Girlfriend of 5 years leaving me tomorrow, need advise!

reconciliation
1

Hello,

Tomorrow is the day my girlfriend (21) who i (22) have been seeing almost 5 years (19 march) is going to break up with me. We are alot alike in doing things, humor, food, pretty much everything. But it is not going well. It is because of a problem we have had in the realtionship for quite some time now. The problem is that she isnt attracted to me anymore (In a mental way) She loves me alot she says but does not want to continue the relationship since her feelings were not coming back. We had discussions about it multiple times where she wanted to end the relationship but she stayed because she coudnt leave me because she loved me and felt sorry for me.

Since the problem first started i tried to make it better by doing sweet things, sending her flowers, doing fun things more, being alot nicer to her (Not that i was a dick but i mean like cuddling alot more, doing things she loves like massages) in an attempt to help her get her feelings for me back.

Past sunday we had an discussion about this subject again and she told me she was really done with it and that it was really destroying her on the inside. I wont lie i begged her not to but her mind seemed set that it was for the best. After a long text from me what is was going to miss from her things like that cute like smile when i call her my boo and things like that. she said no worries i wont do it. After that we started talking normally again (We always speak almost 24/7 on whatsapp, when we are both awake we are talking). But yesterday i noticed by how she reacted that things were still wrong and that it was going bad. Today she started talking about it again that she wanted to break up and that she for the last 6 months really tried to get the feeling back for me but its just not coming and that she really is done with it. After wanting to try to make her change her mind i realised something, there is 1 thing more important to me then being in a realtionship with her. her being happy.

I finally said you are right, if you are not happy this wont work any longer then. and that it was important for me that she is happy and if that is the way to reach that this must happen. Now she is coming to my place in 10 hours to watch a movie and to break up. i know it is weird but she wanted to spent an afternoon with me like normally. i asked her if it was to make me feel better or if she wanted it herself aswell. she told me she wanted it herself. which made feel me a bit better.

Now my question is, would there be any hope at all of her and me getting back together if i follow the program? i dont want to make her stay tomorrow just because it makes me happy, because it would make her miserable and that is not worth it for me. I was just wondering if in these situations where she doesnt like me anymore if there is any hope or if i should just give up complete? I wont lie, im devastated and been crying all day about it. but still mostly being nice to her on whatsapp. we still talk like we used to and she tells me she loves me and things like that. But i know that tomorrow is the day she is going to leave and that there is no hope of fixing it right now since we already tried that for the last 6 months. In general she has nobody else but me, she doesnt have any contact with her father and her mother does not care about her sadly enough. She likes the small things, like having someone to tell how her day was or when something happened. since her mother does not care about her.

Something i also have to say is that is around christmas i caught her flirting with someone else on whatsapp. Nothing to horrible more things like hey handsome and this and that as far as i could read. She started crying and told me she was really sorry and deleted and blocked him and that she shoudnt have done it. But i gues it was a part of not being into me anymore i think.

I feel so horrible, typing this here does help a bit, venting it out a bit so i must say thanks for that. Im hoping anybody can give me some advice at all. i really dont want to lose her forever, she is for me the one i want to move in together with and have children with. im sorry about the huge wall of text but i wanted to type the entire story.

I am sorry if there are alot of grammatical errors but i am not a native english speaker.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and thanks for the advise if you are giving any.

2

a small follow up and a bump since no one responded.

She came by my house today and as expected we broke up. the weird part is she came around my house at 2 and stayed till around 8. Most of the time we were still laughing and kissing and cuddling. I dont know if thats a good thing or that she only did it because she feels sorry for me. When i asked her she said she wanted to stay herself. Even had to pickup my mom around 5 in the town she lives and asked her if she wanted to ride along. And she told me she rather waited and wanted to stay a bit longer.

The afternoon was a mix of different things. Laughing like always and me or her crying. She said to me you can always message me anytime you want and (She also said she would just like to talk normally with me) i told her i needed some time and space. And that she could use the time well to get things straight in her head. I said the time and space because of the NC rule. Although its really hard to not text her but i hope i can manage.

She told me alot of times she was really sorry and i told her that i was oke and that we both needed to be happy. I did tell her that if she had things straighted out she could text me to let me know. Or let me know if its never going to work. I gues that was not a smart thing to say since she now knows she could come back whenever she wants.

Today she said to me that she probably would not remove the facebook relationship but when she got home about an hour later she did delete it. it probably was to make me feel better for those few hours that she was with me.

The alot of kissing and cuddling made me very confused, why would you do that with someone who you dont want to be togetherw with anymore?

