Found a note meant for me.

Breakup Help reconciliation
1

So my whole story is on a different thread, if you are wanting to look that information up then here is the link. https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/after-4-5-years-she-wanted-to-take-a-break/

Otherwise, here is an update and I need some advice. I came across some information and I had found out yesterday that she in fact was having sexual interactions with another guy and was afraid that she could be pregnant. Yea I know we are not together but I will never see her the same way. I still had the ring she gave me for our 3 year anniversary but I had put it in a drawer somewhere out of sight and out of mind. However, after coming across the new confirmations, I have gotten to the point where I don’t want to be in a relationship with her as she is now. The thought of her honestly disgusts me. I love her still and that is unconditional but I hate the things she has done and who she is becoming.

I got a text from her mid day yesterday that said,
“Are you mad? The note sounded like you were really mad at me and I don’t want to take it the wrong way. I want you to know I appreciate the letter you wrote last week (I wrote her a magic letter). I am glad that you are becoming truly you, not doing everything revolved around me. You are growing and that makes me so happy to see.”
I did not respond to that text.

I decided to go look in her room this morning (we live together but have separate rooms) and look to see what she did with the ring. She put it in one of her drawers. In that drawer I found a note that I am assuming she is planning on giving to me. I read it and here is what it says,

"Nick,
To start, you don’t know how proud of you I am. You are growing so amazing and I am glad that you are finally finding friends that are good to you and that you can share your faith with. You seem like you are becoming you and truly you, not what I expected of you. This break has been the best thing for you and I can see that.

Though it may not seem apparent to you, it has been the hardest thing I have done. But I knew that it was what had to be done. It kills me everyday thinking about the pain I put you in. That was the worst part. I figured we would still be around each other enough to where I wouldn’t lose you as a friend.

This has also been one of the scariest things I’ve done. It reminds me of the story where Peter was called to get out of the boat and walk on water. We are both like Peter in this case. I know for myself that I need to trust that I will not sink, so do you. That is what has made it okay for me. The trust that it will be okay as long as I don’t forget what is important. It occurs to me every day that I may have just ruined my future/chance with the right person until I take the step back and realize why i did it to begin with. This was not my plan, but His plan. And I think we both know that, even though it can be hard to remember at sometimes.

Though it is very different for me, I am joyful and I am making the best of everyday. Ive been spending a lot of time with Kiera doing homework or just hanging out. I read out of that AMAZING bible you got me everyday before bed (its so pretty!!! Food choice).

Seeing the ring on my desk hit me hard. That seemed like you closing the door on me for good. And if that’s what you are called to do, then I guess that’s how it goes. I don’t expect you to wear it anymore, but that note threw me off. They way I see it is that you are done being friends or anything for good. I am going to keep your ring most likely because it is a reminder of whats important. If you do want it back, you are free to ask.

Know I do enjoy talking to you and chatting. I know that this might not be how it goes from now on though. Whatever you need to do, don’t hesitate regardless of what it means for me.

I am so proud of you Nick,
-Chelsey"

So, tell me what you guys think. Tell me that this actually means something… Right now to me, all I see is words on a page.

Thanks,
Nick

2

Hey nick,

She is writing very casually , and the way she has written any man would get confused at this stage but speaking of which. I would suggest you to keeo Radio silence for 2 weeks. Just ignore her .

I have just been ditched amd dumped by my gf. I have made ul a few plans for myself. And now it is clear that i have to move on for greater good.

3

I mean we have been apart for nearly 2 months and have been in no contact for over a month now until yesterday (except for a few exceptions because we live together).

Any other observations people? Like aman said, any man would be confused by how she is writing. The letter does not seem to have any purpose to me…

4

Anyone else?

5

hey nick,
it kind of sounds to me like a bunch of bs to be honest. she didn’t say much she hasn’t said already. as of right now, she’s happy with her decision. it was hard for her and she feels badly hurting you but she thinks it was for the best and she did the right thing. her sadness comes most from hurting you and not from ending the relationship.
it kind of gave the tone to me as a goodbye letter as well. it almost seems like she feels guilty because she was making you into someone you didn’t want to be? is that true? thats the gist i got. when she said she was so proud of you for being you and not for being someone because she wanted you to.
she sounds like a really respectful girl. i think she is saying overall that she thinks this break was needed and is whats best for right now but she didn’t want to destroy all chances of a future. she’s young and she wants to experiment with what else is out there and wants to give both of you the chance to grow as individuals. but she’s also saying you need to do what you need to do and if its cutting contact and moving on she understands. i think that shows she is a genuinely nice person who has a lot of respect for you.
as for her sleeping with the new guy, i know it sucks, but you kind of have to think of it as a positive. this new guy is not YOU. he will never be you. if she’s happier with him well then you need to be happy for her and know there is something greater out there for you but if over time she starts seeing him more and more and realizes he is not you and no one else makes her as happy, she will return with confidence and a new sense of commitment towards you.
youre doing all the right things now - keep nc, keep healing, keep focusing on you. let everything else fall into place naturally. i don’t think this letter changes anything at all - she’s just still set on the break. but its only been 2 months - we will continue to see what will happen 6 months down the line. hang in there!

