He's going through a difficult time & ended it - a complicated situation!

Breakup Help reconciliation
1

I met a guy on Plenty of Fish (dating site). We’d never met, but realised we grew up very near to each other. I’m 33, he’s 37, both married before and each have 2 kids.

We were together for 2 months and it was genuinely great. He was very pro-active and eager, always in contact and stuff. He willingly met my girls and Mum. He bought me flowers and me and my girls presents from his trip to Boston. We had no disagreements.

After 7 weeks, he started progressing his divorce. He’s also having issues at work with his staff. He became distracted, quiet. Days later, he text that “we” weren’t going to work long term. He couldn’t explain it, but it didn’t feel right at the moment, as it had before. It wasn’t me; we got on well, he loved spending time with me and I was fantastic. Because of his problems he couldn’t devote himself physically or mentally to a long term relationship right now. He said he just couldn’t see us having a future right now, couldn’t see us as a couple. He said he may end up regretting it big-time. I replied a few times but stopped as he just wasn’t listening.

A few days later, his best friend Katie contacted me on Facebook. She told me he didn’t know what he wanted relationship wise. He’s so stressed and needs to get his divorce sorted so that he can move on, he’s so tired of it all. He can’t commit 100% as it’s bothering him all the time and it’s clouding his mind. She said don’t wait for him as I deserve better, but when I said if he sorts himself out we could have a fresh start (if I’m free), she said she’d like to think so. I went to hers the next day and we talked some more. Whilst I was there, he messaged her and told her to tell me he said Hi, then he messaged her again later to ask how it had gone with me.

He started using Plenty of Fish again. He also started using Whatsapp constantly (I talk to my friend on there a lot). It was the same pattern as when he used to talk to me. I sent him a message a couple of days later; said hi, how was he doing, take care, speak soon. He replied a couple of times and then stopped, so I didn’t send anymore. A few days later, I sent him an email putting my thoughts and feelings to him. I talked in past tense and made it clear I didn’t want anything out it. He replied once, saying the same as when he ended it.

I saw Katie again the other day. She spoke to him a few days before and they had fallen out. She wasn’t happy that he was dating again when he wasn’t ready and that he was going to keep hurting people which wasn’t right. She told him he needs to sort himself out before he can date again. He asked how was he meant to find the right girl if he didn’t get back on there. She got cross with him over what he’d done to me and told him to stop it all. To me, it sounds like rebound dating - but I could be wrong?

I have noticed that since she fell out with him, he’s been very quiet both on POF and definitely on Whatsapp - he doesn’t seem to be talking to anyone on there at all. I’m wondering if he’s ‘sulking’ and thinking about what Katie said? Having said that, I do know that he’s been on POF not long ago for about 20 minutes. That said, there’s no reason that he’s having any luck on there.

I am now doing the no contact rule. And I am genuinely working on myself and I have a good sense of self worth and dignity. I am enjoying life and keeping busy. We are ‘friends’ on Facebook, so he will see this (although I am being careful not to go over the top) and he often asks Katie about me, or mentions me to her (like, he’d told her - not in a bad way - that I’d emailed him).

I would like to know if this is a case where we could get back together in time? A lot of the break up seems to be in reaction to him not coping well at all with all the problems in his life. Having said that, he did end it and he has started dating again. In fact, he seems intent on dating and is focusing on it. Is it to distract himself from me? How should I feel about that?

Help!

2

Hey. I think there is a good chance you get back in time. Why? Cause as you said you two had a good relationship. There wasn’t really anything wrong with it. Or are you putting it aside and focusing only on the good?

I think after everything, he just needs to sort himself out. He seems lost. He needs to settle himself and at that time he might be able to realize you were actually the best person he has found yet. It must be difficult being thru a divorce and wanting to find the person to spend the rest of your life with and you just want to be sure you are doing the right thing. So I guess you should let him be. But don’t wait for him. Go out, keep dating. You seem to have your head straight unlike him.

Katie is right and he should maybe be alone for awhile to sort himself and his life out before he gets involved with others. Also I think he might have stepped back due to her advice yes.

