My now former boyfriend and I have broken up, in the end of the relationship there was a lack of effort, he seemed complacent, unenthused and too comfortable, he would also drink a lot, he didn’t seem to care what I thought of it he isn’t a drunk but it was very often I felt like I wasn’t being heard I also felt a lack of commitment and attraction I didn’t see the passion in his eyes I felt “ use to”, in the beginning of our relationship he was not faithful and had many girls in his phone and cheated on me with his neighbor, I decided to forgive him because I love him and wanted to still be with him years went by and I found minor things here and there in his phone like flirtatious texts and I of course told him it hurt my feelings it eventually stopped, but I was stuck in this mentality of never feeling good enough, when I would be away he wouldn’t call me like I would call him but I can say that he loves me there are good things he has done and good things in the relationship but I always felt like he was holding back on me he blamed his first gf that he was scared but we had been together for four years and even after I forgave him and I believe he loves me there still a sense of holding back it made me ache, but near the end of all this talking telling him I had an accumulation of feelings and felt unhappy he said things would change to wait until he “ got on his feet” which he could’ve done more than a few times which I understand everyone goes at their own pace and I’m not justifying my wrong doing at all I just want to clarify My headspace and I wandered mentally, I began to speak with someone else and it eventually led up to me cheating, I felt absolutely disgusted with myself, I had only ever been with my boyfriend of more than a couple years and afterwards I felt horrible I immediately regretted my decision, when I told him he blew up, he couldn’t believe me, he thought I was joking, I got called the worst names and screamed at for a good while as expected, I have made it clear I am willing to do anything absolutely anything to repair things with him , I have heard a mix of things like I don’t want you in my life we are done for good leave me alone to to signs of hope like I still love and care for you I always will…” but we are done”… I hope we can at least remains best friends losing him feels like the end of days we are best friends but as of now he is telling me to leave him alone, he said time heals all wounds but I’m not sure if he’s just ready to go on and not salvage our relationship, I don’t know what to do I love him and I am sorry, I am ashamed but I am willing to do anything to prove my loyalty again, what should I do, leave him alone or?