halloween party last year at his home , we invited all his friends , like 30 people ,I cooked ,I entertain them all. That all said I am such a good host. I really did my best .
Once in while We invited them to his home and I cooked my national food ( I am European) And all friends seem to me happy .
He tald me 2 more things when I seen him last time . You never integrate with my friends, you never been close with them .
( that’s it’s supposed to mean !?)
And you are very jelouse.?? I swear, I am less jealous woman in the word .I let him do what he wants . He party without me , he seen his friends .He had his own time . I never said anything. Just one time I said (after that heloween party we went to club , me him and his best friend with girlfriend and one more single woman ) This woman got really drunk and stared jump on my boyfriend and act vulgar. Try to dance with him very vulgar way . Supper vulgar . When we went home I told him that I didn’t like that , and he said that He didn’t remember all that. ? That’s it. Guess what ? He remind me that ,few days ago and told me that I am supper Jelouse woman.? he don’t like it. And she is his best friend and she is all good and never done any thing wrong . And I am bad one, Jealous one.
You are made very good point . Thanks!
It’s a big qwestion if I need man who is so easy gets in to influence. It’s always going to be something. But when I with him he lestern me and it’s good . I think if we are would be together he would slowly got to my side more.
I don’t understand why his friends don’t want him to be in couple. Why they want him bening single ? Its convenient for them ? Because he has house and they can party and stay there or he can pays for all the beer.I don’t really understand why they all with a gilfriends , want him to be single ?
I remember now , when I stared date him I asked :“why you broke up with your last gilfriend?” And he said ?; she doesn’t liked my friends . Now I understand what it means .
You girls right about two things , you made good point. Fists ; if he really loved me he wouldn’t move one so fast . Second -friends . It’s unnormal that he is listens his friends so much .
41 and still?

Karina, you and I are soulmates girl! I’m also European and was dating this guy when I lived in the States and my story is very very similar to yours. I also cooked for him and his friends, we threw parties together, including for Halloween and Thanksgiving, all his friends loved me, his brother did too, it was great. I didn’t have problems with his friends like you did.BUT I’m also very emotional and impatient and jealous and he didn’t like that either. Same thing he told me: “You’re too much,you’re too open minded (he comes from a very conservative background so that’s something we always struggled with) blah blah blah.” I’m sure your ex is a very nice person, so was mine. That’s why we loved them in the first place. But there are two problems here: a) they don’t know what they want or b) they don’t think long term and only spend time with us until their friends/families begin to interfere. Again,both are signs of immaturity. And you made a very good point: he ALWAYS knew you were like that. And he still took one year to figure out you weren’t good for him? My ex did the same thing to me: he knew all these things about me but eventually they became a problem (he remembered them all later too!). He told me: I thought I could get over these things but I can’t. Sounds like your ex is hinting at the same thing: you’re too complicated for him. To me that’s a sign of insecurity. So he wants someone who: fits his life, fits his friends, doesn’t get jealous, likes being criticized, doesn’t get emotional, in short, doesn’t cause any trouble. What else? He may as well date a blow-up doll. I’m sure he’s a good man and he’s been good to you and you think you can change him - but his demands sound a bit unrealistic.
As to your point about his friends - yes, they don’t want him to have a life so they can hang around his house and drink his free beer. My ex had a lot of friends like that - hanging around his house, drinking beer, eating his food, playing video games, making a mess. I wanted to kick them all out and I would if we lived together. I’m sure they wouldn’t be happy with that.
Anyway, if you guys get back together, he needs to stop being a pussy (excuse my language) and finally get a life without his loser friends.

Yes ,we are soulmates girls!
Haha , I really enjoyed reading you and I laughed .You made me lough. I thought I will not able to do that for long time.
Especially the last part:
(As to your point about his friends – yes, they don’t want him to have a life so they can hang around his house and drink his free beer. My ex had a lot of friends like that – hanging around his house, drinking beer, eating his food, playing video games, making a mess. I wanted to kick them all out and I would if we lived together. I’m sure they wouldn’t be happy with that.
Anyway, if you guys get back together, he needs to stop being a pussy (excuse my language)
and finally get a life without his loser friends.)
And that
(So he wants someone who: fits his life, fits his friends, doesn’t get jealous, likes being criticized, doesn’t get emotional, in short, doesn’t cause any trouble. What else? He may as well date a blow-up doll)
Yes , and good point , THEY ARE nice , good people , good guys , but its time to be mature.I am not sure he can. I think I am going give him a week of NC and going to ask him directly WHATS GOING ON? I going to do that for myself. I just want to hear what and move on , I really don’t understand all those games and don’t like them. I find it easier to hear no once-NO, than hear lies like : " I must thinking about us , give me time."
if I will not do this I won’t be able to forget him quickly , I find it much easier to suffer once than thinking - what if , what if ?
I will just ask him in a week and will tell him , ok THEN good bue , I got it.
Because I have had that experience when I was 25 ,with a man me and him didnt said good bue and I was really not happy 6 month and lost 1,5 year thinking about why. And could not date anyone. I need to do that.