Im getting pretty desperate and my heart hurts alot. I dropped all of my friends in those 5 years which was a dumb thing to do i see no, but i did not expect it to go that way. My current plan is to do NC for 2 weeks and then ask her casually if she wants to drink something at a cafe terrace. Do you people think that 2 weeks is to short for her to get things straightened out for her? (i wish it wasnt) i think it is and even if it would be just having a good day together without talking about the break-up would ruin my chances? Would really love to hear some advice from someone about this so i am hoping someone will respong this time.

3

Follow the steps. Do the nc. You have a chance. Of course you do.

Use the time to work on you. Make yourself attractive again. Work out, do new things, met new people.
She probably just had you all the time and got bored.

Follow the steps. Time will help you both. And don’t be checking up on what she is doing. Go on dates yourself.

Good luck

4

Thank you for the response, it gave me some hope!

yeah i was already planning to start tanning again since she liked that and i find it good looking myself aswell. after a good talk with my mom i realised i took the realtionship for granted after all those years. And i should have done more fun things with her already instead of when she said she didnt like me so much anymore.

Been having an awfull week so far. My car broke down, my mom was in an car accident in which she got very lucky and my grandma her cancer is spreading so she needs to start chemo. Its like its all happening in the same week. murphys law i gues haha.

I agree on the she got bored part, she also told me that. Contacted someone who was one of my better friends and told him we broke up and that i could use some distraction, and made my apologies to him that i didnt see him alot anymore. He understood it completely and got plans now for this weekend and the one after that (Always saw her in the weekend).

I wrote a letter today to send to her. i saved it, and came back a few hours later to read it and and realised how pathetic i sounded. deleted it right away.

The guide if so right about the mixed feelings, my heart keeps telling me that if i ignore her for a month that she will get over me alot easier. But well, if she is over me in that month it wasnt worth it it seems and its for the best then.

I deleted her number from my phone aswell since i kept looking on whatsapp to see if she was online, i wrote it on a small piece of paper and put it in the box where i keep her valentines and presents from the last few years, since having them standing on my closet was not really helpfull.

The one month NC would be perfect and i hope i dont give in. It would be around 12-13 march then and then i just casually ask if she wants to get something to drink and maybe take her to the spot where we had our first kiss since it is very close then 19 march when we would have had 5 years, so maybe gonne pick that date then.

Rereading this again i seem to be getting ahead of myself again. Maybe in a month it wont be worth it and i will just continue with my life.

Typing things here really helps haha, never expected i would end up doing something like this.

5

The 5 steps can work for you. Anyone that is completely over another doesn’t behave the way she has with you. She is seeking exploration, and she isn’t as attracted. Let her do her. You should date and really work on yourself. Get involved in things you’ve always wanted to do, but couldn’t due to the relationship or other time constraints. Opening yourself up to a wide variety of activities and hobbies will make you more attractive and less boring. So in the future, even if she is with you all of the time…you doing a variety of things will prevent you from being boring to her. Still, you want your own life apart from hers. I’ve said it a million times: 3 lives to a relationship. Your life. Her life. And the couple’s life. Your life and her life can mesh…but it’s important to have friends of your own, a hobby of your own, and the same for her. And when you do things as a couple, do things that you don’t do with your friends. More special things.

Okay. I am getting carried away. lol I believe you can get her back. Good luck to you!

6

yeah i know she isnt over me, she said right away she wanted to be best friends/friends and when we broke up she said multiple times that she was fine with me texting her right when she left multiple times, to which i responded i need some time and space and you need time to sort things out.

To me it meant that she does not want me out of her life which is a good thing and that there are some doubts about. although her saying when she was at my place that she was probably not breaking the relationship on facebook because she said that was not really needed and then 2-3 hours after she got home she deleted it anyways. boy that was a kick to the heart.

But i got another question, valentine coming up in 1 day, should i send her a card? nothing else just a card with on the front something like: I like you alot something in that area, nothing with the i love you so much or anything.

My brain/heart says i should definetly send her that and that it would be a good idea, but since im telling myself that it is, it probably is not a good idea is it?

im afraid not sending anything will send the message that i lost my interest, but maybe its better and she will start thinking why i didnt send her anything.

any advice on this? and does anybody has any idea about the facebook part? it keeps bugging me quite a bit to be honest.

7

Never mind what happens on Facebook. But to be fair, you are split up. So she did nothing wrong.

Don’t send a Card. What is the Point of NC otherwise. How many days now have you done?

If you send a Card then you are still chasing. Start thinking about yourself. She won’t Forget you in a month. I can assure you. It’s impossible.

