False rumors, ex mad after No Contact

reconciliation
1

Our situation is this: neither of us really dumped each other, but our relationship ended in a huge fight just before holidays.

I didn’t contact her for 10 days, didn’t respond to her texts or anything. Only when she wanted to arrange my sstuff back from her place, I replied to her, to the point and calmly.

The next day, however, I placed a call to her. Chatted for about an hour and she seemed to hint about the idea of getting back together at some point.

The next 10 days, she contacted about once a day, basically following this site’s advice “N thing reminded of me about you”. We did this for ten days. Had another call, related to a family emergency on 7th day, which was again warm and she hinted that the previous day she was hovering between the option of asking me to a pizza or not, but didn’t dare to. With that phone call, at the end of it, as I was in middle of confusion, I asked her some time and space, for about 10 days, to think stuff through. She agreed.

I did full no contact after that for 12 days. Then wrote her a letter, following advice on this site, apologizing briefly about my part of the fight and hinted about changes in my behavior (which are true, gone through therapy) and new stuff I’ve started (two new hobbies and one old one restarted).

Got a text her today… “Otherwise I would have been delighted about your letter, but I’ve heard you’ve been badmouthing me around to people at Facebook. I hate you, you d**k!”

To which, I replied “What?! I’ve been on social media fasting since New Years!” (which I have) and said that IU simply wanted us to reconnect through fun stuff AGAIN, as I have lots of stuff and moments I would have loved to share with her during the past 5-6 weeks.

Note: I did mention our breakup in Facebook around Xmas, but even then, I didn’t badmouth her at all.

No reply.

How should I proceed? Have I messed up things already?

2

@itscomplicated How long were you in this relationship? Were there mostly good memories? Did you two argue frequently? Frequent arguments cause resentments and the more arguments there are, the unhappier the relationship, often ending in breakups.

I’m sure you know arguments cause hurt feelings. There would be a need to calmly discuss the issue and work through it together. I’m glad you apologized, but you shouldn’t have mentioned the breakup on Facebook!! Now she’s angry so give her time to cool off and then send another apology and ask if you can get together to discuss better ways to deal with problems and how to resolve them. This has to be a joint effort you’re both willing to make…

Good luck.

3

Thanks for your reply @patricia12 Wee were together just over three years, in a long distance relationship. Both felt strongly that we have found our soulmates in each other - and this phrase has been said out loud even after our breakup, by both of us.

Our relationship had its bumps and fights, but it was also full of good memories. But obviously, having had a breakup and living 60 miles apart, means that we haven’t seen each other ever since the big fight.

Now, after my post, I didn’t contact her at all. On sixth day after that accusation of me spreading false rumors and me denying all that, etc she contacted me. Just a plain simple text “How are you?”.

Replied that I’m ok, thanks, how’s she. To which, she told me that she’s been ill past few days and didn’t make it to work. I replied hoping she gets well. Two or three texts exchanged after that on that discussion, but that’s it.

The next day (today)… She sent me a picture of me. Actually a picture I had sent her two and a half years ago, just on some normal weekday - me blowing her a kiss. No explanation, no text. I replied by sending a similar photo of her, blowing a kiss to me.

No reply.

So, we’re here. And I’m very, very confused :slight_smile:

4

@itscomplicated So far so good:) Your replies to her comments were great! Now just take it slow as she might still be harboring some hurt feelings. Try to minimize Facebook visits and never post personal stuff on there again!

Are you contacting each other via texts? It sounds like she is calming down after the fight. When you think she has calmed down substantially, try a phone call and follow her lead as to what to say… Hopefully she would ask to meet up.

5

@patricia12 I don’t think getting her to set up a phone conversation is a good idea, not yet… Many, many things were broken during and immediately after the fight and we’re very truly broken up. I was kinda sure that we’re done for good, until we had our first phone conversation few weeks ago, as mentioned.

But even since that, things have gone sour, good, sour…

Today, I first time initiated conversation. Just a quick text “Still ill? Or did you tackle the fever and managed to get to work today?”… To which, she simply replied that yes, she got to work, but still isn’t feeling very well.

I simple replied that “Good, hopefully you get truly better by tomorrow then”. To which, no reply.

So, our “conversations” are via text messages, but even so, very, very short. We used to text hundreds of texts per day, so the contrast is massive to the times when we dated.

Nothing has been talked about how our lives have settled since the breakup, what we’ve been up to, or anything like that.

Meetup, it was discussed back in few weeks ago when we chatted a bit more (before she got angry) and she herself thought that even seeing briefly before March or April would be a bad idea… :frowning:

So, my thinking is to continue contact her maybe every other day with just some positive thing - or a real question like today. And see if any of those finally spark up some more-than-three-texts kind of conversation.

Am I thinking correctly here?

6

@itscomplicated I like your plan of backing off contact a little bit. But don’t get into the habit of casual texting too often or making the texts drag on and on. And yes, keep your comments positive and upbeat. But maybe call occasionally too. And remember; don’t ever post personal stuff between the two of you on social media!

When she said on Jan 29th;"I’ve heard you’ve been badmouthing me around to people at Facebook. I hate you, you d**k!”… I was shocked by her anger and bad language! Perhaps her strong anger will take some more time to cool down completely. Then hopefully she will agree to meet up March or April:) I think the sooner you two meet up in person and do something fun along with pleasant conversation, the better, but it’s up to her I guess…

What was the huge fight about just before holidays??

