Help: LDR He Couldn't Commit - Now he's rebounding?

reconciliation
1

Hi - I’ll try to keep this short and sweet. I just really need some direction.

I met a man, it was always LDR but he was supposedly going to move to my city for work. It was amazing - we clicked instantly and things were getting serious. We were together about 6 months - took trips together, never fought, met friends, roommates, etc. Well, he ended things abruptly because he said he wasn’t sure he was ready for a relationship at this point in his life - things felt very serious with us (and his exes recently got engaged) and he was wondering if he was ready for that right now. He also said the distance was so hard and he was worried that if we continued things - and he found out he was never going to move here, it would just be worse. He said it was timing and he wished things could be different but he felt too guilty dragging me around while his life was a mess. He seemed very upset during all this and we both kept saying we wanted to be together. We’ve both done LDR’s in the past though and it didn’t workout - so I think we both understood that too and valued each other too much. I let him go - but was also under the impression that when/if he moved here, we would rekindle things.

Well, I did NC for 6 weeks - and I ended up hearing from him when he was in town recently - we chatted briefly (over IM) and he said he still didn’t know about his moving situation but that it was looking more likely (this has always been the same story though - it’s been going on for a year and one of the reasons he felt his life was a mess). I asked if he wanted to meet up and catch up, he said maybe but we never followed through. I figured it was because nothing had changed and why bring up that pain? From his perspective, he is a man and he made a decision and he has to stick with it. I didn’t want to chase him knowing how stressed his life has been and wanted him to come to me.

Well - he keeps liking items on my FB - I’m very careful about not liking or engaging too much on his (I think I liked ONE post after NC- I’m trying to respect his space) - and then all of a sudden, he restricts my access, the same week he reached out to say ‘hi’. It was so weird - there’s something he clearly doesn’t want me to see. I can see someone who lives in my city (via instagram, he doesnt know I’m on it) and who I thought was a friend had posted a selfie of them together - and thought "well that’s probably why he restricted my access, he doesn’t want me to get the wrong idea). Keep in mind, he still likes my posts even after restricting.

Fast forward 2 weeks later, now 10 weeks after breakup, I do some exploring and I can see via Instagram the girl I thought was a friend that also lives in my City is in his hometown, and they are on a vacation trip together out there exploring! Not only that, but she posted a picture of them in a park together a WEEK AFTER WE BROKE UP. WTF. I thought they were just friends but this SHATTERS me. This is the same vacation that he and I talked about taking a WEEK BEFORE he ended things - I figured it was the catalyst of him not being ready for something serious and wanted to give him space, so why is it WEEKS LATER he’s out there with someone new? And not just that, someone who LIVES IN MY CITY SO IT’S STILL LONG DISTANCE. Nothing against this girl but he doesn’t even seem like his type! I know they couldn’t have really been seeing each other when he was with me cause we were together 24/7 when he was in my town - and I can see that DAYS after we broke up, she was all over his social media - so they knew each other beforehand (likely through a sporting league) but she pounced when things ended and they could’ve been dating either a week or 3 weeks after we broke up. It’s SO fast.

I am so hurt and devastated. He ended things because he said the distance was too hard and his life was a mess and he wasn’t ready for something serious. So, my question is, was he lying? Is this a rebound? Was he already out the door with this girl and using everything else an excuse with me? What do I do?? I loved him and I really thought he loved me, nothing matches up with what he said and how he reacted during our whole relationship to THIS. He may move here after all - when I’m not sure - but if it’s likely and he always said I’d be the light at the end of the tunnel (even as we were breaking up) - why is he now investing in her & not me? Is he just confused? Was it me? Is there any chance he’s trying to fill the void and will return to me or have I been replaced?? This hurts a lot because I’ve been cheated on before and it feels like a betrayal.

I dont know what to do. Part of me wants to ask him and part of me wants to wait it out and see if this will clear things up for him and have him come back. Does he take just anyone on these trips? Does he love her more than me? Is he suffering because I’m leaving more of a void then he thought or what? Help.

2

Went through a similar relationship. Did you ever confess your love to each other? It sounds like this new relationship is maybe just not as serious. And he still likes/loves you but doesn’t want to be committed as seriously but doesn’t mind being LD.

3

Ugh sounds like he had this chick all along in some way in his life. Only he knows for how long though. And he threw a bunch of excuses at you so he could exit the relationship. It’s not that he ran to her because you are leaving a void-because if that were true, it be someone from his hometown. Someone that lived close by to fill his time, go on dates, someone to have sex with, etc. A guy truly in love wouldn’t let distance get in the way…and he’d step up and enter a committed relationship. But your ex decided to choose another girl instead of investing. Only he knows why. It seems like this girl was trying to get her claws into him for a while before your relationship ended and my guess is they formed an emotional connection and eventually he figured out he couldn’t let her go. Do you think she knew about you?

4

I know - sucks doesn’t it? It hurts even more cause I’ve been cheated on before and it feels so similar. He was so adamant though about fidelity - he’d been cheated on before too and was sensitive to that. It’s strange - I can’t believe he feels the same for her already that he did for me. He’s VERY slow to enter into relationships - it takes him months - but he is a romantic and loves the idea of going to new places with girls, etc. Part of me thinks he just wanted a girl to travel with and she was more willing to just jump in without a commitment- it’s new and exciting, all that. And if he had gone with me, he knew it would’ve made us more serious. He does have this pattern though (which I should’ve noticed earlier) of being with a girl for a few months - and then suddenly ending things cause he can’t be in a relationship - he did that to the last girl he dated before me. But he said it was different cause he didn’t have feelings for her like he did for me. With me, he said it really was bad timing and wants things to be different sooner - but his move and everything was too much. He kept thinking he would move here ‘the next month’ and that went on forever, now it could be another year -and he’d been on the otherside in a relationship before with all the waiting and the LDR and he didn’t want to do that again. So it all made sense. I know he loved me, so this part is just shocking.

