It is hard for me to write about this here. I am so worried that I will be judged, even though I know I haven’t necessarily done something terrible. I think I just need to get this out somewhere.
I am a 44-year-old woman. I started dating a 41-year-old man in January after we met on Hinge. He had only been separated from his ex-wife since October of last year. She had literally only moved out of their family home three months before he met me. Of course, he had told me that the marriage had been over emotionally for a long time before the final separation.
We connected very quickly. We are from the same country and are both immigrants living in another country. I have been here for 27 years, whereas he has only been here for four. He has two young children, and I have three grown-up sons.
For 4.5 months, I gave him warmth, connection, and support. I was there through the times when he was struggling. I listened while he talked about how difficult it was adjusting to single parenthood, no longer being able to spend time with mutual friends in the same way they had as a family, and all the other emotional challenges that came with such a huge life change.
I am naturally a very light and happy person. However, I have been hurt badly in the past, and I do have some significant trust issues. I genuinely thought I had worked through most of them and was ready to date again. However, as you will see from the rest of my story, I am now questioning whether I was as ready as I thought I was.
On the flip side of having such a lovely time with this man, there were a few moments where he said or did things relating to his ex-wife that made me feel uneasy. For example, one night he showed me their wedding video — including the part where they were kissing — while the exact same song was playing for us in the background. There were other small things too.
I tried to ignore those feelings. I told myself I was being insecure, that it was understandable given what he had been through, and that those feelings would eventually pass.
However, everything came tumbling down over the last two weekends.
The first weekend, my parents came over for dinner at his house. It was a lovely evening, but at some point he shared with my mum how difficult this whole process had been for him. I had drunk too much red wine that night, and after my parents left, I became emotional and brought up my trust issues with him in a confrontational way.
We went to bed feeling disconnected. The next morning, he tried to ask me what had happened and why I had reacted that way, but I felt ashamed and couldn’t properly explain myself.
Fast forward to the following Wednesday. We started talking about transgender and gay people. My brother is a transgender man, and two of my closest friends are gay. He is a very committed Christian with strong beliefs. I am also Christian, but I have a broader understanding of these issues.
He told me that “those people” choose to be that way and that it was simply a choice. He didn’t seem open to understanding the complexity behind it, and that really hurt me. Again, after having a couple of drinks, I became sarcastic and said that perhaps he should find a “straight-up Pollyanna” at church who would suit him better.
We moved past that, but then we had another similar issue on the Friday night and again on the Saturday night.
The next morning, he told me that I “switch” after drinking wine and become a completely different person.
To be fair, this had only happened during those final two weeks. Something in my gut had been screaming, and I think all of those feelings came out in a really unhealthy way.
I am deeply embarrassed about how I handled those nights. I cannot take them back. It took me some time afterwards to realise that there was more going on than just my reactions, and that perhaps I wasn’t the only one carrying things into this relationship.
The following morning, he was cold and asked for space. I sent him a long apology, taking responsibility for my behaviour.
He responded with a very emotional message. He told me he didn’t want any more drama or heaviness in his life. He said that I had been a source of light and warmth throughout our relationship, but that the events of those last two weeks had massively changed how he viewed things. He said he needed to step back and decide what he wanted because he couldn’t make emotional decisions while exhausted.
I texted him asking if I could come and collect my jewellery that I had left at his house. He said he could drop it off at some point.
I didn’t hear from him for five days.
Then he sent a practical message saying he would drop my rings off before going away for the weekend with his children. It was friendly, but very practical. At that point, I felt I knew where things were heading.
So I sent him a graceful breakup message.
He responded with a very emotional reply. He told me I was amazing, that I shouldn’t carry guilt because these events did not define me as a person, and that he would miss me.
The next morning, he left my rings in my mailbox with two chocolates.
I was devastated. I felt like I had ruined something that could have been really special.
A week later, I noticed he was back on Hinge.
I decided to remove him from my social media and archive our WhatsApp chat.
Two weeks later, I opened the archived messages and saw that he had tried to message me at some point — but had deleted it.
Nothing else happened.
Then something incredibly embarrassing happened yesterday.
I realised he had blocked me on Facebook and Instagram, and I couldn’t understand why.
Then, to my absolute horror, I noticed that I had accidentally sent a friend request to his ex-wife sometime the previous weekend. I genuinely had no idea I had done it. She must have mentioned it to him, and now I am blocked.
I immediately removed the request, obviously, but I feel absolutely mortified and sad.
I know I didn’t handle those nights well. The drinking, the defensiveness, and the way I brought up my fears were not okay.
But I also wonder if there were valid reasons why my gut was unsettled. His response to my breakup message was kind and loving, but I am left feeling confused.
I just needed to get this off my chest.
I feel embarrassed, heartbroken, and honestly a bit lost.