Hopeless:Kept NC 53 days, finally wrote to ex, NO response 4 days

Breakup Help reconciliation
1

Dear friends (and Kevin),
I feel desperately sad. I read Kevin’s wonderful instructions, and have subscribed to his daily emails (which are keeping me going) and tried hard to implement his advice. But it is not working, and I fear that I’ll never ever get my ex back; that I’m one of those cases that Kevin warns us about: the “you might do everything right, and still never get your ex back.”

For a brief background: My ex broke up with me in April; I didn’t beg or plead or make any of those mistakes, but when we did meet there were a lot of tears (on my part) and I did send some really sad emails asking him why. He said he felt very stressed to have caused me so much pain. We saw each other on and off - as friends - I never managed to keep NC for more than two weeks at a time between April and August. But then I left the country in late August. We had one last coffee together, where I was careful to a) look my best b) keep our conversation light, carefree, fun, short c) steered clear of talking about the break up etc. He hugged me goodbye and I didn’t cry or make any fuss. We parted as friends, though I’m pretty sure he knew I was acting.

Then, I left the country, and I’m proud to say that I kept NC for 53 days - and this is when I started following Kevin’s advice in earnest. I am proud of myself for having done that. I did work hard on being happy and healthy and feeling complete on my own; and I do. But in those 53 days he never contacted me once: I moved to another country, started a new life, and he didn’t write even once to ask how I’m doing. It hurts.

FInally, I sent an email four days ago, kept it short, light, as per Kevin’s advice. He has not responded. I sent him a postcard too, last week, which he should have got by now. Not a word. I know he loved me once - before he left me in April - and we didn’t have any terrible fights or anything before breaking up. He just said, at the time (in April) that he “cared about me very much” but “didn;t love me,” and that he “has no bandwith” to give me anything. He was going through a lot of stress at the time with his work, but I’m certain now that he is no longer that stressed. I have no facebook, so have no idea how he is doing (and luckily have not been able to make any of the mistakes Kevin warns us against).

Friends, I feel shattered and hopeless. I’ve been good. For 53 days I’ve followed the plan. It’s not working. I’m giving up. Advice?

2

Slooow down. Four days is not that long. You said so yourself that you really have no idea how he’s doing. Maybe he’s on vacation, maybe he’s busy with work, who knows. The letter could have stirred up some emotions with him and he’s just putting thought into how and if he should respond. I’m not saying he’s going to respond for sure, but at least you still have hope.

3

I know I know. I’ll be patient and I will not write again. But given that he hasn’t heard from me in two months, it is so disappointing that he wouldnt write back right away. I’m just feeling hopeless and shattered today. I somehow held on to this “NC plan”, thinking that it would really work.

4

sorry to hear that. keep it cool though…

my ex stopped contacting me for more than a month now and already returned all my stuff. he responds if I contact him (although I believe he’s more resistant to that); we ran into each other a couple of times lately and he talked to me (well, he couldn’t hide from me) but he does not initiate contact. in fact, he completely ignores me. I congratulated him for his success, he thanked me, but he knew I was going for an important job test and he never asked me how it went. he doesn’t care and he didn’t even care to return my gesture. not even that. he’s just showing off how great his life is now that I’m out of it, that marriage/relationships are a stupid thing, and making sweet and friendly posts about or to his LD girlfriend. (He has hidden posts from me so if I can read those it’s because he chose to). I don’t understand why he treats me like I’ve never existed, like we don’t have a 12 year bond, and like I don’t have feelings, like he’s resenting me (I even thought sending him an apologize letter recently just in case), since he’s the dumper and since he said he wanted us to be friends and keep being part of each others’ life.

I went 2 months of low-low contact, one of no contact, but updating my fb, then tried to approach him as a friend, but he’s just being more distant and sometimes really insensitive in his selfishness. So, I can’t say I have an advice for you - I don’t! I’m a wreck - but this is what I’m doing now: after being cool and sweet to him and getting nothing in return I’m going to disappear from his radar for at least a month. This is all just too painful.

5

Well I’m going to start NC again. What else can I do. But I feel so broken. I’m going to be back in his city in a month and I want so much to see him. But what can I do if he won’t even respond to my simple, friendly, fun email.
Dealing with his silence now is even harder than the almost two months of keeping NC. I was so hoping it would “work” and I just don’t think, in my case, that it is. It has only been five days now but I know him - and I know email - if he doesnt respond in five days that means he is not going to respond. I said, in my email, that I’ll be back in town in a month for an interview, and he doesnt even care enough to write back to ask me what interview, to ask me how I am, to say how glad he is for me. Nothing. It hurts so much. he hasnt heard from me in two months and I’ve been away starting a new life in these two months. I’ve been good and strong and not contacted him once. I feel broken now.

