I don’t know what you want? Why are you so pissed at me? This is my problem. Who says everyone will say the same thing? Not everyone said the same thing, not here and not outside of the boards. So just relax no one did anything to you
kaila,
i havent checked this forum in a few weeks so missed a lot of details but i just decided to log on and i have to tell you, there is absolutely nothing you can do. you didnt cause him to leave you the first time or the second. he left because he wanted to. saying i love you or sleeping with him or doing anything would have made zero difference. he lost feelings. it happens. in life we don’t always get second chances. theres no recipe to get an ex back. the truth is that most people don’t.
your ex isn’t confused. he went back to you because it was comfortable and you were readily available. he doesnt value you. you need to move on. what youre doing by contacting him every few weeks is just banging your head against the wall. you are showing him youre weak and he will pity you - something you NEVER should want from him
cut all contact with him. remove him from social media, block his number, etc. its not your choice. he doesnt want to be with you. mourn the relationship. stay in bed all day, eat ice cream, cry to some friends. then after two weeks get up and get out and start enjoying life. a year ago at this time you weren’t even with him!!! you were a happy person before him and you will be a happy person again, but you need to allow yourself.
what you need to do is stop scheming for how to get him back. stop playing games. its dumb. promise yourself you will devote yourself to moving on (and yes, moving on is a choice)! you have to CHOOSE to do it. tell yourself you will make every effort to forget about him and focus on you and your own happiness. make a deal with yourself that you will not reach out to him for 6 months. period. if 6 months from now of virtually zero contact you still feel like you can’t let it go then by all means feel him out. but honestly, you hadn’t healed from the breakup. you wanted a quick fix. the fact that youre so desperate in this situation just shows you didnt realize you would be ok without him. please let yourself heal. this situation is toxic for you. take a step back and find happiness. no guys find a needy girl attractive. you can do it.
you need to set your mind to it. i am 100% positive that you will not get him back right now. your only shot (which not to be harsh, i think is a long shot) is to go NC and heal and move on and be happy and if you cross paths down the road then great. you can decided to do this now or you can torture yourself for a few more months before you decide to start healing but whats the point? you have to admit its over and accept it.
Hey atea 
Glad to read you. How have you been?
I don’t plan on contacting him every few weeks. I just plan on giving myself a week or two, and talk with him. Clear some doubts in my mind, understand a few things. And yes probably I will have to move on. It’s not easy at all. Also unfortunately I wasn’t happy before him. And that is very bad too. It’s easier for me to think how good I was feeling the last month of the break up. I was living my life not thinking much of him anymore, and that is when we got back. Now opening all this up, thinking this was our chance and not fully having a chance to see how it could go… it just opened it all up again. The wounds.
Listen to atea1234. Nobody wants to be harsh with you. No body wants to hurt you. But you aren’t listening to a single thing anyone is even saying. Even though I don’t want to agree with between1standa, at least she is kind enough to tell you the truth. Getting more peoples opinions at this point is just going to hurt more. No one is going to tell you to hang on. No one is going to sugar coat this for you. No one is going to tell you that there is hope. You have got to at least listen to atea1234. You need to move on… I’m sorry.
After 3 years of my relationship, and dealing with this stuff for an extra 7 months when he was my legitamite first EVERYTHING, I am willing to move on just fine. I gave myself Monday to cry it out, and now I’m happy. Of course my situation is different, but I’m not going to keep pining over someone who isn’t doing the same for me (even though my ex wants me in his future, he doesn’t right now and it is a sting). It is time to move on.
If you weren’t happy before him then you were just opening yourself up to something toxic. Trust me, I know.
Yes, I created that toxicity with him.
I don’t like comparing situations. More or less time, first, not first. Isn’t all that important. I wanted a future with him and at one point we both did. It’s serious enough for me to want it to work and at the end of the day I am the one who has to live with things, I am the one who has to see things for myself.
