Going through a sudden breakup and confused

reconciliation
1

Hi everyone,

My ex and I were going out for just over a year, and all of a sudden, a few days ago, she just broke it off.

She’s 22, I’m 23 - we met in college and hit it off right away. Our relationship grew so quickly, it really felt like she was the one for me. She said the same about me numerous times, via conversation, texting, love letters - it felt so perfect. Her family loved me and my family loved her. Just a couple of months ago, we even talked about getting engaged, it just felt that right, but we decided to hold off as I’m trying to get another job and she wants to finish her undergraduate degree. Valentine’s Day was fun for both of us - it was the first time either of us were not single for V-Day.

Things felt like they were going well, and then all of the sudden, she wants to talk on the last day of her Spring Break before she has to go back to campus (her college is 3 hours driving distance from where I live, and when she is back home, she lives 15 minutes away). She said she thought about things and wanted to take a break because she felt like we both needed to mature (mentioning that I need to find passions and goals in life and her needing to get ready for the real world). It really hit me hard because I was ready to do so many things with her - see her graduate, go to the west coast to meet her extended family, travel with her, etc. I even had this big gift for her graduation in a couple months, a sketchbook of many drawings I was doing of things me and her liked (I was keeping my new passion of sketching a secret for a big surprise later).

So after she told me she wanted to take a break, I was visibly upset and we ended up passionately kissing for a few minutes. She kept saying sorry, but I was still so confused at what just happened. She mentions that she still wants to be close friends and talked about how her aunt and her husband were separated for a year before they got married and it turned out great - she says she sees the same thing could happen here.

She gets back to campus and I text her a couple of times asking if we could talk and figure things out. She says “I don’t trust my emotions right now, maybe later? I’ll be thinking of you”. I text her a couple more times saying how much she means to me. We talk on the phone for 30 minutes trying to hash things out, and basically come to the conclusion that she needs to think about things and says “I love you” before hanging up. We don’t text the rest of the day.

The next day, she calls and says she feels like she needs to break it off with me. With the real world approaching for her, she says she can’t handle the idea of being committed to me for the rest of her life yet and it scares her even when she says I’ve been the best guy she’s ever met. She wants to face the unknown world ahead, and feels like if she’s in a committed relationship, it would hold her back. I tell her I love her as I’m teary-eyed and the conversation ends. A couple hours later she texts me, “I miss you dear. I’m so sorry we didn’t last.”

I texted her a couple times saying I miss her and wishing her a good day of classes, but she hasn’t responded or talked to me in the last couple of days.

I love her with all my heart, I know in my heart, soul, and mind that she is the one for me. I miss her so very much, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been crying everyday since she left and I don’t know how I can bear the thought of losing her. I keep thinking that she’ll find another guy soon and end up marrying him :(! It’s so hard to be motivated to do anything.

What should I do? I know she says she still want to be close friends, but I’ll always something more than that. Do I respond to her texts if she asks me how I’m doing or what’s going on with me? Is there even a chance I’ll have her back in my life as it once was?

I’m sorry for the long story, but any advice I can get right now is extremely helpful and I wanted to give as many details as possible to help you all understand. I feel very lost and am still shocked how quickly this all happened.

2

You don’t need to apologize for anything :slight_smile: We all talk, rant and vent. It’s normal. You need to do no contact. Maybe if you feel it’s too harsh, go with limited contact. Don’t initiate. And if she texts you a lot, don’t answer all the time, or tell her you need some time for yourself. You can read all about it on the 5 step plan.

You guys love each other. So give yourself and her some time. She isnt going to just meet a guy. You were together for a long time. She wont forget about you like that.

Also I know how it is to not feel motivated to do anything. For now, use this as an excuse to get motivated. That she would be proud and more atracted to you. :slight_smile:

3

man i think u have a good shot here. But i think u need a while on NC. She needs to realize what she’s giving up… she already thinks you’re a good guy apparently… now she just needs the chance to realize what she’s missing out on! the sucky thing is it may take some time tho man… so for now i think you gotta partially move on. Move on to the point where u enjoy doing things in life, but at the same time you still care about her (if you know what i mean). And if thats difficult for you then i think you gotta totally move on and when she comeback you’ll essentially be starting fresh. But thats never a bad thing! I’ve heard plenty of stories form parents i know the started over or had a long break and theyev been married 20 plus years! basically man what I’m saying is… your in my situation. In it for the long haul!

4

It seems that she still loves you and cares about you very much. She can’t forget about you just like that, you’ve been together for a long time.
I know that people sometimes react like that when they’re under pressure in their life, maybe she’s in a period in her life that she feels confused and doesn’t know what to do about it.

My ex broke up with me after we had some fights, but I know that he’s been under real pressure because he couldn’t decide which university to choose and there were many important decisions he had to make, so obviously these fights made it harder for him.

You have to give her some time to think about you and miss you, then it will make her realize how much she loves you and needs you in her life.

5

Thank you for all of the responses, your advice means a lot to me. It’s hard to judge what to do right now. She texted me today after no contact for a three days and says “Hey honey, how are you doing? I miss you”. I responded saying I miss her too and saying that I’m alright, and kept it brief. She responded with a “:(” and goes on to tell about her day. I responded with “sounds like a fun day” and she says “Yeah, I thought so too! Lol”. Our conversation ended there.