6

Thanks atea, I know what you mean that it sounds like a bunch of bs. I know that some of it is for sure. Other parts like “seemed like you closing the door on me for good” where it kinda seems like she is upset confuse me. She is a very respectable woman and I do respect her very much she is very driven. However, so far this semester she has been getting pretty poor grades. She is usually in the high B to mid A range and she said that her grades have been in the C’s. I find that very odd.

I do not think that this letter changes anything. Like I said in my original post “Tell me that this actually means something… Right now to me, all I see is words on a page.” Thats how I feel about it all. It is nice that she took the time and everything, but her time was wasted. There is no real point.

I dont really see it as a goodbye letter though. I didnt really get that impression. I could be wrong but it just seems confused to me and with no real point. So far I have been pretty direct with my statements and they have had points.

She still has not actually given me this letter and I do not know when/ if she is actually planning on it. I assume she will as soon as she gets back. I have no desire to talk to her right now. Never thought i would say that and truly mean it. I have come a long way over the past 2 months. I dont know if she can actually see that or not. She may say she can, but I dont think she really understands it all.

7

its funny you said that about having no desire to talk to your ex - i feel the same way! i truly never thought i would get to the point but i have nothing to say to him anymore and don’t care to hear his bs. he always used to send me texts similar to what your ex said in that letter. he would say things like “I’m happy youre happy :)” or “ill always love you”. i just don’t want to hear it anymore.
i believe you have gone a long way! but i also don’t believe she ended things because she was unhappy with the way you were acting. from following your story it seems like it was all internal for her. she just wanted to explore this guy a little and take some space and some independence. it happens a lot to people after being in a longterm relationship. my ex had the same reasons. sure there are things about myself i want to change and improve but i think he left overall not because of anything i did but because of his own internal thoughts. i think its the same with your ex so don’t beat yourself up. i don’t think theres anything you could’ve done differently.
i would just disregard this letter honestly. she probably just wrote it because she didn’t want to not respond to what you sent her. this doesnt change your situation. its just clear she’ll need more time before discussing reconciliation. thats ok. I’m 5 months out of my break up and my ex is nowhere near ready either. these things just take time. just be patient and focus on you - youre doing great!

8

Nick,

The letter sounds like it flows with your initial statement about her possibly being pregnant. It sounds like an apology letter, although, i have not properly read your other post and therefore only assumed from what you have explained above.

You are obviously in love with this girl and she definitely has ‘feelings’ for you. However, it sounds like she is not quite ready to settle down yet, probably because she is quite young.

All i can suggest is, if i am correct in my understanding of what you have said. Not only would i never contact her again. I would erase and block all her email/facebook accounts and phone numbers, start a new hobby and start exercising. Then, buy some new designer clothes and go out and get as many girls phone numbers as i could. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

If i am wrong, then forgive me :wink:

9

You giving back the ring was a big Thing. Big in this way;

It says to her (rightly or wrongly) that you are still hurting from the breakup a lot. She can assume from the sight of the ring that you haven’t come a Long way since. That you are spending your time Feeling hurt and thinking of her. So, she felt the Need to respond. She felt like she had to.

So nevermind what she wrote. It is just a Response to the shock of the ring being back. They say a Picture paints a thousand words, well that would paint a thousand words and thoughts in her mind. The letter is bs.

You proabably have changed. But because you live together, she won’t have noticed. It is like the frog in water and heating it up Thing. Your Change slowly over time goes unnoticed. That’s why she thinks that you have stayed in the same place.

And then the other man. Yeah, it’s tough. I had to deal with that too. But big deal. It’s Feelings that Count at the end of the day. Take off your religious hat and look at it as a human being. As the animal that you are, we all are. It is just part of the circle of life and of experiencing life. Forget it.

If i was you I would move out of there if that is possible. She is not ready for anything with you right now because she thinks that you are still back at the day you broke up. She has Feelings. But not the right ones now.

Chill out. And, do not ever read anybody elses things again. That was an Invasion of privacy. I would hit the Roof if i knew somebody did that. Almost as bad as having sex with somebody!!! See what I mean? What is right and wrong depends on who is judging.