Just keep your cool, and keep being happy and enjoying life. Do no contact or limited contact. Don’t keep talking about your feelings anymore. I don’t think you should get back just yet. At least a month or two. So if he tries to get back I think you should take it slow, let him work to get you back, and not give yourself too much too soon. Good luck :slight_smile:

3

Here’s an update…

We went to a Foo Fighters concert on Wednesday. As we’ve split up, we didn’t go together; we’d bought our tickets with other people before we met anyway. I thought he might have contacted me at some point to say have a good time, or hopefully to meet up and say hi. He didn’t though.

On Thursday morning, he messaged me to ask what I thought of the concert. We were messaging all day til the early hours of the next morning. The messages were long, enthusiastic, friendly, lots of banter. He got a bit edgy when I mentioned I’d been accosted/was talking to a guy in the pub before the concert. He put three kisses, like when we were together, on a few messages after that (so I did the same) but then he stopped. His last one said he was falling asleep, so night, chat soon. He put one kiss on. I replied sleep well hun… night and put one kiss on. He didn’t pick my message up until the next morning and so I guess at that point it didn’t warrant a reply.

I’ve had no contact with / from him since.

I did notice thought that again, he wasn’t on whatsapp yesterday at all again and he didn’t go on POF until about 5pm, which is unusual for him.

I decided to go back on POF myself again last night. It went live at about 10pm and I can’t help but notice that he kept going on and off POF after that until about 12.45am (which is unusually late and not at all like him), and then also kept going on and off whatsapp. He was only really on each of them long enough to have a quick look (i.e. not be messaging people). When I activated my profile on POF, he came coming up everywhere on it (we’re close to each other and a perfect match, so that’s understandable)! I would imagine I would have also shown up frequently on his??

Thoughts??!!

4

I don’t think this will be a very good long term relationship. You dated two months that is not enough time to get to know someone and to figure out who they really are. I totally believe it was amazing two months but the honeymoon stage is suppose to last closer two years in good relationship.

“He asked how was he meant to find the right girl if he didn’t get back on there. She got cross with him over what he’d done to me and told him to stop it all. To me, it sounds like rebound dating – but I could be wrong?”

He is pretty much saying he did not think you were right girl for him it is all there in his comment. Now is this really what he feels or just telling Katie but the fact is he said he does not see long term possibilities for you two and he is not even taking time to deal with his divorce and negative feelings all he is busy doing is getting out there and dating and trying to meet someone new. Even his friend Katie thinks you should move on . Speaks volumes of his neediness right now and not caring for other people and their feelings. This guy seems to be some kind of serial dater and he does not even know what he is looking for and I doubt he even knows he just has a fantasy of right girl after a failed marriage. He is not able to have a mature relationship right now and I think you were ready for serious relationship. This could be case of right people wrong timing or just wrong people wrong timing I dont know because I dont know him nor you. The fact is he has said to you this is not what he wants right now and you should take it as such. Might that change yes anything is possible but I think you should seriously evaluate is this guy worth the wait? Because he will need serious time to deal with his issues and he will most likely date people during that time or if he comes back soon he has not dealt with those issues and sooner or later he has to and he will only hurt you.

The thing that bothers me is this is obsessive checking out exes activities on social media. To me that is getting into be borderline stalking, and loads of people seem to do it on these boards. It brings you nothing good and makes you only feel worse and then you spend time analyzing what every single little thing might mean that they do or say. I think you really ought to put that time and effort into yourself and your family and see what is it that you really need from a partner and then he check out does he really fit that because it is hard to see the real him when you are infatuated and falling in love and you think he is the greatest guy ever but people are human beings and full of flaws so take a step back and take a breather for yourself and him. Do nc and see what really is what and if he grows up maybe he comes back and realizes what he lost time will tell. I know you most likely will not like my comment and that is okay I know it is hard when you miss someone and you want them back and you really cannot understand why they left when it was so good but it happen and this is the situation now -I wish that you will fine the happiness you deserve whom ever that may be with.

5

I’m honestly not stalking him, I promise you. He and I happen to use the same social media, that’s all. I use Whatsapp to speak to at least 5 of my close friends on a regular basis; when I go on to do so, it’s fairly unavoidable that I see if he’s on, or when he was last on, or if he comes on and then off during the time that I’m on (if I’m having an in depth, instant conversation). Same with Facebook; and I’m happy to be friends with him, so I do not see the necessity to delete him. And POF? Yes, I am looking for a new relationship on there and I can tell when he’s on as he comes up on my account more than usual.