I’m just really confused by this - she called me “honey” and is telling me about her day. How do I approach this? It’s really hard to go all-out NC since she’s making an effort to talk to me. Is this her attempt at friend-zoning me?

I appreciate all of your responses, it is so great to know that there are people here that care about everyone’s situations. You are all wonderful.

6

It seems like you have a high chance about getting her back but you need to be patient and try hard to stay calm I guess…You should do NC and make her realise what really is important to her and what she is going to lose but while you replying she will know that you are still there

7

I’m doing my best to stay calm, it is so difficult. I want to tell her how hurt I am by her suddenly leaving me, but that’s a bad idea, right? I opened up to her so much throughout our relationship, it hurts a lot that she can just walk out on me and expect me to forgive her. :frowning: Ugh I don’t know

She just texted me saying “I hope you can forgive me”. I haven’t responded, and I don’t know if I should. Any ideas?

8

I think she acts like that because she’s still confused about what she wants but still wants you by her side, maybe she’s afraid of losing you. I’m sure this is hard for her as well, I think that the best thing you can do right now for both of you is to give her some time to think, be more distance so she’ll see that you need that distance too,but I don’t think you should really ignore her, after some time she’ll realize how much she misses you and wants you back in her life.

I don’t think you should tell her that, I know how hard it is, you share everything together and open up so much and you want to tell her everything, but then you realize that you can’t do it anymore. be strong and patient, I think you have a good chance :slight_smile:

9

Thanks for the kind words, Oshi. I really hope you’re right about me having a good chance :slight_smile:

I’ll do my best to be more distant. It will definitely be hard, but if it must be done, I will do it. Should I even respond to her text or maybe wait until tomorrow to respond,? I just don’t know what I’d say. Sorry for all of the questions, I’ve never been in this situation before and I want her back so badly.

10

You can response after a while but be apathetic in your answers, and don’t initiate conversations with her. I know how you feel, the hardest thing is to distance yourself from the one you love, and you feel that you just can’t give up on them even when it seems hopeless.
This distance is also for yourself, work and improve yourself, do things you like, that way you won’t seem needy and make her feel that you don’t need her in your life in order to be happy.

11

Thanks, I’ll do my best to keep my distance. This is so difficult.

She also mentioned a couple days ago that she might want to call or even skype in the near future. Do you think it would be a good idea to talk to her if she takes the initiative?

12

As I said be apathetic, It’s up to you to decide but I suggest that you follow the No Contact rule for a few days and give her some time to miss you.

13

So, a quick update: I’m going to her parents’ house tomorrow - I’m returning a few books I had borrowed from them. How should I act? Or what should I say if they ask how I’m doing? I really miss her and love her, and I know her family likes me. Some guidance would be helpful

14

Be calm, don’t be emotional and most important be yourself :slight_smile:

15

I know im a day late, but i hope you went to their house and acted like a true gentlemen. A wise man once told me, first you have to “marry” her mom, then she is all yours.

I agree with what everyone is saying. There is definitely potential in your relationship. Women are creature of emotion, not logic. The trick is to get them to see what we see.

Is it possible to PM in this board? i would to talk with you a bit more. Friends tend to get tired after a while, but someone going throw the same will get less tired lol.

Best of luck

16

So just an update for everyone:

I went to her parents’ house and everything went great. They let me in and we talked for a couple hours about random things. Her dad at the end brought up the relationship and said he was sorry and saddened to hear that it didn’t work out. They seemed to be really surprised and shocked that she wanted to break it off. I can tell that they still really like me. They emailed me just yesterday checking in with me which was really sweet!

So it’s been 10 days of NC and then she texts me this morning saying, “Hi! Could I call later this week just to catch up? (It’s fine if you’d rather not) I would say today but I’ve been totally swamped with work and will be until wed”. What do you guys think I should do?

I still really love her and I think about her throughout the day.

@burgerking I would love to talk to you more too! It definitely helps talking to others about this.

17

Any ideas guys :(?

18

Well, I said yes to the phone call…I think she plans on calling today or tomorrow.

19

In my opinion, I think she is so incredibly confused about everything. Because she constantly says that she miss you and even wants to see you. Don’t know if that’s a good thing… Maybe she wants to figure out if she has made the right choice. But I really hope that everything will turn out fine! I know how you feel, I’m in the same situation and I’m on the 23rd day of NC right now.

20

Another update: So she called me today and we talked for an hour, just catching up on life initially. I eventually told her I still loved her and hope to give her a ring someday (probably a mistake? :(). She thought it was super sweet and she still thinks I’m a great and brilliant person, but wished she could feel the same way about me. She did say that there are days where she really misses me, and she told me about a couple of nice dreams she had with me. She really enjoyed the talk we had - she thought it was going to be super awkward, but it wasn’t at all and wants to do it again sometime (she didn’t say exactly when).

I don’t know what to make it of it. She sounded like she’s just really dead set on moving on or taking a break for the time being. She said she isn’t going to date any guys in the near future since she’s graduating, but I guess anything could happen.

What do you guys think? This is tough…

@missnouk yeah, she’s definitely trying to figure stuff out from the sound of it. I really hope it turns out fine as well. I hope your situation is going well. I’d love to hear about it if you’d like to share :slight_smile: