He wants to break up AGAIN! please help urgent! gonna talk to him today KAILA

Breakup Help reconciliation
41

“You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.”

Key point, right on the home page.

42

To sum it all up: The only way you are going to get your ex back, is by not trying to get him back at all!

43

I didnt blow him off -.- I didn’t disrespect him. GTG now. Be back in an hour or two. Thank you for all the support.

Oh and btw I was good without him already. Kinda. Me trying to do the best to increase my chances isnt bad.

44

It’s not bad at all. That’s what we’re all trying to do, so no one is judging you. It begins to be problematic when your sole focus is on wanting him back and doing anything to try and make that happen, even when there’s nothing you can possibly do and your attempts are detrimental to yourself. We all just want you to take care of yourself and work on dealing with the pain this scumbag has caused you. He doesn’t deserve more of your time and energy at this point. In the future, things could change, but not right now.

45

Hi Kaila,
I hate to say this but this relationship is beyond dead and you dont have a choice except to accept it. And it sounds like you are trying to revive it by any means necessary and none of the things you mentioned will bring it back to life. Sleeping with your ex wouldn’t solve anything and it will just make you feel cheap and very used. Telling him that you love him is going to make him feel very awkward and uncomfortable. The reason is because he isn’t in love anymore. His words and the way he treats you are spelling it out for you. Like Finntoga was saying, telling a guy that he is confused or that you should take it slow is not going to make him come back. I didn’t know you guys were together for only a few months. It sounds like it proceeded rapidly in the beginning and burned itself out. You guys didn’t even make it through the honeymoon period which should last at least 2 years. You will get through this…sry it didn’t work out for you.

Its impossible to make a guy feel something you want them to feel. I was reading your thread about the talk you had with him about your relationship issues. I cringed at the things you were bringing up so soon after trying to get back together…

46

No one said you blew him off. No one said you disrespected him. If you were good without him already, we wouldn’t be talking right now. I used to say that, until I realized that being on here just proves that if I was good without him, I wouldn’t need any of this or the support.

He basically flat out told you that you doing your best isn’t going to change anything. I’m sorry to be harsh (because I am normally not the harsh one) but if you are going to be like that (last paragraph you stated) then someone has to be harsh with you.

We are telling you that your best hope is to stop trying. Whatever you do, you cannot change a person’s mind. I had to come a VERY long way to realize all of this. Now I am stronger. Now I can say I’m good without him. I’m not crying over him. I don’t care to contact him or to hear from him. But, while doing my NC right now, I will be honest to everyone that I still have this hope that will grasp his attention. If it doesn’t, by that point I will be more than okay with it. If he can’t see everything I’ve done for him, then he doesn’t deserve me, my time, or my love.

It sucks, and I feel for you. But don’t be mean to the people who are trying to help you. If you want us to sugar coat things for you, well then that is giving you false hope and we all care enough to not do that to each other.

47

ellie96, you basically said it all.

48

I am functioning on a half brain so I apologize for anything I might have said or might said that can be understood as mean.

I didnt meant to be mean, I simply stated I wasn’t disrespecting him because yes I was told that. Or at least I think I read that. If I misunderstood sorry, as I said I’m totally not in me.

And yes I was ok without him. I still wanted to be with him. What I meant is I could live without him. Now after being back again and all that stuff, losing him again didn’t make me go back to how I was before where I didn’t want to live, but almost. Anyway, it has been only a few hours. I think you are talking about me saying I want to do what I can to get him back. I mean, right now, I want to think about it cause this is the time I can still act on it.

dragongirl, he did tell me we were back, so I thought in order for it to work we having this talk would be good. And it did went well. I didn’t know there was more to this though.

Its hard for me to think about it a bit but… do you think if I just REALLY let things go at his own pace this wouldnt happen?

Also I meant having sex and saying I love him, BEFORE, he did this, if that would make us just be more passionate about this. Maybe he thinks it should be like that, and because I was holding out for it for this weekend (THIS WEEKEND! wtf! it was just 3 more days), maybe he just didnt feel the passion and started thinking it’s wrong?