If I can’t ramble it all in here, then I can’t do it anywhere. These boards exist for that. To just say everything and anything and get opinions, support, etc. You might be right about it being worse for me to want more opinions. But not everyone has the opinion it’s over for good and a handful of people think he might be confused. I will take that as my only option to do something right now. If that is not the case, I won’t pressure him anyway. I will just say the rest I’ve got to say, clear my heart and mind and try to move on after that. I just ask you to support my decision or at least don’t bring anymore hurt for me at this exact moment. I will deal with things as I go
exactly! and that is a lesson. i learned the hard way. every single time i spoke to my ex or saw my ex no matter what he said, if it was that he loved me and needed time or that i should move on, i felt nauseous and couldn’t eat or sleep for days before i settled. i felt like i had so many things left to say and i just kept reaching back out.
finally, my best friend who was sick of listening to me cry and complain told me i had to decide to move on, that my ex was an unhealthy addiction and he made his choice. if in the future he wants to get back together, he knows how to contact me. we left on good terms. i sent him a goodbye letter to tell him i was moving on 2 months ago and i told him it would be my last time initiating contact and it was. he texted me last week to wish me a happy birthday and we exchanged 2-3 very short texts back and forth. it is not healthy for us to be in contact and we both know that. we are on great terms and i know if i need him or he needs me, we will be there for each other in a heartbeat but i had to heal from the breakup and he needed to pursue other relationships and that was just the harsh truth and we were holding each other back by remaining in contact.
i have been actually, for the first time in the 8 months we’ve been apart, happy. of course i have down days and i miss him and want to talk to him sometimes, but i am happy and healing. i met a guy totally randomly and unexpectedly who is wonderful and treats me like a princess and i am really enjoying being with him. we are taking things slow.
do i still love my ex? absolutely and unconditionally. but when you love someone sometimes you have to let them go and be happy. my ex wasnt 100% happy with me and that was hard to admit but its true. he wouldnt have left if he was. its the same with your ex. it doesnt mean you or i did anything wrong - these things just happen. i have a very tiny ounce of hope left in me but i have pushed it back to the very back of my mind and told myself if i am not over him after the year mark of our break up i will feel him out but i know he is seeing someone now and is happy and i don’t want to interfere or disrespect his new relationship. i have amazing friends, finished my first year of my masters, have a great job this summer, and seeing a great new guy. life is pretty good but i really did have to let him go to get here. it hurts uncontrollably but once i ripped off the bandaid i saw so much more is in store for me. if its meant to be with my ex then we will find our way back to each other - we are young. whatever is meant to be will be and will happen without scheming we have to let the universe unfold naturally. life has a funny way of working out!
I am happy you are like this now. I truly am
I had hopes we could get back later someday and make it work before we got back recently. Now I don’t even know if it is ever possible for us to get back in the long run. He wanted to be back someday. We already did. He didn’t feel the same…
Do you think there is also that hope for us that someday down the road we might cross paths and it can happen?
I’m not pissed at you. I feel incredibly sorry for you, for other people on this board, for myself. I hate that we’re all here hurting. But it is INCREDIBLY frustrating to see multiple people give you the same advice I gave you and to watch you continually blow us all off and then ask for more advice, only to get the exact same advice. I just don’t see the point. But whatever. You’re totally right, I don’t have to keep posting, and you’re entitled to do whatever you want. I just see you hurting yourself more and more the longer this goes on.
Kaila,
I completely agree with between1standa. It sounds like you are emotionally beating yourself up for not saying I love you and not having sex. You saying that you like him rather than telling him that you love him would make no difference in this situation. None. If a guy is truly in love with a girl, those loving feelings toward her aren’t going to change because she said “like” instead of love. It doesn’t matter if you took it as slow as possible, your ex did not want to be in a relationship with you. And that’s the bottom line. You didn’t kill anything by taking it slow. In order for a couple to make it through a reconciliation, both of them need to be on the same page and the feelings must be mutual. See that’s what you and your ex lacked. It sounds like he cared for you but not enough to fully commit and make you his girl. And his feelings obviously were not strong enough to persevere through your rocky relationship history. He’s not confused nor did he overthink things. You thinking those thoughts is your mind’s way of giving you false hope because the pain is too much to deal with. He just does not have strong enough feelings for you. There is no remedy for that situation. You just have to walk away and find another cool guy.
The people that have told you that the beginning is weird are trying to protect you from the pain of loss. Regardless of the things he has to offer, he does not want to be your man. Keep telling yourself that because it’s the reality. You do feel madly in love after you get back together but more important than that-the couple needs to be willing to persevere through anything and move forward. You guys lack this. If he were in love with you, he would have fought and devoted himself to the relationship to make up for lost time. Don’t think that just because you didn’t say I love you made your ex bail. When a guy is in love, he falls very hard and he doesn’t give up if the feelings are mutual. I wouldn’t even bother talking to him for a week or two nor several months from now. He’s not ever going to give you what you want because it’s obvious his heart isn’t in it. One of the most disturbing things that you posted was that you felt that you deserved a certain ending. Love does not work that way.