6

Bee sorry I meant to respond to you to say thank you for writing, and I’m so sorry that you’re more or less in my boat. Like you, I’m going to go “off his radar” for a month too. Unlike you, I dont even have facebook, so that’s not an issue. But I’ll be back in his town in a month and I don’t know what to do. Should I reach out to him again just before I arrive? Or not? We have a group of common friends, and I’m definitely going to try to see them when I’m in town. But do I not include him in a group email that I send out? Or what should I do? (assuming he doesnt contact me between now and then). I fly out on Nov 20th. I will keep NC till then, unless he responds…

7

yes, it really sucks, right? I’ve never felt a pain this strong.

If he doesn’t even reply to your friendly emails ignore him. Do not include him in the group email, go see your friends. If by chance you ran into him (can happen but don’t over think it) act nicely and friendly, act and be the happy you, but don’t drag the conversation, just a brief catch up, a little chat if he responds well, and then focus on your friends, the ones who actually talk to you. you’re lucky to still have them, I lost all our mutual friends. some avoid me, some ignore me, he was the link between us, but there’s no reason for them to be act like this.

the first time I ran into my ex I just wanted to keep talking to him forever but I knew one: I couldn’t and two: I was with a friend (I’m trying to find new ones but not only I can’t relate to anyone, this guy really is possessive and annoying). So this friend started to act jealousy, my ex kind of looked weird when he saw him, and then I missed the moment. This guy was constantly nagging until my ex said: “well, I have to go”…it made me want to delete that guy!! on one side his nagging made me not drag the conversation, on the other hand I didn’t stop the talking in a nice way. I was stopped after this nagger push my ex away. After that we pretended we didn’t see each other the rest of the night, even though we were facing each other many times. I saw him turning face to me and looking at me and then he left like he was mad, fed up or annoyed by my presence. We saw each other after that and I kept the same friendly and happy attitude, but I felt like he’s just doing me a favor. even if he may feel some jealousy to see me with guys, he doesn’t want me around. He’s just being polite. The next day his fb is all about his LD gf (and she reacts) and he’s great life…

so…honestly, don’t feel bad for not include him in your friends group. You’ve tried, you showed him you’re there and you’re cool but he’s not making an effort.
let’s be strong.

8

Thank you Bee for the advice, and for taking the time to read and comment. I’m so sorry that you’re in a similar situation. For me, it’s day 6 (since I wrote to him after keeping NC for 53 days), and no response. I don’t know what to do. I’m so sad.
I will be back in his town in a month. I will keep your advice and write to all my friends and try to meet up with everyone, but I’ll not write to him again. Not unless he responds to me.
(yes, I’m lucky that all our friends are my friends too; not one of them has “dropped” me as a friend, but we’re all in our 30s, so I think that just comes from maturity… not sure how old you are but I’d be shocked if people in their mid-late 30s “drop” or “side” with one person after a couple breaks up; at any rate, that’s not the case with me. he has some really good guy friends who are closer to him than to me, and I’m sure they feel a bit awkward around me , but not enough to forgo our friendship. For which I’m grateful)
I just can’t believe he hasn’t written back. Kevin, if you’re reading this, please advise. What should I do?

9

in a couple of weeks/month/months, send him a text or email? just something casual. youve probably given him a lot to think about…

could you give me some advice on my situation?

10

:slight_smile: so be shocked: we’re in our 30s and 40s (more 40s). they are very self centered. They don’t waste time with people who do not benefit them, but I miss them. At least I miss the social life I had, to be surrounded with people who like the same things I do, with who I could be myself to a very good extent, miss the familiarity.

Now, without wanting to give you false hopes or increase your pain, only based on how my ex acts - politely though he couldn’t care less about me -: the fact that your ex doesn’t answer you can mean he still feels something. on the other hand he can be emotionally busy with someone who is physically around and he doesn’t want to show her he’s still attached to you.

My ex answers me and doesn’t initiate contact, because he doesn’t care and doesn’t want me back, and because he’s in a LD relationship, so they can’t control each other that well and demand who they can and cannot talk to. however, he doesn’t interact with me on social media, maybe because he fears she can see it, maybe because he fears his friends’ reaction (I’m starting to believe he played the victim after the break up and his friends told him he was better off without me. I made the mistake of telling his friends what he did to me and of course they now think I’m a witch. they don’t care if I’ve suffered in silence, they think I’m a witch for finally letting out some things…so I guess I screwed things a LOT)

Just in case, when you meet your friends: look GREAT! like you were when you met your ex and better. If he sees you, he’ll remember the good old but improved you. My didn’t care, but he complimented me. He said it’s obvious that guys fall easily in love with me. Good right? :slight_smile: no, because he doesn’t care. However, do look great. It will make you feel like a winner, no matter what happens.

11

Staying positive should be one your top priorities. Take this time to focus on yourself. This could be a great time to learn more about what makes you happy and do more of that. If After 60days and still no contact from him. I would move on

12

Nine days and still no response from him. I am being strong and keeping a new NC.
But my heart is broken anew. So, my conclusion is that NC doesnt work , guys; not always. I suppose I have no choice but to move on. But I love him still.