10

i agree with patrick. as hard as it is, you need to stop snooping in her room, stop buying her presents, stop sending letters, returning possessions, etc. she’s taking all these things either as youre still so heartbroken and devastated over the break up and being miserable or youre trying to move on and cut here out completely. you need to reach a point when she thinks you are more indifferent.

do nothing now. be friendly when you have to see her, but short. don’t discuss anything about the relationship with her anymore. its over and dead. if you do reconcile in the future, it will be a new relationship. and don’t fish for information about the new guy she’s seeing - it will only hurt more to find things out. she’s free to do what she wants and you shouldn’t drive yourself crazy trying to understand what she’s doing and why. focus on you now. you’ve done everything you can for the time being.

11

I am unable to move out unfortunately. I really wish that I could, but it just is not possible because it is a dorm and I have already payed for it for the rest of the school year.

I am ashamed that I have read her texts. Dont get me wrong I am not proud of it at all. I hate that I have done it.

I really do love this girl. Unconditionally. Its different though, its not like it used to be. When I look at her now I am kinda disgusted, she is not the girl I once knew.

Honestly, I think that giving her that ring back was more of a proof that I m moving on. Im not holding on to anything from her anymore. Doesn’t that just show that I am done with it all?

I have come a very long way actually and I know that I am happier. I think that she can see that I am very different from who I was when we broke up, but you are right she has feelings (which I doubted that she could actually feel for a while). I dont know what you mean by not the right ones completely though.

I am at the point where I have no hope for a future with her. I dont even know if I want it at this point.

12

I will take your advice and try to become indifferent. Do I try to become a ghost? or just another person she sees daily?

She still hasnt actually given me the letter which I find kinda odd. But I have pretty much completely disregard it anyways. I have been very busy with school work recently.I just need people to talk to.

How are things going for you atea and patrick?

13

i would just be friendly but cold when you see her. you don’t want to be rude to her, but at the same time, don’t be friendly either. i wouldn’t flat out ignore her because that shows its too hard for you to talk to her. just when you see her smile and wave and say hi but leave it at that. don’t ask her any questions and don’t go out of your way to see her. if she asks you questions, just respond in a short, cold way.

it helps to have people to talk to! talk to friends and family for support or come on here.

things for me are pretty good! i haven’t had any contact with my ex in 3.5 weeks which is a while for me but I’m actually feeling good. its helped me a lot to just focus on me and doing things i want to do that make me happy and less on him and what he wants. i don’t plan on contacting him at all.i don’t really feel resentment for him but i also didn’t do anything to cause him to leave so i don’t feel i need to do anything grand to “get him back”. we last spoke 3.5 weeks ago and he left it by saying “talk to you soon” but i refuse to initiate. i have a birthday coming in almost exactly 2 months so I’m expecting ill probably here from him then. we had agreed maybe we would reassess the situation around then so i will see how he’s feeling then. but I’m done waiting around for him. I still love him and think about him often but I’m moving on with my life so if he doesnt want to come back in the next few months I’m prepared to leave the past in the past and let it go.

14

I have been talking to my family about it every day haha. I enjoy discussing things on here as well. I know how you feel about refusing to initiate contact. Thats exactly how I feel from now on. I have no idea if she will contact me anyways. Thats ok though. I will be fine :slight_smile:

My ex and I have not had any conversation about reassessing things. I feel like that will come eventually but I cant be sure because she loves this other guy. At some point I would be ok with sitting down and talking to her, maybe in the summer. I am not ready right now for sure. I just dont want to be the one to ask to do that, I want her to want to do that on her own.

15

You don’t know what I mean by not the right Feelings?

Just my opinion, so take that as you will, but why did she feel the Need to write the letter? And it was in the drawer because she wasn’t finished. A second draft was coming or she was going to do something else. She obviously has Feelings for you. Friendly Feelings but stronger than that. But right now she doesn’t want a relationship. And you can’t force somebody into one. In fact, that will push them further away.

As for what to do now, refer to @atea1234 for that answer.

As for me. I’m good. Life goes on. I haven’t felt this good about myself since I was about 8 or 9. I’m 32 now. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the ex but I have learned to love myself. We have seen each other for an hour in 3 months. And this very evening I am picking her up and taking her out for Drinks.

She is with another guy at the Minute. I don’t care about that. I have quit drinking after being an alco, working in a good Job, helped found a new Football Club of which i am now chairman, starting acting etc etc.
And all this would not have been possible if I did not let myself be free.

Funnily, I get a strong Feeling that she is running after me now. The stuff she texts and photos she sends. I think I misjudged the Progress I had made until very recently. And that was the Moment I decided to see what the Story is. And she was very eager indeed to meet.

