I need help/advice on re-contacting my ex-girlfriend after NC. I apologize for the length, but I wasn’t sure how to communicate my situation any other way. We were together 4.5 years, I’m 37, she is 31. She wanted to move in together, get married, settle down, etc. I was hesitant, reluctant to move forward, and emotionally unavailable in some ways. She broke it off the end of May, “saying lets be friends,” (I was a jerk on her birthday, which I think was the last straw). We stayed in touch for the first month or so as friends. I started seeing a therapist and working on myself, and realized that I really wanted to be with her. I told her this in mid-july, saying I didn’t want to go back to where we were, but wanted a new start together. Her response was, “Maybe, I’m not saying no, but I need some space. Let’s talk in September.” I said ok, but had trouble not contacting her (I had not seen this website, or any other advice on getting your ex back and the importance of NC).
After the first week I handwrote a sincere letter apologizing for all of the problems and issues that she had told me about in our relationship. The biggest issues were my selfish behavior, hesitance to spend a lot of time with her family and friends, and my unwillingness to move forward in the relationship. The second week I handwrote a love letter telling her how much I loved her, how amazing she was, and how I wanted to be with her. After the second letter she called me and we started talking. I told her all the things I was doing to improve myself, how I had changed, and was willing to do all the things she wanted. She was a little skeptical, given that it had only been a couple weeks, but she thought it might be possible. We were talking for about a week and she seemed open to trying again.
We were texting, trying to make plans for the coming week to meet, then I stopped hearing from her (during this time I dropped another handwritten love letter by her house, just to show her how much I cared). I knew she was busy, so I didn’t think much of it for the first couple days, but after the third day of getting no response from my calls, texts, emails, etc., I was worried that she might have been hurt or something. I even wrote her mom to see if she was ok. Then I received a handwritten letter from her saying that she had changed her mind, she didn’t want to get back together, and that she would not be responding to any of my calls, texts, emails, etc., but maybe we could be friends “someday.”
Of course I freaked out after hearing this and called/texted her almost non-stop the first day. I also sent an email seeing if we could have one last conversation. No response. I then sent one follow up text about a week later apologizing, and telling her how much I love her, but not asking her to respond. She didn’t. I then started reading about how to get your ex back and the importance of NC, so that’s what I did. My last text to her was mid-August and I’m at day 40 of NC.
In the mean time I’ve been going all-out working on myself, taking every piece of advice that is given to me. I work out almost every day, I changed my diet, I’ve lost 30 pounds. I’m seeing a psychologist, and a somatic therapist. I did a week-long meditation retreat and the Landmark Forum. I started keeping a journal, writing my dreams down every night, and meditating every day. I’ve been socializing more with friends and even went out on a couple dates. I’ve literally been doing everything I can think of to be the best person I can. At this point I’m fairly sure that a) I know the issues and patterns in me that caused the breakup and b) I have done enough work on myself not to fall back into those patters again with her. In short, I feel great, I look great, and I am more confident than I’ve been in my life.
At the same time I can’t stop thinking about my ex girlfriend, missing her, and wanting to get her back. I am completely clear that I still have a profound love for her and wish more than almost anything thing in the world to have a new relationship with her. In fact, I absolutely want to marry her, as crazy as that might sound given that we are broken up and I have not been talking with her for more than a month. I have even started looking for an engagement ring.
From all that I’ve read it seems like it would be best to initiate contact with her in the next week or so. What I need help with is how to do this and what to say, specifically. Honestly, I’m a little terrified about reaching out to her, for fear that she won’t respond, or that she has already found someone else, or that she just feels there is no hope for us. However, I know I will reach out to her soon. I just want to be sure I do it in the best way possible to get her back.
At this point, I think that email is the best choice. I don’t want to be too intense, e.g. phone, handwritten letter, but I also don’t want it too brief, e.g. text, IM. At the same time, I’m open to other suggestions if people think that one of these is better.
What I really need help with right now is what exactly I should say to her. I have some ideas, based on what I’ve read, and I’ve started drafting an email, here is the outline I’ve made:
Part 1: My plan is to lead with an article I read recently that she might be interested in (she is a grad student and the article is related to her studies). I’m thinking of writing a paragraph saying, “hey, just read this great article, thought you would be interested. Here are some of my thoughts on it… what do you think, would love to get your take on it, etc.”
Part 2: Then I wanted to give a friendly update on me and ask how she is doing. I was going to share some of the positive things in my life, e.g. “I just got some new work, I visited my family in California, I’ve been exercising and feeling great, etc., how are you?”
Part 3: Casually ask her out for coffee, “hey would be great to catch up with you, maybe we could get coffee as friends. I’m happy to come over to your neighborhood, if you’re interested.”
Part 4: Remind her of a good memory from our past, “I know it’s random, but I was in the park the other day and saw the rowboats, reminds me of the afternoon we spent together there last year.”
I would love any and all feedback or advice on what to say to her at this point:
• I think leading with the article is good idea, but is there something better?
• Should I stop at the article and leave it at that?
• Should I talk about what I’ve been up to the past few weeks?
• Should I ask her out for coffee or not?
• Should I mention the memory about the park?
• I’ve read that I should not bring up the past, so I was not going to apologize or talk about the break up, but should I?
• Is it too long? Should I separate it into several messages?
• Is email the right choice?
• Is there something else I should say?
• Is there any hope? (I pray there is)
I’m also worried that it might be too long. At the same time I don’t want it to be so brief that she just ignores it.
As I write this, I also think that I’ll wait on asking her out for coffee and just talk about the article, what I’ve been up to, and the memory from the park.
I’m also wondering when exactly I should send the message. I"m thinking this coming sunday, or early next week, but not sure. Any ideas on the best day/time to contact her?
What do others think? Any feedback or suggestions?
Basically I don’t know what to do, and I feel like I only have one good shot at this, so I don’t want to mess it up.
Please, I would love any specific advice on what exactly I should say to try and initiate contact with my ex-girlfriend and how to go about it.
Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
