God, bring him back to me please...

reconciliation
1

Hi everyone! I first want to say thanks to Kevin…this website is really helping me, so thank you!

Im in day one of NC, so far so good. Sometimes I get anxious but Im trying really hard not to let it take a toll on me.

My ex and I dated for 4 years, we met on Match…can you believe it? I had just moved out from my home state and decided to give it a try. Our relationship was good, great friendship and love. However, I always felt that I loved him more and so we had big fights about me not feeling that he truly loved me. He had a rough childhood and that contributed to him not being able to show much emotions and can be cold. When we first started dating I thought he wasnt interested because he wasnt chasing after me, he of course explained that he was interested and so we continued. But I just could never get over that feeling, so that created the fights, which then gave him doubt, which them caused him to make poor decisions, which in turn hurt me and then we would make up. I would feel better for a couple of months but the feeling would never go away and then the cycle would repeat itself. I became needy in his eyes.

Things however started to get worse these past few months, both of our patience was running out and we became more like roommates than lovers, and on the morning of Sept 22 I couldnt take it anymore and I asked him what was going on? His reply: “I dont feel it anymore”. He then proceeded to tell me he needed time to think and stayed at a friends house. For two weeks he was there, we kept in contact some days. I was a wreck. I missed him so much, I would cry every hour, I would have moments of despair, pain, laughter, anger…etc I felt crazy. I also started to look back at our relationship and realized that I should never have pushed him so hard on how I needed to be loved. I know that now and I told him in an email apologizing and saying that I had not given up.

My efforts did not work, he told me on Monday that we were not going to reconcile, that he was tired of trying, that the desire, attraction was gone and that he maybe never felt that he was "in love’ with me like I was with him, that maybe I was right. This hurt me so much because I know now thats not true, that he did love me very much and that I ruined it by putting so much pressure on him. I asked him if he is looking to see other people and he said no, that he was tired and he wanted to be alone. He said he cared about me so much and that he worries about me living in this big empty house, and how Im going to pay the bills. He sent me some money as well to help without me even asking.

I know he cares about me, and something inside me tells me he loves me still. I think he really is tired and I hope that the No Contact Period will help him realize that and come back to me.

In the meantime, I am going to focus on me. Get the feeling again of being happy just on my own. Remember again the girl that was so confident and free that he met. Im also going to the gym to prep for a fitness competition in Dec so I know that will put my ass into shape :slight_smile:

The holidays are coming and I really really really want to spend at least New years with him, I would hate to think that Im going to start a new year without him.

I will be posting to this thread here my NCP progress, I am planning on contacting him in Dec 13…2 months. Can I do this??? Yes. I’ll do anything right now to get back what we had, but a better version of it.

2

stay strong is looks like you have a plan, keep at it and know that even if you dont get back together you dont need him and you are better then him. dont let anyone tell you otherwise. good luck and I hope you get him back. :slight_smile:

3

Thank you aamls. I know I have to let time pass for me to feel that way. I’m trying, I really am. I guess is just time. So annoying

4

no problem. :slight_smile: I know stay strong, I hope I wasnt harsh I just got divorce papers a little while ago and am not stable. :frowning:

5

I think you are handling this really well so far. Hang on to that strength and courage…Don’t get distracted and persuaded otherwise by your emotions. Because sometimes, it’ll be really really hard.

6

OMG I was in the same situation … my ex is not an emotional person due to childhood issues. he doesn’t express emotion and it caused me to be needy and he was afraid i will end up like my mother. also with living together he paid most of the bills, so he was stressed from that too. he said he lost feelings. he said he feels he is going back to his old "bachelor, skirt chasing " ways, and that he cares about me and it is hard to let go but he does not want the responsibility of a relationship. he says he wants to be friends but near the end of the breakup he was mean to me and lashing out at me. so i went silent. i have been in NC for 3 weeks now.
maybe we can email each other? share our stories? i am friends with some of his friends so i have only hung out with his friends when he is not around. also with him working for me family… it is hard to maintain that “mystery” if he is always hearing what i am up to.