7

Thanks @patricia12 !

I’m kinda afraid to call her, until we manage to establish somekinda “proper” communication via texts, even just once or twice to have an actual conversation, even about some meaningless thing. It kinda screams to me that she has her defenses way, way up with these extremely short two-text ““conversations”” we’ve had past three days.

Since our fight, we’ve only talked on phone properly two times and both have been extremely emotional, and I kinda hope to have the guts and mindset right to “just call her” about some minor thing, quickly and happily, rather than get into emotional rollercoaster phone call :slight_smile:

The fight was about her pretty much breaking my trust into her, with her actions. Not any form of cheating, but very near that in terms of how bad it was for me. She then accused me of causing that with my own actions and restrictions we had put in place in our relationship, etc.

So, to quote this site’s guides, our bond of trust had and has been broken pretty badly. And after the 29th yelling, I was kinda sure that it is done now… But now that she reached out - even slightly and bit weirdly (the photo), my hopes of being able to “fix” this have risen again. I might be banging my head against the wall for nothing, but…

So, my analysis is that she kinda wants to reach out to me (texts in past few days and the, talks we had weeks ago), but she is very, very defensive right now and wont get into any kind of deeper conversation or interaction very easily, even tho (I hope) she wants to.

So… Time might be my best option. Back off slightly with the texts, even tho I haven’t initiated those until today and they’ve been very short, each time. But if she wont text, I’ll just text something easy and happy every other day or so and pray that she, at some point, replies more than once or twice to me.

Maybe to build it slowly back into “real conversations” over the next weeks and then place a short call every now and then…?

Or am I wasting my time here? Or should I simply push forward, call her tomorrow and get her talking…?

8

@itscomplicated No don’t call tomorrow. I think your idea of waiting until she replies or initiates a little more is a good one. Go slowly. And don’t talk about arguments you’ve had in the past! You’ve apologized enough and there’s no need any time soon to rehash the same things. Start from today and go forward with nice casual conversations unless she brings up something else she wants to talk about and then respond accordingly in a very kind and respectful manner. If all goes well over time, you two should sit down in person and talk about how to have a better happier possible relationship in the future. You could each talk about what you can both do to make that happen; how you will calmly settle disagreements, how to properly interact with each other without name calling, yelling etc… what each of your needs and desires are, and how to build trust in each other…

I hope you can go into more detail as to:“The fight was about her pretty much breaking my trust into her, with her actions. Not any form of cheating, but very near that in terms of how bad it was for me. She then accused me of causing that with my own actions and restrictions we had put in place in our relationship, etc.” What were her actions?? What were your actions and the restrictions you two put in place during the relationship??

Why do you describe the previous phone calls as emotional??

9

Thanks @patricia12 for your reply, again :slight_smile:

And yeah, I’m planning to move slowly. To see whether she is interested at all, or not, at first and, as you said, to little by little hopefully get more out of her - and eventually to return to casual chats, phone calls … and then to meet, at some point.

Ah, the fight… She has always been jealous during our relationship - without me not understanding why, as I can’t even flirt :slight_smile: and wouldn’t do so anyway to anyone. Due this, upon her request, years ago, we had agreed not to be friends with, say, exes, etc. However, she got caught for meeting her ex without telling me.

As she had herself set those limits, such breach was kinda big thing for me.

And the phone conversations… After the original “no contact time” and the one that started the second “no contact time”.

Both phone calls lasted more than an hour. We both cried at the first call. But she also hinted at some point about wanting me back. And yes, both said to each other “I love you”. Second one wasn’t that emotional, a week later, but, again the possibility was hinted in sentences that she was considering on how to explain her friends if we ever get back together. And during that phone call she told me, as said, that earlier on that day,m she was considering asking me for a pizza, as she had been in my hometown that day.

That is also the only time when she has suggested that she’s been close to asking me to meet her.

10

@itscomplicated How did she get caught meeting her ex? Meeting up with her ex is strange as she had you and I don’t understand why she would meet up with him. Anyway, I’m hoping things go well with your plan and don’t forget what I said about having a conversation later on about how to have a happier relationship down the road. I gave you some tips in the Jan 23 @ 3:23 PM comments…

11

Yes @patricia12, I can’t understand that either. My friend had seen them in a cafe and sent me a photo of it and we had a huge fight about it that evening when I confronted her about it. Feeling betrayed how she has asked me not to stay in touch with my female friends, but does meet her ex behind my back.

Told me thapt she just wanted to hear what the guy is currently doing. Whatever the reason, I felt angry about the fact that I had given up my friends for her, but she wouldn’t play by the same rules.

But yes, I hope we’ll get this sorted, somehow. It is just very frustrating not to know where we stand at, as we don’t even have real communication open right now.

I haven’t reached out to her today, but neither has she. I’ll contact her casually tomorrow about jst some minor, hopefully funny issue, if she won’t do it first :slight_smile:

12

@itscomplicated I sorta understand why she would be curious about him and what he’s doing. However, it’s water under the bridge now so try and forget and forgive… Yes, a casual contact tomorrow sounds good:)