Kaila, have you been through this before with other exes?
I didn’t deserve to go thru this and if he was unsure he should have told me, and not tell me that we were back for good. How come two days ago he said he would make efforts for us to work, that he liked being alone but I was worth to invest in and he wanted to put the two together, be with me but still have his time if the actual problem was his lack of feelings? It doesn’t make that much sense.
Also some exes break up because they say they don’t feel the same anymore. Is that a definite deal breaker to get back? No. There is specific advice for that. So I don’t see why we can NEVER get back EVER. This is a lot to take in and I wouldn’t be surprised he got scared, confused, and he wasn’t ready to lose his “freedom” right now, as he said he doesn’t have ENOUGH feelings to get in a COMMITMENT with me
So it might be, or not be. I’m going with whatever life gives me and if life is gonna give me 10 people being harsh at me and if that is what I need right now to get strong/move on/whatever I will take it and learn and grow. But I still got to fight. I did that once and it worked to an extent. So I won’t give up 100% just yet, and he has stuff that is mine, and anyway I wont go and beg or do anything that bad.
Because that’s probably what he wanted to want. He wanted to be able to make you happy, to give you what you want, and to feel that way. And for a brief time, he probably thought he could do that. But he realized he ultimately couldn’t, so he ended it. Was it fair of him? No. He shouldn’t have acted on any feelings either way until he’d thought about them more clearly. But such is life.
No one has said it couldn’t work out in the future. What we’ve told you is it can’t work out in the NEAR future and you need to drop that idea real quick. At the very least, I’d say you need six months alone to try and work on yourself and to not talk to him. AT LEAST. Could this work out years from now? Yes, of course. Nothing is guaranteed either way. But for now, it is over. You need to move on and recognize that if you are really meant to be, it’ll work itself out in time.
You’re not going with whatever life gives you though. Or you’re at least doing it selectively. If you were going with what life gave you, you’d accept the break up, which you seem physically incapable of doing for whatever reason. Instead, you say you’re doing it by thinking life is somehow unfairly throwing you people giving you advice you don’t like. But that’s the thing about advice, you risk people not agreeing with you. You say you’ve got to fight but there is NOTHING to fight for. I don’t know where you’re getting this from, honestly. If he has some of your stuff, tell him you need it, get it, and get out so you can get on with your life.
And you know what? I deserve someone that will make me happy and love me for who I am. Someone that will help me heal these wounds, and the wounds of many many years of trouble in my life that made me insecure and all that stuff.
Being insecure I have my doubts I will ever find it. As the most amazing person I found loved me back,I ruined it, we got back and he just didnt try enough. Will I ever find that? I’m unsure.
But I do deserve someone like that. That TRULY appreciates who I am. And if it’s not him, then I don’t want him. But if in the most minor of options he is just confused/scared/whatever, I will still try something. If not I will move on. Trust me. I can do this, I’m sure
Between, honestly. Please stop. Let me be in my thread. Life is indeed throwing at me people being harsh. It might be the harsh truth, yes. I am not saying it is or isn’t. And I am not trying to offend or sound ungrateful. I am actually saying this is probably what I need right now. If I just shut up and don’t let anyone know I still got hope, it will still be here. As much as anyone wants to change my mind for MY OWN GOOD, I will have to do this for me
Hi Kaila, i have tried to read most of the postings …
I think u should see this as a challenge in your life.
For me the reality is that none of us know what life will bring. But to keep hope for this guy may result in you missing out from other great guys, probably even better guys…
You are very young. There will be other guys that will treat u like a princess and will not want to hurt u at all… I know it sounds like a fairy tale to u but you will see the difference when u actually meet this guy and u will for sure regret being upset for ur ex…
I believe you are overthinking about a lot of things and blaming urself… You are not fair to urself…
You see from this board as well that so many people go through a lot of difficult times and most of the cases there is no point in trying to put blame on urself or the other partner…
i think u should take things slowly in ur life… First of all, i would suggest to stop analysing what happened, how it could have happened etc…, just try not to think about it…u can cry and get it out of ur system but dont blame urself for things anymore…
Then try to do smtg fun at least 3 times a week… Sports works best for me… I am focused and dont think about anything at all…
It will get better and by time u will not even think about contacting him…
I have faith in you … You can do this !
