Ex sent me this text.

reconciliation
1

“I made the biggest mistake of my life letting you go. I’m not trying to win you back. But I’m pretty sure you’re much happier now. I think about you all the time. I miss you. I just want you to know that I know I messed up. I don’t expect you to reply to this. I just needed you to know I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through.”

The text quoted above was sent a week ago. I never did end up replying to it. A couple days later I asked a buddy to check her FB and see if she is still with the guy she left me for. My friend said yes and they’re actively posting pictures together. Prior to this text, she has also attempted to add me on a fake FB and tried to have a friend add me. Clearly she wants to know what I’m up to. She saw me out one night with another girl, then texted me the following morning to see how I was doing. I never texted her back that time either. I’m over 60 days NC. Our relationship was close to 4 years long.

I think what she says is true, but since the new bf is still in the picture, I can’t be sure. I’m not trying to give her the satisfaction of having my attention if she’s not going to reconcile. It’s also hard to reconcile if I’m not communicating with her though. I have a few questions.

What do you think her text means?

Do you think her text was an attempt at reconciliation or just an ego boost?

Should I reach out to her soon or wait to see if she tries harder than that text?

Thank you in advanced. :slight_smile:

2

Reach out to her! I’d be terrified I was you that I would lose her for good if I didn’t… Just start off friendly. Just talk about general life stuff. And then if she starts talking about relationships or missing you, I’d casually mention her boyfriend and that you wouldn’t be interested in being more than friends until she can break that off and you know that she wants you and only you. I think this is a really good sign. She obviously misses you so I would give it a shot. If you want her, that is.

3

My opinion on the text: She wants you back but she doesnt want to let go of the current boyfriend until she has a clear sign from you that you want to get back together.
To be honest, if i sent such text and i dont get a reply from a guy, i would think that you moved on and you dont want to get back again.
Do you want to be with her again? If yes, may be you can send some short texts ?

4

This girl has at the very least, emotionally cheated on me 3 different times. Her friend once told me she physically cheated, but my ex denied it. Texting her back now I feel would make me look desperate. This weekend I think she tried to call me on a private number around 10pm. I never get those kind of calls, especially that late. The following evening I saw her drive by my house real slow.

I guess in a way I’m terrified of being the one to initiate contact. I feel like that gives her some sort of justification to the actions she has made. In order for us to be able to work out I think it has to be her showing me I am what she wants.

I wanted a little more than that last text, because it didn’t exactly give me an open door. I could come knocking then she could say “I told you I wasn’t trying to win you back” then close it forever. I think that would hurt me more than it does now. What I should of did was heard her out, but I was sticking to NC and I wasn’t sure if that was my best opportunity to break NC.

I also don’t like what she’s doing to this new boyfriend. If I was really what she wanted I feel she would leave him and pursue me harder. If he was what she wanted she wouldn’t engage in talking and creeping on me. We know he doesn’t know about any of this and I can’t tolerate that kind of behavior from her anymore. Not just toy around with two guys emotions.

If I have to initiate contact, then convince her to dump him. I feel like, once again, I’m doing 100% of the work. I don’t think that would make me feel confident in a reconciliation with her.

I also fear/wonder that same thing myself about not responding has made her think I moved on and don’t want to get back together. I do want to be with her again, but shes like some sort of serial cheater/liar. That has to end if it is to work out between us. I don’t think its my place to try to initiate it after she has hurt me so many times.

5

Considering the fact that she has cheated on you (emotionally or physically) 3 times before and if you believe she often lies to you, i think you have acted in the correct way by not answering to her message and by not initiating further contact. She has to prove to you in action that she really wants to you back not just with one text…
I think you have evaluated your situation very well and you seem like you know what you are doing.

6

I fully agree with @ Jasminka86

7

I have way too much time to think about the break up. Which is good and bad. It sucks knowing I may have had an opportunity to have her back right now, but I’m not going to settle for the old relationship because its a waste of time. She has to be committed. I’m happy you agree with my view point. Thank you Jasminka and Kalicooldude.

If it was meant to be she won’t give up.

8

I just received another anonymous phone call. I pick up and hear a quiet background. I say hello twice, then I hung up after 10 seconds of no response.

Anyone ever been on either of end of something like this and know the purpose of it?

