Hey there!
So, he broke up with me in the beginning of august after one year and a half of us being together. After I did some of the common mistakes I decided I would do what I had to do to get him back: the NC rule! I did it for 30 days and he did try to contact me: texts, calls, he even called from a friends’ phone just to hear my voice! I literally had to tell him that I needed some time to myself and he respected and didn’t try to contact me during a week. When he called me again the 30 days were over so I decided to pick up. From that moment I feel like I did things the right way: we texted, we called, we met, he even started texting me saying he loved me and missed me so very much and felt so much love when we were together. Well, I didn’t want to run back to him just like that because I wanted to feel that he was willing to fight for me because he thought it was worth it. I built up the idea that he would fight in my head too much but didn’t have the patience to really wait for it to happen. I tried to rush things and got disappointed because I didn’t get results as fast as I wanted and one day I just exploded. I said mean things to him and made him feel obligated to do things that he wasn’t obligated at all to do. I regret very much but from that moment I feel that I ruined the whole NC thing. He forgave the things I said and we still talk… as friends, because now he says he doesn’t want to get back together with me and that he’s sorry for the messages he sent saying he did and he just feels distant in general. And now I don’t know what to do. What do you people out there think?
Thank you so very much!
You didn’t ruin the NC thing, you ruined the chance you had to get back together as a couple. Reconciling is a slow process whereby you both carry possible resentments of the past that need to be resolved together. The reasons for the breakup and better ways to interact should be discussed. He broke up with you for a specific reason or several reasons and he wanted to see that you’ve changed so he could be happy with you. But you rushed things and got angry so maybe some of the problems in the past were neediness, angry outbursts, and disrespect. It had only been a few weeks between the time you met up and your explosion. He wanted love and happiness with you, and to take things VERY slowly before he would be confident enough to want to reconcile. Now you’ve hurt him deeply, not only for the way you acted and what you said, but because you caused his hopes to die. I’m glad he forgave you, but it will be a good long while before that bad memory fades and that’s why he seems distant. Try the no contact for awhile and reflect on the areas where you should make self improvements. He might have already told you what things upset him from the past and also more recently. Maybe let him know about no contact and see what happens.
Thank you for your reply. I know I acted wrong, I just got so desperate for some reason. He broke up with me because he wanted to focus on college and me acting all needy just made him back off because if he thought I wouldn’t handle his lack of time due to college now I guess he was sure. But it’s not like that, I would because I think it’s worth it. I’m just in a messy time and my parents are getting divorced and I’ve got all stressed out and acted like that… And I don’t think telling him about NC would work since I already told him I would take some time to myself a few times since those explosions happened but I never really did it again. What do you think?
Going with a guy in college is different from a guy who just has a job. The guy with a job has evenings and probably weekends. So more time to work around family, laundry, grocery shopping etc… and more time to spend with a girlfriend. The person in college has classes and lots of homework! Therefore, less time to spend out having fun. People in college can still maintain a relationship, but won’t want to if it’s going to cause problems in the relationship! Maybe he thought about how you had been behaving and just didn’t want the added stress on top of college stuff. You should have been more understanding of that and just been very willing to totally enjoy whatever time you could have together without complaining that it’s now enough. Now that you know, and if you get another chance, you can be a different sort of person. A grateful and happy one. Are you in high school or are you working?
I’m sorry to hear about your parents divorce and know it can be traumatic for the entire family! But when you’re out on a date, somehow you have to put that aside and enjoy the pleasure of the company of someone else for a while.
You wrote: “I already told him I would take some time to myself a few times since those explosions happened but I never really did it again”. Well, I guess you went back on your own word and it showed your weakness and neediness again. When you say something, you need to follow through! I think you should tell him no contact and that this time you mean it. It will be difficult for you, but stick to it and give him a chance to feel relief from your behaviors.
Wishing you luck…
We’re both in college. Not the same college but they’re very close to each other. And I did stop contacting him but a week in I saw him and I really wasn’t expecting to see him so I didn’t know how to react but it wasn’t that bad. The problem happened later. That exact night I went out with my friends and participated in some type of game and drank a lot and as a result I made out with two different guys and called him so many times after and can’t even remember what I said. I’m so embarrassed, it’s so not me to do that kind of stuff. I had never been with guys just because. The day after he said he didn’t even recognise me and that’s true because I don’t even recognise myself. The day after that I texted him and we talked a bit and he was actually friendly because I told him that I would stop drinking because I regretted it so much and he said he worried a lot about me and when I asked him how he was doing he said “I’m okay…”, what is not that convencing so I told him he could talk to me if he ever wanted to and he told me he knew that and I then said something like “If you’re happy, I’m happy for you. You know that, right?” and he answered “I do know that… Thank you.” and this is where I am right now.
@hellothere … OMG! Drinking makes us do crazy things so please be careful not to get drunk again. Now that your on good terms with your ex, don’t ignore him if he calls or texts. Don’t act clingy and needy and don’t rush things like you did before! If you see him in person, be charming and happy. DO NOT talk about the relationship at all unless he brings it up. Enjoy whatever time you might have together and don’t beg or whine for more. And stop saying “If you’re happy, I’m happy for you”. Things like that don’t sound sincere if you want him back. Just be natural and upbeat. Be the girl he fell in love with.
@patricia12 thank you so much for being here to me, I really appreciate it. My problem now is that after those messages I told you about I called him and said I wanted to check up on him which was probably not the best idea but I just wanted to see how he was doing because of his “I’m okay…” answer but he said it wasn’t the best time so I asked why and he said he was at some kind of university dinner party and I said we could talk later then and he just said something really rushed and hung up. He hasn’t said anything since then and that was last friday. Whenever I message him it just becomes a one sided conversation so I didn’t. What do you think I should do? Should I just wait?
@hellothere - OMG! I can’t believe you called him! Again you showed your clingy neediness. In that last text he said he was okay, so you should have just left it at that. But then you call him to “check up” on him because of the way he said okay? He told you it wasn’t the best time, but then you ask why? You are hounding him and he doesn’t like it!! You definitely have to stop texting and calling. There’s actually no set amount of days, but go no contact immediately and don’t bother him for at least 3 weeks or more. If he contacts you first, don’t ignore him. If he calls, sends a text, or you see him in person DO NOT mention past history or the possibility of reconciliation and DON’T rush things or argue! I know you’re very sad, but you just have to stop pestering him.
Focus on school and other things. Good luck:)
@patricia12 I know it probably sounded like that but I was just worried about him… he used to be a really depressed guy when I met him and then we kind of helped each other out and he got REALLY better and that’s one of the reasons I do want him back, because we made each other better. When we broke up he seemed to have gotten a bit down again but I guess that’s normal but I was just worried. Anyways, it’s been 5 days and I haven’t texted him and have been working on myself and my neediness and I’m really seeing some progress already! But with all of this I’m just scared he has already moved on, you know?
@hellothere - My gosh, he’s a grown man and he can take care of himself. I understand what you’re saying, but he took care of himself before he met you. You have no control whether he moves on or not. But one thing is sure: he won’t want to get back with you if you keep pestering him. Glad to hear you’re working on yourself:) Stop worrying and stop annoying him.
@patricia12 I know you’re right and that’s what I’m doing. Since I really messed up my idea was: I wouldn’t contact him until middle of December and then, since I love writing Christmas letters, I would write him one. What do you think?
@hellothere The Christmas letter sounds fine:)