8

Wow your story is basically identical to mine, I was with my girl for just over 7 years but everything else is the same. I spent the last part of our relationship spending money on her and basically sacrificing my own life to make her happy, which is the complete opposite of what I should have been doing. We have been broken up for 3 months now, when she broke it off with me she said she thinks she can love me again, just needs something to take he pressure off as she has been trying to find her feelings for me again for a while, so we broke up. We met up after 2 months but it was clear that I wasn’t ready yet, so I’ve spent the last 4 weeks working on myself and learning to be happy without her. Lots of gym and Excersize is fantastic for the mind and I’ll look better when I see her next which is soon, as I feel much more confident about myself.

Bottom line, be the best you can be and physically and mentally and be confident that you are worthy of her love. You can’t do anymore then that and if that’s still not good enough for her then good luck to her next guy cause he’ll need it

9

@patrick d

Yeah i am not blaming her for the facebook part it is understandable, its just it is bothing me that she said she would not do it and still did it. Another weird part about facebook is that she still has a picture of her and my mom with the text: The best mother-in-law. I am really wondering why she did deleted the relationship but still kept that one. you know what i mean?

Currently i am entering day 4 of NC with today being valentine. i decided to follow your advise and not send anything to her to give her the time and space and i would probably hurt myself by sending her something and then probably getting nothing today and hearing nothing from her.The days are really going by slow sadly enough. I know she will think about me alot upcoming week since she has a full week of internship and she said those days would be the hardest. After that week she will have a week off and that week will be really hard for me since we usually spended alot of those days together when we both were free from school. And i will be wondering what she will be doing then.

@Jrod

Yeah its weird how someone you dont know has exactly the same story behind it, although yours was 2 years longer. I didnt sacrife my own life at the end to make her happy though. Seeing her happy meant for me that i was happy.

Who was the one that broke the NC? atleast if you also did that. Yeah being worthy of her love goes both ways i gues, i mean i can pour everything in the relationship but if the one on the other side does not do that then its not meant to be.

In what way werent you ready for it? Was the wound still to fresh and did it her seeing her and knowing that she left you. or what was the reason behind it?

Jrod i hope you can figure it out aswell what would be the best for YOU and maybe, just maybe you not being ready means that you have accepted it this way and know from the inside that you can be happy without her. I wish you the best in it.

I made a hand made calender counting 30 days and crossing off each day as it passed on a piece of paper. after reading how NC should be for youtself i ripped it apart and thought i should not do that.

hang out with some friends yesterday, it helped a bit to get my mind of things a bit. I do know 1 of the people that was there speaks to her from time to time on whatsapp. I told him the story what happened and everything and that well, she was the one for me i wanted to have children with and that i deeply miss her. im kind of afraid they will talk in the meantime and he will ter her i said that. And i know she doesnt like people asking her why we broke and everything and that she will know that well, she holds all the power of getting back with me, but she probably already knew that since when she left i told her that if she has something important to say to me about getting back together she could text me, or when she really needed help with something bad.

That probably (the getting back let me know part) wasnt a great idea to say since then she knows that she can come back whenever she wants.

On another note, the physical heartpain is getting alot less, i looked it up what exactly caused it and it were hormons coming from the brains that made the walls of the heart thinner. Being a very rational guy i started wondering myself why my brains would do that and it actually became less by knowing what it was exactly.

So far im not having alot of trouble with the facebook part by looking at her profile or anything, it probably is like 1 times a day max. what i am having trouble with is logging in to her phone account and seeing who she called/texted with. Her bill is coming in 5 days and then i can see exactly see who she called with and eveything. The weird part is im sort of hoping she called alot with the guy she was flirting with so i can kind of start closing it for myself since i know there is no hope in my opinion. living every moment wondering if shes going to text me to get back together isnt really great, i regret saying it to her but it was a moment of weakness when we broke up. The best would be if i tell her to change her password for the phone thing but that would be REALLY weird haha.

10

Sorry yeah her being happy meant I was happy too but I guess she wasn’t so I wasn’t either in her eyes and we couldn’t move forward in that situation.

She txt me a few times after about a week and after those she asked me if she had done something wrong and I felt I had to send a little reply saying no but told her we need some time and space to which she agreed.

We met up for coffee and a movie but as we were leaving I cracked and asked her if she was seeing anyone and basically got a little pathetic, to which she said maybe we should leave it a few more weeks so I went away and learned from it, so now I’m happy enough without her to be confident I won’t show any insecurities like that again.

She actually came over today to bring over the bird that we had, I asked her to do something next weekend and she kinda had a giggle and said she would let me know during the week when would be a good time. I was a bit relieved she didn’t have plans with another guy tonight being Valentine’s Day haha. She even brought me over a chair massage thing from her parents so that shows she is still thinking about me but we’ll see how the casual meet ups go over the next couple of months and see if any of her feelings come back to her, only time will tell.