9

I also agree with Jasminka. However, (and I don’t mean anything bad by saying this)… I just wanted to point out that the fake fb and anonymous phone calls are a bit immature and creepy/stalkerish. I am saying this from my own experience. My old ex (NOT the one I want back) emotionally cheated on me as well, it was a huge cycle of me forgiving and him repeating the same. When I ended it he did the same things that your ex is doing now. You are doing a great job by not giving into her foolish games. Any woman that deserves you would work on herself and break up with the rebound (my old ex that is like your ex also rebounded and told me he missed and loved me BUT did NOT break off his rebound!) I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh …being in the same situation was a red flag for me when I read your post. I would continue to wait and let yourself heal. Think about if you really want her back or if deep down you’re just scared to hurt her because you know she needs a lot of support (which isn’t your responsibility to give her) It is really hard though, my old ex still contacts me to this day. Make sure she has stopped her bad habits and also the calling/ fake fb stalking bc in my experience, it got even worse after that. He still to this day calls from weird random numbers just to get me to answer.

With that being said, I really hope it works out for you. If you are meant to be, it will. If, despite how much you love her, I loved my old ex too, you feel you may not want to go through all that pain of being emotionally cheated on again (provided that you’re not 100% you can trust she has changed…and I would say the rebound is a big road block as well) but if you do decide to let her go, I am sure you would find a girl that would never emotionally cheat on you and would love you so much she would respect you and you both would become a better person with each other. I’m not saying that can’t happen with your current ex but it would take a lot of work on her part…starting with her breaking up NOT because you contact but because she realizes what she’s doing is not helpful to all involved (including that rebound guy)

I really hope this comment doesn’t upset you, and I wanted to point out that side of the story as well just for your emotional safety :slight_smile:

10

Sorry in advanced for the long post. You wrote me a long thorough response, which I thank you for :slight_smile: , and I wanted to return the favor.

You hit it right on the head about everything and I agree. The immaturity, games, cheating, lies, and repeating cycles perfectly sums up my ex.

During the process of breaking up she told me she loves me, but she wants to be single for awhile because there is so much life has to offer, or some bs. Literally the next day I’m out at bar with some supportive friends and we’re getting ready to go home. I see her walk out of a hookah joint and get in another guy’s car(probably the new bf). That’s where I finally decided. That will be the last time she will ever lie and cheat on me.

She does need to cut the new guy because clearly she’s not over me which isn’t fair to him. She has him there to replace me and it’s not working. He doesn’t know any of this. Although I will admit that’s on him and his own logic for trying to sign up with a girl immediately out of a 4 year relationship.

After they break up and if she still wants to pursue me then she needs to call me and pour her heart out, or at bare minimum text me and schedule a meet up. She better have a pretty good speech prepared with it. I think that’s the only scenario where this works out. Just like you said. It has to be because she realizes what shes doing is wrong in general, not just to get me back.

It really does bother me knowing you read my posts and realized this was similar behavior to your old ex. I’m sorry you had to go through what you did, because clearly you understand how bad it sucks to love and care for someone who treats us like this. No one deserves that. She is my first love, which I believe had a huge role in why this went on for so long.

Do I really want her back. That’s the big question. I feel she has so much potential to be everything I want in a girl, but she surrounds herself with the wrong people and can’t think rationally on her own. Which unfortunately go together because she seeks out her bad influence of friends when she can’t decide on something. I don’t think she’s stupid, but more so immature. That’s now a deal breaker for me and I will not go back to that. I know I can find someone way better than what her current self offers.

That last sentence about “realizing what she’s doing is not helpful to all involved”. I couldn’t have said it better myself. If there is one thing she is notorious for it’s not putting herself in someone else shoes. That might be the single thing she needs to learn in order to become that person I’m looking for. I hope that her losing me and having to be more independent will help her achieve this.

Your comment didn’t upset me at all. It’s actually uplifting for me to know that others, like yourself, have gotten through this. It also helps me knowing that you were in a identical situation. You basically took a lot of what was on my mind and put it in place for me. Now its just more healing/time and things will continue to look up for me.

Thanks again for taking the time to give me your opinion and share with me about your similar experiences. I appreciate it. :slight_smile:

11

I also agree that calling u from annonymous number, trying ti make u feel jealous wiht the new biyfriend etc are totally immature.
I think she knows she has done a big mistake by letting you know and she is very hurt inside. As u confirmed she seems to be not making right decision even after ur brake up.
You sound very strong, concious and logical…I totaly envy you :slight_smile:
You should be proud of yourself ! :slight_smile:
I hope someone much better will come to you sooner than u think…
And if two of u are meant to be together, i hope she comes back to u changed …

12

I think she knows she messed up too, but even though she realizes this I’m surprised at how she’s doesn’t put any meaningful actions into doing something about it. Certainly calling me on fake numbers and breathing in the phone doesn’t count. Maybe in fear that I won’t take her back, but at this point it shouldn’t be about that. How can you have a relationship with someone, especially physically, then think about your ex all day? That’s disgusting to me. It makes me wonder how many guys she has thought about leaving me for while we were dating. I know of at least 3.

