Wow… its sometimes overwhelming the feeling of craving for my ex … today iam on week 3+1 in NC rule… I have time to have some music and while listening iam working on my elaboration. On days like this I’m longing to go to my favourite places where we have been together or for a coffee 
in his working place. Fortunately we have a large spatially distance and so it’s impossible. (And even if I could now, I wouldn’t go there for the time of NC). I don’t have any contact with him. But as time is passing by iam becoming more impatient…. Does someone feel like me at the moment? 
I am at 33 days NC and 47 since break up. I thought I’d feel better after 30 and I do feel so much less anxiety and pain in my body…..but then realized that counting the days NC is making me subconscious think there is an end date to this.
He reached out 3 weeks ago to text briefly about wishing me a good start to the school year but i couldn’t tell what his intentions were and didn’t want to set myself up for failure. I thanked him and said I hoped his kids were doing well, he said hope your daughter is also. I liked his message and left it at that. Part of me thinks maybe he wants me to try to chase after him (like the last 3 times) but I’m tired of doing that. It reinforces my feeling that I’m worthless/invisible when I have to try to convince him that we should be together.
so I do feel similar and hope you stay strong
Hello!
In fact, I am also counting the weeks until the date I have set for contacting him. I am living my life as before, doing the things I enjoy and the things I have to do. Nevertheless, he is somehow present in the background. Sometimes I believe that the connection we used to have is back, and I can sense how he is doing. Consequently, it is a contradiction for me to let him go, even though I want him back. I have accepted the break-up and am also aware that the old relationship cannot be revived. If there is to be a relationship, then hopefully it will be new and different and beautiful. That is the hope… I am now in week 4.0… I have made it through the 30 days, but I don’t feel ready yet, so I will wait until the beginning of December. However, I am thinking a lot about the first message to him after such a long time and iam feeling unsure what to write….
My feelings and thoughts are very similar to yours. But now I am almost scared to send a message because I can feel my body get tense/anxious thinking about waiting for a reply and imagining what kind of reply I’d receive. I know that it would be vague, possibly at best hinting that he missed me. Or he would just take the opportunity to again tell me why we wouldn’t work out.
This has happened for 2 weeks, 1 week, 1.5 months (with sporadic messaging and him liking my social media posts), and now it has been the longest break up without any contact. I got rid of all social media in January, which means he can’t get my attention in subtle ways by watching stories or liking posts. Each incident occurs in fall so I’m assuming there is some kind of association with trauma he experienced in the past.
I think the type of counseling and work we would have to do would probably be too much for him to have a healthy relationship- even though the problems in our relationship are minor compared to those of people that stay together.
What kind of message are you thinking about sending?
Hi! I don’t know if you’ve read my story… his circumstances are a bit difficult because of his anxiety disorders. Kevin recommends waiting at least three months before getting back in touch. I think I’ll write “Hey, how are you?” in mid-October and then wait until early December with the actual message. It could go something like this: “Hey, how are you? I’ve accepted our break-up. Still, I like to think back on the beautiful moments with you that felt so wonderful and magical. Best wishes…” I am not needy, what doesn’t mean I don’t miss him… I guess you know the problem .
The expiration date
Dear 2em2,
I’ve been thinking about your statement that you said it feels like there’s an expiration date until the NC period is over.
I recently read a book about “mindfucks,” i.e., inner beliefs and behaviors. Among other things, the author writes about three levels of the self. She says that there is the “child self,” the “parent self,” and the (present) “adult self.” In fact, we often act like children during this NC period. We find the recommended NC period difficult to bear, something I don’t want because it feels bad at first glance.
Why do we feel this way? I think it’s a form of punishment by parents, teachers, and other authorities.
Negative behavior is followed by something you don’t like, often reject and block out. It’s similar with breakups. We lose the partner we normally want to keep. The loss feels like a punishment that is difficult to accept because it is undesirable. Children hope or expect that after a punishment, their guilt will be erased and that their parents will love them again. This is typical for children and completely normal.
And for adults? Extremely unhealthy. Why? As adults, we should be able to act autonomously.
We don’t always succeed in doing so. Without realizing it, we fall into childish, familiar behavior patterns in relationships and try to cope with the adult world using them. The catch is that this doesn’t work either. We live in relationships with an adult partner, but behave like children.
The recommended 30 days of the NC rule are recommendations. Because we lose a familiar sense of security and guidance after a breakup, we look for something that gives us back some of that security. Well, this immediate change makes us doubt our own autonomy, and we are not aware of it.
The expiration date, as you call it, is like a limit we have set for ourselves, the duration that a child would perceive as punishment until they get their favorite toy back. Applied to us, the toy is the first contact after the silence. Unlike the child, who is probably very happy when they get their toy back, we have mixed feelings after the first message, mixed with expectations and fear of rejection. It’s normal, but is it autonomous?
I think we should always remind ourselves that we had a life before the relationship with our ex and that we may have one after. It is the memories and feelings that bind us to this person and make the (unwanted) separation process difficult. We should let go of the expectation that when our ex responds, their answer will be the longed-for “reward” for our silence and waiting. While this is human nature, it is not helpful for us and shows neediness/dependence.
Our exes are what they are—people who were part of our lives, and we can decide whether to see them as a “reward” or as an enrichment that we value and love when we invite them back into our lives. We are autonomous individuals, and when we become aware of this again, our scope for action expands to unimaginable proportions.
All my love, BB
Hi BB,
Your message made so much sense! The NC period does feel like a child waiting out a punishment. I realized that I also have generational trauma related to this as my grandmother/her sister, mother/her sister, and then a few incidents with my grandmother/my mother- silent treatment was used for months, years and in some cases until death. It was scary and painful as a child to be cut off from aunts, cousins and grandparents because of a small fight that led to our moms/grandma not speaking. We would also hear stories of how my grandma never spoke to her sister again after an argument. The others repaired after a crisis and never spoke about the original disagreement again.
So now that my ex has used silent treatment during our relationship when he needed “space” for days and the NC period after break ups that I try to maintain (for him I don’t think he would even know what NC is or that some people count the days), I feel like it reminds me of those times. My therapist said that it’s not my anxious response to the silent treatment that’s the problem, it’s the fact that I’ve decided to be with him after this pattern so many times.
I have messaged him a couple times just positive messages that I hope he is doing well and he invited me to his house for dinner to get our kids together- but it was my nephew’s birthday party so I couldn’t. He didn’t offer to reschedule and responded very minimally to a message a week later in which I said a little bit more. So I feel sad again but not upset that I broke NC because while I needed to reset my nervous system during this period- it’s not authentically me to never speak to him again.