13

This is the reason why I am avoiding texting my ex, for fear of rejection again.

Instead of looking at the negatives though, you should congratulate yourself for having the confidence to reach out and going for something you want :slight_smile:

His loss!!

(i’m 47 days no contact)

14

Keep going, Pixie25! It’s a really terrible feeling to contact the ex after almost two months of NC and get no response back. So, if you can manage it, I’d advise you to keep NC forever… it hurts too much to cross off the NC days, one by one, to feel proud for getting to two months, and then to reach out to your ex, as Kevin suggests we do, and find that there is no response at all. If you can, keep it up forever!
And thank you for reminding me to be proud of myself for having tried; but I’d gently suggest that you - and anyone else who might be reading - don’t.

15

Ugh. Heart breaking all over again. Not a word from him, it’s been over ten days now.
Losing all hope. Shattered. Discouraged.

16

Dear SM, don’t let his actions dictate your happiness. You did a great job doing nc after your move, but perhaps you forgot to take into account that he might not reply and that no matter what the outcome was going to be, that you were going to accept the breakup. Accept it, and embody that feeling that you are moving on. When you return to his city, everyone should notice how happy you look and hope well you’ve moved on. We gotta take care of ourselves. So, now you should stop expecting him to reply and start thinking about being happy and being single and welcoming the possibility of dating other men. You can do this, but you gotta let go. You gotta stop hoping and move on with your life. Sure, you can send him another reminder before you leave, but know that you may not like the outcome.

Stay strong, we are all on the same boat. You are not alone. We are all here together.

17

TravelBug, thank you so much for writing and for the good advice. You’re absolutely right, though it is hard for me to hear.

I do need to accept that he’s never coming back to me, and I know I need to move on. I don’t quite know how to do it; I still love him, and it is so hard to accept, and to extinguish all the hope that had been lurking in my heart through all these months, even during the two months of NC.

I will make sure to look and feel genuinely happy when I’m back in his city for a brief visit at the end of Nov. I will see our common friends but I will not contact him at all, ever again. If he writes back by then, or comes along with the others, then great. If not, I will just relish the chance to be back in my old city again, and try not to think about him. I have allowed the break up to destroy my happiness and peace of mind for too long, for half a year, in what should be the best year of my life. I’ve moved to a great new country and should feel happy and excited at the new adventures I should be having here. Instead, I spend my nights crying about him, thinking about everything, remembering little things we used to do together, obsessing about why he left me (mornings when I wake up are the worst, like for you, TravelBug). I have followed Kevin’s advice but some days are harder than others. I can’t imagine actively seeking someone else out right now but I have been going out with new friends and, well, if some guy approaches me then I’ll not turn him away. My ex is the one I want, and he’s the one I love, but, well, if he doesn’t want me and doesn’t love me and doesn’t value me the way I do him, then, so be it. The sad thing is that he was the one who chased me, for almost a year, and when we finally got together he told me he was so happy. I suppose that is life.

It is hard, it is so hard, but it is better to get rid of all my hope and keep NC up, not for one month, not for two months, but for life.

I hope TravelBug that your next week of NC will be easier than the first. You deserve better, we all do.

18

Thanks SM! Yes, you HAVE to allow yourself to move on. If it convinces you to think that he has moved on and you should too because he didn’t reply, then believe that. I spend my time here in the mornings because I feel sad in the morning. When I come here, I’m reminded that I’m not the only one and it helps me to stay strong and continue nc. One day, I won’t need to come here anymore for that mental support, I’ll wake up with a peaceful heart that’s not broken anymore. This morning was better than yesterday morning, so it’s getting better.

I think you should explore the new country. I went on a travel adventure by myself in El Salvador and Nicaragua. I just got lost and found my way back, made new friends, went to new places, and reminded myself that I was happy without him. You have to start believing that life is still good without him. That you are still happy without him, you don’t need him to be happy. Be strong, be brave, and welcome new experiences in your life. Live for yourself, not for anyone else or the absence of anyone else. Our exes didn’t care enough for us, so we have to go on living our lives and find someone who will care for us. Our exes broke our hearts and dumped us like we are used tissue paper. We are NOT disposable! We have to know our worth! We can’t allow anyone else to do that to us again. Get strong, really really strong! And become the best version of you…

We’ll get through this! I’m already feeling strong enough to take on the day! I won’t allow myself too be weak the rest of the day. I’m going to go pack for my move and you should Google some new things to do in your new country. You are lucky to be living in a new country, take advantage of it! I want to know what plans you make, go do it, NOW! Right now!

19

I know it hurts. I broke up with my ex due to stress and depression so as a man I know how it feels to see your partner in pain from my pain and to not have any mental bandwidth.

I dont know him but if he’s still not responding, things may still be a foul in his life. Starting a new forever NC may be best until he reaches out. Good luck, I’m tright here with you.

20

Very insightful ndubc. Thanks for sharing.