In the end though if this is his pattern - he’ll do the same thing to her that he did to me.

Would I be crazy to reach out to him and be like ‘hey, you said there wasn’t anyone else but i’m hearing different things and I want to give you the benefit of the doubt’. Would I just look crazy?

5

Oh and - I think she must’ve known about me, but I don’t know. All of his friends knew about me - his roommates, co-workers, family. I met them and they all loved me. I guess he also talked about me constantly. It’s like, the moment we were getting real he freaked out and bailed. So when things ended, I think she was right there and ready.

6

Hi HappyLady,
Ohhh he’s commitment phobic-sounds like he was hurt in the past and so he jumps relationships whenever he feels that the relationship is evolving to the next level. The new girl is in for a rude awakening at some point because he won’t last with her and whoever else comes along after. Not until he works through the issues that keep him from staying in a relationship. I highly highly highly doubt that he feels the same for her that he felt for you at this point. If he’s into the newness of a relationship, it will wear off and then he will either look inside himself and try to figure out where it all went wrong with you or he will naively live the commitment phobic lifestyle.

7

‘hey, you said there wasn’t anyone else but i’m hearing different things and I want to give you the benefit of the doubt’. Would I just look crazy?

Yeah a tiny bit crazy but it’s okay. Everyone looks crazy at some point after a breakup. If he were in your position, would he text you something like that?

8

Thanks for replying - and you know I think you’re right. I hate that I care - but geesh I do!

Like I said, the week before we were talking about meeting each other’s families and had such a week where we clicked, everything was in sync and it WAS getting serious. I think he freaked. I can believe that a man can’t commit when he feels lost. I think he was like ‘omg I’m in a serious relationship and my life is still a mess, what am I doing’ and thought he was doing the right thing by ending it. And now, when he’s in town he doesn’t have anyone else to hang out with and she’s making sure shes’ there. It’s better then sitting around doing nothing and being reminded of me in a city he’s come to associate with me (and now her). Unconsciously and consciously he’s doing the same thing to her that he thought was too irresponsible to do to me.

And I think he still wanted to do this trip but didn’t want to do it alone - and she jumped right in. But if he’s so commitment phob and loves his space, I can’t imagine having this new girl with him 24/7 for 2 weeks is going to go well - but maybe it is. I hope he’s with her thinking of me and missing me more, lol. Or it could be the opposite too - which would suck.

When/if he moves here, I hope he reaches out to me and not her. If what we had was so special I hope he can’t forget about me & get over me that fast. But, if he’s done this before, he will do it again. Dah. men.

9

HappyLady29, have you heard from your ex? or have you tried to contact him?

10

Hi There and thanks again for your replies.

No, I have not heard from him. The last I heard from him was about a month ago when he reached out to say hi while he was in town.

I thought it was a rebound because when he comes here he spends 24/7 with me and then all of a sudden, I wasn’t there and that’s why I said before there had to be a void - and she was there to fill it. He was upset when we broke up - said he thought it was a mistake, and had a really hard time leaving. He always said he loved his time with me and when he wasn’t with me it’s all he thought about and he hated dragging me around while his life was so confusing and he couldn’t give me any answers. He lives in his head. I thought he broke up impulsively and then was like WTF did I just do… yet had to stick with his decision - and this new girl was right there.

Anyways - I know he is off work the last 2 weeks - the weeks while she’s out there visiting him so I certainly won’t be hearing from him right now. Who knows if I will in the future. It’s interesting, when I said I was going on a trip the weekend after we broke up - he seemed upset and it was the weekend she was posting pics of them out ‘exploring’. And then when he was in town recently I told him about an upcoming trip and asked if he finally got a vaca - he said he had nothing planned. He seemed to be so excited and curious about my trip - and then weeks later now he’s got this thing with this girl on a trip. You see what I mean about it seemingly being a distraction??

BUT if he’s such a commitment-phob, her constant tagging of him on social media (which I never did) and the fact that he’s now with her 24/7 for 2 solid weeks makes me wonder if they are either a) totally bonding and now in love and I am a mere distant memory or b) the rose colored glasses are coming off - cause that’s a lot of time to spend with someone with no breathing room when you like your ‘space’.

He’s either all about her and wasn’t into me nearly the same, or this is a rebound that he’s getting a lot of attention from and won’t last. The fact that she jumped right in and flew there to his hometown and stayed for so long is quite ballsy - that may turn him off but what do I know? For her it’s a big deal to have this experience - it’s overseas, yet for him it’s where he lives. Selfishly I hope he doesn’t build up better memories than he had with me when we traveled somewhere new.

I’m at this point feeling like the relationship might’ve been in my head - he might do this to everyone but I know I deserve more - not someone who’s so hot and cold. Of course I’d love to hear from him one day and have him come back, realize that he freaked out and made a big mistake and that this girl confirms it for him. But, I can’t wait for that. I’m off living my life and dating, etc. I would love to have a convo with him when day to figure out WTF happened but some men, like my ex before him, are just incapable of that.