I would like to understand this…

49

I keep trying to figure out what to say here, and I’m coming up empty. I’m just going to leave it at this: if this is how he feels, there is nothing you could’ve done differently that would change this. If the issue was a lack of immediately passion, he could’ve communicated that and it could’ve been fixed. But he didn’t, so you did nothing wrong and there’s nothing to fix. There’s also nothing to understand and you’re just going to hurt yourself and prolong this by trying to figure it out. Just stop. Seriously, stop. Let him go. Start the healing process. It’s hard, but it needs to begin.

50

What if he didnt think about that option? Like when he first broke up with me, he never thought that telling me he was thinking about breaking up could’ve make me change those things that were making him feel like he wanted to break up.

Maybe now he just knows it’s what he feels. He isn’t thinking of a solution. Like last time. I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow, or next week. Now I am ok. Probably too soon to feel anything really. I still think it’s possible he is confused/overthinking. I am also accepting slowly maybe this was it. I don’t know though if he is just confused or overthinked everything, if I should talk to him and put that possibility in his head to help him understand his feelings better (as some of you said HE is feeling bad right now, and HE needs help right now), or if he will get to that conclusion even if I dot say anything and I just need to let him be for now.

My question is, in the chance that he was just overthinking stuff, thinking he should feel all these things, if he will come to it on his own or if he might need my help to understand it

51

If he didn’t think about that option and he’s still thinking about you or wanting to figure it out, he’ll come to that conclusion on his own at some point. And if he’s not still thinking about you or wanting to figure it out, he’s not going to listen to your logic anyways, so why waste your breathe and dignity?

From my experience with my current ex and guys before, they DO NOT like being told that they’re missing some point or that they’re not thinking of everything, especially when they’ve made a decision. I’ll just reiterate what I’ve said before: literally the only way you stand a chance of getting him back at this point is starting NC and taking care of yourself and trying to move. This is the only way he’s going to start to miss you and appreciate you. Nothing you can say or do is going to convince he’s wrong at this point, only time will.

If you say anything or do anything at this point, I’d almost bet my life that nothing else comes of this and he rethinks nothing. He has to come to this on his own and you have to let him. I’m going to stop replying at this point because I’ve really said all I have to say. It appears you’re not ready to accept that NC is your only option or that taking care of yourself is the only thing that will make things better, and that’s fine. It’s a hard thing to accept. I’m not going to keep wasting my breath though. Deep down, you know what you need to do. Multiple people have told you what that is. You can listen or you can do whatever you want, but I’m not going to keep trying to convince you.

52

Ok thank you for your help. The thing isn’t that I don’t want to accept no contact if the way to go. I just want to be sure it’s the best thing.

And the fact I gave him all this time, and did all these things, sure it got him back to me. But not really. So now I question everything even more. It’s even harder and confusing.

Thanks a lot though really. I’m feeling a bit better about things even though probably it’s just temporary

53

Kaila, honestly it would have been better if you had given the relationship more time to grow before you brought all the issues up. That convo was a lot of pressure on your ex even if he pretended everything was good because your bond is still too fragile.You should have had more fun with him this way he would have associated you with positive memories rather than negative ones.

54

No, if you know you can live without him, that feeling will not be temporary. You have to let yourself go through the process of loss. Which is grief, acceptance, and moving on. You can do this. Grief is the hardest part, but it is the most necessary.

If he thinks it through later then maybe go from there. But as of right now, it is what it is. Let it be. I don’t want to be telling you this because I care, but since I do care, I have no other choice…

55

I know hun… you aren’t hurting me. thank you for your help. I still am unsure if I shouldnt just talk with him. Being passive didnt get me now where…

56

I think what you should do is write it all down.
Pros and cons list.
What you see the outcome being.
What you think it is worth.
Also, create a guy that can fill your needs, if he doesn’t match that guys criteria, then really think.

This all has to be thought through. You can talk to him if you want. But you need to think about it before you do it.

