Hi everyone! I first want to say thanks to Kevin…this website is really helping me, so thank you!
Im in day one of NC, so far so good. Sometimes I get anxious but Im trying really hard not to let it take a toll on me.
My ex and I dated for 4 years, we met on Match…can you believe it? I had just moved out from my home state and decided to give it a try. Our relationship was good, great friendship and love. However, I always felt that I loved him more and so we had big fights about me not feeling that he truly loved me. He had a rough childhood and that contributed to him not being able to show much emotions and can be cold. When we first started dating I thought he wasnt interested because he wasnt chasing after me, he of course explained that he was interested and so we continued. But I just could never get over that feeling, so that created the fights, which then gave him doubt, which them caused him to make poor decisions, which in turn hurt me and then we would make up. I would feel better for a couple of months but the feeling would never go away and then the cycle would repeat itself. I became needy in his eyes.
Things however started to get worse these past few months, both of our patience was running out and we became more like roommates than lovers, and on the morning of Sept 22 I couldnt take it anymore and I asked him what was going on? His reply: “I dont feel it anymore”. He then proceeded to tell me he needed time to think and stayed at a friends house. For two weeks he was there, we kept in contact some days. I was a wreck. I missed him so much, I would cry every hour, I would have moments of despair, pain, laughter, anger…etc I felt crazy. I also started to look back at our relationship and realized that I should never have pushed him so hard on how I needed to be loved. I know that now and I told him in an email apologizing and saying that I had not given up.
My efforts did not work, he told me on Monday that we were not going to reconcile, that he was tired of trying, that the desire, attraction was gone and that he maybe never felt that he was "in love’ with me like I was with him, that maybe I was right. This hurt me so much because I know now thats not true, that he did love me very much and that I ruined it by putting so much pressure on him. I asked him if he is looking to see other people and he said no, that he was tired and he wanted to be alone. He said he cared about me so much and that he worries about me living in this big empty house, and how Im going to pay the bills. He sent me some money as well to help without me even asking.
I know he cares about me, and something inside me tells me he loves me still. I think he really is tired and I hope that the No Contact Period will help him realize that and come back to me.
In the meantime, I am going to focus on me. Get the feeling again of being happy just on my own. Remember again the girl that was so confident and free that he met. Im also going to the gym to prep for a fitness competition in Dec so I know that will put my ass into shape
The holidays are coming and I really really really want to spend at least New years with him, I would hate to think that Im going to start a new year without him.
I will be posting to this thread here my NCP progress, I am planning on contacting him in Dec 13…2 months. Can I do this??? Yes. I’ll do anything right now to get back what we had, but a better version of it.