7

Im so sorry to hear that aamls, I cant even imagine what you must be feeling right now. But you are not alone, Im beginning to really understand that. Travelbug you are so right, specially since its so fresh is so hard not to feel sad, not to miss him, not to think of him. But I know this is what needs to happen, not just to have a chance of getting him back but also for me, this in the end will give me more strength. Though I will admit, right now all I feel is weakness, loneliness (even if Im surrounded by millions of people…Im alone). I keep thinking that he will enter the front door, that he is out on a trip, that this is just a terrible dream that I want to wake up from. I dont understand how after so many years he could just walk away, and not even miss me.
sxox19 I would love to exchange stories or situations, let me know how we can do that.

8

I just want to say that I understand the feeling of wanting someone to show their affection and love for you when they just won’t. I had a boyfriend who by the end of our relationship was constantly doing that. We would get in fights over the same problem. I kept feeling like I had to keep doing things I knew would get his attention and hoping they would be reciprocated in a loving way like he used to do. I just want you to really think hard whether this guy is really worth it. Do you really think you can be happy the rest of your life with a man you have to “push” in order for him to show you love? I compensated myself for a man like that, it tore my self esteem apart and made me change who I was, I tried to change myself into a person or do things I thought he would like better, just so I could feel like he loved me or even just liked me still. The NC period will show you what you really mean to him, by the end of your two months you’ll really know if he’s worth it, but just remember, it’s him that needs to be worth it for you, not how much you are worth it for him. You shouldn’t have to try or ask someone to love you, people deserve so much more than that from their partner. Don’t sacrifice yourself or who you are trying to get a man to show you he loves you.

9

Laurel, I have tears in my eyes as I read your comment. Its so true what you said. And thats what hurts me too. That I know that this NC time will truly show what I meant to him, and it scares me to death that it will turn up him just moving on because in the end he is not the one for me. Im hoping that this time will shock him and help him realize that Im worth everything and then some. You are right, I wont sacrifice myself anymore or my heart for him, but I’d be lying if I said I wasnt hoping that he comes back to me with the realization that he truly loves me and will do anything to make me happy. Because for 4 years that was my role.

10

Good luck

11

thanks :slight_smile: I did a recent post. :slight_smile: stay strong you can do this. keep us posted. :slight_smile:

12

UPDATE!!!

So I just got a text from him saying: “Hey…How are you?”

I have to say that I was and was not expecting it, since this is the first real separation we’ve had its hard to tell. The first thing that came to mind was that I like the fact that he is thinking of me. Now, he did tell me before he left that he was and will always worry about me and to come to him if I ever need anything. Well now that I got this text from a week of NC, Im not sure what to do.

I know that everyone is going to say to NOT break NC and let him suffer…but is this wise? I dont know what to do guys. What if I just reply “ok”??

Any advise?

13

I hope I got to you soon enough…you definitely shouldn’t reply. He broke up with you and you don’t owe him anything. This is your time. It’s hard, but don’t respond. Let him go crazy in his thoughts for once.

14

Thanks @Jasmin91 I havent done anything, IF I am, Im going to wait at least a couple of hours. But Im thinking you are right. This part is a lot harder than I thought. But I just re-read what Kevin said about not replying to texts or calls…so Im feeling a little better with not responding. However, there is that part of me that wants to because I dont want to push him away by not responding. Gosh, how does this work??? I respond…I push him away, I dont respond…he comes back?

15

Also, as I mentioned above…this is a guy that for him to express any emotion is out of character. Now, him asking how Im doing is not necessarily expressing emotion, but I think you guys know what Im getting at.

Help…in my situation…to respond or not respond? :confused:

16

Yeah @sarai I still feel like you shouldn’t respond. If anything him reaching out shows that the NC is working. What if you respond, and then the conversation stops? You’ll be so angry with yourself for saying something.

It’s incredibly hard and not everyone gets through it without making any sort of contact, but to get something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done!

17

Hey guys! Wanted to update you on my situation…
So i did reply to his text about 11 hours later. I said I was good thanks, he said: “Good to hear…How are things at the house?” I said different but good. Then he asked me if I was watching our fave tv show? I didnt reply to that…not ready for that small talk like nothing is happening. He has not text me or contacted me since then. Its going on 3 weeks now of NC and Im getting antsy. He just finished a fitness race that he has been training for, so now is when he is going to start to let loose and go out to bars and stuff. Im concerned cause obviously here is the opportunity to meet other girls and completely forget about me. Im going to continue with NC and Im working on myself as well, but the thought of this not working is eating me up. What you guys think?