Hello everyone. I read all the articles, rules, googled it a million times, but I’m not sure what I should do.
Here’s the story. Sorry about the long post 
I moved in with my boyfriend 6 months into our relationship. It was his idea, we were in a great place, so we decided to take things to next level. 3 months after, he got a job offer overseas (his home country), so we moved there. I got multiple job offers in first month or so, we were living in the same apartment building as his parents, they loved me, things were going great. We had a few ups and downs, arguments, but nothing out of the ordinary, we solved everything as it emerged.
The thing that bothered me the most was him smoking weed. He agreed to do it once or twice a week because that was something I could tolerate, but he failed to keep the promise. As our relationship was more serious (talking about getting married, buying a house, having kids), the stress level was increasing and we fought more and more, he smoked more and more, he didn’t initiate sex at all, so we did it once a month when I turned up naked in front of him. We decided to drop the long-term plans because we thought the stress will go away, we will reconcile and everything will sort itself out.
That wasn’t the case. During the lockdown, everything seemed to be fine and we got along, but one night we had a sincere conversation where he told me he cares about me, but he feels that he needs to be alone, as he was in and out of serious relationships from age of 19 (now he’s 30). I couldn’t accept the fact that he is willing to give up everything we dreamed of, and somehow I convinced him we shouldn’t break up. He let me have it my way, but I could see that he is not happy.
I genuinely believe him when he says that he wants to be alone, I know there’s no other girl or some hidden agenda.
Last Wednesday, we got into a fight about a stupid thing, but our deeper problems resurfaced. I packed a bag, and left him angry and disappointed. I called my colleague from work, and she told me I can come to her place. I forgot my mom’s necklace at his place, so I sent him a text “nothing matters to me, none of the stuff, but I want my mom’s necklace back”. He responded with “you will get your other stuff also, whether you come to pick it up or I can drop them off at your place, but let’s talk about that when we cool off.”
Day after the breakup, he told me that his cousin possibly has COVID19, and that he will let me know if I have to get tested because we were at a lunch together few days ago. We exchanged some messages, one of mine being “I think I shouldn’t left that night, it was such a mistake”, and he responded “we’ll talk about it, but not now, in a few days”.
We met on Saturday to talk after that horrible argument few days ago. I was crying my eyes out, and told him I want to try again, from the scratch, no expectations and no rules. Let’s just meet, travel, and spend time together, let’s take a trip next weekend. He was conflicted - he wanted to say yes because he saw that I’m having a hard time, but he also wanted to stick by his words when he told me he wants to be alone. I pushed him to tell me how long will it take to decide, to give me at least something - no relationship, but let’s talk and meet. He was reluctant, and I told him I don’t want him to say YES because he feels sorry, but because he genuinely wants to spend time with me. We concluded nothing, but we agreed that we both want to text each other and that no contact is not an option for both of us.
On Tuesday, I went there to pick up some of my belongings. It was very hard, we both cried at some point (I was crying 90% of the time, he 10-15%), and I apologised that I’m such a mess, I didn’t want to make it harder for both of us. He understood, we started to talk again, and I told him I think this breakup is a good thing, because things just weren’t right. I also told him I want to get back together, but this time differently, taking things slow, accepting him 100% as is, not complaining about weed or bathroom tiles in our house-to-be because he is important to me, not the colour of tiles and other details that don’t matter at all if he’s not there with me.
He told me that he’s also having a hard time, looking at my social media profiles, wondering where am I and what I’m doing, and that he genuinely misses me, but his head is still not clear, he doesn’t know if he wants to be alone or try to fix things between us. He told me that he’s worried that we’ll get back to our old habits and the things will be the same, and that I will tell him anything at this point just to get him back. I tried to explain that he’s wrong, and that I just want a chance to prove that everything can be better than ever before. He told me that I’m pushing him again to do something he doesn’t want, but will do to make me happy, and that I’m pushing him away with that kind of behaviour. I told him even it’s hard for me, I’ll wait for his decision, but can’t promise that I won’t slip and ask him about it.
He texted me to see if I arrived safely, we exchanged some texts, and on Wednesday, I sent him a message that this time, I will give him as much space and time he needs. No conditions, we don’t have to talk if he doesn’t feel like talking, we’re not meeting until he says he wants to meet. That’s it, no hidden motive, just to prove him that I meant what I said, that it can be different and he doesn’t have to do things just because I want them, and feel bad afterwards because that’s not what he wants.
He was surprised, and told me that he appreciates it a lot.
My question here… How to do things right and not mess up from this point further? I know I shouldn’t have to tell him when we met that I don’t want to break up, that I’m a terrible mess, that I can’t see myself without him, I want him back etc., but I think I did a great step by giving him time and space to sort things out. I’m trying not to be pushy with texts, he texts me first so I know he also does want to talk to me, we exchange 10 messages each day (we texted each day, all day, before we broke up, so it’s a big change).
Any advice how to put myself together? I tried to work out, go out to meet new people, take care of my colleague’s cats, talk to friends and family back home (here I don’t have any people I hang out with besides 2 colleagues, I’m an introvert and I spent 90% of my time working and being with my BF and his friends and family) - but I can’t. Whatever I’m doing, I can’t stop thinking about our past, present, future. Only thing I can do is stress about him and how not to mess up, how to find an apartment or should I find one at all, should I move back home, will I be able to find work if I return, etc.
I lost so many hours of sleep, 10 pounds, can’t even go to work. How to get back to normal again? 