16

Nick,
I had found out through a mutual friend that my ex had recently starting seeing someone casually about a month ago so after one too many glasses of wine I called and asked if it were true. He told me he had just starting seeing someone casually but it wasn’t exclusively and he didn’t have any real feelings yet which is why he didn’t tell me and that if it got serious I would hear it from him. The primary reason for our break up is because he thought we both needed to date other people so we could have something to compare our relationship to since our expwrience is only with each other. So he told me this is the first girl he’s “dated” since the break up and that it doesn’t change anything because he told me this is why we broke up and I knew it would happen and that I should be happy he’s making progress because at least he’ll be able to tell with time if he was happier with me or with someone else so we can determine whether or not this “time apart” is permanent. He told me he hasn’t been initiating conversation much because he wants to allow me my space to move on if that’s what I need to do. But then he suggested that if we haven’t spoken before he would call me on my birthday and we can touch base and see how we’re both feeling about everything. He also told me he’s happy talking to me whenever about the relationship or just catching up if I want to but I told him not right now. so that’s kind of how we got to that reassessment point. Im not sure whether or not we will actually sit down and have a conversation then but our break up has been so open ended that at some point im going to need to if for nothing more than closure. But I will see how he initiates then and go from there based on how he acts and how im feelig.

Patrick,
Im really happy for you! Seems like you’ve made so much progress since the breakup and im excited for you that your ex wants to see it. I commend you for not stressing about her seeing someone. It’s not easy but sometimes it’s a good thing because your ex will realize she can’t replace you. It also can’t be all that serious if she’s agreed to see you for drinks - im sure that wouldn’t make the new guy happy! You seem confident and secure and I really hope tonight goes well for you!

17

I think part of the problem in our relationship was the fact that we were together so long that it started feeling more like an obligation to be with each other and not wanting to be together. I know I truly care about her otherwise I wouldnt care at this point. Im going to go back into NC (though it is still hard with my living situation). No more notes, no more snooping around, no more gifts. I have no idea when the right time would be to reach out or if I should just wait for her to reach out? I have accepted that the old relationship we had is completely dead. I wouldnt have given the ring back had I felt any other way.

I am learning to love myself and take care of myself. I have been working out, learned guitar, volunteered at a camp last weekend with kids, studying a ton, and I have made a bunch of new friends in the process. I am trying to be less introverted which is a huge step for me.

I have no idea what the future holds. I feel like she still does care about me. Im not sure to what extent at this point, but right now it really doesnt matter does it? I know I deserve better than she gave me at the end of our relationship and for now and the foreseeable future I dont know if that will change.

atea,
I find it very odd that he is telling you all that stuff about that being the first girl he dated and stuff like that. In my situation she is trying to completely hide the new guy from my sight whatsoever. I dont know if that is for her sake or for mine or why. I know she is going places with him and sometimes other people but she always says the other peoples names but not his. I will be very interested in hearing what happens after your birthday!

Patrick,
It seems like you have come a long ways and gotten out of some bad habits and turned a new page for your life. You sound like you are doing really well! Are you even wanting to get back together with your ex? I have times where I could see it happening, but then others of I dont care at all and others where I just dont have any hope that it could happen.

18

Nick,
he didn’t want me to know anything about it actually! he had gone out with her with a group of friends one weekend and one of my mutual friends told me he brought a girl with him. i called him out of the blue after we hadn’t spoken for 3 weeks and flat out asked. he didn’t divulge any information (no name, how they met, etc.) just told me yes he was seeing someone casually and no it doesnt change anything. theres no way he would’ve told me out of the blue.
its interesting about what you said about being together out of obligation. my ex said something similar. we were together 7 years and he told me he couldn’t be sure anymore if we were together out of comfort or genuine desire to be together. he said he hoped taking this time would help us have the answer - that either we would both move on and be happy or realize we really are happiest together.
don’t plan on whether or not you will break nc or wait for her. i think a few months of nc is what both of you need right now anyway so you’ll re evaluate at a further point in time if you want to reach out or not. i also feel the same way - there are times i can’t imagine going back to my ex anymore but other times it seems not real to think we will never be together again. i really don’t know how the situation will play out, we all just need to wait and see what happens in the future!

19

Im feeling kinda lonely right now. Wednesdays are bad days for me. I only have one class and I really dont have anyone to talk to. I still play my guitar and stuff but every Wednesday I just feel like I miss being with her a ton.

I know I need to try and fill up the time but I usually just have homework and stuff to do and like I said, I am just very lonely.

20

Hey @nick1234 I read your story on the other page and you’ve got a lot of similarities to my situation right now, and seeing as you’re a month ahead of me in the process I was wondering if you have any advice?

My ex and I were together for 5 years (age 15-20 for me). She is two years ahead in school. She went off to college while I was still in high school and we made it work perfectly for 2 years long distance. I never lived with her here in college, but I stayed with her or she stayed with me every night. She was my best friend. Then she broke up with me last week and has already kissed another guy. I can’t eat or sleep at night because (like you said) I wake up from dreams with her like every hour of the night. You got any advice, man?