Ty Jasminka86 I’m not feeling all that bad right now. A friend just called me and I am surprised how strong I was telling her and I see now that I don’t think he deserves me anymore. He hurt me a lot and didn’t even think twice about breaking up with me a week before my admission exam. I’m still gonna talk with him and see how he feels. I even thought if I should follow the 5 steps and write some kind of letter just like it was a normal break up. But emotionally I am withdrawing from him already. I know he is a good match for me in a lot of things and that I love him, but I feel like maybe it’s not it.
I’ve got a severe head ache > . < argh. I will just distract myself and relax for now 
Thank you for your kind message
kaila,
there is always the chance. we never know what the universe will throw at us. do i believe its likely you will reconcile? personally, no. but i don’t know you or your ex and im no expert so you need to take everything i say with a grain of salt.
i have a story for you. my best friend from college broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years two and a half years back. she was completely devastated. he was her first love and she was sure they would get married. he told her he met someone and wanted to pursue it and see what else was out there etc. she was shattered but loved him enough to give him his space to move on. he started dating the other girl and stayed with her for 1.5 years just breaking up with her last august due to incompatibility. my best friend stuck to nc. she was in too much pain to contact him and knew she would have to accept the break up and give him his space. she was sad but she eventually healed and met a great guy. she stayed with him for almost two years. their relationship ended because she lost feelings. she then ran into the initial ex completely randomly at a bar after not seeing each other or speaking for two years. they were both single and spent hours catching up and talking. they are now currently working on getting back together and rebuilding their relationship. the reason i think it will work this time around is because they have both learned to be alone and to be with others, but their love didnt fade in the two years of no contact. she always loved him but knew this was best. she didnt spend the two years apart scheming about how to get him back. she healed and moved on. i know there were times she thought they would never speak or see each other again. she lived her life for her and fate brought them back to each other.
so yes, maybe there is hope for you, but if it would ever work out, it is a long ways away. go nc. date other guys. see where life takes you. you shouldn’t have to work so hard to force something.
You do have to understand that comparing the whole first or last things are VERY important. When you have people that you share a first with, it is harder to let go. I was basically pointing out that my ex was my first EVERYTHING and I made the decision to let go. Yes I had a future planned with him. We got to the point where he had me looking at engagement rings, trying to get an apartment together, even him naming our unborn children! Everything was about US and OUR future. I was still able to overcome all of that and let it go. I was using my situation as support for yours saying you CAN and you WILL do this.
I’m sorry if you took it the wrong way, but I have your back. You need to understand that I will compare in order for you to see that everything will be okay… I promise… It is so hard… But I swear on everything, you will do amazing!
Still he was the only person I have been really intimate in my life. And I’m 24. It’s not late for me to find someone but I was already at a point in my life where it was a good age to find that someone. I lived the single life and all that. I wasn’t ready for it and I’m definitely not ready now. If I did find someone now, that person would have to do a lot to help me heal. And it isn’t fair on anyone, and I need to heal by myself. The only person that was acceptable to go thru this with me is him.
I am accepting this is the end of the road for us for the foreseeable future. I don’t want to. I don’t want to at all. Part of me feels that all the holding on, the positive thoughts, the seeing us back together, was what lead us to get back together. I still feel all this is way too messy but it’s something I will see clarified at some point to some extent at least.
I am getting more and more rational. I got out of bed. I was forced to kinda. I went and sold my tickets for today. I’m trying not to think of it as this was something I was looking forward to do with him even before we got back. And we did get back just in time to really go together. Or so I thought. And now, a few days before boom. We were having dinner at a nice restaurant, going to this concert…sleeping together and making love for the first time since being together again… It is really painful. But I also think that it’s a manageable pain, whereas the first time, it wasn’t.
I want to ask everyone that comments on here not to be harsh at me anymore cause 1 I don’t need it anymore right now. And 2 I want this to be a comfortable place for me to come, rant, get some positive vibes and thoughts to help me thru this. I don’t need to be broken to more pieces. Thank you.