Aww, if I made you laugh, I’m happy! Trust me, there will come a day when you will laugh again and feel better.
It sounds to me like he already told you NO, and you were the one who asked him to think about it. I know because I did the same thing: I asked him to take his time to think and he said he would but it didn’t change anything. If you want my advice, don’t ask him anything. He’s not going to change his mind in a week. Assume from now on that he’s gone and start acting that way. Don’t say, “one more week”, “one more month”, you’re only extending your denial (I know, i did this!) Right now he knows you want to talk, he knows you want him back but he’s over it. I know the type: if he’s made up his mind and you keep wanting to talk, he’s going to get sick of it. Leave him alone and see if he comes back to you. Surprise him: don’t do what he expects you to do. Don’t talk, don’t call. It may help or it may not. But think about this: even if you get back together, you will have the same issues. Guys like our exes are picky, perfectionist and very full of themselves, that’s why they let relationships go easily. He’s 41 and still single (my ex will be 36) - there’s a reason for that. He’s looking for a perfect woman who will fit all his criteria - good luck with that! Think about it: it’s not going to be easy to build a lasting relationship with such a man but if you love him, you have to decide if it’s worth it.

I go to Italy in 2 weeks .Just bought ticket. I try relax and forget about things. My best friend living there 8 year. So go to visit her.

That’s a perfect plan! I’ve been traveling a lot since our breakup and it helps a lot! And when my ex reached out to me recently he said his brother has been showing him FB pics from my travels. Ha! I hope he’s green with envy that I’m going to all these places without him. We loved to travel together and at first I really missed him when I traveled but eventually I got over it. You will too!

Oh girl .I so understand you. We been with ex Norwey, Spain, Costa Rica ,San Diego, Napa , Las vegas, Tahoe for a year of dating. I so much loved to travel with him . God.
I still thinking about if I going contact him and ask. His birthday coming . Should I say - Happy birthday ?

Yeah we went to Mexico, Cyprus, Turkey and all over California cuz that’s where we lived (he still does, I left). We had an awesome bday picnic for him in Santa Cruz when we first started dating, it was really quite nice. He used to tell me it was the best bday he ever had. And now he’s got someone else to celebrate his bdays with. Life is funny, ain’t it?
It doesn’t hurt to say happy bday. Nothing wrong with being polite. Just don’t write him a long diatribe, “Happy birthday” is enough.

Oh so nice really . Very cool that you guys have traveled.We live here too California .
And you said it was 1,5 years ago ? He is dating come one now ?
If you not mind me to ask , where do you live now ?

Yeah I figured you live in California since you go skiing in Tahoe (something we were planning too but didn’t go in the end!).
We met in 2013 and dated for a little over a year. I’m back in my home country now, we broke up 6 months after I came back. Long distance just made it so much more complicated.
Last time I spoke with him was 8 months ago and he told me he was dating someone. I don’t know if they’re still together. Last week he really surprised me cuz he sent me a nice message (let’s reconnect, let’s be better to each other, I hope you’re doing good blah blah). No word for 8 months and then this… I don’t think there’s any chance for us of course, I’m too far away, it’s been too long but he’s still on my mind a lot. I’ve made great progress in these 8 months and I’m truly focused on my future now. But he brought up some old memories when he wrote to me and I’ve been a bit blue these days.

I sorry to hear .?
It’seems like you ex still thinking about you .I don’t think he in relationship now , that’s why he wrote you .
Even if he is . Not fact his next relationship will work . Not fact .
Our exes both immature like you said before and it’s sad . They don’t understand still by age 36 and 41 that as long as person love you and care about you and ready for changes it is big deal . They both looking for perfect . And not as many perfect there are .They are also not perfect .
I am 33 in a few month and I cant wait for him forever . I need to figure my future. If even he will decide come back in a year or two , I can’t wait for him.? I am pretty sure he will not come back never. Because He is move on fast .
Life is not at a standstill.
I have to move forward . And build life and new relationship.
Now , I even didn’t want to think about stay with other man , or date some one . I still have strong feeling to my ex , I don’t know how long it’s going to be like is .?

I’m turning 31 in 2 weeks. I absolutely agree with you that it’s very hard to find someone who will truly love you and you need to hold on to such people. And of course we made mistakes and we’re not perfect. I wasn’t fully honest with my ex and did some things I’m not proud of, I agree. But these are all things that you can work on if you want. Some things are really beyond repair: cheating, loss of a child, drugs, domestic abuse. That’s serious shit. But everything else is just really small stuff that you can work on if you truly love someone. I really believe in that and I’m sure you do too. The problem is that we’re not on the same page with our exes about it. They either don’t love us enough or are just too lazy and foolish to work on good, solid relationships. Either way for us means we need to move on.
I don’t know what’s the deal with my ex now and frankly I don’t wanna know. The less I know the better. I don’t need information about his life, what use do I have for it? You’re right, there’s no guarantee his relationship will work out. But I’m not going to wait to find out. I still have feelings for him and if he wanted to give it another try I would but I don’t want him to think that I’m always available for him. That’s why I cut him out of my life to show him that he really lost me.