In my eyes (and yes, it’s just my view), stalking generally leads to a purpose, such as taking action, or contacting the person. I have no intention of doing either. One thing I am is a strong-willed person (some say stubborn, lol) and I know my own self worth. He will make the first move before I will.

I do accept and in fact agree with much of what you say, Finntoga. Maybe I wasn’t the one for him. But I also agree with Kaila, given that the relationship itself was great, maybe there is a chance in the future. Either way, he’snot int he right place for a relationship - with anyone - right now. He just doesn’t see that. The general picture seems to show that he’s just not coping well with things at the moment (work, the financial arrangements, having to live with his parents, all the stuff with his ex); he doesn’t cope with stress, and problems and stuff. It could be that that is clouding his mind and he can’t think straight about anything, like Katie said. Perhaps he’s an a little denial about that, or perhaps he doesn’t know how to cope with it, and his natural instinct is to shift the problem to be our relationship and therefore end it. I don’t know.

I do trust my gut instinct / intuition, though. I can’t recall it ever proving me wrong yet. And that instinct is telling me that this isn’t the end of it?? There are those little signs that I think mean something - messaging me about the concert all Thursday (he didn’t need to be quite so enthusiastic, for a friend), often mentioning me to Katie and asking how I am, and he very often likes my stuff on Facebook (but he doesn’t respond to anyone else’s??) For now though, I am putting myself first for once and focusing on my life. Maybe he will come back in time (right now, I hope he will, and if he does it will be 100% of his own accord). If I am still single and interested (and he’s sorted himself out), perhaps we can have a fresh start…

6

I didnt say you are stalking what I said was obsessive checking which almost is like borderline stalking; ). Anyways you seem to have your head in the right place so that is really good. I know it is hurtful the way he has behaved and to be honest if he does take time to figure his stuff out yes there is the possibility that you guys get back together what I am more concerned is that he does no figuring his problems and still gets back together with you because if the tries dating and most likely he will not meet any one like you who he will have as good time with he might then come back and he needs to deal first with the negatives from the broken marriage and all that has brought and then figure out what he needs and not everyone does that so just be aware of that. I do sincerely hope he gets his act together and if your gut says it is not over then trust. I always go with my gut too.

7

Hi,

So, on Tuesday a friend of mine noticed him on POF and got talking to him. She recognised him, but he doesn’t know her. He asked her how long she’s been on POF and they got talking about there history on there. He told her that he’d had one relationship that lasted 3 months last spring, a few dates since then but nothing else. As she knew this wasn’t strictly true, she kind of pressed him for more info…

He then said that there had been one more recently that he kinda regretting finishing with. She had ticked most of his boxes but he hadn’t been 100% sure he fancied her. In his next message, he back tracked and said he didn’t regret it, but meant it was a shame that he didn’t feel as romantically about her as she had him, he felt bad about it but had drawn a line under it. Then he thought and talked about it some more and said that perhaps he was too picky and had been a bit hasty in finishing it, she is/was nice and they got on well. But it wasn’t meant to be and yes, that was all down to him, he guessed.

My friend basically said look, you clearly still do feel something for her, you’ve given a list of reasons to be with her, so maybe you should swallow your male pride and admit you might have make a mistake and contact her to see if she’s still interested. He told her that he didn’t think he’d behaved badly in it, but everything she had said was right and maybe he should have given it more time and then he asked her if she thought he’d done something seriously wrong in all this.

She told him yes, he should have given it more time and should contact her. Love sometimes takes a little time to blossom (Rome wasn’t built in a day). His last response to her, which she actually forwarded to me said “…You’ve got me seriously considering giving this girl a call you know. I wasn’t in the best frame of mind for a couple of reasons when we ended it as well, maybe that might have had someone to do with it too?! Anyway, I’m sleeping on it.”

She replied and said he should, etc. She says he’s been on POF to pick the message up but she doesn’t think he’s been on at all since. I have also noticed that he’s not been on any social media much as all in the last day or so.

He hasn’t contacted me as yet. I don’t know what to make it this? If he just seriously considering it still as he said? Or has he talked himself out of it again? Is he going to, but is waiting for the right point in time (when he knows he can talk, or met, or something?)

Clare