The magic of beginnings…
I have met my ex over 4 years ago. We were both middle age. Our lifes were in a complete mess. After 3 months we have decided to move to another country and to start everything from zero. We were hardworking and motivated and eventually we have succeed: we have built something we could proudly call “our home”, we have finished education and we have made a career.
We tried also to get her daughter back (her ex-husband is extremly toxic person). We furnished a room for her and we hired lawyers. Altough she was able to take her parent rights back partialy (holidays, conversations on Skype etc) she was kinda depressed. It was a first time, when I felt like she is giving up on this and she is not happy with what we have achieved togheter.
We both have good jobs, but we are both working on contracts. Which means that we work average 8-9 months/year and for the rest a couple of months we live from our savings. My ex has great problem with her budget as she doesn’t have an emergency break when she is shopping and she is helping her lazy family which never cared for her untill they saw that she is doing good.
I felt like everything was on my shoulders as I was working more and more to cover our expenses and to afford better lawyers to get her daughter back. We started to move away from each other. The rutine can kill any relationship. You know the scheme - work>school>home. We lost the spark. We were not hanging out or going for a holidays anymore. We started to argue about the money.
And then it happened…
February last year. She came home from the holidays which she has spent with her family in her country. She sat on the bed, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and she said - “I don’t love you anymore. I want to leave”. The same day she moved to another room.
Suddenly, my life has turned up side down. I wasn’t prepared for that. The worst part is that I started to grief and to be needy. Ofcourse, the more I was trying, the more I was pushing her away. Then I have discovered that she has rebound relationship, altough guy was living in a another country and they were just talking on messenger, but I freaked out again.
After one month I felt like I’m about to lose her. I needed a plan, a tactic - fast! I started to read articles and watch videos on YT about break ups, no contact etc. I started no contact, got busy, I started to hang out with friends. After 3 months I started to date with one girl. My ex was in shock when she heard that from our friends. From now on she was the one who wanted me back. After one week we were togheter again. We have made promises - I promised to give her more attention, stop to push her about kids and marriage, to help her more at home, hang out with friends more often… She promised… well nothing. This was my mistake, which I’m going to regret later.
Nothing has changed…
I kept my promises. We were hanging out, we went for a couple of trips. I was helping her with home duties. But she didn’t change nothing. Actually I felt, like she took control over our relationship. I felt like that if I make one small mistake, she will leave me again. Last summer I asked her to start to save herself a money because she wants to visit her family in the winter, make a driving licence and we both gonna have a 3 months break from work in the same time - she almost screamed in my face, that if she wants to buy herself something, she will just go and buy it! I gave up.
September last year she had an accident and she was living in a big pain for a couple of weeks. She couldn’t walk. I had to take care for her at nights and go to work next day while hire a nurse for the day time. Eventually she got better after few weeks, we even get closer to each other.
In november my ex’s mom got sick. Unfortunetly she died in december. I couldn’t go there, but I tried to be with her in these difficult times on the phone. Someone had to pay the bills - our apartament, cars, credits, my life here, her life there, private clinik and ceremony for her mother, driving licence… But she couldn’t accept this - I wasn’t there and she started to move away from me.
For the next 3 months I could barely catch any contact with her. I was the only one who was initiating it. She was always busy, she had a little time. Sometimes she just called me to ask me to send her money. I felt like a cashmachine. In the last week of february I have decided to break up with her - few days before she was going home. I knew it was comming, so I wanted to do it before we really gonna hate eachother, altough maybe I should have waited for her to go back.
Current situation…
It’s been 1,5 month since we broke up. We are still living togheter, because we share apartament, cars, credits and we need to sort it out.
Fun fact is that she has changed. She started to think about her future and more important things in the life than having a new pair of shoes. For almost five years I couldn’t change her and she changes few weeks after I broke up with her! I hope these are real changes…
She is moving out december and she is going back to her homeland. She has organised herself a nice work there. She says she can have a more contact with her daughter this way (which is nice thing). We are living in the friendly atmosphere.
She says that she doesn’t want to be with nobody in the nearest future. Im also trying to focus on myself, but I feel like everytime I try to move away from her to heal myself then she is trying to drag me back and when i’m doing a little step towards her, then she is pushing me back. I know from her friends that she is mad at me for the break up. She said, that I was a first man in her life, who broke up with her. Not like it makes me feel better.
I also feel that she thinks, that if it’s not gonna work out for her in her country, then my doors will be always open for her, which is not entirely true, as I don’t want her to be with me just because she doesn’t have a better option. It’s because I was too needy and desparate before and she didn’t notice that I have changed.
Yesterday, I had a conversation with her. I felt like we are getting closer to eachother lately, so I asked her if she misses me in her life. Big mistake. She said that she respects me, but she doesn’t want to be with me. Never. Again. Yay, it hurted me, but I have accepted this like a man.
My plan is…
I have started no contact today, altough it’s extremely hard, because we are still living togheter. I’m going to focus now entirely on myself for the next couple of weeks or months. This time I want to make no contact for that long as long I need it.
Anyway, what would you do on my place? Maybe some nice tips?