My ex broke up with me about 4 months ago shortly after moving abroad to teach for a year. After about 1.5 months of NC I reached out, but it went nowhere. Then another month and she reached out to me. She said how she will always love me and wished she could have figured out a way to work things out. We had a long chat and essentially agreed to try and rebuild the trust in our relationship and see where things go. Two weeks and we texted everyday (it was great), then suddenly her texts became less frequent. She would still send meaningful things and we even facetimed once. But then two days after facetiming I asked if we could talk again over the weekend, and received no response. It’s been 4 days and I haven’t texted her since. It feels like she is pulling away and it is strange because at times I can tell she really cares. I’m guessing she is just uncertain what she wants and therefore doesn’t know what to do. My thought is to just go NC again because if she is being indecisive I don’t want to just be strung along. Thoughts anyone?
@elfauno - Yes, it sounds like she is uncertain and confused. Long distant relationship are extremely difficult to maintain! Is there any way you could travel to see her sometimes? Yes, I think it’s best not to initiate contact at this time. Let her miss you. She might feel like you are smothering her with way too much contact. Texting every single day is NOT a good idea. Be more patient as I’m sure she has other things to do. Sooner or later you will be able to determine if this “relationship” could lead to more of if it’s worth pursuing. Good luck:)
Yes I know they are difficult and I feel like it’s just an unfortunate circumstance we’re in. In the same location I know we would’ve been fine. The actual distance is very significant, but yes I would’ve been able to visit and she’d probably be back in 7 months.
What if she reaches out to me? Do I continue NC or do I essentially ask what she wants to come of us? I can’t pretend to be “just friends”. I was clear with her initially that if we were talking it’s because I wanted to work things out. I had a hard time getting through the breakup and I just don’t want to open up to her again without knowing there’s some sort of commitment.
So sorry to hear you are going through this. I was in a long distance relationship before and it was brutally hard. Is she indefinitely staying in the other country? When was the last time you saw her in person? When did she move out of the country? Is this the first time you broke up? Without some background it is hard to help on this question.
Also was there any other arguments or anything else pertaining to why you both broke up (outside of the distance)? This could also be influencing her indecisiveness or uncertainty that you talked about.
You said she might come back in 7 months, I would try to meet with her then to see if you could talk about the relationship and potentially getting back together. You might want to stay in touch with her here and there but I think being in contact with her a lot will only hurt you because it seems she is still figuring things out. Maybe check in and catch up here and there but I would say any regular communication with her could be painful for you.
@elfauno - You wrote; “We had a long chat and essentially agreed to try and rebuild the trust in our relationship and see where things go”. So it seems you already asked or she stated ‘what she wants to come of us’. That was her answer. I don’t know what she means by trust, but if you were a jealous boyfriend and displayed it by word or deed, it has to stop. Trust is important in a relationship and lack of it can ruin feelings (hers for you).
In your other post you mentioned she felt you didn’t want the same things in life. She also mentioned maybe staying away longer than a year. You also wrote; “Our breakup may have been a partially due to my insecurities with more long distance”. What specifically did she mean by not wanting the same things in life?? And what were your insecurities as it relates to long distance? Also did you display insecurities of some sort prior to her leaving? Did she leave due to her job? What country is she in and where are you?
When she contacts you again, be polite and reply. She might make a comment or ask a question, so reply appropriately… I don’t think she will make any sort of commitment other than trying to rebuild trust and see where things go. There are no guarantees as to what will happen in the future, but if you want this chance to possibly reunite, take it. Be upbeat. If things go well with communications, travel to visit her maybe in a couple of months or so. Make the changes necessary to make her happy.
@patricia12 - No I was never a jealous boyfriend; I had a great deal of trust for her. I was a bit insecure in that I was just sad she was leaving. Sometimes it was difficult for me to be supportive, but in the end I was happy for her getting this great opportunity. She is in Korea, I am in the US. So visiting is not something I can just casually do. I would kind of need a commitment to make that trip over. And about texting…she was texting me an equal amount and it was going well…but then she stopped being as responsive…?
@ariannah - She is on a 1 year contract, but had mentioned possibly wanting to stay longer. We haven’t discussed it, so theres a chance she is staying another year (but then I don’t know why she would have reached out to me). I last saw her when I dropped her off at the airport a month before we broke up. We broke up briefly over 3 years ago, but that had nothing to do with this. We had become a much stronger relationship and we both knew we could work through anything. We rarely argued, any argument was generally just about communication issues pertaining to long distance. But I tried to be very patient as I knew the time difference would be tough. I just don’t know how I can keep minimal contact with her and not want more to come of it. I feel like I either want a commitment or I want to move on. This in-between phase is difficult for me.
@patricia12 - I just don’t feel that commitment. Initially I could tell she was making a good effort to stay connected, and then it felt more one sided. It seems like we’ve been talking long enough that having a discussion on making an LDR work is realistic. For instance, I think it’s important to talk on the phone a couple times a week. And if we’re to go anywhere she needs to be able to show me that we can achieve that. And the same for me with things that are important to her.
@elfauno - You wrote:“Two weeks and we texted everyday (it was great), then suddenly her texts became less frequent.”
I suppose you want or expect texting every single day, which is a sign of your neediness!
You agreed to try and rebuilt trust and see how it goes, but now you’re going back on your word.
If you choose not to try and not take this chance, that’s up to you. Apparently she doesn’t want a RELATIONSHIP just yet because she wants to go slowly and I understand her reluctance. There were things that bothered her enough to break up with you so jumping back into a RELATIONSHIP without working through the ‘problems’ seems logical. Trust, not wanting the same things in life and whatever else you’re not owning up to…
Do it your way by giving her an ultimatum, and you’ll probably lose her for good…
I appreciate you comments, but especially in a long distance relationship it’s important to keep contact with each other, that doesn’t mean one person is being needy. She reached out to me, she initiated contact, she wanted to work it out, and we ended up texting something everyday briefly (not all day).
She did not breakup with me because of anything I did specifically but rather said it was her own internal conflicts. She admitted that she believes I’m right for her and she wished she could’ve worked it out. Essentially, I feel she needs to prove to me that she can make it work. And all I can do is be supportive and give her that opportunity.
@elfauno - You wrote:“It seems like we’ve been talking long enough that having a discussion on making an LDR work is realistic.” To you it seems like it’s been long enough to have a discussion on making a long distant relationship work. This sounds like an ultimatum, even if you didn’t send it out in a text.
You also stated that you rarely argued and any argument was generally about communication issues pertaining to long distance. So it seems you still haven’t resolved your insecurities as it relates to long distance. Expecting DAILY contact is unreasonable. Phone calls twice a week? Isn’t once a week or two more practical? These expectations seem clingy and like you want to keep tabs on her rather than trusting her.
You agreed to try and rebuild trust and “see where it goes”. There’s no timeline there. According to your 1st post, it appears like it’s only been 1 1/2 months since you two have been communicating. You had a breakup 3 years ago so maybe it will take longer to possibly reunite this time.