Thank you :slight_smile: I had to go through a lot in order to keep and stick to this mindset. I’m confident I will find someone else who doesn’t take advantage of me. Maybe it will be her, but I can’t put my life on hold any longer waiting for something that I’m starting to accept will never happen.

I hope she comes back changed too. Thank you for all of your support. :slight_smile:

13

Hi :slight_smile:
I’m glad you found it uplifting! Yeah it is sad both of us have gone through a similar experience too. My ex did the same thing w the break up and I eventually stopped responding after he would lie to the girls he was playing games w on fb whenever I tried to warn them. Looking back although my intentions were good it wasn’t my place

Yeah the whole single thing? Ummm what is she doing now! I’m frustrated on your behalf :confused:

And I’m so glad you made that decision that this will be the last time she’s lies and cheats on you :slight_smile: that takes a lot of self empowerment because your heart says one thing like “she can learn she may just need help I’ll help her, she will get better and stop” and your brain says exactly the opposite. Yeah it would take a lot from her part for her to get to a place where she could be in any healthy relationship. She has to stop seeking affirmation from guys in general. My ex did that too, well he sought affirmation from girls. I don’t want you to blame yourself for her cheating bc nothing is wrong with you, it is her issue to deal with. It took me a long time to believe and accept that :slight_smile: healing takes time.

It is really nice to see that you are such a kind hearted person. Instead of being jealous of the new guy you feel sorry for him, because you know the truth. I really respect you for getting to that thought so quickly! It took me a bit longer than you so good work :slight_smile:

I felt the same way about my old ex. I saw the good in him, I saw it. Did others see it? Not so much. I so much wants to be that person to help him better himself even more, but that wasn’t my issue to deal with. So I completely relate :slight_smile:

Yeah putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is so important. I hope she is able to learn and change and also that is hard for a person who is cheated they have to be motivated to change that in theirselves… Sometimes it takes them being cheated on to realize the error of their ways and even then it still is a big struggle . My best guy friend fell into cheating and it took him years to stop… After he was cheated on… And then he still cheated on this girl he was talking to (they were exclusive but not BF and gf but still cheating) he cheated on her by kissing one of his exes that he is now with… And everyone is different but it still takes a lot of work from her

14

I can see why you tried to warn them though. That thought has crossed my mind before. Like showing the new bf that text she sent me. I don’t see any point in doing that for my situation though. She will just cling to the next guy who gives her attention then.

There is definitely an emotional vs mental battle going on inside of me. I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. I’d like to go a single day without thinking about her. Some of these stalkerish things she does isn’t helping matters.

When she acts out with these phone calls, texts, and drive bys it feels so good at first knowing she still has feelings for me, but usually the next day after an event like this, it takes my progress backwards so much and I don’t know why. Like tonight has been awful for me due to the call from last night. I either want her to come back or go away. Not this in between crap.

Thank you for all your kind words. It’s nice to know I’m not crazy lol. Yeah same here, no one else really saw good in her but me. Apparently some people think cheating is something they can’t control. It’s just ignorant in my opinion, thinking only about yourself while in a relationship. Clearly those people don’t think about the future when making a decision like that.

15

Hey Everyone.

I’ve been thinking about texting her for a couple reasons. I want to rule out a possibility of her thinking I hate her guts for ignoring her possible attempt to reconcile. I’ve been feeling like being NC this whole time may be diminishing my chances of her ever coming back. I also want to put the ball back in her court because she needs to understand she is the one who has to take action if she really wants this to work. I would like it to be short, casual, give her the ball back, and make her realize I’m not waiting on her.

Here is a rough draft:

“Thank you for the message you sent me. I wasn’t and am still unsure on how to respond, until I know for a fact what it is you want. It is hard to put your words to certainty due to the new relationship. I accept the break up and am going to continue carrying out positive changes in my life regardless. There is a lot I would like to share with you, but now isn’t a good time. I wish you the best.”

Given my situation would sending something like this be a bad idea or should I just stay where I’m at? I feel like she really was expecting a response from the last text and since I didn’t give it to her that may lead her too think I’m done for good, which isn’t really how I want it to be.

16

I think that’s actually a great thing to send her!

17

It was definitely not an ego boost. She meant it. Think of this: Why would she leave this new guy if you may reject her? Then she doesn’t have someone to fall back on. I feel you should reach out a bit to her. Don’t be too into it, but just check in and be kind to her. Let her initiate.

Do you want be to with her?

18

It was definitely not an ego boost. She meant it. Think of this: Why would she leave this new guy if you may reject her? Then she doesn’t have someone to fall back on. I feel you should reach out a bit to her. Don’t be too into it, but just check in and be kind to her. Let her initiate.

Do you want be to with her?

Can you answer my newest post? About whether or not to restart NC?