57

Kaila I’m so sorry for you. I can feel your pain. It’s so hard but like everyone said you have no choice but to stick to NC for now. You could talk to him and tell him about your feelings but it would just make you feel bad and seem needy again. And besides do you really want a guy who wouldn’t fight for you and make you chase after him like this? I know how it feels when you think that you’ve finally found “the one” and everything seemed perfect, but then he’s leaving you so easily and not fighting for you, if you think about it this way, you’ll realize that it’s not worth it going after a guy like that. Not your dignity, your energy or time. I’m sure that he still cares for you, but only time can make him realize what he truly wants.

I’ve also reached the point where I don’t have the urge to contact my ex. I thought about it and realized that if we get back together, it wouldn’t feel right knowing that I was the only one fighting and doing everything, you’ll feel much better knowing that he fights as well, guys know how to court and chase a girl when they want, so you should let him be the one that does that. Also you did everything right, know that you’ve tried your best and there’s nothing more you can do about it at the moment. That’s the whole point of Kevin’s plan, your doing NC for yourself and then trying to get your ex back knowing that it might never happen, if all you did didn’t help then you know that you did your best and you can move on feeling complete with yourself. It’s his fault, he is the one who is wrong. And when he realize that it might be too late because you already realized that you don’t want someone like him and moving on with your life.

We are all here to support you!

58

it had only been a week and a half though… there wasnt enough time for fun or anything… idk… i had my doubts too but at least a month would be needed to hae any conclusions

59

I disagree with the part of not talking about feelings, because that does not necessarily make you seem needy. 2 examples:

1st one: “I love you and I need you, trust me, It can work. We can be a better couple If we work together… I will change bla bla bla”

THATS NEEDY

2nd one: “I analyzed the relationship before the break up and I felt this way, we had XXXX problems and whe should have spoken about it earlier… after the breakup I felt (They way you felt) and now I feel this way. And Im telling you this in order to take away this burden from the shoulders so I can continue with my life”

THATS NOT NEEDY

In my opinion (And after reading a lot of pages about breakups and my experience) I’ve found three cases:

1st - Start NC after a having a “Needy” conversation - It usually doesnt work (I’ll say, 10% of the cases work) because you didnt take away the burden from your shoulders, and you are giving a lot of power to your EX. If he/she ever contact you its usually because he/she needs a backup plan… and he/she knows that you’ll be there

2nd - Start NC after not having a single conversation - It could work (I’ll say, 40-50% of the cases) BUT it will be hard because you (And maybe he/she) still having the burden of the breakup over your shoulders… so, even after after the smaller discussion, your subconscious will remember everything you did not say, and you’ll end up in a mess. And I think that this is your case KAILA, because you told that 2 or 3 days after getting him back, you two already had your first Discussion.

3rd - Start NC after having a not needy conversation - It has more chances to work (I’ll say 70%) because youre showing he/she that YOUR OBJECTIVE is to move on (That’s why youre willing to take away that burden), that YOU’RE NOT NEEDY (Because you are accepting the breakup, analizing it, and being honest about it) and the most important thing… If you ever get him/her back, YOU WONT HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY ABOUT THE PAST RELATIONSHIP, SO YOU’LL BE READY TO START A NEW ONE.(And In the worst case, at least you’ll have have your conscience in order) (It’s like the magical letter but face to face)

I’m going to stick with the third one tomorrow, because I tried the other two and they didnt work.

I used the first one and my ex blocked me (I started NC after getting blocked) and she only unblocked me when she needed me (And she was sure that I was going to be there.
After that I used the second one and after some more NC, she contacted me only to tell me that she has a new BF…
It’s the turn for the third one, I’m going to release myself from my burden tomorrow, show her that I’m decide to move on and that I won’t be there whenever she wants. Then, when all my emotions have left , when I have no more to say and my conscience is calm , I will begin again with the NC and time will tell if I’m wrong or right.

Just “Ignoring” someone wont make him want to come to you. Accept that, NC is an important part, but not more that others.

60

I think I’m gonna give it a week to heal, think this thru and have a talk with him. IDK

I feel like I’m dying inside. I love him so much and this hurts so bad…