Good luck buddy! May we both achieve our happiness with these girls

11

She just started talking, im having a REALLY hard time ignoring her. she said: Sugar is everything alright? i got questions from gio (the guy i talked about in my previous post who also speaks to her from time to time).

what do i do? ignore her? its so fucking hard, only day 4 of NC and on whatsapp you can see when someone read it. Feels so bad to ignore her when she is showing interest.

Please i need some advice really fast.

12

i decided to man up, i did not respond. this will sound weird but it gave me a bit of power back mentally, is that weird?

I also found out she whatsapped my sister friday how i was doing and that she found it sad for me, and that she would nothing more then telling me it will be alright but she does not see that happening. Since that was 2 days after the break-up i dont expect her to say something else. She will probably feel relief the first week i gues. Its weird how it feels good to ignore someone that you spoke with 24/7 the last 5 years haha.

So thats sort of 2 contact attemps from her side, and 0 from my side.

Btw she also said, she wish we would still be talking on whatsapp to my sister. but that wont do me any good if i do.

13

That power is real. It exists. Enjoy it. It means too that she is beginning to chase.

If she persists with texting then I would send something back like; “I need some time and space right now for a while”

You have her worried already. That’s good. Really good. It is tough not replying. I found it hard but as the weeks went by it got easier. Read, delete and forget. I was getting texts every few days

14

Yeah it feels good haha. The funny part is like 15 minutes ago i was talking to a mate and left her conversation open on whatsapp. I was scrolling through the conversation list and saw the ‘is currently typing’ from her number (since i dont have her number stored anymore) it stayed there for about 15-20 seconds, which looked alot longer though haha. my heart started pounding about what she was going to say or anything. but after that she removed the text and the currently typing part was gone. which means it was very close to a 3rd contact attempt from her.

On one hand her saying to my sister friday that she does not see us getting back together stabbed me a bit. well, alot of bits. but since we broke up wednesday and that was friday i cant blame her.

I told my sister that when the next times she ask how i am doing (since i am not responding at the moment), she is going to tell her that im doing fine and that im not home alot, and when she ask where im off to, she is going to say i dont know where he is. This image is going to be reinforced by my mate where i am going to sleep tuesday when he is going to post on facebook hanging out in the city with me in the evening. Its maybe a bit dirty this physiological warfare but so be it. she left me

She has always been afraid of me getting another girl, it was something she also repeated multiple times when we broke up ‘you will have another girl soon’ and this and that. since i do het attention from girls a bit in general. I did start talking with some girls again (when they say something sexually i change the subject since no interest in that with them at the moment)

Patrick d , thanks for the responses man, although they are not long they are pushing me to keep this up and are giving me a bit of hope. Reading through the guide a couple of times especially the parts about why do you want to get back with her also help alot. Most of them are reasons i love her so much and this and that, which is still mostly it for me, and ofcourse the fact we could get along really well and laughed alot. But what are REALLY good reasons to get back together in general? (we dont have a child and dont live together). I mean yeah i see her as the love of my life but there is a little voice inside my head now saying, you can love other girls, laugh with other girls, hug with other girls, have sex with other girls, what made her so special for you? and i am having a hard time awnsering that question if im honest. It is replaceable i gues those things. Not that i want that at the moment hahah.

15

I would stick to the NC no matter how hard it is. I feel you in your situation because you know I’m going through virtually the same thing! You think that if you don’t contact her then she’ll forget about you and move on as like I do! And you want to contact her all the time and see what she’s doing and who she’s with. It’s hard man I know but if it is true love and you really believe deep down in your heart that you two are meant to be and have a future together then I would stick with the NC. And not saying that it won’t work out but if it doesn’t then atleast you know how much you loved her and was willing to change to be in her future

16

small update:

Day 6 of NC, she spoke to my sister again yesterday (NC day 5) and asked how i was doing. like i said my sister said i was doing fine. Then my sister said (i didnt tell her to say that) that we all missed her and that everyone is hoping that everything will be alright with me and her. To which she responded:

aahww i miss you guys to, from doing groceries with X (my mom) and X (my dad) his horrible jokes. But it is what it is, i cant be X (me) his girlfiend if it does not feel right :frowning: It needs time.

Which actually is an improvement over her saying she does not see us back together friday to my sis (2 days after we broke up)

But here is what i need some advice with. Should i tell my sister that when she ask again how i am doing that my sister should tell her she should ask me herself instead of trying to get to know things (how im doing) through her? Or should i just stay out of it completely? Not that i would respond since NC. Any thoughts on this?

17

small bump for last question