From break up till now (3 months)

I sugest you guys to sit down and grab a drink, cause this is going to be a long story(or maybe not that long) and it will have some english mistakes since I’m Brazilian and I havent written in english in a long time.
It all begun 3 months ago, I ended up my relationship after a party because I was feeling miserable, cause I felt my girlfriend didn’t give me enough value. And she was tired of me not changing to be the man she wanted me to be. In the beggining of the relationship I promissed to drink less, to take life more seriously and to work out properly in the gym. We fought A LOT in the relationship! She never tought she was wrong in anything(ok most times she really wasn’t) and I felt like she just wanted to change me and wasn’t valuying my changes, that were slow but steady. Every fight was started by her, and when questioned she would reply “of course I’m the only one who’s always mad, I never give you reason to get mad with me” but well, she did, I just don’t think that fights are worthy most of the time. Since we fought a lot we also broke up a lot, and most of times we break up I used to go and talk to this other girl, but we only stayed apart for like 12 to 24 hours. Never more than that. Still I went to talk to this other girl, most of the times, like once or twice a month. (in a 10 months relationship) near the end of the relationship we broke up for like a week and I went after the other girl and we met up and kissed, and it was AWLFUL, and we never talked again. Well, after that me and my gf got back together for more 1 or 2 months of mostly good relationship. We break up cause I wanted her to chase me, cause I felt I was giving my everything and she wasn’t meeting me along the way. Its was a sunday, I met her thursday in a friends party and just felt that breaking up was the biggest mistake in my life. I tried to get back with her but she wasn’t bending, she was also tired of our relationship. Next day I went up and kissed another girl and told her that(since she had already downloaded tinder) and she got crazy and really upset(she told me to tell her if something like that happend, I wasnt doing that just to get under her skin). After that we kept going out every weekend, but not always kissing, but kissing sometimes. We were best friends before becoming lovers, and while in this break up phase I lied to her yet one more time going to met a friend of ours that I had a fling in the past in the middle of the night while she was drunk, but once I got there I realized how fucked up that was and left. A few days passed and she discovered everything, the girl I used to text and kissed, the lies about having met our mutual friend. And her world fell apart. She always told me she could forgive EVERYTHING but being cheat. And she considered all of this things cheating on her, even if we where oficially broken everytime it happend, cause we where still emotionally entangled and seeing each other, even if not kissing and having sex. After that I only met her in person like 4 times, 2 of them we fought and cried, 2 of them we kissed and she told she love me, and that she was so pissed that I destroyd the possibilitie of a future together. Needless to say I was blocked the whole time on all social media, she unblocked me sometimes, but only for a few momments. After that she went after some close friends of mine to get on with them and went on one or more dates with a REALLY hot guy that she had feelings once. I don’t know if she is seeing someone else right now. Its been close to 3 months apart, maybe less maybe more. I can’t even think of other girls yet. And I know for a fact that she still hates my guts. But she was unblocking me on whats app last week waiting me to talk to her and I didn’t take the bait, I was still talking to her almost every week, cause I knew that if we met our sex drive would talk louder, and I hoped that giving her a magic orgasm would make her think twice about leaving me. She once said we could never get back together cause now her parents and all her friends hated me too, and that they would never agree for us to get back. getting back to this weekend, she came to talk to me after I don’t know, 2 weeks not speaking? something like that, and she was like “hey, how are you?” and “I just wanted to know you were ok…” but then she snapped and started saying that she only wnated her pain to go away, and wished that someday she could forgive me, not for me, but for her, cause she needed to move on from that bad feeling that hurt her so much. She asked how I could make something so bad to someone that was so good to me, and stuff like that, and after that sent an audio semi crying while she talked, saying that we would not have a real life conversation again. She also said that when she saw me she got panic and had to go away from the place, cause she felt really bad. This was this saturday, so I guess she still feels something for me, that she still thinks about me. But she still feels a lot of pain. Im pretty sure that her pain will heal after she had moved on. She had a trauma about cheat and it is the WORSE thing in the world to her. All her friends help her stay away from me and tell her not to talk to me. I know she has feelings, but she is trying with all her might to get over me. 3 months already, 1 month of good break up and 2 of blocked hatred. I love her with all my heart and I have changed a lot and believe that now we can make it work. Should I wait even more before making an attempt to talk to her? Should I send an email? Call her? Please I need some help here, I can give more information if needed, I feel that this is already to long. Again, sorry for the bad english.

@aurus - Try no contact for 30 days and then send an email to let her know you understand the mistakes you made and why she broke up with you… that you are working on changes. Ask if she would consider reuniting if you improve the way you treat her and stop chasing other girls.

You said you didn’t cheat on her because you went out with other girls when you were broken up with this girl. And you said this girl has some kind of trauma about cheating, is that from a previous relationship of hers? It sounds like you are still talking with her even though it is messy.

My first question is, is this a girl you want a long term relationship with? If so, can you stop talking to other girls during short break up periods and doing things to make this girl jealous. This girl is apparently driven crazy by jealousy and by the thought of cheating so if you are going to do either of those things, it isn’t going to go well.

Second question is, would you be willing to say “I am sorry I did something that hurt you so much. I am human, I make mistakes and I made a mistake. I am willing to do whatever you ask to make up for it and we can work together so I know how to not do something that makes you this unhappy in the future. I promise I will work with you on that. I can’t change what happened in the past but together, we can make sure it doesn’t happen in the future”

Are you willing to say that or no? It isn’t a challenge, it is just a question.

If you can’t help making her jealous and during short breakups, talking to other girls, etc. and if you don’t feel you made a mistake yourself, then I would go no contact for 30 days to work on meeting other people, etc.

But if you do think you made a mistake, are willing to let her tell you what you need to do and think you can do the above, I would have a serious conversation with her about what is written above.

Good relationships can make it through messy situations like this but it requires both people to be willing to work on making things better. If you are willing to work on it and she isn’t, it isn’t going to work. And if she is willing to work on it and you aren’t, it isn’t going to work. You need to have a conversation with her about both of you doing things for the other person to help them out.

And if you find either side isn’t willing, then no contact is the best solution so you and she can both take some time off to get a better perspective on things.